OH confused every evening

MaddieJ

Registered User
Sep 1, 2017
60
0
I am trying my hardest but it is getting harder. Every evening about 7 or 8 o'clock my OH decides that this house is not our house and we go through the same ritual daily. Outside we go and look at the front door, then back in feeling at home. Then two seconds later out again feeling it's not our house. Then after more of the same with me asking him to stay the night here and him agreeing only to get anxious and agitated. I take him out in the car to distract then familiarise him with recognisable places. Sometimes it works but next time it doesn't. The real house is across the road but it's not there when we look. This house is really a brothel, next night it's an unhealthy house. Next night he goes off down the road around the local area getting lost, me following a few steps behind, then he gets back with help from me. Once when I pointed him in the right direction he told me about a policeman (me) who helped him get home. He eventually gets tired and at last agrees to stay in this other place and sort it out in the morning. Next morning it's forgotten and in the evening we start again. So it goes on. Tonight I lost it completely and just could not cope I broke down. I did what you are not supposed to do and said things I shouldn't have done. Strangely it reversed the situation and he sympathized with me because I thought this really was my house and told me how worried he was about me. That felt worse.

We moved house early September so the house and area are not so familiar for either of us. This has something to do with his behaviour. However, he did the same at our previous house but we were on firmer ground as I knew the area better and was not as worried for him. I've now ordered GPS tracker for him and aim to let him go out himself. I'm not sure how long this behaviour will last. Will he ever settle down of an evening. Does anyone have any experience of this after moving house. We moved to be nearer family. It wasn't a whim. I have read all the leaflets from Alz Soc. I need more of people's experiences and how long it lasts. We have been here 3 months now and I'm not coping well.
Any advice gratefully received?
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I’m sorry to read your post @MaddieJ , that must be really hard to cope with every night.
I don’t have the same sort of problems, but my husband does start to get agitated and more aggressive as the afternoon wears on. Come 8 or 9 pm I try to ignore his agitation, but it’s so hard. I don’t think anyone can constantly keep control of their emotions as you have been doing. I certainly can’t and don’t. Sometimes I snap and when he shouts, I shout, I just don’t have the patience to not react.
Moving house is supposed to be one of the most stressful things anyone can do. You moved so recently it must have been very hard to do that presumably with little real help from your husband.
Some people probably won’t agree with me, but if you do vent your feelings then I think you are human. We are not saints. It’s tough living with dementia every day. I think you should be proud that you are doing what you do to help distract him.
Please look after yourself too.
Love B x
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I do not have that problem and hope I will not but I must say you are dealing with it amazingly well.
We all get to the end of our tether sometimes. Be kind to yourself.
House moves are stressful at the best of times, we moved just before diagnosis, like you to be nearer to part of the family.. I had reported a few things some fourteen years before.
Small things can cause anxiety, I find I am giving constant reassurance as default mode.
We all have different ways of caring, of coping. I hope things settle down soon.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
A house move and relocation identified my husband`s dementia. Even though the area we relocated to was familiar to him and he always loved visiting, once we made the move permanent he became distressed, confused and depressed.

We had been having problems for a few years before the move and just put it down to ageing but it turned out to be more than that.

The evening confusion being discussed on this Thread is common in people with dementia and called sundowning. It is really difficult to manage and if anyone finds the solution they will deserve a medal.

My husband was sundowning every late afternoon, early evening and it was really upsetting for both of us.

Here is some more information;

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/search?keywords=sundowning&Search=

As my husband`s dementia progressed, the house move turned out to be the best move I could have made so please don`t think house moves are a mistake.
 

SES1

New member
Dec 7, 2018
2
0
I am trying my hardest but it is getting harder. Every evening about 7 or 8 o'clock my OH decides that this house is not our house and we go through the same ritual daily. Outside we go and look at the front door, then back in feeling at home. Then two seconds later out again feeling it's not our house. Then after more of the same with me asking him to stay the night here and him agreeing only to get anxious and agitated. I take him out in the car to distract then familiarise him with recognisable places. Sometimes it works but next time it doesn't. The real house is across the road but it's not there when we look. This house is really a brothel, next night it's an unhealthy house. Next night he goes off down the road around the local area getting lost, me following a few steps behind, then he gets back with help from me. Once when I pointed him in the right direction he told me about a policeman (me) who helped him get home. He eventually gets tired and at last agrees to stay in this other place and sort it out in the morning. Next morning it's forgotten and in the evening we start again. So it goes on. Tonight I lost it completely and just could not cope I broke down. I did what you are not supposed to do and said things I shouldn't have done. Strangely it reversed the situation and he sympathized with me because I thought this really was my house and told me how worried he was about me. That felt worse.

