Moving my father back to his home?

LaLa72

New member
Nov 15, 2018
3
0
My father is particularly anxious. I had thought that he was anxious because his dementia meant he struggled getting through simple tasks / daily living.
His home is 200 miles away from where I live. He had care four times a day and I went every other weekend and was always on call.
The combination of these two factors made me feel that being in a care home near me might be better for both of us (I am an only chid and my mother died 3 years ago).
He has settled in very badly, is far more anxious and his dementia has deteriorated markedly. I now think that anxiety is how his dementia manifests itself. He's always going to be anxious and this is stressful for him.
My mission is therefore how to make him least distressed. I am thinking of moving him back to his home where he lived for 50 years (he's been in the home for two months). He'd have almost constant care, with someone sleeping overnight.
I wondered if anyone had had any experience of moving someone into a care home and then moving them back home and what they could share on this experience. Thank you to anyone that responds.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Hello @LaLa72, welcome to the forum

I'm sure our experienced and knowledgeable membership will be able to help with your query.

I don't have experience of this situation but my wife does suffer terribly with anxiety as well as her dementia so I empathise with your situation. I have found that medication has been useful in my wife's case so a chat with your father's GP may help. I also know from past threads that people can react badly to being moved and take quite a while to settle.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hello @LaLa72 and welcome to talking Point.

Its always like that when someone first goes into a care home - it usually takes them a couple of months to settle in. When you say that his dementia has got worse I suspect that what is happening is that you are seeing the true extent of his dementia that you didnt know about because he was able to hide it at his home.

I wouldn t be too quick to take him back home - live in care (especially at night) is very expensive and isnt covered by local authority payments - it can eat up your finances remarkably quickly, people let you down at the last minute and you will be trying to administer it all from 200 miles away! Also your dad will only continue to deteriorate - far better to get him settled in a care home at a stage where he can learn routines and develop connections to the staff. My mum had become quite paranoid at home, but once she settled in her care home she became much less anxious because she was no longer having to try and fit into a "normal" life at her home. Is the care home at all concerned, or are they taking it all in their stride?
 

LaLa72

New member
Nov 15, 2018
3
0
Hello @LaLa72 and welcome to talking Point.

Its always like that when someone first goes into a care home - it usually takes them a couple of months to settle in. When you say that his dementia has got worse I suspect that what is happening is that you are seeing the true extent of his dementia that you didnt know about because he was able to hide it at his home.

I wouldn t be too quick to take him back home - live in care (especially at night) is very expensive and isnt covered by local authority payments - it can eat up your finances remarkably quickly, people let you down at the last minute and you will be trying to administer it all from 200 miles away! Also your dad will only continue to deteriorate - far better to get him settled in a care home at a stage where he can learn routines and develop connections to the staff. My mum had become quite paranoid at home, but once she settled in her care home she became much less anxious because she was no longer having to try and fit into a "normal" life at her home. Is the care home at all concerned, or are they taking it all in their stride?

The care home are definitely taking it in their stride. It's just so hard to see him so distressed. I'm also going to try taking him to my flat every so often for the night as a bit of half way house familiarity, hopefully that might make this less awful. Care in home or in the care home is the same cost, so he could afford it. So hard. Thank you so much for responding.
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
My opinion is that taking him to your home every so often would not be a good thing. as he settles in the care home he will get used to the people and the routine.why move him, and hence unsettle him each time?
 

Canadian Joanne

Registered User
Apr 8, 2005
17,710
0
70
Toronto, Canada
Its always like that when someone first goes into a care home - it usually takes them a couple of months to settle in. When you say that his dementia has got worse I suspect that what is happening is that you are seeing the true extent of his dementia that you didnt know about because he was able to hide it at his home./QUOTE]

@LaLa72 this comment by canary is so very true. It took my mother SIX months to start settling in so a couple of months is still early days, in my opinion. And a move to anywhere, not just a care home, cruelly shows up the person's losses to dementia.

