Bad feelings

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
972
0
Pratteln Switzerland
@Dutchman
I completely understand your need to not directly deal with the loss of the license. Is there someway you could have the doctor tell her.
The car and driving was a huge loss for my hubby. He would not give it up. And of course, he was functioning pretty well back then, when he had to give up the car. But his decisions in traffic and reaction time were terrible and he ended up hitting a cyclist.(luckily she was unharmed). But in the end, I had to sell both the cars because he would not quit driving. Luckily, his anger was directed at his doctor not at me because the professor said to him he could not allow him to continue driving. The children were hugely relieved as they would have made him quit sooner than I did.

My latest fib (for my peace of mind) is around the cash card. My husband managed to lose his wallet a month ago in a parking lot. (He loses it all the time, but this time he really lost it)
Happily, a kind, honest Swiss person it was returned. Everything in the wallet. I took out a bunch of cards...but he can still recognise that cash card and he wanted it back. Of course, he has not been able to access for over a year or more.
I removed it and did not give it back.

He was upset but as we are really much further along our path of understanding and retention, he forgot again. After 15 minutes or so and I was able to distract him. He has not asked about it again.
He lost his Omega watch for 6 months....I found it in the laundry room in the rag bag. But he insists on wearing it. And he plays with his wedding band constantly, moving it from one hand to another. I suspect that we will lose both these items before we get to end. But there are somethings I wont fight him on.
 

carolynp

Registered User
Mar 4, 2018
569
0
@Dutchman
I completely understand your need to not directly deal with the loss of the license. Is there someway you could have the doctor tell her.
The car and driving was a huge loss for my hubby. He would not give it up. And of course, he was functioning pretty well back then, when he had to give up the car. But his decisions in traffic and reaction time were terrible and he ended up hitting a cyclist.(luckily she was unharmed). But in the end, I had to sell both the cars because he would not quit driving. Luckily, his anger was directed at his doctor not at me because the professor said to him he could not allow him to continue driving. The children were hugely relieved as they would have made him quit sooner than I did.

My latest fib (for my peace of mind) is around the cash card. My husband managed to lose his wallet a month ago in a parking lot. (He loses it all the time, but this time he really lost it)
Happily, a kind, honest Swiss person it was returned. Everything in the wallet. I took out a bunch of cards...but he can still recognise that cash card and he wanted it back. Of course, he has not been able to access for over a year or more.
I removed it and did not give it back.

He was upset but as we are really much further along our path of understanding and retention, he forgot again. After 15 minutes or so and I was able to distract him. He has not asked about it again.
He lost his Omega watch for 6 months....I found it in the laundry room in the rag bag. But he insists on wearing it. And he plays with his wedding band constantly, moving it from one hand to another. I suspect that we will lose both these items before we get to end. But there are somethings I wont fight him on.
Yes dear PalSal I find this too, that it’s a case of choosing my battles. When I think I must take a stand about something, increasingly (as there are more things to take a stand about!) I ask myself what would happen if I were just to let this particular thing go. And if I possibly can, I do let it go.

A Swiss physio I’ve done relaxation classes with always asks, both of physical movement and when addressing any problem at all, Is there an easier way?

I’m trying to remember this question too; and sometimes the “easier way” means just doing nothing.

When it doesn’t work, though, is in cases where one can foresee more and bigger difficulties ahead - for us as carers, I mean. In those cases it’s a stitch in time saves nine; and then I think for our own sakes we have to rouse ourselves to intervene and to act.
 

Rosie4u

Registered User
Jun 22, 2017
219
0
South Manchester
How true for us too @Rosie4u, it sounds so familiar. It kind of creeps up on you doesn’t it. I have to admit sometimes for me I bend the truth for a quiet life at times and other times to make him feel still worthwhile when he is low.
Absolutely and I find I dont tell him a lot of things - we always used to plan and discuss together and I confess I dont like deciding by myself. In looking round our house now , we have too much impractical furniture and i keep thinking I'll need to make changes. In the last few years we've bought some new furniture and I let him have the final say - wrongly I think now, but once he was set on something he couldn't be moved and I wanted him to be happy.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
Thanks everyone with your reassuring remarks. It’s a comfort to know I’m not as bad as I thought. OH asleep next to me on the sofa. I looked at a picture of her when we first married 28 years ago . What a very beautiful lady, full of life, extremely intelligent, running a department and my support through everything. It doesn’t do you any favours looking at old photos, it just breaks your heart never having that person again, never having that vibrancy again. I suppose the morale is that we always make the most of every moment when things are normal and good, but, of course, we tend to take things for granted assuming nothing will change. Keep writing people as you are all a wonderful support.
I do think it helps me to look at pictures as we were before my husband got bladder cancer and then dementia.
I look at the pictures of the lovely special times we spent together. Never wanting or needing anything or anyone else. Devoted to each other. I look at those pictures and I cry... it helps me to vent my emotions. It helps me to remember that our life was so special and worthwhile. No, I don’t want the life we now have. I don’t want to see this proud man who has changed almost beyond recognition. But I still have my memories, my photographs, and I still have him.
It is lovely to read that your wife was very beautiful and full of life... thank you for sharing your feelings... love B xx
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,620
0
I do think it helps me to look at pictures as we were before my husband got bladder cancer and then dementia.
I look at the pictures of the lovely special times we spent together. Never wanting or needing anything or anyone else. Devoted to each other. I look at those pictures and I cry... it helps me to vent my emotions. It helps me to remember that our life was so special and worthwhile. No, I don’t want the life we now have. I don’t want to see this proud man who has changed almost beyond recognition. But I still have my memories, my photographs, and I still have him.
It is lovely to read that your wife was very beautiful and full of life... thank you for sharing your feelings... love B xx

