Christmas Cards

Owlette

New member
Nov 9, 2018
7
0
Mum was always one for sending Christmas cards and typically gets hundreds. This year she will need a lot of help and drawing up a list it becomes apparent she has forgotten many of the people in her address book. There seems little point in sending cards from Mum to people Mum can't remember, but some of them I am sure would want to know why Mum has stopped cards. How have people dealt with letting older friends and distant relatives know of a diagnosis?
 

DeMartin

Registered User
Jul 4, 2017
711
0
Kent
Mum’s in a CH. Last year I sent cards to every person in her address book whose name I recognised. (In fact I’ve been doing the same this evening)
with a brief note about mum’s illness.
Any cards she/I received that I had not sent to, I responded to. (If I had an address)
Mum prided herself on how many cards she received, perhaps a generation thing, we enjoy how many likes we get.
Mum actually kept a list of cards sent and cards received, does your mum have such a list?
Otherwise I personally would help send to family and friends whose names you recognise. Maybe print out a brief update on your mum’s health and include your contact information . Keep a list of sent and received, no received, no further cards.
 

Owlette

New member
Nov 9, 2018
7
0
Mum’s in a CH. Last year I sent cards to every person in her address book whose name I recognised. (In fact I’ve been doing the same this evening)
with a brief note about mum’s illness.
Any cards she/I received that I had not sent to, I responded to. (If I had an address)
Mum prided herself on how many cards she received, perhaps a generation thing, we enjoy how many likes we get.
Mum actually kept a list of cards sent and cards received, does your mum have such a list?
Otherwise I personally would help send to family and friends whose names you recognise. Maybe print out a brief update on your mum’s health and include your contact information . Keep a list of sent and received, no received, no further cards.
Thank you - this is kind of what I was thinking. Mum can just about sign her name to the cards and recognizes many of the names still. The rest will depend on if cards are received.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I’m sure that I might shock many of you but....
I hate writing Christmas cards because each year I feel that I need to write a message in each one telling them the ups and downs of the past year.
So, this year we have the diagnosis of dementia, stents in his kidneys and sepsis, as well as ongoing bladder cancer. I don’t have enough ink to write anything about me!
Being housebound and with husband in respite I had the ideal opportunity to get the job done.
I haven’t written messages in many of them because I didn’t feel I could tell people about the diagnosis of his dementia. I’m questioning why? I’m not ashamed of it, I think it is because I don’t want people we haven’t seen or are unlikely to see feeling sorry, shocked or saddened. I don’t want their pity. Perhaps you can help me understand if it’s ok to feel like this? Dementia in our world is so new, so confusing, I struggle to understand it.
That’s not the end....
My neighbour came round for a coffee. We talked about writing Christmas cards and the extortionate price of stamps! I said ‘I’ve radically reduced my list this year’. She said ‘how did you do that’? I said ‘I looked through the list and I thought if they wouldn’t be bothered to come to my funeral then they don’t deserve to still be on my list. Now, that has cut down on the number of stamps!
 

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
576
0
@Sad Staffs I applaud you for your Christmas card sending criteria!

@DeMartin - that's really clever comparing number of cards to likes, and so obviously true.

Mum also receives bucket loads of Christmas cards each year and has always been overjoyed by this.

4 years ago I bought Mum's cards and stamps and printed a list of sticky labels for her to send. This was pre-diagnosis and she really didn't want to write them. Lots didn't get sent - some did.
3 years ago I did the same. This time was much more haphazard - some people got 3 cards, some were sent unsigned etc
2 years ago I did the same. This time I sat with Mum while she did her cards, and persuaded her to just sign her name and a kiss instead of trying to write a novel to each person. I supervised and checked what she did.
By last year, Mum had moved to her CH. I bought pre- printed cards that I designed online, they gave Mum's new CH address and I had her name printed on too so she didn't have to sign them. I slipped a note into the cards of those I felt were suitably interested, saying that her memory wasn't so good now and she had moved to be closer to me. I stuck the address labels on, Mum managed to put the stamps on (in some rather strange places).
This year I have had cards printed again, with 'Love from XXX' printed on them. I will attempt to get Mum to stick the stamps on - however, watching her try to open her first card yesterday was heartbreaking. She was more interested in the envelope than the card itself.

