Partner in denial

[Annakey]

how does one deal with a partner with Alzheimer's who refuses to acknowledge that he has anything more serious than a 'bit forgetful'?

Everything I read seems to assume the sufferer acknowledges the disease and wants to help themselves and their carer. We visit the Dementia Nurse every six months, and it is a struggle to get him to even do that, but I can't imagine he will ever accept respite care or home carers or even being financially assessed .

Anyone got any ideas what I should do? Thank you for your help.

 

[Rosebush]

Hi, sorry I can't help as my OH is exactly the same, I managed to get him to day care once the next week he refused to go.

 

[karaokePete]

Firstly, welcome to the forum @Annakey.

The issues you mention are common so you may get a lot of replies to your question.

Often people resort to 'love lies' to get their person with dementia to co-operate with visits to clinics etc.

There is a lot of general information that you may find useful in the Publications list that you can find with this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

On the subject of general communication, there is a thread with a lot of useful hints that can be reached with this link https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

Overall, although I don't know if it will help you, I get a lot of benefit from knowing that the person isn't being stubborn or in denial as such. The brain damage is such that they can no longer understand or remember that anything is wrong with themselves. Trying to explain or reason about these things is, essentially, a waste of time as they wouldn't have a diagnosis if this was capable of working. I find that that knowledge helps me to accept my situation when caring for my wife and being confronted with these challenges.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.

 

[maryjoan]

how does one deal with a partner with Alzheimer's who refuses to acknowledge that he has anything more serious than a 'bit forgetful'?

Everything I read seems to assume the sufferer acknowledges the disease and wants to help themselves and their carer. We visit the Dementia Nurse every six months, and it is a struggle to get him to even do that, but I can't imagine he will ever accept respite care or home carers or even being financially assessed .

Anyone got any ideas what I should do? Thank you for your help.

This is one of the biggest bug bears with regard to dementia. It drives me mad when coupled with hosting. What should you, what can you do? Are Social Services involved? Does your OH still drive? Once a couple of things like this in place, it is just possible to reason along the lines of "If there was not a significant problem Social Services would not be involved, or you would not have lost your license"

I find that my OH knows he has dementia, but does not thing he has any symptoms!

It is a loaded dice, my dear, and one of the hardest of things to work with. I sometimes wish I had a copy of the brain scan to show him where the problems are!

Good Luck with this one, and keep posting, we can only try to help each other.

 

[chris53]

Good afternoon Annakey, a warm welcome to you to Talking Point...a big dilemma as their world becomes not the same as ours,with both of our mums this became very obvious that whatever they said was law...the only way we could get more practical medical help was to summarise the problems that were becoming more noticeable and see their doctors to really..get the ball rolling... even if this has already been done at the "think there is something wrong stage" its just you putting on record the day to day difficulties both you and your partner are facing,so it may help to see your partners GP again to totally update,good idea would be to write everything down and get it put on record.Regarding the difficulty with your visits to the dementia nurse, they will do home visits should you let your doctor know what a stuggle it is to get there,this may be more beneficial for both of you, for the nurse to see your partner in their own home.
I hope that you get more help needed now at this early stage.
Please keep posting and take care.

 

[Kevinl]

When I tried to bring the issue up with my wife at first it ended in tears, later on this became aggression so I gave up.
I figured out pretty early on that appearing to be in denial too meant I wasn't driving a wedge between us because in her head there was noting wrong with her and me saying there was she found very hurtful.
When we I memory clinic I told her I had to go to the clinic then promise we'd go somewhere nice afterwards. The people at the clinic are well used to handling people in denial so I could appear to side with my wife and they understood this as if I was sat there agreeing with the doctors I'd try and stay onside with her.
I think one of the biggest mistakes is let the diagnosis come between you when you really need to be working together.
In the words of the song 2sometimes it's best when you say nothing at all".
K

 

[Rosettastone57]

how does one deal with a partner with Alzheimer's who refuses to acknowledge that he has anything more serious than a 'bit forgetful'?

Everything I read seems to assume the sufferer acknowledges the disease and wants to help themselves and their carer. We visit the Dementia Nurse every six months, and it is a struggle to get him to even do that, but I can't imagine he will ever accept respite care or home carers or even being financially assessed .

Anyone got any ideas what I should do? Thank you for your help.

This is very common sadly. My MIL never accepted there was anything wrong with her. As far as she was concerned she never needed any help. There is a medical word for it that other posters can supply I'm sure. Even at the end of her life when she could do virtually nothing for herself she never understood she couldn't walk ,or use the toilet properly. You will have to develop strategies to make decisions for him because if you wait for him to accept he has a problem you will wait forever.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

We never were able to tell my mother she had Alzheimer's but she grudgingly accepted that her memory "wasn't what it used to be".

