Is it me. have I changed so much.

[Casbow]

I am fifteen years older than my sister. Because of the age gap we have never fell out with each other. She was 6 months old when I met my husband. That was 57 years ago. Life has always been very much family orientated but with everyone having their own life. About 15 plus years ago we had a big falling out twice. Both of those times I thought it might be the menopause (hers). As a woman, I hate to say this, but I really do think that we ladies are very up and down with moods when we have the menopause. (Well some of us.) Anyway, both of those times it took a couple weeks for us to get it sorted. Lots of arguments on the phone and her turning up at my house or my Mums and having a right old go. But that all blew over and here we are a lot of years later and the bust up this time is so bad that I don't think it will ever become right. It is a long story but she has told me that she doesn't want to see me or speak to me again. I have tried to communicate on messenger but she refuses to have any more to do with me or our sons. She has taken us all of off her Facebook page and thats ok but my eldest son, in particular, doesn't know what's going on. I try not to involve his family as well. He has the youngest grandchildren and lives in London and their life is very full on. So the last time she answered me was about the beginning of September. (on messenger). I tried to message her husband but he ignored me as well. So as a last resort I texted her and she still didn't answer. Her daughter does not seem to want to know. Either she doesn't want to get involved or she believes what her mum is saying about me. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter. But of course it does. It is eleven years since my husbands diagnosis and I don't need to tell any of you how it drags you down. I am now thinking maybe I am horrible and I know I am a misery but I am also becoming so depressed that I don't want to see anyone as life is easier if I don't. All I want to do is see my husband and the staff that look after him who are lovely. That is my life. But it is nagging away at me. I cannot see that I have done so much wrong that it has ended like this. Sorry to post this. You all have
much worse to deal with. All I asked was did she want my tumble dryer.!!! xx

 

[marionq]

I think the age gap has finally divided you. My own sister is 11 years older than me and although I like and admire her we are not close. She is very gregarious - at 85 - and I am more cerebral and like a lot of solitary things.

Right now you are hurting and your sister should know the stress you are under but people are people and full of flaws. If it really matters to you then in your Christmas card put a handwritten letter letting her know you are sad but accepting that she doesn’t want to be with you at present and leave an opening for her to change her mind in future.

Life is very mean at times. Good wishes.

 

[canary]

Oh @Casbow ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Firstly, you are not a horrible person, nor are you a misery - you are someone who is caring for someone with dementia and you are struggling. Im sure It is not your fault that your sister has taken against you - you have tried to make amends. Sometimes we never know what the cause of these fallings out are, but please dont dwell on it now. I think you have enough on your plate just looking after your husband.

 

[Caz60]

Casbow,This is a problem that happens to many family's so don't think it's you .
It's a fact you are a caring person as you have the task of carer for your beloved.
Unfortunately sisters can be close or don't care if they never see you again and you have to accept it.
Just fill your life with people that you feel good with ,the hurt will settle i know.
At the time my hubby was unwell with the onset of LBD as we now know my mum passed away and my sister and I were at loggerheads, it settled and we tolerated each other.Over the last 2 months it reached a final point and I am calmer now at least we know where we are ,there is no desire to amend just getting on with life .My hubby is in care and he would cry if he knew but he never will .He and I are all that mattersxx

 

[Philbo]

Families, Families, Families

So sorry to hear your story and I am sure that many on here can empathise (I certainly can).

I am the youngest (68 - almost) of 5 siblings, with 15 years between me an my eldest bother (the two eldest have sadly passed away). Due to the age gaps, plus my mother being very difficult to live with most of the time, we were never a really close family. Of the two remaining, my brother lives half the year in Spain and my sister is in Australia. Lucky if I hear from them once a year?

My wife (PWD) on the other hand is the eldest of 3 sisters, with only 4 years between them. They were always very close and had the occasional bust ups, but nothing overly dramatic. She also has a younger adopted brother, also living locally.

As her dementia has progressed, we see less and less of them these days. One lives local to us and her husband passed away suddenly earlier in the year. She keeps in touch and pops in every few weeks. The other (youngest) lives around 90 minutes away and though she rings every 3 or so weeks, my wife cannot understand the conversation and as her speech is affected, cannot communicate. They only visit around 3 times a year and then only a flying visit.

