Just a rant, had enough today

[Whisperer]

I have similar feelings to yours in that I feel my mum is trying to get attention. She has vascular dementia and dad has cancer, dad and I went to hospital today for all his pre-op assessments, mum went to her day center. She says she doesn't want to go and sit there then says there's no one to talk to at home when I say she doesn't have to go.

She decided that dad and I were making it all up when we got back from the hospital and that she didn't know he has cancer, we've been going through this for 2 months now. She then started crying and saying it was her fault that he has cancer, no amount of explaining or distraction would work.

It's almost as if every time I ask dad if he's ok she starts something similar and crying. Dad's doing so well as he cares for mum she would sit in a chair and eat chocolate all day in dirty clothes if he wasn't there.

It's very difficult and I feel for both of them. I feel guilty because I feel annoyed by mum and what ever I try to help her she rails against and I feel guilty for leaving my dad and going back to my own home and teenage daughter, so he's left with mums confusion. I feel guilty for taking time off work to go to appointments with my parents and letting my colleagues take up the slack. I feel guilty for not being there all the time for my daughter.

I've twittered on far too long but want to thank anyone who's read it and let me have my rant, bless you all.

Hello again
You kindly replied to my rant earlier in the week. The man with the shrinking world. My concerns seem trivial compared to your own. Please rant away. It helped me maybe it will do the same for you this time. I do not know your mother and her behaviour is difficult but might be driven by anxiety. Your dad is going to be away for a while, treatment for cancer. On the surface your mum may not appear to appreciate what he is doing for her, but underneath real anxiety at his pending absence? You cannot really influence that. On a personal note you can ask the guilt monster to take a hike. You need to return home to your teenage daughter, someone who needs you in her own way. Work colleagues will pick up the slack if they are aware of what you are dealing with. The problem is you again feeling guilty about that support. Please cut yourself a little slack. Pot and kettle black with my own background I know, but you kindly answered my rant so let me now return the favour. Your dad must be under a lot of stress. Is there a small gift you could buy him for when he is in hospital eg a book to read he will enjoy. Your mum most likely can no longer do such a thing, but from you it may well be worth a great deal to him emotionally? Just a thought. Please stay strong.

 

[Gingercatlady]

Hello again
You kindly replied to my rant earlier in the week. The man with the shrinking world. My concerns seem trivial compared to your own. Please rant away. It helped me maybe it will do the same for you this time. I do not know your mother and her behaviour is difficult but might be driven by anxiety. Your dad is going to be away for a while, treatment for cancer. On the surface your mum may not appear to appreciate what he is doing for her, but underneath real anxiety at his pending absence? You cannot really influence that. On a personal note you can ask the guilt monster to take a hike. You need to return home to your teenage daughter, someone who needs you in her own way. Work colleagues will pick up the slack if they are aware of what you are dealing with. The problem is you again feeling guilty about that support. Please cut yourself a little slack. Pot and kettle black with my own background I know, but you kindly answered my rant so let me now return the favour. Your dad must be under a lot of stress. Is there a small gift you could buy him for when he is in hospital eg a book to read he will enjoy. Your mum most likely can no longer do such a thing, but from you it may well be worth a great deal to him emotionally? Just a thought. Please stay strong.

Thank you for your support. What you say makes so much sense when I read it. Your concerns are not trivial, they are yours and they are as important as anyone else's. We all have our worries and problems and whatever they are we all need support. I really felt for you and understand what you're saying when I read your post.

What you say about getting dad a gift is a great idea, I've got his new pyjamas and I'm washing them and some towels so they smell nice and fresh and homely for him in hospital and there are some other little things I am going to get him too.

The social services are visiting tomorrow to see what they can offer to help with mum and dad when he comes home.

I have been transparent with the bosses at work who are quite non-committal with advice about changing hours etc, my actual work colleagues on the whole are supportive, but it's the kind of work that relies on a team which is the bit that makes me feel guilty for not always being there.

It's all going round in my mind I suppose once things start to get organized it will calm down a bit. Dad's operation has been cancelled for Tuesday but we have to be ready to go when we get the call, so that is a unsettling in itself.

