My Mum keeps calling me at least 6-7 times a day with all different problems.
What is the best thing I can do for her?
What is the best thing I can do for her?
My Mum Keeps Phoning Me
- Thread starter Minnie.123
- Start date
Hello, @Minnie.123 welcome to Talking Point. This is a difficult problem that lots of us are dealing with. Does your mother have a diagnosis of dementia? If not, it might be a first step to get her along to a GP for assessment. If she does, then it could be she is experiencing anxiety and needs reassurance, or she might need more company during the day. Either of these problems might be helped if she went along to some sort of support group, or day care, depending on her needs.
If you give us a little more information, then I’m sure the members will be quick to offer support.
If you give us a little more information, then I’m sure the members will be quick to offer support.
She has Alzheimer’s and she refuses to go to any support groups or daycare. I visit her 3 times a week. She gets very anxious and always requires reassurance. But the phone calls are what is the most difficult at the moments as it’s constant and she is always crying on of the other end of the phone.
Ok...that’s a hard one. You could arrange for an assessment of needs (Social Services do this), so you would have a professional opinion of what support she needs. I get a lot of calls from my husband, who is in a care home. I only turn my phone on when I can take calls easily. I turn it off at night; but it’s a different situation for me, of course, as I know he is safe and being looked after. Would you feel able to do this, if your responses are not helping her? Or might it worry you more if she couldn’t call.
At some point she will need more support, and if you ‘remove’ yourself a little, she will maybe realise that she needs to accept help from other people. This, in the long run, might be better?
At some point she will need more support, and if you ‘remove’ yourself a little, she will maybe realise that she needs to accept help from other people. This, in the long run, might be better?
Thank you so much for trying to help me but it’s going to be so hard to distance myself. I will just have to carry on and try and help her the best I can.
I’m sure other people will contribute to this thread and will come up with more creative solutions!
Hello @Minnie.123, welcome to the forum from me too.
Don't underestimate the effects of anxiety and depression in people with dementia. The GP may be able to help. Underneath are links to some AS Factsheets that may be of assistance. However, when all is said and done, the anxiety and questions can be never ending. I live with my wife, who has dementia, and despite the fact that she is medicated for both depression and anxiety she will still display symptoms and ask questions about everything and anything all day long. I find that a distraction with a TV program works best but realise that may not be a solution in your case.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...assessment_for_care_in_support_in_england.pdf
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ownloads/factsheet_depression_and_anxiety.pdf
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...the_gp_can_support_a_person_with_dementia.pdf
Don't underestimate the effects of anxiety and depression in people with dementia. The GP may be able to help. Underneath are links to some AS Factsheets that may be of assistance. However, when all is said and done, the anxiety and questions can be never ending. I live with my wife, who has dementia, and despite the fact that she is medicated for both depression and anxiety she will still display symptoms and ask questions about everything and anything all day long. I find that a distraction with a TV program works best but realise that may not be a solution in your case.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...assessment_for_care_in_support_in_england.pdf
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ownloads/factsheet_depression_and_anxiety.pdf
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...the_gp_can_support_a_person_with_dementia.pdf
My mum also phones me and my siblings frequently even though we see her almost every day. She is not upset over the phone though but usually wants to check something like when someone's birthday is or when she has an appointment or tell us about a problem. It can be time consuming though as we need to repeat the same info several times during the conversation.
I tend to answer the phone and say I am just on my way out which seems to stop her rambling too much! Obviously if I sense there is a problem I will give her as much time as she needs but so far there have been no crisis situations. I am not sure what I will do if this changes so I will follow this thread to see if anyone has any good advice.
I tend to answer the phone and say I am just on my way out which seems to stop her rambling too much! Obviously if I sense there is a problem I will give her as much time as she needs but so far there have been no crisis situations. I am not sure what I will do if this changes so I will follow this thread to see if anyone has any good advice.
Hi,
My mum has stages of phoning me (she has vascular dementia), almost always crying or sounding distressed. I only live 5 miles away so I get in the car and drive over, there have been times when I've got there and she's all cheered up and welcomes me as if I've come for a surprise visit, sometimes she says she didn't ring me at all, or that my dad had a problem and asked her to ring me to come over. Dad is deaf but doesn't have dementia and doesn't have a clue that she's called me until I arrive and says he didn't ask her to call me.
It's really difficult to deal with, there have been times when I've done the trip 3 times in one day because I'm the only child and I feel I have to go. I have the feeling that the one time I say it'll be ok and don't go will be the one time it isn't and it will be a disaster.
Thinking of you
My mum has stages of phoning me (she has vascular dementia), almost always crying or sounding distressed. I only live 5 miles away so I get in the car and drive over, there have been times when I've got there and she's all cheered up and welcomes me as if I've come for a surprise visit, sometimes she says she didn't ring me at all, or that my dad had a problem and asked her to ring me to come over. Dad is deaf but doesn't have dementia and doesn't have a clue that she's called me until I arrive and says he didn't ask her to call me.
