My Husband is 85 with Vascular Dementia. My Mum died last Friday & She & my Husband were very close. Husband was in respite in hospice when Mum died. I told him on Friday & I think it has taken until today for him to process this information, has been very quiet, and only spoke about Mum today. Should I ask my Husband if He wants to see Mum in chapel of rest, or wait to see if it comes up in conversation. Husband saw his own Mum after she had died so in normal circumstances I think He would like to see my Mum. Any advice please?
Telling PWD about bereavement, advice please
- Thread starter chippiebites
- Start date
hello @chippiebites
firstly, my condolences, you yourself must be missing your mum and have many arrangements to make
I do agree with try again - you have given the sad news to your husband so he is as aware as he can be - personally, I'd take any cue from him now; if he asks, support him as you can but if he doesn't let it be - not easy for you, I appreciate, when you are grieving
firstly, my condolences, you yourself must be missing your mum and have many arrangements to make
I do agree with try again - you have given the sad news to your husband so he is as aware as he can be - personally, I'd take any cue from him now; if he asks, support him as you can but if he doesn't let it be - not easy for you, I appreciate, when you are grieving
Thank you all for your replies, I think I will just wait & see if Husband mentions seeing Mum, I hope he doesn't but I don't want him to forget that she has died. Since coming out of respite he seems a lot more confused, I don't know if that was the news about Mum, respite or general decline.
Mum's sister-in-law died recently and after much thought I decided not to tell her. I was quite bothered about it but in the end decided there was nothing too be achieved from telling her. I would upset her so much, she'd forget, then remember then forget etc. I must admit to a selfish motive which is that I just couldn't face the repetitive conversations that I know would come. An old friend of her's also died this week and I decided not to pass that on either and didn't think about it for long. It felt wrong but at the same time I feel quite firm in my mind that is what is going to happen. Mum just can't cope - we already have endless conversations about who is dead, and the list has been getting longer and longer over the years. I think it is a big step, for me a big moment of acknowledgement of how much dementia has taken from me, my mum and our relationship.
I had to go through this 2 weeks ago when my Dad died. My mum is in a home with Mixed Dementia. We took the view that we needed to allow her to be upset by the bad news, but we delivered it a way that was calm. She was very upset, but then forgot about it, and then it would come back again. If we hadn't told her, someone visiting her would have told her and that would have been wrong. We then decided not to take her to the funeral, but instead took her to see dad in the Chapel of Rest. My mother in fact didn't even mention a funeral and hasn't asked since. She still asks what happened to my dad, but seems to accept what we say. It was a difficult thing to do, but the right thing. We just felt we needed to give her the dignity of knowing that he had died, and were prepared to deal with whatever fall out there was.
Why? Wouldn't it be the kindest thing if he forgot and didn't have to grieve? Normal rules don't apply with dementia - ignorance is bliss, and love lies are told for a reason.
I don't want my Husband to forget my Mum has died because he will then keep asking me where she is. I can't cope with that. Love lies are fine but in this instance I have to think of my feelings as well.
My dad died, we took mum ( with dementia) to the hospital in the hope that she could say 'goodbye' but we were just too late.
I was beside myself- always having been daddy girl, and had sat hour after hour with him as he slipped away- she couldnt understand and got grumpy when he wouldnt say goodbye.
We tried to include her in plans for his funeral. Anything she like ?'' Cake'' was the reply.
We took her to the funeral, ''why is Leslie late. Is he still at work ? Thats soooooo rude'' ( leslie was my late father)
Got her home and in the days that followed, it was ''where is he?'' ''Just tell him to come home''
''is he at your brothers?''
Did I want her to forget that he'd died? no , not ever.
Did I want her to remember 60 years of marriage? oh yes. Instead she thought he'd gone off with Jenny ( God only knows who Jenny was/is)
Its the nature of the beast sadly.
If he's going to forget, he's going to forget, whatever you want. I've stopped telling my Mum when people die and I try not to talk about people who have. It comes as news to her every time & she's upset because for her, it's the first time she's heard the news, even when it happened a long time ago. Worse, she now remembers parts of conversations. If I tell her someone has died, all she can remember is that something terrible has happened to someone, but not what or to whom. That's really upsetting for her. I can understand you wanting him to remember her, but maybe it would be kinder to allow him to let go. To do that, you have to let go of a bit of both of them as well and that's very hard on you, but you can still understand things
