Life is winning over grief, desease , sense of guilt.
There will be good days and bad days, but the good ones will be increasingly more than the bad ones.
Good night ( or good morning?), Al
Two years to get this bad. What now?
- Thread starter AL60
- Start date
There will be good days and bad days, but the good ones will be increasingly more than the bad ones.
Good night ( or good morning?), Al
Hello AL60,
I've read all your posts from the beginning and just want to tell you that you've done all you can. That moment when you felt a small sense of pleasure because the weather was nice? I wish you many more moments like that.
I've been shocked to see the similarities between the abusive behaviour of some people with dementia and that of people with personality disorders. I escaped from an abusive relationship 3 years ago and one of the things that continued to trouble me was the way my ex had 'saved' the bad behaviour just for me. I realised he knew what he was doing was wrong and hid it from other people. He could turn it on and off.
All advice about recovery from this kind of relationship is to have no further contact with the abuser. Victims need time to devote to their recovery from abuse in order to 'find' themselves again.
I know this is not possible for carers who have to suffer abuse from PWD but, please, take those visit free days whenever YOU NEED them. Your own needs are important too.
Finding pleasure in small things is a joy you deserve.
I wish you all the very best.
I've read all your posts from the beginning and just want to tell you that you've done all you can. That moment when you felt a small sense of pleasure because the weather was nice? I wish you many more moments like that.
I've been shocked to see the similarities between the abusive behaviour of some people with dementia and that of people with personality disorders. I escaped from an abusive relationship 3 years ago and one of the things that continued to trouble me was the way my ex had 'saved' the bad behaviour just for me. I realised he knew what he was doing was wrong and hid it from other people. He could turn it on and off.
All advice about recovery from this kind of relationship is to have no further contact with the abuser. Victims need time to devote to their recovery from abuse in order to 'find' themselves again.
I know this is not possible for carers who have to suffer abuse from PWD but, please, take those visit free days whenever YOU NEED them. Your own needs are important too.
Finding pleasure in small things is a joy you deserve.
I wish you all the very best.
Dementia or not no one should be expected to endure that level of challenging behaviour AL.
My husband was not as challenging, but when he did begin to shout at me or be cross when I first went to visit, I used to say I wasn`t there to be shouted at and would prepare to leave, even when I`d only just arrived.
It usually worked.
My husband was not as challenging, but when he did begin to shout at me or be cross when I first went to visit, I used to say I wasn`t there to be shouted at and would prepare to leave, even when I`d only just arrived.
It usually worked.
Hi. Good morning. It's been some time since I woke at seven and found I couldn't get back to sleep. I can't believe how dark it was, the days really are getting shorter now. My weather app also tells me that it's raining, ha, the wonder of modern science
. It might be gloomy outside but I'm feeling quite upbeat about today. I can't explain it but I'm quite looking forward to the new day spread before me. Nothing special planned, i will probably go and visit at some point today. If and when I do I'll be sure to wear some old clothes, got an old plastic mack with a hood, so I'd just need a hose down afterwards.
I've been awake an hour now and it's only a little bit less gloomy outside. And the app is right, it is raining. But it's not going to dampen my spirit. The only thing to dampen me is the shower I'm about to have. I almost feel bad about posting this, i must never feel bad about feeling good, that line could be my new mantra. After all who knows how I'll feel as time goes on, we all know what a roller coaster ride of emotions being a carer can be. Next week I could feel low again, I'll have to wait and see but I feel I've reached a turning point. I hope i'm right.
CandC, i think you're right, I'm starting to find myself, I'm actually starting to enjoy that 'me' time instead of having to use it just to 'come down' from the stress of caring.
And Margherita, your wise words have covered everything in just three lines. Thank you. I wish I could do that at this rate I'll still be here at lunch time, so that's it, once again good morning Al.
. It might be gloomy outside but I'm feeling quite upbeat about today. I can't explain it but I'm quite looking forward to the new day spread before me. Nothing special planned, i will probably go and visit at some point today. If and when I do I'll be sure to wear some old clothes, got an old plastic mack with a hood, so I'd just need a hose down afterwards. I've been awake an hour now and it's only a little bit less gloomy outside. And the app is right, it is raining
. But it's not going to dampen my spirit. The only thing to dampen me is the shower I'm about to have. I almost feel bad about posting this, i must never feel bad about feeling good, that line could be my new mantra. After all who knows how I'll feel as time goes on, we all know what a roller coaster ride of emotions being a carer can be. Next week I could feel low again, I'll have to wait and see but I feel I've reached a turning point. I hope i'm right.CandC, i think you're right, I'm starting to find myself, I'm actually starting to enjoy that 'me' time instead of having to use it just to 'come down' from the stress of caring.