It's really difficult to deal with, there have been times when I've done the trip 3 times in one day because I'm the only child and I feel I have to go. I have the feeling that the one time I say it'll be ok and don't go will be the one time it isn't and it will be a disaster.
Thinking of you
Thank you all for your help. I will take this information into account. It means a lot to know people are out there who understand what I am going through.
My situation was different because my Mum was already in a care home. The following may not be practically useful for you just yet but worth bearing in mind perhaps for the future.
One day I counted 150 calls from my Mum (I stopped picking up so she just kept calling until I picked up). As I work from home and she was calling on my home/work mobile phone I couldn't just turn off the phone.
In the end I bought her a Doro phone (no numbers just pre-programmed buttons) and myself another special "mum" phone (all very cheap - giff gaff). I programmed her Doro phone so it could only call my special "mum" phone. I then decided when to turn off my Mum phone or when to leave it in a place where I couldn't hear it. This gave me a breathing space and a chance to regain some control over my life.
The calls continued. Then a few months later a friend whose mother had dementia said "Why do you let her keep the phone? It is time to take it away". This felt like the ultimate betrayal and was hugely difficult. It was probably the first time I used my "power" as her carer. I realised that, while Mum was completely dependent on me that also gave me a peculiar kind of control. What had always seemed like the burden of responsibility also gave me some kind of authority which I could choose to use.
My mother was very angry with me but it gave me my life back. That was three years ago and she hasn't mentioned the phone since.
I guess what I learnt was that there are times with dementia where we have to precipitate a "crisis" - to be proactive about our own needs rather than reactive to theirs. This involves recognising that our loved ones condition is progressive and degenerative and we can half destroy our own lives in our efforts to help them carry on as normal.
I realised that taking away Mum's phone was actually harder for me than it was for her because it required me to face up to the fact that my Mum was never coming back - every day a little death.
I hope what I say encourages you to come up with a solution that works for you.
Good luck
ChloeE
One day I counted 150 calls from my Mum (I stopped picking up so she just kept calling until I picked up). As I work from home and she was calling on my home/work mobile phone I couldn't just turn off the phone.
In the end I bought her a Doro phone (no numbers just pre-programmed buttons) and myself another special "mum" phone (all very cheap - giff gaff). I programmed her Doro phone so it could only call my special "mum" phone. I then decided when to turn off my Mum phone or when to leave it in a place where I couldn't hear it. This gave me a breathing space and a chance to regain some control over my life.
The calls continued. Then a few months later a friend whose mother had dementia said "Why do you let her keep the phone? It is time to take it away". This felt like the ultimate betrayal and was hugely difficult. It was probably the first time I used my "power" as her carer. I realised that, while Mum was completely dependent on me that also gave me a peculiar kind of control. What had always seemed like the burden of responsibility also gave me some kind of authority which I could choose to use.
My mother was very angry with me but it gave me my life back. That was three years ago and she hasn't mentioned the phone since.
I guess what I learnt was that there are times with dementia where we have to precipitate a "crisis" - to be proactive about our own needs rather than reactive to theirs. This involves recognising that our loved ones condition is progressive and degenerative and we can half destroy our own lives in our efforts to help them carry on as normal.
I realised that taking away Mum's phone was actually harder for me than it was for her because it required me to face up to the fact that my Mum was never coming back - every day a little death.
I hope what I say encourages you to come up with a solution that works for you.
Good luck
ChloeE
Both of my parents have Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's. I dread the phone ringing! My Mother gets my Dad to call. He always says Mum wants to speak to you. I say hello are you OK and of course she isn't! Then the tears start. It is very difficult to hear this all of the time. Recently, my Dad has been telephoning asking where his car is! He gets very angry when I tell him we had to sell it, as he is not allowed to drive anymore. He absolutely doesn't believe me, tells me that I am not listening properly. I have at times said. Yes, I know where the car is. I will take a look to see that its safe. I honestly don't know what is the best way to deal with this. But, I do know we don't always have to answer the phone. We also have to look after ourselves and our own sanity too!
A couple of suggestions
The car is in for a service and depending on the age of the car it may also be waiting for some part needed for the MOT.
The trick with the phone calls is never to ask if they are OK because the answer will always be no so try "Hello, how is the weather there? is the sun out/raining/windy..." maybe elaborate a bit as in it's blowing your washing off the line or you are not sure if it will rain before it's dry.
Doesn't matter if you use a tumble drier she will remember the days when everyone put the washing out and so the weather was an important topic
The car is in for a service and depending on the age of the car it may also be waiting for some part needed for the MOT.
The trick with the phone calls is never to ask if they are OK because the answer will always be no so try "Hello, how is the weather there? is the sun out/raining/windy..." maybe elaborate a bit as in it's blowing your washing off the line or you are not sure if it will rain before it's dry.
Doesn't matter if you use a tumble drier she will remember the days when everyone put the washing out and so the weather was an important topic