I also do not think taking him to your flat for the night will help and it may actually make it harder and longer for him to settle. I know how very hard it is to see your father like this but if you are happy with the home, just give it a lot more time
 
Last edited:

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
321
0
Hello @LaLa72 I am going through the same experience with my mum, and also wonder if she would be less anxious in her own home. The problem is that she had started getting anxiety when she was at home. It meant she rejected carers coming in, and just couldn't bare to be in the house. Do consider how you would deal with that situation. If your dad refused care at home, what would you do? At least there is a team of people in the home to deal with the behaviour.
I do sympathise, my mum has now had to have a DOLS and is on strong tranquilisers, her mobility is worse, she's dreadfully unhappy at times. She's thrown a book at a carer , banged on all the doors shouting fire! (to escape!) and laid down on the floor in the doorway shouting she would rather die than stay there. I feel desperate sometimes and want to bring her home.
On the other hand, the carers are constantly coming up with new plans, and I saw photos of her enjoying a meal out with one of her carers yesterday! I go every third day, and we get out and have a nice time. Some days we sit and knit. I'm going to hold out and hope that in six months time she will have got used to it. They are going to put her on metazapine (an antidepressant) rather than lorazepam, hopefully that will help. Their policy is to keep adjusting their approach until she settles. They are also buddying her up with one manager and two other staff members to try and build up relationships in the home. And involving her in housework activities which she seems to like. Good luck, do let us know how it goes.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I'm also going to try taking him to my flat every so often for the night as a bit of half way house familiarity, hopefully that might make this less awful.
This is the sort of thing that sounds like a good idea, but actually will make things worse.
People with dementia need routine and constantly moving him from home to home will make him more anxious and unsettled, not less. I didnt take my mum out of her care home at all until she had settled so as not to disrupt her routine. Once she had settled I used to take her to garden centres, cafes and walks at the park and along the seafront, but not until she was settled. It also helps if you dont visit too long or too often. Helping them settle by seeing a familiar face is another of those things that sounds like a good idea, but is actually counterproductive. They need to adapt to looking to the carers for their needs.
 

Anneliz5

New member
Dec 12, 2018
4
0
People with dementia need routine and constantly moving him from home to home will make him more anxious and unsettled, not less. It also helps if you dont visit too long or too often. Helping them settle by seeing a familiar face is another of those things that sounds like a good idea, but is actually counterproductive. They need to adapt to looking to the carers for their needs.

Thank you Canary,
I am in that situation now. My Mum has been in a care home for a week and a half. I feel guilty as she does not seem happy and I have only visited her twice. Relations are suggesting that she would be better back at home and have asked me to look at 24 hour live-in care. I'm the one who has looked after Mum since 2012 when she really started to need help in her own home. I was there when my Dad died from progressive dementia in Jan 2018, have stayed with my Mum on and off during 2018 and ended up living with her for 4 months before she got ill and went into hospital. Relations don't live in this country. I want to do the best thing for my Mum but don't have much time to decide what that is as the house will need to be sold to cover her care costs.
 

Goldie Girl

Registered User
Oct 20, 2018
40
0
West Midlands
Hello @LaLa72 I am going through the same experience with my mum, and also wonder if she would be less anxious in her own home. The problem is that she had started getting anxiety when she was at home. It meant she rejected carers coming in, and just couldn't bare to be in the house. Do consider how you would deal with that situation. If your dad refused care at home, what would you do? At least there is a team of people in the home to deal with the behaviour.
I do sympathise, my mum has now had to have a DOLS and is on strong tranquilisers, her mobility is worse, she's dreadfully unhappy at times. She's thrown a book at a carer , banged on all the doors shouting fire! (to escape!) and laid down on the floor in the doorway shouting she would rather die than stay there. I feel desperate sometimes and want to bring her home.
On the other hand, the carers are constantly coming up with new plans, and I saw photos of her enjoying a meal out with one of her carers yesterday! I go every third day, and we get out and have a nice time. Some days we sit and knit. I'm going to hold out and hope that in six months time she will have got used to it. They are going to put her on metazapine (an antidepressant) rather than lorazepam, hopefully that will help. Their policy is to keep adjusting their approach until she settles. They are also buddying her up with one manager and two other staff members to try and build up relationships in the home. And involving her in housework activities which she seems to like. Good luck, do let us know how it goes.
Hello Norfolk Cherry I was feeling I was on my own with Mum's behaviour she too has Dols in place but her care home struggled to cope with her and now she is in a Elderly Mental Health Hospital and homes are refusing to take her. I have read several posts about similar issues as ours it helps to know we are not alone try and think you are doing your best for her that's all you can do.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hello @Anneliz5
These early stages are horrible. Your mum is still at the very early stages of having moved to a care home - please give it time.
It also doesnt help that your relatives, who wont have any idea of the practicalities, are coming up with unworkable suggestions. If you are having to sell her home to pay for the care home (I had to do that too) then you will not be able to afford live in care - they cost about the same, but your mum needs somewhere to live. It also wont work forever - eventually the dementia will mean that your mum will have needs that one person will not be able to meet.