 

[Annakey]

Thank you everyone. I shall read and digest your responses. I"m very grateful to be here.

 

[kindred]

how does one deal with a partner with Alzheimer's who refuses to acknowledge that he has anything more serious than a 'bit forgetful'?

Everything I read seems to assume the sufferer acknowledges the disease and wants to help themselves and their carer. We visit the Dementia Nurse every six months, and it is a struggle to get him to even do that, but I can't imagine he will ever accept respite care or home carers or even being financially assessed .

Anyone got any ideas what I should do? Thank you for your help.

Goodness gracious me. I wonder what you are reading? Only rarely will they acknowledge the disease and as for wanting to help themselves and the carer, that is fantasy!! It seems to me that co-operation is a very rare thing, and certainly my OH did everything possible to subvert anything I did or put in place to help him. I got very defeated ... and I guess this is behind my lingering feeling that I am wrong all the time! warmest, Kindred.

 

[FRED24]

It really helps to read all the reply's makes one feel not alonethanks

 

[FRED24]

What I would like to know do they ever except help with out them thinking its all in our minds people who actually are aware of the problem them selves helps a lot

 

[stanleypj]

In the earlier stages of the disease many people are aware of the problems it is causing and will accept help.
Even in the advanced stages some people accept help.

 

[canary]

My mum never believed that she had Alzheimers (I used to refer to her memory problems) and she never accepted any help either. She sacked her cleaner (because she was, apparently, stealing) and would not let carers over her threshold! Unfortunately it took a crisis before she got the care she needed - she had a TIA and went from hospital to her care home. Surprisingly she settled in her care home and thrived there, which I would never have believed.

 

[Shedrech]

What I would like to know do they ever except help with out them thinking its all in our minds people who actually are aware of the problem them selves helps a lot

it may help to read some posts on anosognosia
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/search/9700324/?q=anosognosia&o=date&c[node]=69

 

[Dutchman]

how does one deal with a partner with Alzheimer's who refuses to acknowledge that he has anything more serious than a 'bit forgetful'?

Everything I read seems to assume the sufferer acknowledges the disease and wants to help themselves and their carer. We visit the Dementia Nurse every six months, and it is a struggle to get him to even do that, but I can't imagine he will ever accept respite care or home carers or even being financially assessed .

Anyone got any ideas what I should do? Thank you for your help.

It’s a ****** isn’t it! My wife has always maintained that she hasn’t got vascular dementia. In fact she walked out on the consultant when we were told back in 2015 and it’s been one lie after another on my part so I can see the relevant clinics and teams to get help for me. She’s been refused her driving licence (she doesn’t know this as I’ve intercepted the letter) and I dread the day when she asks if she can drive the car as her name as driver on the insurance has been taken off as well. I just hope she’s at the stage where all this is meaningless anyway but that anticipates a worse condition than now and I don’t want that, so I can’t win either way. As for assessment, I’m trying to get a carers assessment done but they want her consent. How do I get round that one? At a later stage her consent will be meaningless anyway so I’m stuck as you are. Keep in touch as I will and perhaps we can come up with something that may help. Best wishes, Dutchman.

 

[rhubarbtree]

When OH was first diagnosed I avoided any tv programmes dealing with dementia thinking it would upset him but I now realise he does not know what he has and when we watch this type of programme he will voice sympathy for the patient. He does admit having a poor memory. Nothing to be gained trying to make a PWD acknowledge their situation. Of course we do have to stop them causing harm to themselves or others and that is where love lies or distraction come in.

 

[Baker17]

It’s a ****** isn’t it! My wife has always maintained that she hasn’t got vascular dementia. In fact she walked out on the consultant when we were told back in 2015 and it’s been one lie after another on my part so I can see the relevant clinics and teams to get help for me. She’s been refused her driving licence (she doesn’t know this as I’ve intercepted the letter) and I dread the day when she asks if she can drive the car as her name as driver on the insurance has been taken off as well. I just hope she’s at the stage where all this is meaningless anyway but that anticipates a worse condition than now and I don’t want that, so I can’t win either way. As for assessment, I’m trying to get a carers assessment done but they want her consent. How do I get round that one? At a later stage her consent will be meaningless anyway so I’m stuck as you are. Keep in touch as I will and perhaps we can come up with something that may help. Best wishes, Dutchman.

I had a Carers assessment and no one asked for my PWD’s consent

 

[Bunpoots]

I had a Carers assessment and no one asked for my PWD’s consent

Mine neither. How can this be a reasonable request?

 

[Kevinl]

I guess it depends if Dutchman is in Holland or not, the rules may be different there, my wife refused an assessment but they did one anyway as I lead her to believe the assessment was for me, in fact it was for both of us.
K