Getting help for my mother

[Sarasa]

Nothing much happening on the mum front, but we do have the meeting with the consultant (the one that wanted to prescribe risperidone sight unseen) on Monday. I told mum about it today, but tried not to make too big thing of it. At the moment she is being amenable about it, lets see what Monday brings.
At the moment she seems pretty upbeat and jolly. Her memory is getting very bad and about half her conversation is about the things the neighbours have done, but she hasn't had any meltdowns for a while. Looking back these seem to be coming in six week cycles. Is that a known thing or just a coincidence do you think?

 

[Cazzita]

Hello, I have no idea but changes are definitely going on aren't they but at least your mum is more amenable - it makes such a difference doesn't it? Hopefully one day she will forget about the neighbours!
Good luck with the appointment on Monday, keep us updated. xx

 

[Cazzita]

My mum is soiling every day now - poor thing. She says she feels like she can control it and is shocked when she realises she can't. Mind you, she will come downstairs and not say a word about the 'mess' upstairs. Plus, she has not changed her clothes in 4 days and does not see why she should as they are quite comfortable thank you very much! Life eh? x

 

[Sarasa]

That sounds hard @Cazzita. All my mum's 'accidents' so far have involved make-up or marmalade. Her bed got covered in make-up and various bits of the house in marmalade. It's obviously mum though whether she does it deliberately and then forgets or she is having series of bizarre accidents I'm not sure.

 

[Sarasa]

Oh B*gger. Had mum on the phone this afternoon refusing to go to the appointment on Monday as she 'Is perfectly fine and doesn't need anyone's help.' I'm afraid I didn't handle it well and put the phone down because I could tell otherwise we'd end up with a complete full-blown row. I said I'd phone tomorrow and I'll try to be more consolatory. I haven't said about the consultant wanting to prescribe risperidone sight unseen, hence me organising this appointment. I don't know if explaining that will make things better or worse.

 

[Sirena]

I am wondering if she is likely to have forgotten about it again by Monday or is it firmly lodged in her mind? When you phone her tomorrow will she remember what was said today?

I would personally avoid referring to it at all if possible. I never told my mother about things in advance because it gave her time to stew on it - either that, or she'd forget anyway. So I told her on the day, to avoid stewing time. Is it likely she will really understand the issues re the risperidone? It might make her all the more determined not to go, on the grounds of (a) nothing being wrong with her and/or (b) not wanting to take tablets. You don't want to set up a situation where she digs her heels in for good.

 

[Sarasa]

Thanks for the advice @Sirena about not telling mum about the drug conversation I had. I did wonder about not saying anything till Monday and I would have done if they'd been going to her place rather than us going there. I've known for ages but only told her on Wednesday, obviously it was far too soon. Mum's memory is not good, but it is a lot better than you'd expect from someone who displays a lot of the symptoms of moderate dementia. She has a bee in her bonnet about the appointment being with a woman she doesn't like. We had someone come round from the memory clinic that mum seemed to really take too, but I know someone else did phone her as well. I've spoken to that person and I must say they didn't exactly impress me either, so maybe that's who she's thinking of. The appointment however is with a man.


My sister in law has just spoken to her and says she sounded quite jolly but would rather go to her keep fit class than the appointment. Oh well it isn't the end of the world if we don't get there, though I do worry that it brings a crisis happening nearer.

 

[Sirena]

I don't know if you'll be able to firmly persuade her to go this time; as you say, she already has a bee in her bonnet. You could give it a go by explaining the appointment is with a different doctor, not the person she has taken against. You could also try to attach the reason for the appoitnment to something she has expressed a problem with (whatever that is at the moment) and say he will help her resolve that.

I think for future appointments you just have to present it to her very close to the time and jolly her along, batting away all objections. If you wait for her to be happy about it, it probably won't happen, and seeing this consultant and getting meds could be very helpful even if your MIL doesn't see it that way.

 

[Sarasa]

I'm backing off for the moment. Mum is adamant she isn't going even when I said it was a male doctor and I wasn't sure exactly why they wanted to see her but thought it was routine because she'd called 999 and they were concerned she was OK. She didn't really buy that, though it is more or less true. I said it was up to her but if she changed her mind let me know.
Her best friend had a long conversation with her this morning. Mum had phoned her as she thought it was Monday and they were off to Keep Fit. Friend told her she should keep the appointment and listen to what her children told her. She told the friend I had Alzheimer's and was paying a lot for this appointment. I guess its a way to make her refusal make sense to her.
I really don't know who much longer she can carry on living alone with no help. She couldn't really remember a lot of the words she wanted to use, and her eyesight seems to have got even worse. At least she is happy to go to a routine eye appointment on Thursday that I'm taking her to, so I might raise the getting help issue there and hope they can persuade her.
At least her flat is on the market, but things being slow it could take a while till it sells, and we can move her nearer my brother. Mind you a crisis could hit way before that.

