My cousin lost her husband 2 years ago. She has and still is devastated. She thinks I’m lucky to still have my husband, even though she knows some of what it’s like for me. I don’t think she will ever move on with her life as her husband was her world.
But she has freedom, she goes out when she wants to, she potters in the garden, she came to see me this morning with no time restrictions, she makes decisions about her life, she doesn’t have someone screaming at her, being difficult, dealing with incontinence hourly, I could go on and on.
I have no life of my own. I can’t leave him on his own for more than a couple of hours, so I don’t bother.... what can you do in that time when you have to get there and back?
I don’t hate my husband, I don’t always like him, I don’t wish him dead, and I still love the man that I married.
But I want my own life before I’m too old and worn out to have any life left.
I sometimes think the only way out is for us both to die. I’m sure most of you will think I should be ashamed for such thoughts. In truth, I can’t believe I have said that, but I think it, all the time I think it. If I can’t be honest here, where can I be.
I feel our lives have little or no value. So what is the point?
It’s one day after the other, rarely different, always difficult, arguments, shouting, aggression. He fights me mentally all the time. It’s wearing me out. It’s not doing him any good either.