I don't think I will be sending any 'updates' this year. Perhaps I should have modified @Sad Staffs criteria and just sent to those who have visited or written to Mum this year ...... that would be just 5!
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Mum always sent loads of Christmas cards, like @DeMartin, mum kept a list of cards sent & received each year, only sending the following year if she’d had one the previous year

Three years ago, she was very interested in doing the cards, but struggling to organise, so I typed out a chatty letter, saying the things we’d done, been on holiday, visited friends, trips to charity shops & various bargains mum had found. I had a short paragraph saying I was typing it as Mum wasn’t so good & gave my contact details, along with the suggestion of them phoning as she was better on the phone than with letters

Two years ago I did the same, but last year the list was very much reduced as so few were in contact & in all honesty, mum opened some cards, looked at the name, said “I never liked them” tore up the cards & binned them :eek: I sort of admired her honesty :D

This year, I’m sending a letter after Christmas, just something short, I feel the need to let people know why there will not be any cards any more, but don't want to put a damper on anyone’s Christmas, even if they have not exactly been in touch much over the last few years
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
@Sad Staffs - great strategy!

This has made me think about what I'll do this year. My mother is late mid-stage and has been in a care home since February. Most of her friends beat a hasty retreat when her dementia became obvious. She only has one other relative, a cousin, and she knows what's happened and where she is.

I will send a card to two of my mother's friends who have tried to keep in touch regularly by ringing her at the care home. I could look through her address book, but most of these people lost touch with her upwards of two years ago, some probably well before that. The post from her flat is redirected to me, so I'll wait and see who sends a card, and send them an explanatory note after Christmas.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
@Sad Staffs - great strategy!

This has made me think about what I'll do this year. My mother is late mid-stage and has been in a care home since February. Most of her friends beat a hasty retreat when her dementia became obvious. She only has one other relative, a cousin, and she knows what's happened and where she is.

I will send a card to two of my mother's friends who have tried to keep in touch regularly by ringing her at the care home. I could look through her address book, but most of these people lost touch with her upwards of two years ago, some probably well before that. The post from her flat is redirected to me, so I'll wait and see who sends a card, and send them an explanatory note after Christmas.
This must be really tough for you.
There are so many things we have to deal with and when we start we have no idea how, and nobody teaches us what to do.
One of the hardest things to handle is knowing that people we thought were important and cared for us, beat a hasty retreat. We all find out which ones truly care, and it’s even worse when it’s family. It’s the ones you least expect that have turned up trumps.
I know I made a joke about only sending cards to those I think will come to my funeral, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.
Because I’ve just come out of hospital and I’m on crutches, I won’t be able to get my husband a card. I usually make sure he has enough money and let him loose in the card section of Sainsbury’s! I’ve had different cards this year! But we are not able to do it, so I have found last years cards, me to him, him to me, and they are going on the mantle piece.
Gosh, I’m getting inventive and practical!
Please take care, you sound as if you are doing a grand job for your mother, and I’m sorry for rabbitting on:) love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
@Sad Staffs I applaud you for your Christmas card sending criteria!

@DeMartin - that's really clever comparing number of cards to likes, and so obviously true.

Mum also receives bucket loads of Christmas cards each year and has always been overjoyed by this.

4 years ago I bought Mum's cards and stamps and printed a list of sticky labels for her to send. This was pre-diagnosis and she really didn't want to write them. Lots didn't get sent - some did.
3 years ago I did the same. This time was much more haphazard - some people got 3 cards, some were sent unsigned etc
2 years ago I did the same. This time I sat with Mum while she did her cards, and persuaded her to just sign her name and a kiss instead of trying to write a novel to each person. I supervised and checked what she did.
By last year, Mum had moved to her CH. I bought pre- printed cards that I designed online, they gave Mum's new CH address and I had her name printed on too so she didn't have to sign them. I slipped a note into the cards of those I felt were suitably interested, saying that her memory wasn't so good now and she had moved to be closer to me. I stuck the address labels on, Mum managed to put the stamps on (in some rather strange places).
This year I have had cards printed again, with 'Love from XXX' printed on them. I will attempt to get Mum to stick the stamps on - however, watching her try to open her first card yesterday was heartbreaking. She was more interested in the envelope than the card itself.

I don't think I will be sending any 'updates' this year. Perhaps I should have modified @Sad Staffs criteria and just sent to those who have visited or written to Mum this year ...... that would be just 5!
You really do find out who cares. It’s all a bit sad, but I couldn’t see the point of sending notes and cards to those that don’t care and who I’m not really bothered about seeing. It isn’t just my husbands dementia that has made me feel like this, it’s a growing feeling of empowerment that has come with age. I shall start singing ‘I am woman’ in a minute:p.... I think I’ve lost the plot tonight:), love B xx
 

Chicken21

New member
Nov 16, 2018
4
0
I’ve been thinking the same - my mum has dementia and we had to put her in a home after my Dad died suddenly in the summer - friends and family have clearly shown who cares about what I’m going through and who don’t seem to even give me a thought so I’ll be sending quite a few less cards this year ... humbug I know but don’t think I care! This ‘festive’ time certainly focuses the mind
 

