Oh goodness my OH does this! Not a tree so far but if something is wrong he will observe it with mild interest - but without feeling the slightest inclination to act, to intervene, to fix it!
Showing off!???
- Thread starter Lady M
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Morning:
Don't mean to be a pain but isn't acceptance almost like giving up. It's not in my nature to give up without a fight. I understand I have to change my personality if I want to keep the peace but WHY? Why is the most dangerous question of all for me because I can't find an answer that is acceptable.
Thanks all.
Don't mean to be a pain but isn't acceptance almost like giving up. It's not in my nature to give up without a fight. I understand I have to change my personality if I want to keep the peace but WHY? Why is the most dangerous question of all for me because I can't find an answer that is acceptable.
Thanks all.
@dancer12 I understand how you can see that acceptance is giving up but it really isn't in this case. It's not about changing your personality, it's about changing how you react to the person so that they do not get, with any luck, agitated or upset. It's a hard thing to do, I know. Myself, I'm a "Fix it" person. I fix things at work, I fix things everywhere. But I couldn't fix my mother. It was a hard and steep learning curve for me and even years on I would get frustrated and angry. But that's because I'm only human.
G
I return to Alice Walker’s words time and again - when, that is, I’m not busy singing The Battle Hymn of the Republic, under my breath, to keep myself going after yet another assault on my good nature from my now grumpy and difficult husband:
“Resistance is the secret of joy.”
May it be so - for us all.
Hello dear Dancer @dancer12. You’ve put your finger unerringly on the central issue. On my strong days, I feel absolutely determined not to let my personality be changed. If I succumb, then the dementia has won. These, I know, are fighting words. But how can we forego ANY of our hard-won, our cherished, personality traits when we have to call upon the deepest reserves of our characters in order to deal with our situation as carers?
I return to Alice Walker’s words time and again - when, that is, I’m not busy singing The Battle Hymn of the Republic, under my breath, to keep myself going after yet another assault on my good nature from my now grumpy and difficult husband:
“Resistance is the secret of joy.”
May it be so - for us all.
Thank you, that is so interesting. I found I could keep my personality a lot of the time when alone with OH but my dealings with the world became more difficult. Avoiding people I knew would ask hurtful, probing questions, so much wanting others to smile at me, just to give me something to hold on to. I became a beggar in so many ways. Never asking for anything, but badly wanting it. So a dumb beggar!
This is very interesting thread, thank you. with love, Kindred.
Perhaps empathy is last in first and first out in action.
I got really frustrated this morning, my fault. I had a lot to organise, I am going in circles over arranging transport.
I forgot the cardinal rule of asking one question/action at a time. As I said my fault as I expected too much of both of us.
The phone rung, just as I sat for a long awaited coffee break. I answered and dealt with it, then found coffee had been thrown away and cup washed. Such a small thing but it made me want to cry. He was trying to help he said as I had left it, he thought I did not want it. The fact I was on the phone was not in his picture.
We have a great grandson with high functioning Aspergers, I parallels in the logic or lack of logic.
It is funny how everything has a opposite quality. This detachment towards us is really difficult to handle. However I did some Transpersonal Psychology many years ago, the role of the detached observer was an important tool in ourselves to solve an issue. I think we all need a touch of this to get through.
That is to say realise it is not personal. It is the disease not the one with the disease.
If we keep reliving a painful situation it just hurts again and again. Who we are does not depend on outside circumstances.
Of course emotions, tiredness and the constant surprise catches us out. Well it does me.
I still feel drained out, just too many phone calls and all these tiny decisions are breaking my emotional back.
I got really frustrated this morning, my fault. I had a lot to organise, I am going in circles over arranging transport.
I forgot the cardinal rule of asking one question/action at a time. As I said my fault as I expected too much of both of us.
The phone rung, just as I sat for a long awaited coffee break. I answered and dealt with it, then found coffee had been thrown away and cup washed. Such a small thing but it made me want to cry. He was trying to help he said as I had left it, he thought I did not want it. The fact I was on the phone was not in his picture.
We have a great grandson with high functioning Aspergers, I parallels in the logic or lack of logic.
It is funny how everything has a opposite quality. This detachment towards us is really difficult to handle. However I did some Transpersonal Psychology many years ago, the role of the detached observer was an important tool in ourselves to solve an issue. I think we all need a touch of this to get through.
That is to say realise it is not personal. It is the disease not the one with the disease.
If we keep reliving a painful situation it just hurts again and again. Who we are does not depend on outside circumstances.