Anyway hope that you are finding some way to get out and about, and some things that give you space for yourself. Everyone says take care of yourself which sometimes can be hard to do, but we do need to. Take care and thanks again for your wise, supportive words.

 

[Whisperer]

Thank you for your support. What you say makes so much sense when I read it. Your concerns are not trivial, they are yours and they are as important as anyone else's. We all have our worries and problems and whatever they are we all need support. I really felt for you and understand what you're saying when I read your post.

What you say about getting dad a gift is a great idea, I've got his new pyjamas and I'm washing them and some towels so they smell nice and fresh and homely for him in hospital and there are some other little things I am going to get him too.

The social services are visiting tomorrow to see what they can offer to help with mum and dad when he comes home.

I have been transparent with the bosses at work who are quite non-committal with advice about changing hours etc, my actual work colleagues on the whole are supportive, but it's the kind of work that relies on a team which is the bit that makes me feel guilty for not always being there.

It's all going round in my mind I suppose once things start to get organized it will calm down a bit. Dad's operation has been cancelled for Tuesday but we have to be ready to go when we get the call, so that is a unsettling in itself.

Anyway hope that you are finding some way to get out and about, and some things that give you space for yourself. Everyone says take care of yourself which sometimes can be hard to do, but we do need to. Take care and thanks again for your wise, supportive words.

Dear Gingercatlady you are more than welcome. Today my surgery date has been confirmed with my sister getting me to then later out of hospital. Getting the date confirmed was a great weight lifted. I had not appreciated how much it had been playing on my mind until the date was confirmed. Washing the pyjamas and towels for your dad so they smell fresh and homely for your dad is a great idea. I would not have thought todo that, perhaps the differed between a male and female outlook? Good move I will
remember should I ever have to take mum into hospital in the future. Hope your dad’s date is settled soon. Best wishes for that.

 

[Gingercatlady]

Dear Gingercatlady you are more than welcome. Today my surgery date has been confirmed with my sister getting me to then later out of hospital. Getting the date confirmed was a great weight lifted. I had not appreciated how much it had been playing on my mind until the date was confirmed. Washing the pyjamas and towels for your dad so they smell fresh and homely for your dad is a great idea. I would not have thought todo that, perhaps the differed between a male and female outlook? Good move I will
remember should I ever have to take mum into hospital in the future. Hope your dad’s date is settled soon. Best wishes for that.

Hello there,
Dad had his surgery yesterday it was all a bit last minute, it was a long operation and he was in high dependency but today he's done so well he's been moved to a general ward. I'm off to see him in a little while.

Mum is staying with me and the social worker has arranged some day care at a center just Monday Wednesday and fridays til 1 pm they were trying to get a sitter to come in but can't. I've been to the doctor and have been signed off for 2 weeks with stress, so at least I'm able to look after mum. She's a worry wandering about wondering where dad is, where her clothes as are, etc. We get up very early (5am). I didn't realise what my dad was going through and I feel guilty because he was dealing with his own demons (cancer).

I don't know how long this will continue, but on we go.

I hope your surgery goes well and that you take care to make sure you are fit and well enough to continue your caring duties before you launch back in. Caring is very demanding and I salute anyone who has been or is a carer.

Just a thought, make sure you take some of your favourite authors with you to hospital. Let me know how you get on

 

[Whisperer]

Hello there,
Dad had his surgery yesterday it was all a bit last minute, it was a long operation and he was in high dependency but today he's done so well he's been moved to a general ward. I'm off to see him in a little while.

Mum is staying with me and the social worker has arranged some day care at a center just Monday Wednesday and fridays til 1 pm they were trying to get a sitter to come in but can't. I've been to the doctor and have been signed off for 2 weeks with stress, so at least I'm able to look after mum. She's a worry wandering about wondering where dad is, where her clothes as are, etc. We get up very early (5am). I didn't realise what my dad was going through and I feel guilty because he was dealing with his own demons (cancer).

I don't know how long this will continue, but on we go.

I hope your surgery goes well and that you take care to make sure you are fit and well enough to continue your caring duties before you launch back in. Caring is very demanding and I salute anyone who has been or is a carer.

