I don't belong here .......

[Tender Face]

What the hell am I doing in this section? I wasn't supposed to be here for years yet ........ well, not unless I could offer something from experiences with dad or others years ago ... but here I am on TP - venturing between the Tea Room for a snippet of humour to lighten the load - the Raising Awareness Section to add to my battle plans and how I can use what I have learnt if just to campaign on a local level once I have more energy .. feeling more at home in the 'Younger People' section - anything, but anything than being on the main forum where there are probably people I have come to know who might expect me to be posting .....

But here I am ...... and feeling very isolated ... and odd ...... Does this make me a 'newbie' in this section? Is that what I'm uncomfortable with? Or is this just my grief ? Is it because mum was taken early before she reached 'late stage' so do I have any 'right' to be here?

I know Bruce has advise me against cross-threading previously ...... but KenC's recent thread and subsequent comments on it (especially Lynne's re the LGBT section) really hit home to me this sleepless night ..... and whilst I have wonderful non-virtual friends and others rallying great support at this sad time .... it feels like the time I need TP most I've got lost somewhere ........ and don't know where or if I really belong anymore?

I remember more than two years ago when the 'Dealing with Loss' section was first mooted that I - as many others - had reservations that people might feel 'shunted off' .... well I was right ... because that's exactly how I feel right now .... and whether I am in trouble for cross-threading or not I want to post this link and ask that those who may once again 're-jig' the site to consider the effect of the divisions which may look PC pretty but do actually foster segregation and - indeed as I feel tonight - a feeling of isolation and reinforcement of my personal loss ... which is surely the complete opposite of what is meant to be achieved ........? http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/talkingpoint/discuss/showthread.php?t=12812

It would be interesting to know how many long-term members and / or moderators having gone through the final loss have felt the same? Or is it that we don't have enough of those people still amongst us for the very reasons I am feeling tonight?

Karen, x

 

[Taffy]

But here I am ...... and feeling very isolated ... and odd ...... Does this make me a 'newbie' in this section? Is that what I'm uncomfortable with? Or is this just my grief ? Is it because mum was taken early before she reached 'late stage' so do I have any 'right' to be here?

Dear Karen,

If I was a betting person I would put my money on GRIEF. Individuals grieve differently and there is a range of mixed feelings and self doubts. Grief is a process which isn't measured by a time slot. Karen, you have every right to be here on TP. Maybe, your just not ready to share in with others who are experiencing what was not so long ago, a reality for you.

None of this is easy, that I do know, so I'm sure others would be understanding and not expecting anything from you other than what is comfortable for you.

Take Care, Love Taffy.

 

[Tina]

Dear Karen,

I'd agree with Taffy. Your posts on the "main" forum will still be needed and wanted, why wouldn't you post on there any more if you are looking for support or have support, information, a laugh or a hug to add to anyone's thread, no matter whether your mum has gone or not. No one is forcing you to post in the After Dementia section...people said that to me when I wrote about Aunty Jean's death in a thread on the main forum and said please move the thread to the After Dementia section if you feel it's necessary. It never got moved, I was told it was in the right place

I know I felt strange posting on the main forum at first as well...Aunty Jean and then Gramps had gone, and Uncle Harry too (not dementia-related), so I didn't really have that connection with life with dementia any more but was trying to come to terms with the fact that they're no longer here. For feelings and memories of them, I post in the After Dementia section if I need to, but I still read along on some threads on the main forum and post there now and again. I still read the tea room, too. Some things still strike a chord, and I find it very painful to remember sometimes because lots of memories come flooding back. Why wouldn't or shouldn't I post on the main forum if I think I can add something constructive or helpful?

On the other hand, now I have to admit that I do feel more "comfortable" (if that's the right word) posting about Aunty Jean or Nan or anything concerning my loss in the After Demnetia section...my loved ones are dead and I am dealing with loss and grief, I'm no longer looking for support to help me through hospital visits or caring or different stages of the illness.

Take it a day at a time, Karen. It's early days for you yet, and don't feel shunted off into the sidelines. If you don't feel comfortable in the After Dementia section just yet, don't post there - simple as that. Your threads about mum are on the main forum or other sections of TP, and if you feel more supported on there, well, that would be a good enough reason for me...