We used to see her brother every weekend, as we use the same pub but he had a falling out with his mates there and hasn't been in since March! He hasn't been in contact with us either!

Sadly (but thankfully), it's our great friends in the pub who very supportive, which judging by comments in previous threads, is quite often the case?

What's the old saying - "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family"

You have obviously done a great job of supporting and caring for your husband, so nothing else matters. Sending virtual hugs.

Best wishes.
Phil

 

[Grannie G]

My sister and I have never been close and the differences widened when I became a carer for my husband and she thought I was wrong in everything I did.

Sometimes we can't meet the needs of family members, never mind the people we are carers for.

It`s upsetting and I do envy those who have close relationships with family members but sometimes we have to accept it is what it is.

You`ve been through so much @Casbow. Those who have followed your story on TP know how much. I know I have changed after my caring experiences and perhaps you have too. Maybe your sister has also changed. Who knows!

 

[love.dad.but..]

I think caring does change a person. Siblings hmm! My 2 sisters distanced themselves from dad and me during my time of caring. Before that I always thought with my younger sister particularly we were close. It did hurt me ...I was very sad too that half my fanily had gone..mum dad twin brother no extended family..so our family was just us 3 sisters.I couldn't understand firstly that they would be like that for dad and then for me that they wouldn't readily respond or keep in contact. Mum had died suddenly and I think it really brought home to me that she was the glue that had held us all together. We didn't fall out...have a blazing row...may have been easier to accept if we had...I asked over time was there anything I had done or said that had upset them...no was always the answer...it was them not me! So none the wiser but it did change things for me...I would not have been like that with either of them if they were taking the lion's share of caring...emotionally after a hard visit to dad...clearing the house...or many other times I wished they could just email and say I know there isn't anything practical from a distance we can do..but do you want to offload mentally for support. I felt most sorry for dad though...more than 4 visits from them a year isn't much to ask. However...I am trying to keep once a year get together going...but as you may imagine it is all coming from me so I really don't think they are that interested and I think whilst I wish it was different that I never dreamt it would be that way...that I am a little envious of friends who have siblings they are in frequent good contact with..I have come to accept it.

You have had a really tough time with your caring role ....support and wanting to maintain a good relationship with siblings that is not one sided should be the norm but as you can see from me and others...it is often not the case. Sometimes it is not us it is them. You have done nothing wrong...but I and others know that sometimes makes it harder to fathom why we have been jettisoned from their lives and the ease and determination with which they do it. Take care of the people that matter...you and your OH.

 

[Sad Staffs]

I am fifteen years older than my sister. Because of the age gap we have never fell out with each other. She was 6 months old when I met my husband. That was 57 years ago. Life has always been very much family orientated but with everyone having their own life. About 15 plus years ago we had a big falling out twice. Both of those times I thought it might be the menopause (hers). As a woman, I hate to say this, but I really do think that we ladies are very up and down with moods when we have the menopause. (Well some of us.) Anyway, both of those times it took a couple weeks for us to get it sorted. Lots of arguments on the phone and her turning up at my house or my Mums and having a right old go. But that all blew over and here we are a lot of years later and the bust up this time is so bad that I don't think it will ever become right. It is a long story but she has told me that she doesn't want to see me or speak to me again. I have tried to communicate on messenger but she refuses to have any more to do with me or our sons. She has taken us all of off her Facebook page and thats ok but my eldest son, in particular, doesn't know what's going on. I try not to involve his family as well. He has the youngest grandchildren and lives in London and their life is very full on. So the last time she answered me was about the beginning of September. (on messenger). I tried to message her husband but he ignored me as well. So as a last resort I texted her and she still didn't answer. Her daughter does not seem to want to know. Either she doesn't want to get involved or she believes what her mum is saying about me. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter. But of course it does. It is eleven years since my husbands diagnosis and I don't need to tell any of you how it drags you down. I am now thinking maybe I am horrible and I know I am a misery but I am also becoming so depressed that I don't want to see anyone as life is easier if I don't. All I want to do is see my husband and the staff that look after him who are lovely. That is my life. But it is nagging away at me. I cannot see that I have done so much wrong that it has ended like this. Sorry to post this. You all have
much worse to deal with. All I asked was did she want my tumble dryer.!!! xx

I don’t know where to start.... I feel for you as you really want a close sibling relationship, but for whatever reason it has gone awry. It is hard when you don’t really understand why things have gone wrong. Trouble is it sounds as if you care for your sister and regardless of how she is, it’s not what you want, but what can you do to put that right. I’m probably not making much sense, so I will explain where I am with my sister.