We moved house early September so the house and area are not so familiar for either of us. This has something to do with his behaviour. However, he did the same at our previous house but we were on firmer ground as I knew the area better and was not as worried for him. I've now ordered GPS tracker for him and aim to let him go out himself. I'm not sure how long this behaviour will last. Will he ever settle down of an evening. Does anyone have any experience of this after moving house. We moved to be nearer family. It wasn't a whim. I have read all the leaflets from Alz Soc. I need more of people's experiences and how long it lasts. We have been here 3 months now and I'm not coping well.
Any advice gratefully received?
 

SES1

New member
Dec 7, 2018
2
0
I am experiencing exactly the same with my husband. Every evening he starts wanting to go home. He says it’s getting dark we should be going now or a plethora of other sayings We moved house over a year ago but to be fair he started not recognising our home as his home before we moved. I now don’t think it has anything to do with moving house When the DOLS assessor came to see him one of the questions he asked was where do you think you are now - is it your home, a public building, where you work My husband could not answer this but said he did not live here My husband takes pregabolin for anxiety This helped in the beginning but does not have much effect now. You could ask your doctor if there are any meds that might help. I ask my husband sometimes to describe his home to me He never describes our last home His brother says he is describing his childhood home. I also say to him this is where I live would you like to stay with me tonight as it’s dark outside He always agrees to stay and sort out going home in the morning by which time he has forgotten
 

jaymor

Registered User
Jul 14, 2006
15,604
0
South Staffordshire
We had lived in our home for 45 years and my husband stopped recognising it as his home or me as his wife. He knew his address even down to the post code but the house was not his house. I even had a plate made to go by the front door that had the name of the road on as well as the number of the house and that didn’t work.

Every night I took him out, either for a long walk or a ride in the car but I never did manage to convince him it was his home. We were always going back tomorrow, next week, at the end of our few days away etc. He accepted this until the next night when it started all over again.

As I was not his wife bedtime was another problem. I could get into bed though he always told me Jay would not like it.

.
 

RosettaT

Registered User
Sep 9, 2018
866
0
Mid Lincs
I had the same problem but mine was at lunch time. It got to such a state where I couldn't see a light at the end of tunnel. I my case he 'needed' to go back where he lived when he was in the military. There was no way I could let that happen and I was getting stressed to a point where if I was run over I would have welcomed it.
I took him to our GP who was brilliant, prescribed some more meds and things are really good now. Of course I hate the way things are, but as long as I'm not stressed I can manage. The nursing/caring side of things I cope with.
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,746
0
84
East of England
My husband suffers from this sundowning quite badly at the moment from about 4pm onwards. It’s quite disturbing but it’s impossible to stop. At home I can let him do all his rituals as he wants even though it’s so disruptive. We moved about a year ago to downsize because I realised that we couldn’t stay with a large garden and dependent on a car. It has been a good move from a caring point of view but coincided with severe decline to the point where we are now, very poor mental and physical state. My experience is very similar to that of @Grannie G as only in retrospect can I see that he was already showing mild impairment and after the move it has accelerated fast . He too knew the area very well but that is starting to go.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
I can`t prove anything but I do believe the confusion and sundowning would have been just as bad if we hadn`t relocated.
 

katydid

Registered User
Oct 23, 2018
58
0
I am convinced that this going home, or distress about whereabouts, happens despite house move or not
The person suffering often talks about their childhood home and that is what they mean
My husband becomes restless mid afternoon, and it’s geting earlier, because his mobility is compromised he cannot go,for a walk, I cannot even get him to,the toilet, much less to,the car on my own now.
It is heartbreaking and endless. Tonight his carer has settled him in bed, and I have put him back three times so far, and..... yes I hear him again now That makes four times.
His latest problem is removing pants and pads and the weeping wherever he is. Obviously in his mind, he is “going to,the toilet” but, oh God it is hard.
I love stop now and go and put him back to bed before he falls and hurts himself, and hope I can keep my coo, and not lose the plot.
 

Wifenotcarer

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
341
0
77
Central Scotland
We too have lived in our home for 45 years. We bought it when it was in a dreadful state having lain empty for a couple of years and slowly renovated it, built an extension, turned the jungle at the back into a productive fruit and veg garden. My OH was a joiner and I was 'at home with young children' so we did most of the work with our own hands. In spite of this OH is, like so many others, always wanting to go 'home', particularly in the evenings. He believes that his mother will be worried about him, wondering where he is. His Mum and Dad both died 20+ years ago, but I think he is back in the war time when he and his mother were alone, his father being one of those soldiers who were stuck in India for 2+ years after the end of the war, through lack of transport to get him home.