And Margherita, your wise words have covered everything in just three lines. Thank you
. I wish I could do that at this rate I'll still be here at lunch time, so that's it, once again good morning Al. Hi, I've tried that but find it impossible to reason with her. I try to steer the conversation around to some subject I think she'll find easier but whatever it's about I always get accused of being a liar. That's when it escalates, she gets louder and louder then more upset, also upsetting other residents. Then it's time for me to leave. If a nurse or carer is on hand to intervene she quietens down immediately. I think that's what the problem was last time. It was an evening visit so less staff available to step in.
So, let's see what today brings, so far I'm feeling good. Al.
Hello, @AL60 ...I like your comment that you are beginning to enjoy a day off from visit as being good in itself, rather than just a recovery from the last visit. I’m almost there....I think! It’s really hard to build a life, a life alone, when we’re not really alone. It’s a weird sort of limbo. If you find a magic answer, let me know!
It’s lovely to hear you being so upbeat and, dare I say, happy .
I also love your new mantra, maybe have a few signs of it around the house to remind you when you you feel guilty or down.
Just a thought, does your wife only shout at you? If so, it might be like a child shouting or being mean to a parent, in that they are sure of, and secure in, that person’s love, so know they can let their emotions/frustrations out without fear. Underneath it all all your wife knows you love her no matter how she behaves. I hope that makes sense.
Wishing you continued enjoyment in finding ‘you’.
.I also love your new mantra, maybe have a few signs of it around the house to remind you when you you feel guilty or down.
Just a thought, does your wife only shout at you? If so, it might be like a child shouting or being mean to a parent, in that they are sure of, and secure in, that person’s love, so know they can let their emotions/frustrations out without fear. Underneath it all all your wife knows you love her no matter how she behaves. I hope that makes sense.
Wishing you continued enjoyment in finding ‘you’.
- Hi. It's now Friday evening. Several times this week I went to visit, including today. Each time was the same, either staring blankly answering questions with either yes or no, or randomly shouting LIAR, LIAR!! for, at least as far as i know, no apparent reason. It doesn't upset me any more. Not like it used to anyway. I now leave the home not feeling guilty or upset. But feeling better about myself, wondering what to do next or where to go. I can't do anything about my wife's dementia, i can go and see her but it only makes me feel worse. So, now when I walk away from the home I completely leave it behind. I don't mean to come over as mean or callous in any way. I'll never stop loving her, my feelings for her will never change but I've come to terms with the fact that she has now changed so much that she is no longer there. That sounds absolutely awful but to me that is how it seems. So for me the guilt has gone and in it's place is the feeling that my life must go on, i feel so much better now that I've come to terms with the way things are. God knows, for all i know l could well be in that same home ten years from now. So, from now on I'm going to try to live life and look forward. This could well be my last post on here, at least under this thread. It has served it's purpose for me and I hope others are encouraged to post here as it can be such a release sharing problems. I've still a long way to go but I feel so much stronger now. Some of you reading this post will probably be thinking there is never any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not out yet but I can see daylight, never give up, it can get better. All the best, Al60, 62 now but who's counting.
Al, I'll miss your posts with their blend of courage, irony, despair, hope.
Please, come back and tell us how things are going every now and then.
I wish you all you may desire.
Thank you for sharing with such honesty through the good and not so good times. It sounds like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you are now walking with a lighter step. Long may you feel positive. I hope you will return with a new thread to let us now how things are in your life.
You have been a big inspiration and comfort to me Al, I love your sense of humour and common sense approach. Thanks for sharing this part of your life, you will be missed! Your wife is safe and well cared for, all the best for your future.
