Mum has only been in her care home for a few weeks after about 3 months going round the hospital, physio and intermediate care route. She talks a lot about coming home and today she said she would be home by Christmas to my daughter when she was visiting. She has no clear idea how long it is until Christmas and has only just acknowledged if isn't a "long time yet". Sometimes I really struggle with not telling her she isn't going home although I totally believe this was the right answer for her at this stage so a few good comments before I try and change the subject would help.
What would you say to 'I'll be home for Christmas'?
- Thread starter MothersCarer
- Start date
Ah. But she will not be home; she will not ever be home alone again which is what she thinks she could be. Although I would never tell her that I don't want to be untruthful either.
A kind untruth is fine to stop your mum being distressed. I think we all find it hard to tell lies to our loved ones. I'd go with the suggestions from GrannieG or canary. They're not lying, they're just not telling the brutal truth
I agree with the above very difficult to know what to say. you could always tell her wait till xmas gets here and we will see how you feel. My mum always wanted to come home to me but she never could and the only way i could grant her wish was for her funeral to go from my home !! Play it one day at a time jumping the hurdles as you go. xxxx
"That would be nice" is the best answer I can think of - it is not an untruth, because it would be nice - it just is not going to happen - but she does not need to know that.
As dementia progresses we all teach ourselves to say the unambiguous things that make our loved ones feel content. The 'open ended' answers, which answer their questions of the moment - but from our point of view, are no real answer at all.
It is the right and kind thing to do.
The hardest thing for us is the realisation that our PWD no longer have the capacity to understand the nuances of conversation like we do. They look the same, and a large part of us wants them to be the same. I still launch off into a conversation about what is on the TV News - something he would have been so animated about only a year or so ago, and all he says now is "OK" because he has not understood it.
That is just one of the many awfulnesses of this disease.
I would shift it onto another and like Jessbow would say....when the doctor thinks you are well enough....it isn't a lie but you know that it is not going to happen.....let's your mum know at that moment it isn't your decision...and no doubt you will have to repeat many times in answer to her question. Love lies or vague replies didn't sit comfortably with me either but I soon realised it wasn't for my benefit...it was a necessity out of kindness for my dad to try to relieve his anxiety.
Thank you all. I knew if I asked you would help me to move my thoughts on. In the end we all find something we can live with that also is comforting to our PWD. I can't, at the moment, go with "that would be nice" because, purely selfishly, I think it would be the worst thing possible and that is what has allowed me to believe over-riding mum's wishes and moving her to a home is the best thing possible. I think those who are able to say it can say it from their PWDs point of view and I just haven't got there yet. I am almost certainly overthinking. I have used the "we need to see what the doctors say" line which is probably the go to one for in this instance but I have a feeling that tossing it about on here will help me say the right thing. Thank you for your help with this as I know some of you have far worse problems to deal with. I do feel sad that mum and other people's mums, dads, etc, can't enjoy what in our case will be a much better Christmas than she would have at home. Rotten, awful disease (you may even here the stamping of elderly feet as I say this but please know how grateful I am to have a place to stamp them 
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As others have divined, I know it wont happen and I understand that in her case it would, indeed, be the worst thing for her.I would say - That would be nice
It is being "economical with the truth" @MothersCarer - it is not a lie because it would indeed be nice if she were well enough for her to be able to come home, but it is also not telling her the complete truth that she is not able to come home ever - which would anger and upset her.
When mum was in her care home and wanted to come home I would often use these half-truths. There seemed no point in crushing her delusions. I would say the same when she told me that she was going to have tea with the Queen, or where she was going on holiday. She could no longer understand the real world, so I had to enter hers. If she asked me directly when could she come home I too used the answer that she could when the doctor said (knowing that the doctor was never going to say it was OK).
Its very hard to start with because we are taught not to lie to people (especially our parents), but when the truth is beyond their understanding it is so much kinder not to tell it. It does also get easier with practice.
My MIL used to say constantly she wanted to go home while in the care home. We blamed the doctor saying when she was better . I'm afraid using half truths or love lies becomes second nature after a while. I would simply keep any reply non committal and say let's hope so and change the subject
When my OH ask 'Is mum upstairs', (she died 21 yrs ago) I always say 'No sweetheart shes not here'. He normally then responds 'Oh so she gone has she?' and then I say yes ( tho' my meaning to gone is different to his.) I too don't like to lie to him but is was obvious the first couple of times I pointed out she was no longer living caused him so much distress - he started grieving all over again. I would rather tell white lies to him than see him distressed.
That was also how I felt for dad we can protect our loved one in very few ways from the ravages of this vile illness but if telling love lies or half truths manages to provide even a little protection from distress I rationalised my catholic guilt and my upbringing of never to tell lies
Especially if their short term memory is shot to pieces (so they won't remember whatever you say anyway) then IMO you say whatever will keep the person happy for the moment. And if that's an outright fib, so be it.
As has been said so many times on here, dementia changes the rules.
I'm sure we were all brought up always to tell the truth, but anyone who insists on principle on telling the truth to someone with dementia, when it's evidently only going to distress them, is IMO being downright cruel.
As has been said so many times on here, dementia changes the rules.
I'm sure we were all brought up always to tell the truth, but anyone who insists on principle on telling the truth to someone with dementia, when it's evidently only going to distress them, is IMO being downright cruel.
I'm certainly not intending to upset her Canary but I think it has taken me the full three months she has been in the NHS system to come to terms with going home being far, far worse than where she is now. As I said I am being selfish but I do know she will hear if she thinks I don't believe what I am saying. When mum tells me some of the weirder things I can make a passing comment, "that's interesting" became a bit of a standby while she was at home. As time goes by I know what I can say will change. Please don't think I am saying anyone is lying; we all have to do what feels best at the time and it will depend on the varying circumstances around it and change, I think, as mum's vision of her circumstances change.
Im sure you dont intend to upset her @MothersCarer I only know that is what generally happened with mum and is a reason not to tell her the full truth.
Im not getting at you, honestly.
Being economical with the truth is hard to get used to and feels wrong, which is why I suggested something that wasnt a complete lie. You just have to go with what you are comfortable with and what will appease her. We have all given suggestions in reply and if my suggestion doesnt help then Im not offended. I only replied because I thought you took what I said literally and I wanted to clarify that I meant it as a half truth.
Im not getting at you, honestly.
Being economical with the truth is hard to get used to and feels wrong, which is why I suggested something that wasnt a complete lie. You just have to go with what you are comfortable with and what will appease her. We have all given suggestions in reply and if my suggestion doesnt help then Im not offended. I only replied because I thought you took what I said literally and I wanted to clarify that I meant it as a half truth.
As carers we are on a journey too, our worlds are turned upside down and we have to adjust mentally, physically, emotional and financially to come to terms with those changes.
Some are further on the journey than others and what’s right for one may not be right for the other for many reasons. Take your time, do & say what you feel is best, you’ll be doing it out of love. Reading posts here does help but theory and practise are two different things. Once you try a stragety and see how it works for you and your mum you’ll know there are options that you can live with. Good luck
Some are further on the journey than others and what’s right for one may not be right for the other for many reasons. Take your time, do & say what you feel is best, you’ll be doing it out of love. Reading posts here does help but theory and practise are two different things. Once you try a stragety and see how it works for you and your mum you’ll know there are options that you can live with. Good luck