Wife B

Registered User
Oct 13, 2017
17
0
This must be really tough for you.
There are so many things we have to deal with and when we start we have no idea how, and nobody teaches us what to do.
One of the hardest things to handle is knowing that people we thought were important and cared for us, beat a hasty retreat. We all find out which ones truly care, and it’s even worse when it’s family. It’s the ones you least expect that have turned up trumps.
I know I made a joke about only sending cards to those I think will come to my funeral, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.
Because I’ve just come out of hospital and I’m on crutches, I won’t be able to get my husband a card. I usually make sure he has enough money and let him loose in the card section of Sainsbury’s! I’ve had different cards this year! But we are not able to do it, so I have found last years cards, me to him, him to me, and they are going on the mantle piece.
Gosh, I’m getting inventive and practical!
Please take care, you sound as if you are doing a grand job for your mother, and I’m sorry for rabbitting on:) love B xx
I also have been using old cards to and from my husband for years, just for myself really as he hasn't got a clue about Christmas any more.
 

Wife B

Registered User
Oct 13, 2017
17
0
I use old cards to and from my husband for Christmas and birthdays for myself and to stop other people asking. It's just as good as a new one and much cheaper too.
 

yorkie46

Registered User
Jan 28, 2014
413
0
Southampton
My husband has early stage ftd, or at least they tell me it's early stage but I think sometimes he's further down the line. We have made a joint decision that this year is the last year we will send cards. I typed and printed a slip to go in each card explaining this and that in future we would make a donation to charity. I have found the pressure of having to write them this year really difficult which was why I felt we had to make this decision. Where I can I will email people but as well as the stress of writing the cards I have begun to begrudge the postage costs especially when they all end up in the bin! I have to admit to being bah humbug too!
 

katydid

Registered User
Oct 23, 2018
58
0
This must be really tough for you.
There are so many things we have to deal with and when we start we have no idea how, and nobody teaches us what to do.
One of the hardest things to handle is knowing that people we thought were important and cared for us, beat a hasty retreat. We all find out which ones truly care, and it’s even worse when it’s family. It’s the ones you least expect that have turned up trumps.
I know I made a joke about only sending cards to those I think will come to my funeral, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.
Because I’ve just come out of hospital and I’m on crutches, I won’t be able to get my husband a card. I usually make sure he has enough money and let him loose in the card section of Sainsbury’s! I’ve had different cards this year! But we are not able to do it, so I have found last years cards, me to him, him to me, and they are going on the mantle piece.
Gosh, I’m getting inventive and practical!
Please take care, you sound as if you are doing a grand job for your mother, and I’m sorry for rabbitting on:) love B xx
 

katydid

Registered User
Oct 23, 2018
58
0
I am in awe of your resilience, this year was our 49th Wedding anniversary, and the first time I did not get card or flowers. Last year, he remembered, and had a little help from our son.
this year, no memory, no thought. Is it just me to feel so miserable about such things
I got him a card, as we always have, but then thinking how our sons might feel, and that possibly my husband might feel something , when seeing it and knowing that they had forgotten, I just put it away
As you said so many things to deal with, and nobody shows us how. This forum is so useful.
As for Christmas. Well, I got the tree out today, it is lying in the utility, and after tonight, might well stay there!!!
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
This must be really tough for you.
There are so many things we have to deal with and when we start we have no idea how, and nobody teaches us what to do.
One of the hardest things to handle is knowing that people we thought were important and cared for us, beat a hasty retreat. We all find out which ones truly care, and it’s even worse when it’s family. It’s the ones you least expect that have turned up trumps.
I know I made a joke about only sending cards to those I think will come to my funeral, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense.
Because I’ve just come out of hospital and I’m on crutches, I won’t be able to get my husband a card. I usually make sure he has enough money and let him loose in the card section of Sainsbury’s! I’ve had different cards this year! But we are not able to do it, so I have found last years cards, me to him, him to me, and they are going on the mantle piece.
Gosh, I’m getting inventive and practical!
Please take care, you sound as if you are doing a grand job for your mother, and I’m sorry for rabbitting on:) love B xx