Take care,
love Tina

 

[Brucie]

Hi Karen

Bruce has advise me against cross-threading previously

It's only advice, Karen, because sometimes it is easier to follow something that is is an expected area.

A forum such as TP needs to be split into a few discrete sections, simply because - we hope - that makes navigation easier, quicker.

However as we all know - you more than most - the dementia experience is not one that can easily be pigeonholed. It ticks many boxes in the inventory of hell.

Please feel free to post where you want.

Take care.

 

[Helen33]

Dear Karen

I am glad that you were able to talk to your virtual friends about another aspect of your loss.

But here I am ...... and feeling very isolated ... and odd ...... Does this make me a 'newbie' in this section?

It seems that you are feeling, not only the loss of your mum but also the loss of your familiar stamping ground, your friends and your place on TP. I sometimes think ahead and realise that if the time ever came that I lost Alan, I would also lose what has become a valued part of my life - TP. I decided I would cross that bridge when I got to it but you are there.

You have invested a lot in your usual place on TP and you need to take as long as you need to begin to reinvest your time and energies (wherever that might be).

I hope you feel more relaxed now that Bruce has made it clear that you can post wherever you like


Love

 

[CraigC]

It would be interesting to know how many long-term members and / or moderators having gone through the final loss have felt the same? Or is it that we don't have enough of those people still amongst us for the very reasons I am feeling tonight?

Hi Karen,

A little different for me as I lost mum and dad is still surviving, but I have found loads of comfort in the dealing with loss section, loads. Particularly when I first lost mum. Just found the empathy from people who had lost someone warm and helpful. It took away some of the loneliness and I feel very comfortable talking openly about my emotions regarding death here. I will always use any section on TP and feel compfortable posting anywhere on TP even when dad leaves me.

anything, but anything than being on the main forum where there are probably people I have come to know who might expect me to be posting .....

What really surprised me (having not visited this area much myself before to be honest) is how many members who have not lost someone rally in for support and advice in the 'dealing with loss' section. It is quite humbling and I feel very grateful. There is also another reason for having this area, we ensure that any useful resources and advice relating to dealing with death (practically) and emotionally are in one place and not lost within the main forum which gets the majority of postings.

Like you, I never wanted to be here! But even seven months after mum dying I still grieve and am grateful to be able to have somewhere like this to let out my emotions. It is mums birthday soon and it is going to be another very sad day for me; However, I have somewhere to come where I know many people will have felt the same - instead of bottling it up, I'll be clicking on the 'Dealing with Loss' link.

Also, and I going to be totally honest here, I have been considering councelling for some time as mums last few weeks were particulary hard for me. Even seven months down the line I still get flashbacks and dreams. I'm not quite the same person and it is not fair on my family. Dad is getting worse and of course I know that the family and I are very sadly having to go through this all again. So I need to bite the bullet and talk to someone who can be objective to work out how we are going to deal with this without too much damage. This morning I was reading the Counselling -any advice welcome thread which is how I came across your post. I'm seeing my GP next week, but like many mentioned, I could not face a group of people who lost their loved ones at about the same time, face to face, it would be too emotional for me and I am a tender old sod. I now understand the potential that bereavement has of tipping you over the edge both physically and mentally.

So what I'm trying to say is I feel comfortable taking about the counselling and my emotions here, but it is a subject that I'd rather not post on the main caring forum. That's just me and everyone has the choice to post where they like.

Take care of yourself and I'm so sorry you find yourself here.
love
Craig

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Karen

Talking Point is here for members in whatever stage they`re at to fulfill whatever need they have. There are no pigeonholes. Perhaps at very vulnerable and sensitive times in our lives we tend to pigeonhole ourselves.

Can I tell you how I view TP? I never look at sections. I only go to `New Posts`, to view the latest posts on TP since I was last on the Forum. The only time I am conscious of a specific section is when I wish to post something frivolous, and need to make sure I`m in the Tea Room.

I feel the strangeness you feel, is the strangeness you feel in your life now you have lost your mother.