She is 6 years older than me. I don’t know why she has always hated me, but she has from when I was a small child. When I was little, if mom was out I would lock myself in the toilet because my sister was cruel and bullied me.
An example, when I had my first son, mom was baby sitting at her house, I got back a bit late, my sister punched me in the face made my nose bleed all over my new son who was in my arms.
One day she and I had to see the GP about Mom, he told us she had weeks to live. We left, I was distraught, my sister said ‘well she had better not be incontinent, she isn’t living in my house if she is’. I think that was the final breaking point.
The weeks before Mom died my sister got the solicitor to visit so Mom could change her will leaving almost all of her estate to my sister. I could have contested it, as Mom wasn’t of sound mind, but I didn’t. It’s what Mom had done and it was only money. I had my wonderful memories of a mother who had loved me unconditionally. If her estate was so important to my sister then she was welcome. I knew it wouldn’t make her happy.
Over the years I have tried to make friends but she has always rejected any advances made.
When Mom was being taken to the hospice, she held my hand and said ‘I know when I’ve gone that it will be over between you and your sister, and I want you to know that it’s ok’. Mom gave me permission to finish the turbulent relationship I had with my sister.
And that is how it is today.
It has split the family, but I have never expected the family to side with me. It has been their choice what they want to do.
I wish I had the love of a sister that I could be close to, especially at times like now. But I don’t and I came to terms with that many years ago.
I don’t like my sister, I don’t love her, and finally I’m ok with that. That is the way it is and my life has been happier without her.

I’m sorry that I have waffled on, and I doubt that it has been of any help to you, it has probably benefited me more than you and I’m sorry I haven’t helped you more.
I think if I can say one final thing, don’t beat yourself up. There are some people that your life is better without them. And that is ok.
Thinking about you, with love, B xx

 

[Casbow]

I think the age gap has finally divided you. My own sister is 11 years older than me and although I like and admire her we are not close. She is very gregarious - at 85 - and I am more cerebral and like a lot of solitary things.

Right now you are hurting and your sister should know the stress you are under but people are people and full of flaws. If it really matters to you then in your Christmas card put a handwritten letter letting her know you are sad but accepting that she doesn’t want to be with you at present and leave an opening for her to change her mind in future.

Life is very mean at times. Good wishes.

Thank you for your support. I will wait two more weeks to see if she gets in touch and then that will be it. I will do what you suggest and send a card. I have sent her 5 messages in the last 2 weeks and been ignored. It is 5 months now. Not giving it any more time. I am not the first person she has had a forever fallout with. Just the first relative. Thankyou Marionq.xx

 

[Casbow]

Oh @Casbow ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Firstly, you are not a horrible person, nor are you a misery - you are someone who is caring for someone with dementia and you are struggling. Im sure It is not your fault that your sister has taken against you - you have tried to make amends. Sometimes we never know what the cause of these fallings out are, but please dont dwell on it now. I think you have enough on your plate just looking after your husband.

Thank you for your support canary. I have decided not to chase her anymore. 5 months trying to get her to talk about hasn't worked. So I am giving up.xxx

 

[Jale]

Your story is so sad, you have tried your best to reconcile with your sister, but for whatever reason(s) she isn't listening. You are not an awful person, just someone who is trying their very best to cope. I had a bust-up with my brother (he threatened to thump me) and I now try to have as little to do with him as possible, but because of Mum (PWD) and because we hold joint POA we do have to talk/get together sometimes.

I think you need to see your GP re your feelings of depression, or if possible the Admiral Nurses, trying to cope on your own drags you down (I know from experience) and maybe they will be able to help you.