Oh yes, photo's help a lot. I try to remember dad when he was younger and capable of anything and I pray that when he is gone I remember those images instead of the one's that I see now.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I had a photo of when we first met. I carried it around for many years in my purse. It became frail so I had it copied. That in turn became frail. Now a clever local artist captured it to perfection. When I am tired it transports back to the place of hopes and dreams, the promises we made. The adventurous life we shared.
The same with music a sudden sound, all comfort me
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
2,348
0
76
Devon, Totnes
I do think it helps me to look at pictures as we were before my husband got bladder cancer and then dementia.
I look at the pictures of the lovely special times we spent together. Never wanting or needing anything or anyone else. Devoted to each other. I look at those pictures and I cry... it helps me to vent my emotions. It helps me to remember that our life was so special and worthwhile. No, I don’t want the life we now have. I don’t want to see this proud man who has changed almost beyond recognition. But I still have my memories, my photographs, and I still have him.
It is lovely to read that your wife was very beautiful and full of life... thank you for sharing your feelings... love B xx
I’m currently separating photos of my wife and making a separate album of her and I hope that, as you’ve experienced, I experience a great deal of comfort from what memories they produce. And aren’t memories such strange things? They give you such emotions of a time when you thought things would never change. My wife is tired now (18.00) when, then, she would be full of life, arranging stuff, arguing her point from the news, long conversations with the children or friends. Thanks for your post.
 

Sammie234

Registered User
Oct 7, 2016
219
0
Shropshire
Hi Dutchman

I know exactly how you feel and I often hate myself whenever I find that my patience has deserted my and I snap at my dear wife.

We are nearly 5 years into our "journey" (we're both coming up to 68) and one of the first things to be affected were her speech, comprehension and self-awareness. So she can never tell me how's she's feeling, which maybe just as well, though as I've posted before, she seems to be in a permanently happy world of her own.

Many will say that I am lucky and I know many carers have to suffer the anger, violence and paranoia that affects many PWD. However, when you've coped with your loved one all day, you're cream-crackered and your loved one can't follow the most basic of requests (like - lift your foot up so I can pull your PJ's on - for the umpteenth time!!), the fact that they're smiling at you only seems to make matters worse?:mad:

It will be our 47th wedding anniversary next week and I so miss celebrating it together. Sure, she's still here with me but it all seems so hollow now. Our youngest son usually takes it on himself to get me cards, "signed" by my wife, which is very thoughtful but it is a times like these that you can feel most lonely?

I wish you well.
Phil
.

Your son sounds lovely and considerate happy anniversary wishes it’s ours 48yrs this month, my OH knows it’s this month he keeps thinking he’s forgotten it he thought it was the first of the month then he remembers the first of the month was when he started work. Sadly I think he will soon forget it yet easily remember when he first started work. Sad thought that is :(
 

Grahamstown

Registered User
Jan 12, 2018
1,746
0
84
East of England
Thinking of you all as I relax after all the packing and preparation for our holiday, sweating on the top line, literally, as my poor husband sits exhausted and dozing awaiting the car to pick us up. I have to keep picking myself up psychologically too, because I think it will work out but can’t think ahead too much. He is looking forward to lying down on his bed! Our feelings about our loved ones are so complex as we wrestle with their increasing loss of memory. I can’t dwell on it too much but try to be practical.
 

carolynp

Registered User
Mar 4, 2018
569
0
Thinking of you all as I relax after all the packing and preparation for our holiday, sweating on the top line, literally, as my poor husband sits exhausted and dozing awaiting the car to pick us up. I have to keep picking myself up psychologically too, because I think it will work out but can’t think ahead too much. He is looking forward to lying down on his bed! Our feelings about our loved ones are so complex as we wrestle with their increasing loss of memory. I can’t dwell on it too much but try to be practical.
GOOD LUCK!!! Thinking of you heaps. Love Carolyn. XXX. PS to quote TS Eliot, “For us there is only the trying. The rest is not our business.” When it comes to taking our husbands on holiday, never was truer word spoken! Mudgee Joy managed amazingly just recently and you will too.
 

carolynp

Registered User
Mar 4, 2018
569
0
Hey Grahamstown and Carolynp. Any word on the cruise?? I am keen to know how it goes !!! I like the TS Elliot quote !,
Don’t know! Nothing heard! But I have Sydney in ten days so when in due course you hear low moaning sounds from me you will know why. Meanwhile love and kisses. C xxxxxxxxx @Mudgee Joy @Grahamstown. PS The Sydney boys have a new puppy so that will be fun.
 

