just how do you keep your patience? I do try, but I find I get so angry with him just sitting there. He won’t read any more, he doesn’t like food that I cook, I get piles of washing every day. The bathroom is now so awful I feel so ashamed if someone else wants to use it. The carpet is stained. I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation about anything. I know it’s not his fault, I know he can’t help any of it, but I can’t help but get angry. This isn’t the man I have loved for over forty years. How do you all cope?
Patience needed
- Thread starter Mammajan
- Start date
By getting in help and not looking to my OH to supply my needs.
You sound exhausted. What help are you actually getting? It sounds like you could do with getting someone in to help with cleaning the house, getting help and advice from the continence clinic and trying to find someone (maybe a befriending/sitting service) to cover for a couple of hours on a regular basis to give you a break.
Apologies if you already do this.
You sound exhausted. What help are you actually getting? It sounds like you could do with getting someone in to help with cleaning the house, getting help and advice from the continence clinic and trying to find someone (maybe a befriending/sitting service) to cover for a couple of hours on a regular basis to give you a break.
Apologies if you already do this.
RIP the carpet out of the bathroom and put lino or tiles in. Buy Wee Away or one of the products for pets to remove the smell. Don't try to cook fancy dishes or make a big thing of meals. If he wants beans on toast or just bowls of soup - whatever it is keep it simple and give him that.
You need time to meet other people you can talk to so ask SS for a needs assessment for him and a carers assessment for you. Emphasise how difficult you are finding things. Dont be a martyr. You need a life too.
You need time to meet other people you can talk to so ask SS for a needs assessment for him and a carers assessment for you. Emphasise how difficult you are finding things. Dont be a martyr. You need a life too.
I don’t have any help. The doctor does not see that my husband is that bad! When he asks if hubby is well or how does he feel he always says he’s fine, no problems.is it possible to refer yourself to ss or does it have to come via the doctor, he seems to think I am strong enough to cope. He says it’s early days yet.
We have vinyl in the bathroom, but it is stained. I can’t just rip things up because we live in sheltered housing.
I do manage to leave the flat if my husband is asleep and talk to the next door neighbour and family try and visit. But not often enough . I get shopping delivered and try and tempt him to eat. He says he can’t be bothered to chew. All he wants to do is sleep.
We have vinyl in the bathroom, but it is stained. I can’t just rip things up because we live in sheltered housing.
I do manage to leave the flat if my husband is asleep and talk to the next door neighbour and family try and visit. But not often enough . I get shopping delivered and try and tempt him to eat. He says he can’t be bothered to chew. All he wants to do is sleep.
If he has had a diagnosis of dementia you should have already had a contact from SS. Phone the elderly care section of your local authority and ask for assessments to be done and take it from there. Your GP doesn't live with him so how does he know what you need. What a chump these guys are.
You can contact Social Services yourself - you dont have to go through your GP.
Contact them and ask for a needs assessment for your husband and a separate carers assessment for you. I am not sure if you can access the continence clinic yourself, or whether you need a referral from the GP.
Is your GP aware of all the problems that you are seeing or does he only know what your husband is telling him and not your side of the story? It is usual for people with dementia to not have any understanding of their problems and needs and say that they are fine. If this is the case, please make sure you tell the GP what is actually happening - write him a letter if you are unable to see him on your own. I know this feels like betrayal, but it is not - the doctors really, really need to know what is going on, for your husbands sake as well as yours. The symptoms you describe sound more advanced than early stages.
PS, problems with chewing and swallowing are common as dementia progresses. Tell the doctor about this too and he can refer you to the SALT (speech and language therepist) team, who are the experts in this sort of thing. In the meantime - go for soft things like shepherds pie, mashed potato etc that doesnt need chewing
Contact them and ask for a needs assessment for your husband and a separate carers assessment for you. I am not sure if you can access the continence clinic yourself, or whether you need a referral from the GP.
Is your GP aware of all the problems that you are seeing or does he only know what your husband is telling him and not your side of the story? It is usual for people with dementia to not have any understanding of their problems and needs and say that they are fine. If this is the case, please make sure you tell the GP what is actually happening - write him a letter if you are unable to see him on your own. I know this feels like betrayal, but it is not - the doctors really, really need to know what is going on, for your husbands sake as well as yours. The symptoms you describe sound more advanced than early stages.
PS, problems with chewing and swallowing are common as dementia progresses. Tell the doctor about this too and he can refer you to the SALT (speech and language therepist) team, who are the experts in this sort of thing. In the meantime - go for soft things like shepherds pie, mashed potato etc that doesnt need chewing
You're doing the right thing. Hang in there!
DO write to the GP or ask for phone call if you can talk out of earshot. AND say how you are feeling. If you get ill, NHS will have to pick up the caring that you do and it is cheaper to keep you well and your emotional wellbeing on an even keel.
Don’t understand. My doctor did memory tests ect and said he has vascular dementia, following on from the strokes and brain tumour removal. But there has been no mention of any help I could need or get. No mention of any medication available. I’m beginning to wonder where I’m going wrong.
I thought I had written this ! It is taking me a long time to get my head around the stranger I now live with - but I will make myself do it.
See if there is a Counselling 4 Carers option in your area - it helped me and you only pay what you feel you can afford..... stay on here, talk to us, we all help each other.... I sometimes feel I will die of boredom - and tiredness - but I do have my work which I do in a small wayin snatched moments at home..... Other will advise you - but you need to remember to be yourself in the middle of the chaos.....
I'm sure you are not going wrong anywhere. Some GPs are very proactive and others much less so and will just let you get on with it. But as others have said you can ring Social Services yourself and ask for an assessment, I did this for my mother. You can find their contact details by googling Adult Social Care and your area. They took about 3 weeks to come and do an assessment.
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