Sending some hugs your way and take care x

 

[Casbow]

Casbow,This is a problem that happens to many family's so don't think it's you .
It's a fact you are a caring person as you have the task of carer for your beloved.
Unfortunately sisters can be close or don't care if they never see you again and you have to accept it.
Just fill your life with people that you feel good with ,the hurt will settle i know.
At the time my hubby was unwell with the onset of LBD as we now know my mum passed away and my sister and I were at loggerheads, it settled and we tolerated each other.Over the last 2 months it reached a final point and I am calmer now at least we know where we are ,there is no desire to amend just getting on with life .My hubby is in care and he would cry if he knew but he never will .He and I are all that mattersxx

Thank you Caz60. I appreciate your answering me. I now know that I will give up and accept the situation. Sad but I cannot keep worrying about it and getting nowhere. Thank you.xxxx

 

[Casbow]

Families, Families, Families

So sorry to hear your story and I am sure that many on here can empathise (I certainly can).

I am the youngest (68 - almost) of 5 siblings, with 15 years between me an my eldest bother (the two eldest have sadly passed away). Due to the age gaps, plus my mother being very difficult to live with most of the time, we were never a really close family. Of the two remaining, my brother lives half the year in Spain and my sister is in Australia. Lucky if I hear from them once a year?

My wife (PWD) on the other hand is the eldest of 3 sisters, with only 4 years between them. They were always very close and had the occasional bust ups, but nothing overly dramatic. She also has a younger adopted brother, also living locally.

As her dementia has progressed, we see less and less of them these days. One lives local to us and her husband passed away suddenly earlier in the year. She keeps in touch and pops in every few weeks. The other (youngest) lives around 90 minutes away and though she rings every 3 or so weeks, my wife cannot understand the conversation and as her speech is affected, cannot communicate. They only visit around 3 times a year and then only a flying visit.

We used to see her brother every weekend, as we use the same pub but he had a falling out with his mates there and hasn't been in since March! He hasn't been in contact with us either!

Sadly (but thankfully), it's our great friends in the pub who very supportive, which judging by comments in previous threads, is quite often the case?

What's the old saying - "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family"

You have obviously done a great job of supporting and caring for your husband, so nothing else matters. Sending virtual hugs.

Best wishes.
Phil

You are so right about our friends. I have had more support and still have it from friends, than anyone else. My sons and their families will always help if I ask but they are always to busy so I try not to ask. Thank you for writing to me.xxx

 

[Casbow]

Your story is so sad, you have tried your best to reconcile with your sister, but for whatever reason(s) she isn't listening. You are not an awful person, just someone who is trying their very best to cope. I had a bust-up with my brother (he threatened to thump me) and I now try to have as little to do with him as possible, but because of Mum (PWD) and because we hold joint POA we do have to talk/get together sometimes.

I think you need to see your GP re your feelings of depression, or if possible the Admiral Nurses, trying to cope on your own drags you down (I know from experience) and maybe they will be able to help you.

Sending some hugs your way and take care x

Your story is so sad, you have tried your best to reconcile with your sister, but for whatever reason(s) she isn't listening. You are not an awful person, just someone who is trying their very best to cope. I had a bust-up with my brother (he threatened to thump me) and I now try to have as little to do with him as possible, but because of Mum (PWD) and because we hold joint POA we do have to talk/get together sometimes.

I think you need to see your GP re your feelings of depression, or if possible the Admiral Nurses, trying to cope on your own drags you down (I know from experience) and maybe they will be able to help you.

Sending some hugs your way and take care x

 

[Casbow]

My sister and I have never been close and the differences widened when I became a carer for my husband and she thought I was wrong in everything I did.

Sometimes we can't meet the needs of family members, never mind the people we are carers for.

It`s upsetting and I do envy those who have close relationships with family members but sometimes we have to accept it is what it is.

You`ve been through so much @Casbow. Those who have followed your story on TP know how much. I know I have changed after my caring experiences and perhaps you have too. Maybe your sister has also changed. Who knows!

