Christmas

AliceA

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May 27, 2016
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Some may, just ask and see. They may even find it a help. Let is know. X
 

Sirena

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Feb 27, 2018
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Meanwhile does anyone here think that dad's care home would except five extra guests on xmas day

My friend had Christmas lunch at her mother's care home last year - she had to tell them in advance and pay for her meal. I'm sure each CH has different rules, ask and see what they say.
 

Jale

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Jul 9, 2018
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Have found out today that we can have Christmas dinner with mum (we would have to pay of course) - so could be 2 (or 3 if brother decides to go). Now in a quandary because I'm not sure that hubby would want to do that, he has been an absolute rock all the way and without his support I don't think I would have got through all the ups and many downs of the last few years. He has done more for my mum than her own son and I know if I said I wanted to have dinner at the home he would agree but oh I hate making decisions like this
 

Autumn16

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Feb 7, 2016
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I know it's early but I'm worrying about how I deal with the logistics of seeing my family and Mum in the care home
Obviously I want Mum to be with us in our home but I don't think taking her out of the home will be a good idea.
What do you do? And if it's your first Christmas like me, what are you planning?

The first Christmas after my mother moved into a CH she came to my house for lunch. At that time she was mobile and could feed herself without supervision. She wasn't keen on going back to CH that Christmas Day but after I explained the benefits of being in CH, she reluctantly went back. Her memory was poor enough even then that she had forgotten the details of the day before we reached CH so it was no problem to leave her. I did the same last year. This year, although mum is still mobile, she can only eat 'soft' food now, needs guidance to use cutlery and overall it will be much more difficult her to come to my place this year, however, my heart is telling me this could be last Christmas she will be able so I'm inclined to bring her over. However, I do plan to discuss with the CH first.
 

Baker17

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Mar 9, 2016
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My friend had Christmas lunch at her mother's care home last year - she had to tell them in advance and pay for her meal. I'm sure each CH has different rules, ask and see what they say.
The home my husband was in asked if I would like to come for Christmas lunch and there was no charge, it was lovely to eat with my husband and after that I often had breakfast or lunch with him, unfortunately not by choice, it was taken out of my hands as he was moved the invisibles complained about the half drive, seems it was too far for them, the home he is in now has protected meal times and although the social worker said she would speak to them about what I had done in the previous home it hasn’t happened, in fact the other day I was trying to persuade him to have some breakfast and he said yes WE WILL have breakfast and the Carer said you’re wife has already had breakfast. I thought this was unnecessary after all what does one slice of toast and a cuppa cost and he would have happily eaten his breakfast. In the event we ended up going out for breakfast as fortunately he is still physically fit, but I am still angry about.
 

love.dad.but..

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Jan 16, 2014
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Kent
The home my husband was in asked if I would like to come for Christmas lunch and there was no charge, it was lovely to eat with my husband and after that I often had breakfast or lunch with him, unfortunately not by choice, it was taken out of my hands as he was moved the invisibles complained about the half drive, seems it was too far for them, the home he is in now has protected meal times and although the social worker said she would speak to them about what I had done in the previous home it hasn’t happened, in fact the other day I was trying to persuade him to have some breakfast and he said yes WE WILL have breakfast and the Carer said you’re wife has already had breakfast. I thought this was unnecessary after all what does one slice of toast and a cuppa cost and he would have happily eaten his breakfast. In the event we ended up going out for breakfast as fortunately he is still physically fit, but I am still angry about.
Dad became a reluctant eater in his NH but retained his politeness in the way of offering me his food. To try to get him to eat I would sometimes have a little to eat myself or take something in leading from example and prompt. It's very short sighted of your OH care home not to encourage your involvement and the protected meal time strategy is misplaced and ridiculous in my view in a care home for residents with dementia. Hospitals with patients with mental capacity fine...but not pwd who need every encouragement and input from their loved ones should be welcomed not dismissed. What a shame the invisibles were able to bring about a move.
 

AllyB65

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Nov 10, 2018
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Hi everyone, first time here. My 90 year old mam has vascular dementia and has lived in a care home for three years now. I am one of four daughters who over the years, before the care home, have taken it in turns to have mam at ours for Christmas Day. This year will be her third Christmas and we know because of her deterioration, she will not be able to come home. Last year she came to mine where I live with my husband and two teenage sons. We arranged to have our dinner spread out over the afternoon so that she wasn't overwhelmed to having several courses put down to her. Also, in between courses, some of her other daughters visited the house and she got to open her presents with them, again spread out over several hours. We could see she was getting tired by late afternoon so decided to her take her back straight after her pud - which she loved. This year I really don't know how we are going to work it. She doesn't like leaving the care home now and if she does tends to ask to return after about an hour. It's also my son's 18th on Christmas Day and I'm torn with making sure she is alright but making his day special too.
 