Hi Al. Pleased to hear that you are feeling positive and planning to try to move on a bit. I don't know if its any comfort but my husband was awful for the first 6 months and I struggled with every visit. Mainly because I felt so guilty that I had to put him in care. Even though i had no choice the guilt has always been there. But after that first 6 months things were getting so much better and I now find the visits much easier. Having said that my husband did not direct his anger just at me it was everyone including the amazing staff. But he started to calm down and gradually got much
- Hi. It's now Friday evening. Several times this week I went to visit, including today. Each time was the same, either staring blankly answering questions with either yes or no, or randomly shouting LIAR, LIAR!! for, at least as far as i know, no apparent reason. It doesn't upset me any more. Not like it used to anyway. I now leave the home not feeling guilty or upset. But feeling better about myself, wondering what to do next or where to go. I can't do anything about my wife's dementia, i can go and see her but it only makes me feel worse. So, now when I walk away from the home I completely leave it behind. I don't mean to come over as mean or callous in any way. I'll never stop loving her, my feelings for her will never change but I've come to terms with the fact that she has now changed so much that she is no longer there. That sounds absolutely awful but to me that is how it seems. So for me the guilt has gone and in it's place is the feeling that my life must go on, i feel so much better now that I've come to terms with the way things are. God knows, for all i know l could well be in that same home ten years from now. So, from now on I'm going to try to live life and look forward. This could well be my last post on here, at least under this thread. It has served it's purpose for me and I hope others are encouraged to post here as it can be such a release sharing problems. I've still a long way to go but I feel so much stronger now. Some of you reading this post will probably be thinking there is never any light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not out yet but I can see daylight, never give up, it can get better. All the best, Al60, 62 now but who's counting
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easier to visit and although he hardly says a word, his head is now in a calm place and he seems to be settled and happy. So I hope you can enjoy being free and getting yourself better after the trauma you have been through. One day you will visit her, maybe not for a while, and find a different person I am sure. And when you do you will feel so much better and perhaps want to visit, even if it is only once or twice a week. I do wish you all the best and think this is the right thing to do. I am not sure I agree with the advice you were given but I am just a carer and I know all our loved ones are individuals and need to be helped accordingly. I was advised not to visit for 2 weeks by someone (but not by the people that were looking after him at the home.) To this day I will never know if it would have been better for me to visit from the start. I still cry at the thought that he must have felt so abandoned. I seem to remember that your wife's care people wanted you to go in a lot. We will never know will we, what's best. Best wishes Keep in touch. Love to you.xx
Hi. Just maybe one last post under this thread, i will continue posting. I'll keep it short ,honest. Thanks for the replies and encouragement, it helps. I'm still feeling a lot better about the,,,,,my,,, future, sounds selfish I know. Even now I often think I'm kidding myself about the way I feel, but I've got to stay strong. If I am kidding myselfabout the way things are at this moment then it's working. I've not been discouraged from visiting by the staff at this care home, quite the opposite in fact. I do know though that at weekends and evenings there are less staff available to step in if my oh gets annoyed, that's putting it mildly.And I also know that in time I will start to actually enjoy those visits. After all who would've thought I'd be feeling by now so positive. So, after a grumpy visit yesterday I'll try again now, only this time I'm going to take some eclairs with me, that sometimes smoothes the way, only sometimes though. It's ok, I'm wearing some old clothes this morning. I will be back soon, got some scans and tests coming up for her, I said I'd keep it short so that's it, im off to the home, now. I really am. Al
. Thanks for the replies and encouragement, it helps. I'm still feeling a lot better about the,,,,,my,,, future, sounds selfish I know. Even now I often think I'm kidding myself about the way I feel, but I've got to stay strong. If I am kidding myselfabout the way things are at this moment then it's working. I've not been discouraged from visiting by the staff at this care home, quite the opposite in fact. I do know though that at weekends and evenings there are less staff available to step in if my oh gets annoyed, that's putting it mildly.And I also know that in time I will start to actually enjoy those visits. After all who would've thought I'd be feeling by now so positive. So, after a grumpy visit yesterday I'll try again now, only this time I'm going to take some eclairs with me, that sometimes smoothes the way, only sometimes though. It's ok, I'm wearing some old clothes this morning. I will be back soon, got some scans and tests coming up for her, I said I'd keep it short so that's it, im off to the home, now. I really am. Al
If you do pop in and read this...can I add my good wishes? Yours was one of the first threads I read, when I first joined TP. I have loved your honesty, compassion and humour. I am so pleased you are coming through the hard times and I wish you all the best for the future.
Hi. Thank you, I've left a pack of four so she's got one a day. It wasn't easy leaving them
Al.