I hope you're managing to cope on the crutches, and are soon better.
It must be so much more difficult when it's your spouse - at least I know it would be for me. You are indeed getting inventive, last year's cards is such a good idea. I know you were joking about the criteria for sending cards but actually it's a good way of filtering out unnecessaries. My mother's cousin only seemed interested in getting back a family wristwatch and photo she had given my mother, and being told when the funeral takes place (she's not getting a card!) This disease really does reveal character in others.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I hope you're managing to cope on the crutches, and are soon better.
It must be so much more difficult when it's your spouse - at least I know it would be for me. You are indeed getting inventive, last year's cards is such a good idea. I know you were joking about the criteria for sending cards but actually it's a good way of filtering out unnecessaries. My mother's cousin only seemed interested in getting back a family wristwatch and photo she had given my mother, and being told when the funeral takes place (she's not getting a card!) This disease really does reveal character in others.
You have so much more than a family wristwatch and photo. You have your mothers love, and I hope you have wonderful memories together. These are more important. A little story....
When my Mom was dying my sister got her to change her will leaving almost everything to her. I could have contested the will but didn’t, because I loved my Mom and I know if she had been of sound mind she wouldn’t have done that. Mom left me her barometer because when she walked past it she always tapped it. I always joked with her that she should leave it to me in her will.
I eventually got the barometer but only after involving solicitors. All of Moms private possessions she scattered to family and friends. I didn’t get anything, apart from the barometer, which is my treasured possession. I also tap it every time I walk past. My son wants it, one day, because it reminds him of his grandmother.
I haven’t spoken, apart from seeing her at weddings or funerals, since Mom died. That was in 1987!! I don’t need her in my life, my life is better without her (she once punched me in the face and made my nose bleed all over my new born son).
But.... I have wonderful memories of a Mom that gave me unconditional love and comfort, and she always made me better.
Sorry I’ve rabbitted on again.
With love to you, stay strong, love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I am in awe of your resilience, this year was our 49th Wedding anniversary, and the first time I did not get card or flowers. Last year, he remembered, and had a little help from our son.
this year, no memory, no thought. Is it just me to feel so miserable about such things
I got him a card, as we always have, but then thinking how our sons might feel, and that possibly my husband might feel something , when seeing it and knowing that they had forgotten, I just put it away
As you said so many things to deal with, and nobody shows us how. This forum is so useful.
As for Christmas. Well, I got the tree out today, it is lying in the utility, and after tonight, might well stay there!!!
Dear Katy
I don’t see myself as having much resilience, like you I’m just getting on with it. It’s not the choice we want but what other choice is there? I just wrote that and I’m not sure it makes sense, but I hope you know what I mean!
It’s so very hard knowing that the person you love so much is now just different. It’s still them, but it isn’t is it? I look at my husband and apart from being thinner and more frail looking, he is still my husband. But he doesn’t react and respond like he used to.
It was our 40th anniversary this year. We had been planning what we would do for over a year. Of course, none of it happened, although we did get to have a quiet lunch in a local pub, just the two of us. Then we came home and we had an almighty row, screaming, shouting, and I had enough and screamed and shouted back. I know I shouldn’t, but we are only human, and it builds up.
I understand about the card. I could have bought one before I went into hospital. I did think about it when I bought Christmas cards. But I knew that my husband wouldn’t be able to, or wouldn’t think, and last year’s card was bought by him, written by him, and I like to think it is still him.
As for your tree, that is a tough one. Will the tree make you feel better, seeing it decorated, a normal event every year? The main reasons for it not happening here is that I’m on crutches, and all the decorations are in the loft, put there last year by my husband. He will never be able to go up the steps into the loft again. I’m not asking anyone else. So we will decorate with the cards received and have a quiet Christmas together.
I’m wishing you well Katy, it’s tough... but I’m thinking about you.
Love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I also have been using old cards to and from my husband for years, just for myself really as he hasn't got a clue about Christmas any more.
This will be a first for me this Christmas, but I think that is it. I won’t be able to let him loose in Sainsbury’s to shop for cards again.
But it’s still tough isn’t it. I’m sitting here writing this and I could feel the lump in the throat and the tears start.
It’s all so very sad. Thank goodness we can tell people on here how we really feel. I don’t know about you but I can’t tell anyone face to face how I really feel.
Take care, love B xx
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I’ve been thinking the same - my mum has dementia and we had to put her in a home after my Dad died suddenly in the summer - friends and family have clearly shown who cares about what I’m going through and who don’t seem to even give me a thought so I’ll be sending quite a few less cards this year ... humbug I know but don’t think I care! This ‘festive’ time certainly focuses the mind
You must be going through such a rough time. I’m so sorry to hear you lost your Dad, and now have all the trauma and distress of getting your Mom settled in a care home. It’s easy for me to say stay strong, I don’t even really know what that means. Life can be so cruel.
Please try to take care of yourself. And don’t give another thought about all those friends and family that have fallen away. It’s the one or two who truly care that we can get support and comfort from. They are the ones that really matter.
Love B xx