AliceA

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May 27, 2016
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It seems a counter productive policy. It would encourage him to eat and be contented. Have you tried to ask directly. You could offer to pay, you probably wouldn't have to as it would throw out the accounting system!
It was a shame he had to move.
Of course protected meals can be very important, a friend got around that by volunteering to do it regularly. This meant she slipped into the homes routine.
Good luck.
 

Baker17

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Mar 9, 2016
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It seems a counter productive policy. It would encourage him to eat and be contented. Have you tried to ask directly. You could offer to pay, you probably wouldn't have to as it would throw out the accounting system!
It was a shame he had to move.
Of course protected meals can be very important, a friend got around that by volunteering to do it regularly. This meant she slipped into the homes routine.
Good luck.
Unfortunately I’m not the most popular visitor at the moment because in the first three weeks I raised three serious safeguarding issues reported to SS and was told that the staff find me difficult and are wary of me, if they’d being doing their jobs correctly they wouldn’t have to be wary of me, so don’t think I’ll be getting an invite for Christmas or any meal!!!
 

jugglingmum

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Jan 5, 2014
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Chester
It's also my son's 18th on Christmas Day and I'm torn with making sure she is alright but making his day special too.


This is a very hard one. My daughter is 18 shortly (alcoholic parties with school friends who are a few months older already in full swing:rolleyes:). I would speak to your son and ask. He might want adored grandma to spend Christmas like she always has, or he might feel that he has lost a big chunk of his teenage years to the care of grandma. It probably also depends on how you have approached the combined Christmas and birthday conundrum in the past as well.

Also does he want a party with his mates at some stage? and a family party?

I had my mum at my house for too long the first year she was in her sheltered extra care flat (not yet in a home) and I am conscious that she gets tired and I need to take her back before she is too tired.

If you do want your mum to come for an hour, what about opening presents with her mid morning and taking her back to have Christmas dinner at the care home, then you can decide how the day is played out as Christmas and 18th rolled into one.
 

lemonbalm

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May 21, 2018
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I know it's early but I'm worrying about how I deal with the logistics of seeing my family and Mum in the care home
Obviously I want Mum to be with us in our home but I don't think taking her out of the home will be a good idea.
What do you do? And if it's your first Christmas like me, what are you planning?

Last year was my mum’s first in a care home and I planned to bring her to our house for a few hours but I must admit was frantically nervous about it. In the end, my husband was ill anyway, so I visited mum in the morning with presents instead. When I explained that we couldn’t have Christmas Day at our house after all, the thing which really upset her about it was that she wouldn’t be seeing her mother (who died over 50 years ago). It would have been so confusing and distressing for her (and us) if she had come. This year I plan to visit mum at the care home, armed with some of those kind lies that we need to tell so often. So much depends on the person, how they are on the day, the care home, the rest of the family, you can only do what you think is right and hope for the best.
 

yak55

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Jun 15, 2015
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Last year was my mum’s first in a care home and I planned to bring her to our house for a few hours but I must admit was frantically nervous about it. In the end, my husband was ill anyway, so I visited mum in the morning with presents instead. When I explained that we couldn’t have Christmas Day at our house after all, the thing which really upset her about it was that she wouldn’t be seeing her mother (who died over 50 years ago). It would have been so confusing and distressing for her (and us) if she had come. This year I plan to visit mum at the care home, armed with some of those kind lies that we need to tell so often. So much depends on the person, how they are on the day, the care home, the rest of the family, you can only do what you think is right and hope for the best.
Thank you lemonbalm after lots of thought and soul searching we now have a plan. My sister will visit Mum Christmas Day and I will visit Boxing Day, as you say the thought of bringing her home fills me me terrible anxiety although I will miss her so much as in my 63 years I've never not had Christmas with Mum and Dad (rip). The whole thing about the disease and Mum being in a care home has made me more of an anxious, nervous person than I already was x
 

AliceA

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May 27, 2016
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I am so pleased that you have a plan sorted out. It sounds a really good one. Best for your Mum too. My parents reach a stage long before final illnesses that family Christmases were just too much. Even though I had given them a room to retire too. Sometimes just the hassle of changing routine and environment is too much.
Now your Mum is settled it would be good not to confuse her.