Another point to remember is that sometimes we cannot make them happy whatever we do and wherever they live - the unhappiness is internal and due to the dementia. We cant change that. I know we all want out relative to be happy, safe and looked after, but sometime the best is 2 out of 3.
 

LaLa72

New member
Nov 15, 2018
3
0
Thank you Canary,
I am in that situation now. My Mum has been in a care home for a week and a half. I feel guilty as she does not seem happy and I have only visited her twice. Relations are suggesting that she would be better back at home and have asked me to look at 24 hour live-in care. I'm the one who has looked after Mum since 2012 when she really started to need help in her own home. I was there when my Dad died from progressive dementia in Jan 2018, have stayed with my Mum on and off during 2018 and ended up living with her for 4 months before she got ill and went into hospital. Relations don't live in this country. I want to do the best thing for my Mum but don't have much time to decide what that is as the house will need to be sold to cover her care costs.

@Anneliz5 I think you have to think of yourself too. That sounds like you would be giving up your life and I am not sure that your mother without dementia would want that. I'd find out more about live in care and how much you would be needed, if they really do do the lion's share of the care, then maybe but if you're still on 24 hour call, then I think that's too much. Do not let anyone that is not here and not involved make you feel guilty about not moving your mum back home. Good luck and stay strong, you are not alone, we are all having these feelings.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
0
@Anneliz5 I moved my mother to a care home in February. She had previously had 6 hours care at home every day (self funded) but she got to the point of needing 24 hour supervision. 24/7 care at home would have been much more expensive because as well as care costs you have to add all the living expenses and bills (and in my mother's case, rent too).

She was very unsettled at the care home for a few weeks, but it was never an option to move her back home because I'd given the keys back to her landlord. In a way that lack of options helped, I just had to wait it out. After a few weeks she settled in and now often tells me she loves it there, and she always seems happy.

I suspect part of the reason relatives are quick to suggest removing her from the care home is because many of us have a natural antipathy to the whole idea of care homes and they think she would surely be better off at home. But they know little about her care and a care home may well be the best option for her. It's very early days, give her time to settle.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,839
0
My father is particularly anxious. I had thought that he was anxious because his dementia meant he struggled getting through simple tasks / daily living.
His home is 200 miles away from where I live. He had care four times a day and I went every other weekend and was always on call.
The combination of these two factors made me feel that being in a care home near me might be better for both of us (I am an only chid and my mother died 3 years ago).
He has settled in very badly, is far more anxious and his dementia has deteriorated markedly. I now think that anxiety is how his dementia manifests itself. He's always going to be anxious and this is stressful for him.
My mission is therefore how to make him least distressed. I am thinking of moving him back to his home where he lived for 50 years (he's been in the home for two months). He'd have almost constant care, with someone sleeping overnight.
I wondered if anyone had had any experience of moving someone into a care home and then moving them back home and what they could share on this experience. Thank you to anyone that responds.

When my mother-in-law first went into her care home back in the summer the care home staff suggested that we were not to visit for at least a week ,so that she could settle and as other posters have said look to the new carers for her every need. In fact we didn't visit for about 10 days and thereafter we only visited once a week and only for a short period of time . By that time my mother-in-law has lost all sense of time anyway and after a week without us she genuinely thought that we hadn't visited for over a year. She was constantly asking to go home, constantly suggesting that the carers didn't do enough ,constantly suggesting that the carers were keeping her there against her will. We just ignored all this because we knew if she had ever gone home at that point she would simply not be able to cope and we would have been in the same position as we were before.

You may think that you are being kind keep taking him out of the care home but to be blunt it's absolutely not working and it's counterproductive
 

Forum statistics

Threads
138,113
Messages
1,993,104
Members
89,777
Latest member
HollyK