Of course emotions, tiredness and the constant surprise catches us out. Well it does me.
I still feel drained out, just too many phone calls and all these tiny decisions are breaking my emotional back.
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I feel acceptance is learning not to flog a dead horse expecting it to get up and dance.
It exhausts and never works. I never intend to stop fighting but choosing my battles is enabling me to stay me.
In personal situations acceptance of the reality works on a personal level, giving peace without giving in.
Some may remember we are having a problem with getting NHS hearing aids as we live on a county border. Well a top minister and the Ceo of a firm are now involved. I was invited to give an opinion on Brexit, so I mentioned the border issue and stretched it to county borders and the effect on cares regarding support and services. It will rebound I am sure to the minister as it is policy that needs changing to the post code lottery.
So I watch in a non attached way! I am sure the CEO will give a pithy reply.
It exhausts and never works. I never intend to stop fighting but choosing my battles is enabling me to stay me.
In personal situations acceptance of the reality works on a personal level, giving peace without giving in.
Some may remember we are having a problem with getting NHS hearing aids as we live on a county border. Well a top minister and the Ceo of a firm are now involved. I was invited to give an opinion on Brexit, so I mentioned the border issue and stretched it to county borders and the effect on cares regarding support and services. It will rebound I am sure to the minister as it is policy that needs changing to the post code lottery.
So I watch in a non attached way! I am sure the CEO will give a pithy reply.
Oh my goodness! Reading some of the posts to a thread I posted I have found words/ an sayings that are all new to be ! I have just goggled Anacognosia!
I have a feeling that is going to effect OH and me!
Know it is happening already! ( still waiting confirmation of LBD.
Everything I suggest is refused : because will not be needed , useful, etc when I am better.
I thought this was just a rouse now I am very concerned!!!
I have a feeling that is going to effect OH and me!
Know it is happening already! ( still waiting confirmation of LBD.
Everything I suggest is refused : because will not be needed , useful, etc when I am better.
I thought this was just a rouse now I am very concerned!!!
Hello all - I have just looked up anacognosia- I think my OH has most of the symptoms - in my head I just think "I am living with a crazy man" but of course you can't say it . But the lack of empathy, the total lack of logic and the inability to persevere - all come to mind.
However he does offer to help -
and that can have dire consequences - fixing the bikes - or checking the car is to be avoided at all costs - at present out letterbox is in pieces! I try to hide anything needing repair from view!
I find an excuse - get a handy man in when he is out !!
But I think my personality is intact - just hiding a bit behind kinder words than I feel. Sometimes I am bordering on depressed - but at others I am seeing the funny side- making up jokes about it all or - out walking the dogs !! Escape.
However he does offer to help -
and that can have dire consequences - fixing the bikes - or checking the car is to be avoided at all costs - at present out letterbox is in pieces! I try to hide anything needing repair from view! I find an excuse - get a handy man in when he is out !!
But I think my personality is intact - just hiding a bit behind kinder words than I feel. Sometimes I am bordering on depressed - but at others I am seeing the funny side- making up jokes about it all or - out walking the dogs !! Escape.
I dont think not finding an answer is giving up
In cases like this I see it as living in the moment but you're still working behind the scenes xx
No one is ever given what they need to know when they need to know it
Empathy is definitely the gods law of things like this
It comes under all sorts of diseases and disorders
It's not about acceptance it's about understanding the person and always remembering who they are xx
Empathy is definitely the gods law of things like this
It comes under all sorts of diseases and disorders
It's not about acceptance it's about understanding the person and always remembering who they are xx
I can remember just how frustrated and tearful I was that no one told me what it was all about ! I relied as others on google and happily found TP.
I have offered since to talk with those newly afflicted but because of privacy laws - it’s not possible. But because of TP I can see how much it helps to share and understand !!
I have offered since to talk with those newly afflicted but because of privacy laws - it’s not possible. But because of TP I can see how much it helps to share and understand !!
What if I don't like who he has become and see none of the qualities I loved. I can remember the man I married and all the qualities I loved however the person he has become is standing in front of me day after day after day
Unfortunately this is something that fades away in people with dementia, sometimes it is a shock when a loving partner no longer seems to care.
I was warned of this so I understood but I still grieved too.
Yes the love/care - I often hug Richard and his response is 'stop leaning on me' or 'move away' it makes me sort of laugh but so sad. It would be nice to think I could give him some nice cosy feeling, but obviously not. His attention these days is drawn towards children he finds them so cute!