Mum struggling to comprehend dad's death

[Joy1960]

Hi everyone..
I'm new to the site but hopefully will gain some valuable info and advice from members.
My mum was diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer's in June 2018..
My dad was her main carer but unfortunately he died last night andmum is now obviously struggling to comprehend his death.
She will ask where he is and then when we explain that he has died it's like the first time she's hearing it.
Would appreciate any advice on how to try to handle this as it's very distressing for her and my hubby and I.
Thanks in anticipation

 

[nellbelles]

Hello @Joy1960

Firstly can I offer my condolences on your sad loss..

All I can suggest is distraction techniques as you are quite right repeating the news will be very distressing for your Mum.
Hopefully someone who has more experience than me will offer some support for you.
Now you have found us please keep posting so we can support you at this difficult time

 

[love.dad.but..]

I am sorry that your dad has died and this has thrown you in at the deep end with trying to help your AS mum with her grief. My mum died suddenly and this is the way we tried to help dad. Without knowing exactly how your mum reacts and if it is consistent it is such a hard time for you trying to grieve and your mum who can't make sense of anything. I agree that repeating the information is as though she has heard it for the first time and risks upset but in our circumstances dad was alone with mum's body overnight so we couldn't be sure how much he understood of the events...we know from his incoherent rambles he tried cpr on her back...we found him sitting in the car in the morning... so we felt with dad in the following few days and up until the funeral it was better for him through our tears I must admit... to gently reply honestly to help him in his obvious grief when he had few moments of clarity in his moderate stage but be led by dad so if he asked where she was but wasn't distressed so didn't equate with her having died we would answer ' not sure dad or she may be back later'...then depending on his reaction take it from there. It was a horrible rollercoaster dedperately sad and distressing for dad and we 3 sisters...and we sometimes had to change answer half way through our reply if he reacted. The funeral 3 weeks later pretty much passed dad by...but dad's reaction from distressing tears to saying 'I feel sorry for who is in the box'! Once the funeral passed and dad had noticeably declined due to the shock and trauma we started to change our replies to a consistent 'she may be shopping or not sure dad but she will be back later' as although he repeatedly asked he could not remember our replies or the event of mum's death he just knew something had changed and was missing but couldn't make sense of what.That month was one of the hardest I ever had to go through but over the following months it eased and I send best wishes to you. I felt I had lost both parents at the same time.

 

[itsmeagain]

Sorry for your bereavement Joy.
The two replies above have said it all really. Answer as she presents, it will vary, but sadly she will never understand the events .

 

[Joy1960]

Thanks for all your replies..it really is a day to day scenario with mum still asking where dad has gone and then realising later that he has died.
She's asking when the funeral is even though I've written it down for her and she has too.
Another week to go for the funeral and tbh it can't come soon enough,although I guess testing times will be in the pipeline.