Christmas celebrations do alter with all ages, we used to be generous with a full house, open days for neighbours, dinners and parties spread into January. Now I am just buying a few tasty treats for my beloved, short visits from family, planning the best TV watching and reminiscing. May buy a DVD.

So may I wish you a very happy loving Christmas. Xxx
 

bettik

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May 11, 2016
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It's been really helpful reading all these personal experiences, thank you to everyone for sharing them. This is my first time on here and first Christmas coming up for mum in dementia nursing care. My sister and I are dreading it as mum won't be able to come home but is still aware enough to want to come home so it's going to be very difficult to explain and for her to understand. She's not really settled in the NH and wants to come home all the time so it's going to be a tough day I think. We're going to visit her over a couple of days so hopefully that will help!
 

Mcrampsie

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Sep 17, 2016
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Thanks to all who contributed above. Its helped me to think about how to manage my first Christmas without my partner. She talks pretty much every day about going home "my real home" but I think the reality is that it would be too upsetting for her when she had to go back to the Care Home, even if she coped with the steps and being home for a while. It would also be very distressing & difficult for me. Its prompted me to ask the Home - who are very good at celebrating all sorts of events - what their plans are and how I can contribute.
 

Princess RF

Registered User
Dec 14, 2017
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I am thinking about Christmas too.This will be my sister's fourth Christmas in the Home. We made a mistake the first Christmas (when she was less confused) and we - and her friends - didn’t spend Christmas Day with her. She was tremendously distressed because most of her friends among the residents were taken out and she was left behind. The second and third years we took her to a big hotel for Christmas Day lunch. It was very successful the first time, but she was very anxious to get back to the Home the second time. Since then, she has become incontinent and is in a wheel chair. So this year we will be visiting her at the Home on the three days of Christmas. We will take guidance from the Care Staff as to how long we stay. Hoping to make her feel special but not exhausted!
 

canary

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Feb 25, 2014
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South coast
Hello @bettik and @Princess RF
This desire to "go home" is almost universal in dementia, but please be aware that they may not be talking about the place that they moved from - many people with dementia say they want to go home when they are actually sitting in their own homes! Dont feel guilty that you cannot take them home. If you talk to them about their "home" you may find that it is a childhood home, or even a fantasy place and has people who are long dead living there. My mum wanted to "go home" to her childhood home that was bombed in the war where her parents and siblings (all long dead) were waiting for her. It seems to represent a state of mind rather than an actual place, represents the desire to go to a place and/or time that they understand and to escape the confusions of dementia.
 

Princess RF

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Dec 14, 2017
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For my FiL's first Christmas in his care home, we brought him home to us for two nights - it was a 2 hour drive away. The CH had advised against it, but we'd blithely thought he'd enjoy it, since he always had before.

It was a bad mistake. He was anxious and fretful for a lot of the time - having lived with us before, he'd started to think it was his own house and he ought to be doing this job or that. For the first time, he also started asking where MiL (dead 10 years) was.
We never repeated it. As the CH had advised, we left him where he was, in his safe, familiar routine.

When it came to my mother, several years later, the home was just a short drive away, but after the experience with FiL, we never tried bringing her here. To be honest, she never had a clue that it was Christmas anyway, despite the CH's lovely decorations. Even for a year or two before she went into the CH, she had very little idea, and could not cope with more than one or two extra people, or extra noise and fuss.

We would just visit in the morning, taking her presents - which by then she could usually barely be bothered to open, though having said that, soft chocolates and jellies still went down very well!
P
 

Princess RF

Registered User
Dec 14, 2017
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Hello @bettik and @Princess RF
This desire to "go home" is almost universal in dementia, but please be aware that they may not be talking about the place that they moved from - many people with dementia say they want to go home when they are actually sitting in their own homes! Dont feel guilty that you cannot take them home. If you talk to them about their "home" you may find that it is a childhood home, or even a fantasy place and has people who are long dead living there. My mum wanted to "go home" to her childhood home that was bombed in the war where her parents and siblings (all long dead) were waiting for her. It seems to represent a state of mind rather than an actual place, represents the desire to go to a place and/or time that they understand and to escape the confusions of dementia.
This was wanting to go to the Home.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
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South coast
Oops, Ive replied to the wrong person @Princess RF - sorry. It was lovely to hear about the way your mum was able to go to a hotel for dinner even though it is no longer possible for you and her. Im sure you will be able to work something out this year.

My previous post was actually aimed at bettik and @Mcrampsie