Violetrose

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
69
0
Didsbury Manchester
Dear Dutchman, Please don’t feel bad about what I think and hope is a normal reaction to the situation we are in. I can relate to everything you say. I love my husband and despite his Dementia he is still a kind and loving man, but on occasions I get very irritated with him for things he can’t help. It is usually little things that set me off and I am short with him. As I always feel terrible about it afterwards I have reflected on it and think that our life now is so frustrating that occasionally, like a pressure cooker, some steam has to escape. It does not help me feel any better about being snappy with him, but he seems to quickly forget it very quickly or complain that ‘some woman came in the house and had a go at him’!!
 

Mudgee Joy

Registered User
Dec 26, 2017
675
0
New South Wales Australia
Dear Dutchman, Please don’t feel bad about what I think and hope is a normal reaction to the situation we are in. I can relate to everything you say. I love my husband and despite his Dementia he is still a kind and loving man, but on occasions I get very irritated with him for things he can’t help. It is usually little things that set me off and I am short with him.

Perhaps that's pretty much the universal feeling - if we loved them-
We still do - but we can get frustrated to a point where we react in a cranky way. Then it's extra sad for us.
Mudgee joy
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
2,348
0
76
Devon, Totnes
i’ve been looking back on some of the earlier posts i made on here and now Bridget has been in the care home for almost 12 months i have to remind myself of what a terror it all was when she was here. With the value of hindsight i could have been more understanding, compassionate and kinder. But day after day, month after month and eventually turning into some years of dementia random behaviour wears you down and you cannot be that saint you want to be.

But I still shudder at how unkind i was at times. Perhaps that will never go away.

Peter
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
744
0
Hi @Dutchman i have often read your posts when I started my journey 3 yrs ago, and your posts have helped me. I also read at the start the things you should and shouldn’t say. What, I’m being verbally abused and can’t retaliate?, like hell I did. But it’s taken 3 yrs to figure out the way forward.so don’t beat yourself up. It’s a long learning journey with no manual.
 

Reds

Registered User
Sep 5, 2011
633
0
Hertfordshire
It can be so difficult to get my husband to go to bed at the end of the evening because he falls in the chair that I have to now put the clock forward an hour so that he thinks he is going at 10 pm but is only 9 pm. Hate being deceitful but the trick has been a great help! Much easier, he's better for it and I can read once he is settled!
 

AbbyGee

Registered User
Nov 26, 2018
746
0
Portsmouth, South Coast
Not always telling the truth ... some call it 'Love Lies' but I prefer the term 'Theraputic Untruths'. It's probably more theraputic for me as an alternative to trying to explain over and over and over again.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
333
0
New Zealand
Has anyone felt that they’re the worse carer in the world? I know I should be doing all the right things like being patient, not getting irritated, having compassion, but I do the opposite and it seems all my worse feeling come out. We’re driving back from seeing our daughter, about 4 hour drive, my wife unable to converse with like she used to, me running out of things to say, and I’m hurting inside remembering our life when talking all the time together was normal. That’s never going to happen again and it hurts. And to add to that is the fact that it going to get worse in so many ways. Do I feel sorry for myself ? Yes I do and I can’t even communicate my hurt to my wife and get sympathy and support. Someone said to me that by the time it reaches the last stages emotions are numbed anyway...I don’t want my love to die but love gets a battering with dementia and perhaps it’s inevitable.
To be honest, @Dutchman, I thought I was the worst caregiver in the world. I've never had a patient temperament and I suffer from B12 deficiency which makes me feel fatigued and extremely irritable and impatient on top of being naturally that way. I try hard, but my husband's behaviour lately is taking its toll on me. Love does take a battering. MH spent his first week in respite a few weeks ago. While he was away, I missed him terribly and could only think of the man I used to know. A few days after he returned home, I couldn't understand why on earth I'd missed him! There is no meaningful conversation between us. He is a very different person these days, almost like a stranger. Apart from his dementia, he has good health whereas me, 10 years younger, do not have and my (selfish) concern is that looking after him for heaven knows how long, will see me pass away before he is even in care. I want a life, even for a couple of days a week, but MH refuses to attend day care and because he won't allow me to wash and change him, I couldn't take him anyway as he looks and smells disgusting. We live in a small, one-bedroomed cottage and I feel trapped between these 4 walls 24/7. His stay in respite was not a success as he was in a strange environment and was disruptive and punched a caregiver. I am selfish enough to want a way out, but I feel it's not time to put him into care yet. He still knows his surroundings and recognises me. His latest behavioural challenge is that instead of using the loo, he goes outside and pees in the garden or defecates into a plastic bucket and comes inside smelling of poo, but refuses to wash or let me change him. I really don't know what to do next. I am in the process of re-instating home help, but if he won't let me wash him, I can't see him allowing a stranger to. Perhaps if there were male caregivers around it would help, but alas, no.