 

[Sarasa]

Well we didn't get mum to the appointment, but I've managed to piggyback an appointment she has with her GP. That appointment is due to what happened last Thursday. I took mum to an eye appointment and then back to her home. She came out with me when I went for my bus saying she was just going to get something for tea. However as well (or instead?) she ended up going to the pharmacist about getting her regular medication and then off to her GPs as she though the pharmacist wasn't doing what she wanted them to do. I assume there was some sort of stand off at the GP as they contacted my brother about it. Anyway today we've trekked back and forth between GP and pharmacist and got things sorted. It all seems down to mum panicking about not having enough blood pressure tablets for when she goes to my brother's for Christmas, Mum has just phoned now to say her friend has gone off to her prescription. So phew. But she didn't really remember about last Thursday and certainly didn't know that the surgery had made an appointment for her with her GP for Friday, which I've changed to a day I can go.
Mum seems to be getting more and more confused about time. She told me today that she'd like a supermarket home delivery next week. I've just told her I've done it and she is cross with me as 'we're going away' Yes, but not to the 23rd! Add in her telling me I'm bossy, that I treat her like a child etc. etc and it was not a happy visit. I must do better at compassionate communication, tricky when you are actually trying to sort something out,

 

[try again]

Oh the bossy word! Thankfully after a few times it doesn't hurt so much.

I have backed off from my mum for a few days. Last saw her Friday. We do speak every day briefly when I phone her. Hoping not to visit until Thursday when memory man is due a visit.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @try again , I'm backing off too until next Wednesday if I can too. Mum phoned several times later yesterday afternoon to tell me among other things that the prescription for her blood pressure tablets was ready and that her friend had gone to get them. So far so good. Then this morning I come down to a note left by my husband. Mum had phoned early because the tablets have gone missing, presumably 'stolen' by her neighbours. I'm not phoning back and ignoring the phone until I feel I can talk to her without losing my temper.

 

[Sirena]

My mother got very confused about time, even before she had carers in it was meaningless to say (for example) we were coming round tomorrow. She'd either ring back ten minutes later and ask why we hadn't arrived (or to ask for a reminder what was happening when), or she would immediately forget about it. So we rang a few minutes beforehand, making sure to choose a time when she'd be in. There comes a point in dementia world when the only time is 'now'. Talking about events in the future just provokes anxiety.

 

[Sarasa]

We're at a bit of an impasse. I took mum to see her GP yesterday as suggested by the memory clinic. Mum spent fifteen minutes telling him all the things the neighbours 'do'. She is refusing to go to the memory clinic and I don't want risperidone prescribed for her as she is getting muddled enough as it is with the blood pressure pills she takes. Add in the possible side effects and the fact that mum has no regular help coming in, and would probably refuse entry to any set up and that seems a risky strategy. The doctor's suggestion was a Social Services assessment. I'd have the same problem about getting them round, but could probably do it if didn't tell her in advance. Not sure if it would be of any use, we're hoping to move mum soon out of her borough to nearer my brother so it would only be for a limited time. Then we'd have the problem of mum accepting help. As she told the doctor she has no memory problems and if it wasn't for the neighbours coming in and moving her stuff she'd be fine.

 

[Rosettastone57]

We're at a bit of an impasse. I took mum to see her GP yesterday as suggested by the memory clinic. Mum spent fifteen minutes telling him all the things the neighbours 'do'. She is refusing to go to the memory clinic and I don't want risperidone prescribed for her as she is getting muddled enough as it is with the blood pressure pills she takes. Add in the possible side effects and the fact that mum has no regular help coming in, and would probably refuse entry to any set up and that seems a risky strategy. The doctor's suggestion was a Social Services assessment. I'd have the same problem about getting them round, but could probably do it if didn't tell her in advance. Not sure if it would be of any use, we're hoping to move mum soon out of her borough to nearer my brother so it would only be for a limited time. Then we'd have the problem of mum accepting help. As she told the doctor she has no memory problems and if it wasn't for the neighbours coming in and moving her stuff she'd be fine.

I'm not sure I can offer any more advice. I absolutely feel for you. It's such a frustrating situation

 

[Sarasa]

Well we survived Christmas. We had a full house at my brothers. Brother, sister-in law, their nine year old, big dog and SilL's sister, my husband, adult son and I plus mum. Mum had invited herself there in about July and was looking forward to it. I think she enjoyed herself, though she was grumpy most of the time as things weren't exactly how she wanted them and had a couple of meltdowns when my brother was accused of trying to freeze her by not having the heating on. It was boiling, the rest of us had run out of thin things to wear while mum was in several layers with a rug wrapped round her.
It was obvious that she can't really join in conversation anymore. She talked more or less non stop but it was just various stories we've all heard before muddled together. She wasn't sure who we all were, though that may have partly been to her poor eyesight. All the men in the party were interchangeable and my poor son got the story about how she had given birth to him. She also seemed to think SiL and her sister were the hired help, and kept on talking about the 'lovely ladies'. She also referred to me in the third person when she was talking to me and seems to have forgotten my husband's name entirely.
We took her back safely yesterday, and I think convinced her the neighbours hadn't been in while she was away. While at my brother's she'd spent ages looking for a bag. It wasn't important, she had the things that are normally in it with her, and I think I convinced her she must have not brought it with her. On her return it was where she usually keeps it. Her explanation 'The neighbours must have taken it, and brought it back, because they know where I leave it.' ????
It is obvious that a crisis will happen soon. We are still no further with moving her near my brothers, and I'm getting concerned about the place we want to move her to as they seem to be offering less and less care and I think there is a buy-out or similar in the offing. Mum still thinks she is fine, and until something happens it seems pointless to try and chase up memory clinic appointments etc.

