Is it me. have I changed so much.

[Casbow]

Dearest Casbow,
Your post touched me so much because I have a similar situation although it is with my youngest son not a sibling. In the darkest days when my husband was at home and before he was sectioned I had a phone call from my son who was 44 at the time(from my first marriage) he was crying that he and his partner were splitting up and would I lend him money for the deposit on a flat and he would pay it back when the house sold. I took him at his word and lent him the money, he knew my husband was ill but he didn't hesitate to add to my distress.
When the house was sold he wouldn't keep his promise of repaying the money, instead I just got emails telling me what a useless mother I was and that he wasn't going to pay the money back.
When all of this was going on my husband had just gone into care and I was experiencing the most unimaginable grief, so instead of some support or kindness all I got was lies and insults.
Eventually when I got my emotions under control and my head back together I took the emails to a solicitor and changed my will, leaving him nothing. Do I regret doing this - no. For you own child to behave like this is unforgivable. I have never replied to him and recently he has started sending cards at birthdays, mother's day and Christmas but they just go in the bin, I never reply.
Like you Casbow, I don't want other people in my life and for the last three years I go daily to see my husband and at the staff at the home have become part of my life and are more real to me than family. What really hurts, and I see it in the posts here is how there is so little understanding of what we go through from the people who should care the most. I know some people will think that I heartless or cold but I am not I am crushed with the whole awfulness of caring and the way life has turned out. We put on our brave faces and carry on because there is nothing else we can do, so if people, especially families, cannot see that then thank god for friends who do understand.
Take care Casbow and at least on TP we do have friends who understand.
Love to you Kathyx

Thank you for your post. I do appreciate every answer I have got on here. It has really helped me and I have made up my mind to let it go now. 5 months and getting nowhere. I think it may be because she is 15 years younger and I have always been her big sister that she loved. She was only 6 months old when I met my husband and for years she was the little girl that went with us whenever we could take her. Now he is in a nursing home and I am old. (Well supposed to be.)At 72 I do not feel that old, just unhappy and very tired. I hope you can be happy my love. Must be painful when it is your son behaving like that. Thank you so much for your help. love to you. Carol.xxx

 

[Casbow]

I have to say thank you to everyone that took the time and trouble to tell me their own stories or experiences. There have been a lot of responses and I think I have answered you all individually but as I am not sure, to you all, thank you. I have decided what to do. And I will let go and not bother her anymore. I think 5 months of being ignored is probably enough to have spoilt my love for her anyway. I still have my lovely husband who after 18 months in a care home seems happy and settled. He will often smile at me and always hold my hand. It has been a long time to see him looking mostly calm and settled. He relates really well with the staff and they are always calling him Our David. So this is a new chapter and thanks to you all I will get on with life now. Love you all and wish you and your PWD a peaceful life.xxxxx

 

[AliceA]

Do you know Illusions by Richard Bach?

It is a story, in it there is a handbook, this is from the latter.

The bond that links your true family is not one of blood,
But of respect and joy in each other's life.
Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.

Perhaps this chimes with many of us!

Dear Casbow, it is lovely to hear your husband is content and you happily hold hands, xxx

 

[notsogooddtr]

My story is similar, I also had a younger sister, almost 15 years younger than me(a brother too, they were twins) Me and my husband took them out as children, we were close but not really as siblings. They were delighted when my own children came along and eventually I was delighted to be an aunt to their much younger children. Our parents became ill when they both had young families, to my shame I expected them to do as much to support our parents as I did and resented the fact that they didn't. Cracks began to appear in my relationship with my sister, I was much less judgemental about my brother. Then my sister was diagnosed was diagnosed with breast cancer. She responded well to her treatment but was then diagnosed with secondery brain cancer. 10 months later she died aged 45.She would have been 50 next Thursday. I will never forgive myself for my coldness towards her and my incredible selfishness. She suffered terribly towards the end of her life and had to face leaving her 2 little girls. Not the same as your situation but I think what I'm saying in a very long winded way is never say never. Leave the door ajar. I would give anything to be able to turn the clock back.

 

[Unhappy15]

Thank you for your post. I do appreciate every answer I have got on here. It has really helped me and I have made up my mind to let it go now. 5 months and getting nowhere. I think it may be because she is 15 years younger and I have always been her big sister that she loved. She was only 6 months old when I met my husband and for years she was the little girl that went with us whenever we could take her. Now he is in a nursing home and I am old. (Well supposed to be.)At 72 I do not feel that old, just unhappy and very tired. I hope you can be happy my love. Must be painful when it is your son behaving like that. Thank you so much for your help. love to you. Carol.xxx

Dear Carol
We must be twins! I am 72 also, my husband Joe is 84 and has settled into the home and looks well and happy. He has a lady friend who looks after him when I am not there, she fusses over him and they hold hands and sometimes the three of us sit together, he's got it made and the staff call him Mr Hansom. Its just us that have the worry , like you say unhappy and very tired but still we have done our best for them.
Take care and best wishes
Kathy x