My husband's mother has Vascular Dementia. Her attention span is very short and she often has trouble knowing who all her Grandchildren are, so at times like Christmas when extended family arrive she is normally quite withdrawn in large gatherings. We've observed this on a number of occasions and try to make sure we go in smaller groups and try to keep her involved in the conversation. However, her daughter is one for grand family occasions and has organised a large 'do' on Dec 23rd, with many extended relatives. Seeing how out of depth my Mother-in-law is in these situations, especially around that side of the family who she really only sees once a year (and who barely interact with her) does anyone here have any advice how to handle the situation? We feel the overcrowding makes her anxious, she seems worried and can't follow conversations so we have decided to stay out of the way, but cannot make her daughter try to understand how unsettling it is for her. We live just a few miles from the care home and are there every week, sometimes more often. We see the aftermath of large 'visitations' - my M-i-L has no recall of what happened or who spoke to her, afterwards,. She's exhausted the day after - maybe from trying to process odd snatches of events, who knows! Husband, myself and two kids have already planned to visit her in her care home on Christmas Day and have a quiet meal with her and her sister a couple of days afterwards. Are we just being over-sensitive?
With Christmas coming, advice please on dealing with large gatherings
- Thread starter Librarymaid
- Start date
hi @Librarymaid
I am not sure from your post where this proposed 'do' is happening
if it's in the care home, I am surprised the manager has agreed to so many visitors, as this may well be disruptive for other residents - so maybe chat with the manager and ask them to talk with the daughter
if it's elsewhere, would there be a smaller, quieter room available so your husband's mother could be settled there and others could pop in only one or two at a time to say hello, and you can be onhand to see she is OK
I must admit that personally I agree with you, I would keep things low key and not take her out of her familiar routines
I am not sure from your post where this proposed 'do' is happening
if it's in the care home, I am surprised the manager has agreed to so many visitors, as this may well be disruptive for other residents - so maybe chat with the manager and ask them to talk with the daughter
if it's elsewhere, would there be a smaller, quieter room available so your husband's mother could be settled there and others could pop in only one or two at a time to say hello, and you can be onhand to see she is OK
I must admit that personally I agree with you, I would keep things low key and not take her out of her familiar routines
How far is the "do" from her care home?
Long distance, she's now unable to travel that distance.
Short distance, the home will require back after a short time, so's not to interfere to much with her routine.
Does she have a "incontinence" problem/weakness? Slight infection?
In other words what would the daughter accept as a reason for her not to attend.
Bod
Long distance, she's now unable to travel that distance.
Short distance, the home will require back after a short time, so's not to interfere to much with her routine.
Does she have a "incontinence" problem/weakness? Slight infection?
In other words what would the daughter accept as a reason for her not to attend.
Bod
My Mum can no longer cope with even medium sized gatherings. This Christmas I have no idea if she will be at a care home or still in her assisted living (long story). Either way, if she Is local I plan to visit but not take her out. I will bring something to unwrap and ensure she is safe but I cannot take her home with me this year. It will be the first Christmas ever that I have not spent the whole day with mum. She struggled last year and I think, if I'm honest , I only took her to my home with my husband to make it a 'normal' Christmas for us. Mum is much more confused now and gets distressed in unfamiliar surroundings. It would simply be cruel to put her through it.
Thank you all for your input. This year it will be held in a separate room within the care home, but 14+ people in even a largish room will make it a noisy event!
We've had this the last couple of years, at a local restaurant. We declined last year for the same reasons as this time, hoping her daughter might take the hint - but she's a GP and thinks she knows better! ( this is the woman who asked me about my brother, who is in end-stage Alzheimers: "How is he? Is he getting better?" Beggars belief!)
Thank you for your input - I feel sure we are doing the right thing by lessening the impact.
We've had this the last couple of years, at a local restaurant. We declined last year for the same reasons as this time, hoping her daughter might take the hint - but she's a GP and thinks she knows better! ( this is the woman who asked me about my brother, who is in end-stage Alzheimers: "How is he? Is he getting better?" Beggars belief!)
Thank you for your input - I feel sure we are doing the right thing by lessening the impact.
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