Desperate for help with my mother.

[VickyTwin]

Hi everyone.
I am sat at work, in tears as I write this as I know that I have to do more but I cant get any help. My mother has definitely got a dementia-related illness. Her sister has AD, so I suspect my mum has the same. My mum is nearly 70 years old, and very active although over the last few months she has declined. Her behavior has been very aggressive to me, my siblings and my father for around 3 years, as well as memory issues. I have had a difficult time with my mother for around 5 years. Its like she hates me, she is mean to me and says horrible things to me all the time. But behind my back she shows off about me I am told and is proud of my achievements. She was always a kind, compassionate and funny/wacky mother before. I realize her behavior changes are from dementia.
I have tried to get a diagnosis. Her colleagues escorted her to go to GPs (yes she works still, and is so stubborn she wont leave or retire). Of course I understand that this is her safety blanket but her bosses have told her to take time off (very lightly though), and she keeps on going to work in the mornings. Its difficult for me as I live 3 hours drive from her. I am embarrassed too because people have had enough of her at work. They are old too and have there own issues in life right. My sister is so busy with her baby and family she cant deal with much. I have uni exams (post grad, I am in my late 30's) and I cant get home. My job is in the city and very intense and finding it hard to remotely help my mum, work and study. My dad cant make my mother listen, she gets massively aggressive with him. Quite frankly, the stress is going to kill if I cant sort something out. I have pleaded with the receptionists at her surgery to ask the GP to help. They have been very kind, but the surgery is a shambles and nothing comes out of me asking. My mother went recently for a blood test, and tests showed normal but they didnt look at the whole usual spectrum of tests, which I am annoyed about. My friends are GPs and they said its not enough. I cant get her a diagnosis and crisis will happen soon. She has been withdrawing huge sums of money and walking around with it in her bag. I need help from medical services but no one will help. Her driving is terrible so I have forced my family never to let her drive again. I cant police that as I am not there.
Sometimes she is normal, for a few mins. But then she isnt and I know she has declined so much in the last few weeks. My dad cant do anymore. My sister is frazzled with it all. My brother lives with my parents, and is a 50 year old baby. Literally cannot help and runs away from anything constructive. He has severe mental issues and is a stress on the family which it pains me to say (he doesn't even know how to wash his clothes, but goes to gigs and the pub? He is so lazy it upsets me he wont help our mother more). Can anymore share some strategies that I can use to get her help? Thank you so much in advance.

 

[Beate]

You don't need a diagnosis to get help, and it's not doctors you need either, it's Adult Social Services. Contact them and ask for a needs assessment for her and a carers assessment for your Dad if he is the main carer. Also, if you don't have LPA yet, get it sorted urgently, then you can tackle the financial aspects (but get the health one too).

 

[VickyTwin]

You don't need a diagnosis to get help, and it's not doctors you need either, it's Adult Social Services. Contact them and ask for a needs assessment for her and a carers assessment for your Dad if he is the main carer. Also, if you don't have LPA yet, get it sorted urgently, then you can tackle the financial aspects (but get the health one too).

Thank you for the advice. Can I get LPA prior to a diagnosis or speaking with adult social services? I have told my dad that I need to get social services involved but he has begged me not to because she will get angry and cause his life hell but thats exactly why I guess.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Thank you for the advice. Can I get LPA prior to a diagnosis or speaking with adult social services? I have told my dad that I need to get social services involved but he has begged me not to because she will get angry and cause his life hell but thats exactly why I guess.

You can get LPA at any time as long as your mum agrees. Perfectly well people do it all the time just to be on the safe side in case something happens to them. Do it as soon as possible and you can share it with your dad if your mum is awkward about it.

In fact it is better to get it before diagnosis as hopefully your mum still has capacity.

It has nothing to do with the Social services.

The sooner the better.

 

[Beate]

Diagnosis or not doesn't matter although it's better as soon as possible as she still has to have the mental capacity to grant it. If she can't or won't you would have to go down the deputyship route, which is more onerous and expensive.

 

[karaokePete]

Welcome to the forum.

I agree with the others.