I too tell him that it is too late to go tonight - maybe tomorrow, and in the morning he has forgotten all about iit
 

MaddieJ

Registered User
Sep 1, 2017
60
0
we moved 18 months ago and it's been a good experience. But my husband does get restless and anxious and confused and fretful every evening when it gets dark. We moved in June so it wasn't a problem then. I cope in the darker months by settling for an earlier bedtime (9pm) - even staying up that late can be hard so I might start a bedtime routine (bath etc) an hour before - sometimes but rarely I even give in and put him to bed at 8pm. He mostly sleeps well - perhaps because he has active days - he can even sleep for up to 12 hours sometimes with only a few wakeful episodes.He walks a lot during the day and despite a poor memory seems to have become a bit familiar with the new neighbourhood that way.
I am trying the earlier to bed routine and it is helping. I miss that short time on my own after OH has gone to bed. However it is worth sacrificing to enable his contentment and my peace. Thanks for advice.
 

MaddieJ

Registered User
Sep 1, 2017
60
0
A house move and relocation identified my husband`s dementia. Even though the area we relocated to was familiar to him and he always loved visiting, once we made the move permanent he became distressed, confused and depressed.

We had been having problems for a few years before the move and just put it down to ageing but it turned out to be more than that.

The evening confusion being discussed on this Thread is common in people with dementia and called sundowning. It is really difficult to manage and if anyone finds the solution they will deserve a medal.

My husband was sundowning every late afternoon, early evening and it was really upsetting for both of us.

Here is some more information;

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/search?keywords=sundowning&Search=

As my husband`s dementia progressed, the house move turned out to be the best move I could have made so please don`t think house moves are a mistake.

It is reassuring to know that the house move isn't the whole problem and yours turned out to be the best move. We have visited this area a lot so it isn't completly unfamiliar but it is new and it does seem to be related to the dark nights that OH gets agitated. I think mostly because he cannot see as well where he is and being in a village the street lights are not brilliant. Thank you for yourhelpful reply.
 

MaddieJ

Registered User
Sep 1, 2017
60
0
We had lived in our home for 45 years and my husband stopped recognising it as his home or me as his wife. He knew his address even down to the post code but the house was not his house. I even had a plate made to go by the front door that had the name of the road on as well as the number of the house and that didn’t work.

Every night I took him out, either for a long walk or a ride in the car but I never did manage to convince him it was his home. We were always going back tomorrow, next week, at the end of our few days away etc. He accepted this until the next night when it started all over again.

As I was not his wife bedtime was another problem. I could get into bed though he always told me Jay would not like it.

.
Gosh this seems so common. What is the logic behind it. Can it be addressed? There does seem a trigger from darkness to relocating to previous memories. I feel so helpless at the time and OH, since my arguing and saying the wrong thing, has been very upset. He is afraid of losing me he says and is very sad. He tells me he has cried and he is saying his prayers. Odd from a man who never cries and is an atheist. It is reverting back to his childhood when he was an altar boy maybe. Like you I am a different me in bed but it seems a younger me, as he tells me my name if I ask who I am. Thank you for your reply. It helps.
 

MaddieJ

Registered User
Sep 1, 2017
60
0
I am convinced that this going home, or distress about whereabouts, happens despite house move or not
The person suffering often talks about their childhood home and that is what they mean
My husband becomes restless mid afternoon, and it’s geting earlier, because his mobility is compromised he cannot go,for a walk, I cannot even get him to,the toilet, much less to,the car on my own now.
It is heartbreaking and endless. Tonight his carer has settled him in bed, and I have put him back three times so far, and..... yes I hear him again now That makes four times.
His latest problem is removing pants and pads and the weeping wherever he is. Obviously in his mind, he is “going to,the toilet” but, oh God it is hard.
I love stop now and go and put him back to bed before he falls and hurts himself, and hope I can keep my coo, and not lose the plot.
I feel for you. It is much harder than what we are experiencing. Thank you for your reply.
 

MaddieJ

Registered User
Sep 1, 2017
60
0
I guess what is hardest is after a long day of him needing me or my company the sundowning seems harder to cope with. I now know from the replies that it is part of the disease and will get worse. I convinced OH to go to see the doctor to see if there was anything that could help. This ended with an A&E appointment and overnight in hospital due to a fast heart rate of 160. Well that was an experience. Up and down, going home, taking off the ECG pads repeatedly, me chasing him round the ward. That was just one day. We have been referred to a crisis team and we will get help. Watch this space.