Yes I think you are right about the living with dementia changing us. It would change everyone I should think. But I feel that I do not deserve for my sister to turn her back on me. She isn't able to come an visit me as she doesn't drive and lives a 40 minute drive away. Her husband used to bring her but is not speaking to me either.! So I give up. I will not lose any more sleep over this. Its not worth it. (Easier said than done.) Thank you so much Grannie G for your continued support. I hope you are well.xxx

 

[Casbow]

I think caring does change a person. Siblings hmm! My 2 sisters distanced themselves from dad and me during my time of caring. Before that I always thought with my younger sister particularly we were close. It did hurt me ...I was very sad too that half my fanily had gone..mum dad twin brother no extended family..so our family was just us 3 sisters.I couldn't understand firstly that they would be like that for dad and then for me that they wouldn't readily respond or keep in contact. Mum had died suddenly and I think it really brought home to me that she was the glue that had held us all together. We didn't fall out...have a blazing row...may have been easier to accept if we had...I asked over time was there anything I had done or said that had upset them...no was always the answer...it was them not me! So none the wiser but it did change things for me...I would not have been like that with either of them if they were taking the lion's share of caring...emotionally after a hard visit to dad...clearing the house...or many other times I wished they could just email and say I know there isn't anything practical from a distance we can do..but do you want to offload mentally for support. I felt most sorry for dad though...more than 4 visits from them a year isn't much to ask. However...I am trying to keep once a year get together going...but as you may imagine it is all coming from me so I really don't think they are that interested and I think whilst I wish it was different that I never dreamt it would be that way...that I am a little envious of friends who have siblings they are in frequent good contact with..I have come to accept it.

You have had a really tough time with your caring role ....support and wanting to maintain a good relationship with siblings that is not one sided should be the norm but as you can see from me and others...it is often not the case. Sometimes it is not us it is them. You have done nothing wrong...but I and others know that sometimes makes it harder to fathom why we have been jettisoned from their lives and the ease and determination with which they do it. Take care of the people that matter...you and your OH.

 

[Casbow]

I think caring does change a person. Siblings hmm! My 2 sisters distanced themselves from dad and me during my time of caring. Before that I always thought with my younger sister particularly we were close. It did hurt me ...I was very sad too that half my fanily had gone..mum dad twin brother no extended family..so our family was just us 3 sisters.I couldn't understand firstly that they would be like that for dad and then for me that they wouldn't readily respond or keep in contact. Mum had died suddenly and I think it really brought home to me that she was the glue that had held us all together. We didn't fall out...have a blazing row...may have been easier to accept if we had...I asked over time was there anything I had done or said that had upset them...no was always the answer...it was them not me! So none the wiser but it did change things for me...I would not have been like that with either of them if they were taking the lion's share of caring...emotionally after a hard visit to dad...clearing the house...or many other times I wished they could just email and say I know there isn't anything practical from a distance we can do..but do you want to offload mentally for support. I felt most sorry for dad though...more than 4 visits from them a year isn't much to ask. However...I am trying to keep once a year get together going...but as you may imagine it is all coming from me so I really don't think they are that interested and I think whilst I wish it was different that I never dreamt it would be that way...that I am a little envious of friends who have siblings they are in frequent good contact with..I have come to accept it.

You have had a really tough time with your caring role ....support and wanting to maintain a good relationship with siblings that is not one sided should be the norm but as you can see from me and others...it is often not the case. Sometimes it is not us it is them. You have done nothing wrong...but I and others know that sometimes makes it harder to fathom why we have been jettisoned from their lives and the ease and determination with which they do it. Take care of the people that matter...you and your OH.

Thank you for writing to me. I appreciate all of the stories and advice and it has helped me to feel better. I will not bother her or her husband again. If they don't want to know me thats their problem. I am no longer allowing it to be mine. Hope you are ok. Thank you again.xxx

 

[Casbow]

I don’t know where to start.... I feel for you as you really want a close sibling relationship, but for whatever reason it has gone awry. It is hard when you don’t really understand why things have gone wrong. Trouble is it sounds as if you care for your sister and regardless of how she is, it’s not what you want, but what can you do to put that right. I’m probably not making much sense, so I will explain where I am with my sister.