Do not confine yourself to any section Karen. There is no need.

Love xx

 

[TinaT]

Hi Karen,

Just like Sylvia, I only use the 'new threads' button. I'm never aware which section people have chosen to post on. It is irrelevant to me.

xxTinaT

 

[Amy]

Hiya Karen,
I do have the feeling of not belonging....have done since mum died....though i do still post. I almost feel guilty that I nolonger have a relative with dementia therefore have no right to be here....part of me thinks I should let go, should move on.

I dont think it is to do with how the Board is organised...think it is my own feelings getting in the way.

Acually came on to start a thread today....so will do so....came here cos nowhere else that might understand how Im feeling.

Take care.
Love Helen

 

[Margarita]

he only time I am conscious of a specific section is when I wish to post something frivolous, and need to make sure I`m in the Tea Room.

I also am not actively conscious in what section of TP I am posting in as I click on the last post that was posted on TP, I read it all then have stool up, look at what section of it taken me into, if I can connect to it I post.

I must say I can relate to connect to the sentence

" I don't belong hear " .

But not in that sentence of TP , but the world at large.

When my father pass away I felt I never belong anywhere I still don't sometime, because I can't even connect to my mother anymore.

My children give me the Emotional warmth that I use to feel from my parents, that what I am am missing . My parents made me to emotionally needy

I understand myself more the feeling that grief can give me,grief is so life changing taken me bloody age's to learn to live with the new feeling its given me.

Post in what ever section you want Karen

 

[twinone]

Hi Karen

I didnt join TP until my husband passed away. I have never felt like I shouldnt be here, maybe thats because I joined at a different stage than you did.

Like you, I am still grieving and sometimes need the support of people other than my family and friends who understand the absolute agony of watching their loved ones suffer from this disease.

I read most posts with great sadness a lot of the time, especially as I have been through what they are going through in a shorter space of time. I will sometimes join in but sometimes feel I am in the wrong place because I am no longer caring. I have never been made to feel uncomfortable and am sure you wont be either.

Please continue to post, it does help.

Love Janet

 

[alex]

Hi Karen

I too was someone that welcomed the "After Dementia Section" but after a while, i too felt it was not such a good idea, i felt it segregated people, i know i didn't feel as though i could use the main board, didn't feel i belonged cos i no longer had a relative with demenia..........after taking a break from TP and looking back on it now, i think it was more me than TP, it was all part of grieving, letting go, etc.........i was angry......angry at everyone and everything, even TP ....when really, it was me i was angry at, i just couldn't express that.........i still believe that sections are not good, even though i can understand the reasons behind it.

Someones signature comes to mind......."if you can't change it....change the way you think about it" .......now i see it as a house, with different rooms.

You've given such a lot to TP, raised topics, given support, wrote poems.....even the odd battle but thats what makes TP real. You are needed here Karen, even just to keep us all on our toes!!!!

Yes you feel sadness and you'll even feel dispair, but you've always got a second home here, whichever room your in!!!!! so don't cut yourself off hon, accept it for what it is.

Much love
Alex x

 

[Tender Face]

Woke this morning ... had just about the ability to understand it was Saturday ... 'Need to take mum's paper down and get ...' until I remembered ... I don't have to do that for mum anymore ....... it's been more than six months since I used to go down to her house on a Saturday morning and called at the bakers for treats ... 'Oh, no, no, we're past that' ..... I remember hospital times' .... Saturday - run round doing shopping and then visit her at hospital ... what time hospital visiting? ' 'Oh, no, no, no, we're past that ... she's not in hospital .. been through that' ..... ... it's the care home ...... no need to rush.

Then the dawning reality ... it's Saturday morning - and you simply don't have mum to think about anymore ....

And some great gaping chasm has just opened up and swallowed me .......

I think I need to go hide in a cave for a while, bless you all, Karen, x

 

[Marianne]

Hi karen
Please give yourself time Karen, my dad died 14 months ago but I still miss him so much. The grieving process takes time and believe me 6 months is no time. As well as having lost your mum you have lost the routine you had for a long time. This is hard as it keeps bringing to mind what you did at a certain time on a certain day.