In case you haven’t come across the publications list, which contains lots of useful information, here’s a link to it and also one to the specific fact sheet about getting a needs assessment
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/assessment-care-support-england

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

 

[VickyTwin]

Thank you all. I think for us what is difficult is that my mother is resistant, to the point of aggression and although I don’t wish for crisis point to happen, it may be the only way to move things forward with her care and my poor father’s existence. I know she won’t agree to POA, or allow social care assessments to be done. I mean how can I physically make her do anything. Being the only person in the family with strength it is challenging with living so far away. Replying to emails from her bosses and colleagues about her behaviour is heart breaking as my mother would be mortified I am speaking behind her back. It is so hard since she has been horrible to me for years but she is my mother and it is to do with whatever illness she has. I know this. It’s still hard.
I will speak with special services

 

[Sirena]

If she still has capacity you can't force her to do anything, whether it's stop working or go to the GP or take out an LPA. You can't change that unfortunately so have to try to accept that.

Re the work situation, I am not sure why they are emailing you. If her behaviour means they want her to stop working it is up to them to firmly tell her she's no longer required. It's nothing to do with you, so please do not shoulder the responsibility for that.

By all means get in touch with Social Services, but bear in mind that if they believe she still has capacity they cannot force help on her, she can make her own choices. Even if she gets a diagnosis that remains the case until she's deemed to no longer have capacity. It's very difficult but as others have said until a crisis occurs you may not be able to resolve this.

 

[Malalie]

Your situation sounds terrible, although it is depressingly common to find that the person who you suspect to have dementia will refuse to admit to having any problem whatsoever. As she starts to find things difficult, she may start lashing out both verbally and physically, and fully believe that her problems are being caused by family members or others - she is perfectly OK, so it must be them. This happened with us too, and I felt like I was watching a train crash happening in slow motion. As others said, there is very little that anyone can make her do until she has some sort of meltdown, and outside agencies become involved.

If she won't let you support and help her, maybe you could find ways of supporting your Dad. Sounds like he is having a really difficult time too.

If you are seriously worried that her driving may be endangering herself or others I believe that you can report your concerns to DVLA here
http://www.contactthedvla.co.uk/guides/anonymously-reporting-dangerous-driving-dvla/ but be prepared for the consequences, especially for your Father who no doubt would have to bear the brunt.

I would encourage your Dad to try to protect any money that he can, as the hiding, squirreling away and subsequent loss of cash seems to crop up on these boards quite frequently.

If you or he could keep a short bullet point journal of your concerns about Mums behaviour and mood, you may find this useful both for yourselves and medical professionals in the future.

I wish I could be of more help, but I'm glad that you have discovered this forum - I hope there will be more suggestions.

 

[Bod]

VickyTwin, Does your brother have a Social Worker?
If so it might be an idea to contact them, as his position has altered with dad being in hospital.
Mum might accept help for him, which would be a start.

Bod

 

[VickyTwin]

VickyTwin, Does your brother have a Social Worker?
If so it might be an idea to contact them, as his position has altered with dad being in hospital.
Mum might accept help for him, which would be a start.

Bod

I don’t think you are replying to the correct post as my dad is not in hospital and it’s my mother I am discussing. Thank you anyhow

 

[VickyTwin]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I really don’t think it’s her employers fault that feel it necceasy to contact me. The have told her lightly to take time off and she refuses. So they contacted me. The lady colleague who contacted me is not much younger than my mum and is very upset over it all and is being really kind to my mum while she goes into the office (these days it is for an hour) and my mums bosses don’t actually live anywhere near the office and are busy business men in the city so it’s much more complicated.

The bosses have offered to help with paying for private healthcare, but the point is they my mum is resistant and my father says unless they knock her out she will not go to see more GPs or specialists and gets very verbally and I think physically abusive to my father with the mere mention. It’s actually a break for him if she goes to work but it’s so unfair on the staff who have to witness her decline. We are going to suggest to her employees that they make her redundant. She has worked for them well for 20 years.

The GP seen her a few weeks ago with notes from me outlining my concern after her colleague went with her. The GP said nothing. No follow up.

I knew my mum had behavioural changes and forgetfulness but it didn’t seem anything different to natural aging and her normal temperament (argumentative, negative, resistant). I actually believe that my mother has had a mental problem all her life and now it’s exacerbated with likely dementia.

Thank you so much everyone. I don’t usually join forums or things like that but I was desperate but feel clearer about a lot of things. Crisis point soon no doubt. But I need to be ready. I wish there was something I could do more though.

 

[Bod]

I don’t think you are replying to the correct post as my dad is not in hospital and it’s my mother I am discussing. Thank you anyhow

Apologies, don't know where I got the idea about your dad.
But getting to social services/CPN via your brother, may be a way of getting help for your mother.