She is 6 years older than me. I don’t know why she has always hated me, but she has from when I was a small child. When I was little, if mom was out I would lock myself in the toilet because my sister was cruel and bullied me.
An example, when I had my first son, mom was baby sitting at her house, I got back a bit late, my sister punched me in the face made my nose bleed all over my new son who was in my arms.
One day she and I had to see the GP about Mom, he told us she had weeks to live. We left, I was distraught, my sister said ‘well she had better not be incontinent, she isn’t living in my house if she is’. I think that was the final breaking point.
The weeks before Mom died my sister got the solicitor to visit so Mom could change her will leaving almost all of her estate to my sister. I could have contested it, as Mom wasn’t of sound mind, but I didn’t. It’s what Mom had done and it was only money. I had my wonderful memories of a mother who had loved me unconditionally. If her estate was so important to my sister then she was welcome. I knew it wouldn’t make her happy.
Over the years I have tried to make friends but she has always rejected any advances made.
When Mom was being taken to the hospice, she held my hand and said ‘I know when I’ve gone that it will be over between you and your sister, and I want you to know that it’s ok’. Mom gave me permission to finish the turbulent relationship I had with my sister.
And that is how it is today.
It has split the family, but I have never expected the family to side with me. It has been their choice what they want to do.
I wish I had the love of a sister that I could be close to, especially at times like now. But I don’t and I came to terms with that many years ago.
I don’t like my sister, I don’t love her, and finally I’m ok with that. That is the way it is and my life has been happier without her.

I’m sorry that I have waffled on, and I doubt that it has been of any help to you, it has probably benefited me more than you and I’m sorry I haven’t helped you more.
I think if I can say one final thing, don’t beat yourself up. There are some people that your life is better without them. And that is ok.
Thinking about you, with love, B xx

Hello there. What a rotten time you have had with your family. Don't think I would like your sister very much. !! I hope you have a peaceful like now. I do appreciate hearing your story and have made up my mind that I will not let this ruin my life anymore . Five months is enough. I have really been surprised at how many people have these family troubles. Makes no sense but there we are. Thats life. As the saying goes.xxxx

 

[Casbow]

Your story is so sad, you have tried your best to reconcile with your sister, but for whatever reason(s) she isn't listening. You are not an awful person, just someone who is trying their very best to cope. I had a bust-up with my brother (he threatened to thump me) and I now try to have as little to do with him as possible, but because of Mum (PWD) and because we hold joint POA we do have to talk/get together sometimes.

I think you need to see your GP re your feelings of depression, or if possible the Admiral Nurses, trying to cope on your own drags you down (I know from experience) and maybe they will be able to help you.

Sending some hugs your way and take care x

Thank you so much Jale. Life can be so difficult. As if the dealing with dementia isn't enough.!!!! I do have good friends to talk to but I don't like to run my sister down to them. They have all met her on and off at family get- togethers (when life was pre dementia.) But I have now made up my mind and will not contact her anymore. She has been ignoring me since the beginning of July. Hope you are well.xxxx

 

[Unhappy15]

Dearest Casbow,
Your post touched me so much because I have a similar situation although it is with my youngest son not a sibling. In the darkest days when my husband was at home and before he was sectioned I had a phone call from my son who was 44 at the time(from my first marriage) he was crying that he and his partner were splitting up and would I lend him money for the deposit on a flat and he would pay it back when the house sold. I took him at his word and lent him the money, he knew my husband was ill but he didn't hesitate to add to my distress.
When the house was sold he wouldn't keep his promise of repaying the money, instead I just got emails telling me what a useless mother I was and that he wasn't going to pay the money back.
When all of this was going on my husband had just gone into care and I was experiencing the most unimaginable grief, so instead of some support or kindness all I got was lies and insults.
Eventually when I got my emotions under control and my head back together I took the emails to a solicitor and changed my will, leaving him nothing. Do I regret doing this - no. For you own child to behave like this is unforgivable. I have never replied to him and recently he has started sending cards at birthdays, mother's day and Christmas but they just go in the bin, I never reply.
Like you Casbow, I don't want other people in my life and for the last three years I go daily to see my husband and at the staff at the home have become part of my life and are more real to me than family. What really hurts, and I see it in the posts here is how there is so little understanding of what we go through from the people who should care the most. I know some people will think that I heartless or cold but I am not I am crushed with the whole awfulness of caring and the way life has turned out. We put on our brave faces and carry on because there is nothing else we can do, so if people, especially families, cannot see that then thank god for friends who do understand.
Take care Casbow and at least on TP we do have friends who understand.
Love to you Kathyx