Before my dad was struck down with the sudden onset of Dementia I would be at his warden controlled flat every day, either cooking, cleaning or taking him out shopping. When he went into care I was lost, I still could visit him every day but not quite the same as before.

When the abuse began I was at the home at least twice a day, and had plenty to do and then he died, I was left not wanting to do anything.That was 14 months. I am now finding I want to do my housework, as everything had been a big effort. My GP wanted me to go to and talk to a therapist for grief but i declined. I really just wanted him to tell me the feelings I had were normal.

It has not helped having the abuse to deal with. I have repeated the stories either in person or writing it down in a letter so often. It is constantly being refreshed in your mind. I was so tearful and depressed at one point I was thinking I could not carry on with the abuse case. I was becoming paranoid that everyone hated me. This was probably true which is impossible to avoid when criticising the various Authorities. But these feelings left me after a good nights sleep and I would remind myself why and who I was doing this.

Karen please keep in touch,
Best wishes
marianne

 

[Helen33]

Dear Karen

don't have mum to think about anymore ....

And some great gaping chasm has just opened up and swallowed me .......

It's only me Karen, Helen. I just wanted to say that I'm still here listening and feeling for you in your bereavement.

Love

 

[Nutty Nan]

Karen,
I only pop in once in a while now - I have also been trying to decide whether I still 'belong', or whether I should draw a line and stop using up time and energy on 'dementia stuff' - it's not so much a question of where I read or post (I rather like the idea Alex has of a house with different rooms!), I click on all the new posts since I last visited, without worrying about where they were posted. I am more concerned that I might upset current carers with any outpourings of grief, or I might appear pompous by giving advice ....... you might say these are all unnecessary worries, but the trouble is that the feeling of 'not belonging' applies to all sorts of other situations, not just TP. One thing is clear, though: even though I am not a carer any longer, I am not able to turn my back on the subject, or on TP. Whenever I step back a bit, I start wondering how everyone is, and how and where I might be able to make a small contribution at some time or other.
Stick around, Karen, and stop worrying about 'where' and 'when' and 'how'!

 

[Lynne]

Karen

We are family here, you are my sister. Siblings don't always agree, family members fall out, people get hurt, get ratty, feel sad - all that and more.

For better or worse, we all belong to the TP family, which has seen us through some of the darkest times of our lives, even after those times are 'over'.
.

 

[lesmisralbles]

Dear Karen

We understand. Sending love X
Barb & Ron XXX

 

[Mameeskye]

Karen

The yawning chasm runs along beside you for a good time. SOmetimes you peer into its depths and see only the blackness. Sometimes you see light reflected from the sparkling brook at the bottom and occasionally you lift your eyes to the massive mountains, covered with snow on the far side.

At first you don't see the bridge at all. It is so small. Then you summon up the effort to start to cross, but it is too strange. You don't want to step outside your comfort zone, but your comfort zone is no longer there and everything feels odd and strange.

Slowly you take the steps across the bridge and start to see the beauty on the other side in the heights of the hills. But often you are drawn back to the abyss to ponder upon its depths, but you see things in a little more focus.

You learn to run back and forth and start to see the beauty in both the depths and the mountains. You accept that there is a different view to the world and that it is not all down.

But first there is the fear of taking each step to contend with, to move from where you are to where you want to be.

It is umcomfortable, it is strange. All your ties that bind you are suddenly unknotted and you have to choose which to knot and where to knot them again until you are snug. But you will find a fit again, as you will see the chasm more clearly and the mountains beyond. But it takes effort and pain and a lot of thinking and discomfort to move from the old and on to the new.

My TP friends have been brilliant to me, and I still try to offer help if I think that I am able to. I sometimes fear that for those that don't know my story, that I may not sound as I should, for my dear friends that helped me tread my paths I try and support as and when I can. I feel like a family member who has moved to a different country but knows a little about what the old country is like...but maybe in a misty way.

My heart goes out to you as you go through this painful time. There is no way to make it easy. It may be short or long, let your friends here and in the non-virtual world support you through.

We are all here for you.

Love

Mameeskye