I'm trying to focus on the positives again, and that helps. That helped me through the dark times of mum's illness. Towards the end, however hard it got, or however desperate I felt, I always found something positive in all of it, however small, that I could focus on. I also prayed a lot, which helped me. In fact it bothers me now, as I often prayed for God to take mum so that she didn't have to suffer the dementia any more, and now I wonder if that fast decline at the end was an answer to my prayers, but because of it mum had to suffer a few days of fluid in her lungs? Silly, I know, but it bothers me. In time it will bother me less, so just have to endure it for now!
Yes, there are so many good things about mum's life and the life I had with her
@Sam Luvit, but I guess right now they are masked by the bad memories. I will just have to wait for the good stuff to fight through the bad stuff and come to the fore. I have a wonderful photo of mum on her 91st birthday, we are both smiling and in front of us is a cake that a lovely friend of mine made for us. I aim to buy a suitable frame and have that photo on display. It cheers me to look at it. Of course I will have to find a suitable pic of dad too to have on display, otherwise he would feel left out! And maybe a good one of the two of them, I have plenty, just need to find a nice one.
My Sunday walks help as you get to chat to a lot of people (most of them with problems in life too, so I am not the only one!). Also walking is so therapeutic anyway as it gives your mind time to mull things over when you are not chatting to someone. I loved it last week when I scaled a few mountain tops with my fellow walkers on the holiday. Such a sense of achievement, and when I was pushing myself up those slopes, I thought of mum, and it somehow spurred me on.
It's the aching heart that hurts most
@Tin - that's the only way I can describe it, as it does feel like my heart is literally hurting. I hate those images and memories of the horror that dementia inflicted on us - absolutely hate, hate, hate that disease. The only thing I have over it now is that it is gone from my life and it has at last left my mum alone. I did wonder if I'd want to get involved in something to do with dementia now, ie. put my experience to good use, but I don't, I just want nothing to do with it, it hurts me too much, it's a reminder of what we had to endure. I guess in some way I may have done that already - in conversations I had with people on the holiday, people who are still living with dementia and touched by it some way.
I got my nose into a good book last night, so that's a good story I'm now distracted by. I am going to reorganise a bit more stuff in the house, move some bookshelves and sort through the books. I'll need to sort through mum's clothes at some stage. I feel better now about clearing out stuff she didn't wear for years, but the stuff she wore recently will stay, can't part with that yet. Eventually I will probably whittle it down to a few bits and pieces and store them in a drawer or suitcase somewhere. I have lots of her slippers to wear out, somehow I find it comforting to wear them, and a pair of winter boots. She was roughly the same shoe size as me.
All will come good, in time. My next big, nice thing to look forward to is Christmas with my friend in Scandinavia. Her mother will be there, we used to joke about her being my 'second mum', well, she just moved up a position! My friend's father has Alzheimer's and is slowly declining, in a care home. We will go to visit him. I must think of something suitable to take as a present ...