Just a thought, make sure you take some of your favourite authors with you to hospital. Let me know how you get on

Dear Gingercatlady. Robert Goddard latest already in the bag. In reality I will initially be having a chat with my sister whilst waiting for surgery at the hospital. That awkward conversation about handing over if anything goes wrong. The surgery is relatively straightforward but caring for my mum has now moved out of the foot hills. Anything ever happened to me my sister would need to know where we are at beyond generalities. Eighteen months ago I would never have thought about such matters, but a caring role just develops at a slowly increasing pace. It gets to influence just about all of your thoughts. You have to be practical in all situations.

Good news about your dad. Your mum’s reaction would indicate there is very real anxiety for her on that point, regardless of what she might have said and done previously towards him. The two weeks signed off will help you deal with mum, but use some of the time to review the future. Your dad will return home but you have now seen what he is dealing with. Try and pursue the day centre on an ongoing basis, not sure regarding your mum’s views but some type of professional care visits may have to be arranged. She may disagree initially but a battle you may have to try and push through. Your dad may now get a new lease of energy, but also remember the demands on him will only grow. You have work and a daughter in your equation as regards how much you can support him. Accept you have limits, your heart may say you can do more but reality and your health suffering will most likely push back against you in the future. Dementia is a cruel illness, emotionallly draining, but better to consider the future whilst you have some time to do so. Importantly clarify what your dad thinks now he has had his surgery and some time away in hospital. He maybe ready to jump back into the carer role, or deep down he may be needing more support but not knowing how to say so without feeling he is letting your mum down. Human emotions run deep in all of us. You know him best. Be guided by a sense of realism. Wish I could be more to help beyond offering food for thought. I speak to people here, share ideas, but ultimately that is all. If I ever end up washing a new night dress to take my mum to hospital I will remember you at that time. Keep well.

 

[Cazzita]

'but a caring role just develops at a slowly increasing pace. It gets to influence just about all of your thoughts. You have to be practical in all situations.'

This is so true @Whisperer and I just can't believe how much of my life is completely and utterly taken over by this role. I am shattered, constantly, and sick and tired of it all already and mum is only 'moderate.' Good luck to everyone in a caring role and all that you are going through as well as those PWD who are suffering too x

 

[Gingercatlady]

Dear Gingercatlady. Robert Goddard latest already in the bag. In reality I will initially be having a chat with my sister whilst waiting for surgery at the hospital. That awkward conversation about handing over if anything goes wrong. The surgery is relatively straightforward but caring for my mum has now moved out of the foot hills. Anything ever happened to me my sister would need to know where we are at beyond generalities. Eighteen months ago I would never have thought about such matters, but a caring role just develops at a slowly increasing pace. It gets to influence just about all of your thoughts. You have to be practical in all situations.

Good news about your dad. Your mum’s reaction would indicate there is very real anxiety for her on that point, regardless of what she might have said and done previously towards him. The two weeks signed off will help you deal with mum, but use some of the time to review the future. Your dad will return home but you have now seen what he is dealing with. Try and pursue the day centre on an ongoing basis, not sure regarding your mum’s views but some type of professional care visits may have to be arranged. She may disagree initially but a battle you may have to try and push through. Your dad may now get a new lease of energy, but also remember the demands on him will only grow. You have work and a daughter in your equation as regards how much you can support him. Accept you have limits, your heart may say you can do more but reality and your health suffering will most likely push back against you in the future. Dementia is a cruel illness, emotionallly draining, but better to consider the future whilst you have some time to do so. Importantly clarify what your dad thinks now he has had his surgery and some time away in hospital. He maybe ready to jump back into the carer role, or deep down he may be needing more support but not knowing how to say so without feeling he is letting your mum down. Human emotions run deep in all of us. You know him best. Be guided by a sense of realism. Wish I could be more to help beyond offering food for thought. I speak to people here, share ideas, but ultimately that is all. If I ever end up washing a new night dress to take my mum to hospital I will remember you at that time. Keep well.

Good to hear that your surgery is scheduled I hope it goes well. I've had a long day got woke up by mum at 4 am. Been to the hospital and dad is doing well.

I hope your sister gives you the support and help you need both for yourself and your mum. Remember that you will need to rest and recuperate after your operation, Take care