Bod

 

[VickyTwin]

Apologies, don't know where I got the idea about your dad.
But getting to social services/CPN via your brother, may be a way of getting help for your mother.

Bod

Yes. But I am not around and the CPN is pretty rubbish I am told. It’s not that easy to get my dad to do anything so my dad wouldn’t be able help. My brother is so passive he wouldn’t do it either. He used to tell me that mum’s strange behaviour is none of his business. His lack of help drives me mad but I have accepted it. But it is something that I will definitely suggest to the family. Thank you very much

 

[Rosettastone57]

Thank you all. I think for us what is difficult is that my mother is resistant, to the point of aggression and although I don’t wish for crisis point to happen, it may be the only way to move things forward with her care and my poor father’s existence. I know she won’t agree to POA, or allow social care assessments to be done. I mean how can I physically make her do anything. Being the only person in the family with strength it is challenging with living so far away. Replying to emails from her bosses and colleagues about her behaviour is heart breaking as my mother would be mortified I am speaking behind her back. It is so hard since she has been horrible to me for years but she is my mother and it is to do with whatever illness she has. I know this. It’s still hard.
I will speak with special services

I never thought I would get POA for my MIL but my husband managed to but it took a great deal of planning and several weeks. This of course may not work with your mum but we just knew that going head on with the subject was going to be a no no. My MIL had pre existing mental health issues before the dementia diagnosis and her paranoia had always been in evidence.
I approached the neighbour who knew her well and in fact became certificate provider. I explained what we wanted to do and she agreed to visit MIL on several occasions and drop into the conversation that she was taking out POA herself . The aim was to give the impression that this was a normal thing to do for everyone. Eventually we joined MIL on one of these neighbour visits with the forms ready and after some discussion MIL signed them. MIL just didn't want to be seen as different from anyone else . If we had used professionals e.g. a solicitor or GP she would have refused point blank

 

[VickyTwin]

I never thought I would get POA for my MIL but my husband managed to but it took a great deal of planning and several weeks. This of course may not work with your mum but we just knew that going head on with the subject was going to be a no no. My MIL had pre existing mental health issues before the dementia diagnosis and her paranoia had always been in evidence.
I approached the neighbour who knew her well and in fact became certificate provider. I explained what we wanted to do and she agreed to visit MIL on several occasions and drop into the conversation that she was taking out POA herself . The aim was to give the impression that this was a normal thing to do for everyone. Eventually we joined MIL on one of these neighbour visits with the forms ready and after some discussion MIL signed them. MIL just didn't want to be seen as different from anyone else . If we had used professionals e.g. a solicitor or GP she would have refused point blank

Thank you for the advice. My dad has told me that my parents did select me for POA a few years ago in relation to the house and he isnt clear what other aspects I am also down as POA for. Will check but i doubt my dad knows these details to be honest.

On another note. Today my mum is saying really weird things, like shes now 7 stone (which she clearly isnt, more like 11 stone) and she keeps telling people she is having her leg chopped off by the doctor (because she is in pain). I am not sure whether these are fantasies, pulling my leg and whether she knows that these are ridiculous statements, or if they are related to dementia or mental issue. She seems to say them with such confidence. Not sure if anyone else has experience of this kind of thing?

 

[try again]

When my mum says odd stuff, I sometimes wonder if it's a wind up. Sometimes however when I look at her, she will laugh and say it was a joke and then I'm not sure it was. At least one of us needs help

 

[Bod]

It might be worth having her checked for a water infection.
Take a sample of wee to the GP's asked for an infection check.
It's common for infections to cause personality changes, soon fixed by the right antibiotics.

Bod

 

[VickyTwin]

It might be worth having her checked for a water infection.
Take a sample of wee to the GP's asked for an infection check.
It's common for infections to cause personality changes, soon fixed by the right antibiotics.

Bod

Thank you. My friend who is a gp said that if it was that she would have symptoms and more signs of infection by now and she has none but I will suggest it. I know that it is a common cause in the elderly though.

 

[Futile]

You don't need a diagnosis to get help, and it's not doctors you need either, it's Adult Social Services. Contact them and ask for a needs assessment for her and a carers assessment for your Dad if he is the main carer. Also, if you don't have LPA yet, get it sorted urgently, then you can tackle the financial aspects (but get the health one too).