 

[Sosad]

Well we survived Christmas. We had a full house at my brothers. Brother, sister-in law, their nine year old, big dog and SilL's sister, my husband, adult son and I plus mum. Mum had invited herself there in about July and was looking forward to it. I think she enjoyed herself, though she was grumpy most of the time as things weren't exactly how she wanted them and had a couple of meltdowns when my brother was accused of trying to freeze her by not having the heating on. It was boiling, the rest of us had run out of thin things to wear while mum was in several layers with a rug wrapped round her.
It was obvious that she can't really enjoy in conversation anymore. She talked more or less non stop but it was just various stories we've all heard before muddled together. She wasn't sure who we all were, though that may have partly been to her poor eyesight. All the men in the party were interchangeable and my poor son got the story about how she had given birth to him. She also seemed to think SiL and her sister were the hired help, and kept on talking about the 'lovely ladies'. She also referred to me in the third person when she was talking to me and seems to have forgotten my husband's name entirely.
We took her back safely yesterday, and I think convinced her the neighbours hadn't been in while she was away. While at my brother's she'd spent ages looking for a bag. It wasn't important, she had the things that are normally in it with her, and I think I convinced her she must have not brought it with her. On her return it was where she usually keeps it. Her explanation 'The neighbours must have taken it, and brought it back, because they know where I leave it.' ????
It is obvious that a crisis will happen soon. We are still no further with moving her near my brothers, and I'm getting concerned about the place we want to move her to as they seem to be offering less and less care and I think there is a buy-out or similar in the offing. Mum still thinks she is fine, and until something happens it seems pointless to try and chase up memory clinic appointments etc.

Morning Sarasa
Such a difficult situation- I admire you for having your mum to stay for Christmas I'm afraid after much deliberating I didn't, I stayed with her at her home for three days and drove back to my home 120 miles away at lunchtime on Christmas Day. Last year had been too hard. I console myself with the fact she would have been sad when I took her back after a stay as she was when I drove away on Christmas Day. Hopefully all forgotten now. We too have the temperature problem and the tv on maximum with no thought for anyone else. My mum of years ago would have hated to see herself now, it's all so miserable. We too are contemplating moving mum to our annexe, however she says she's not keen. Whatever we do is not going to make her happy, so I wait for that crisis almost longing for some one else to take the decisions. Hoping this emotional time of year over soon,. Thinking of you and thanking you for posting. Similar situations do help. Regards morg

 

[Sirena]

From the way you describe your mother now, I wonder if extra care housing is the right thing for her, it sounds like events are overtaking you and by the time she gets there, it won't be enough. I know when you checked out care homes in the autumn you were concerned about other residents seeming 'worse' or older than her, but by the time you manage to get her there, this may well not be the case. My mother has been in a care home since February, and when she moved there I thought the other residents seemed 'worse' than her, but it soon became apparent that was not the case - and she has definitely deteriorated in the last ten months too.

 

[Sarasa]

@Sosad I think not moving your mum from home was wise. Mum would have coped a lot better in her own home. She doesn't have room to have more than one person stay, but we live close enough that we could have popped over for lunch. Trouble is that as well as not thinking she has memory problems my mum thinks she still enjoys big social occasions. She'd always have been the person wanting all the attention, but at least her stories used to make sense and could be very funny.
@Sirena, I tried to discuss the care home option with my brother and sister in law. It was tricky to have a serious conversation as if mum wasn't around their nine year old was and I don't think we want him worrying too much about his grandma. I did gather that my brother is a bit concerned about the costs as he thinks (probably with good reason) that mum could outlive her money.

 

[Sarasa]

Latest update. Mum phoned the police again (!) yesterday because the neighbours had stolen her keys. Of course after she'd done that she found them in the bathroom. She is convinced the neighbours took them and then brought them back, but she did phone the police to say she'd found them. They sent some one round to see her anyway, I guess a community police officer. The PC listened told mum the neighbours weren't committing hate crimes, and suggested the best thing to do was to stay calm when such things happened. She also asked if mum had a good relationship with her children. I guess she was concerned mum had no one looking after her. I am hoping this visit gets referred to social services or the memory clinic and when they phone me I'll see what they suggest. I do wonder if a social services assessment might help us on the extra care/care home dilemma.
At present mum is still declining steadily. Her memory is getting worse and both me and one of mums friends had to go hunting for her down the High Street on separate occasions recently when she decided we weren't coming and took herself out for a coffee instead. Fortunately both of us know that if she isn't at home she'll be in the Mark's café!
Sister in law is visiting today to make sure mum is out of the way when we have someone viewing the flat. Apparently she's been hijacking the viewings to tell prospective buyers her life history, and as we want her flat sold asap heling out the estate agents seems a high priority at present.