It's driving me mad!!!

shaz574

Registered User
May 17, 2008
12
0
Bristol
I know this is a common problem, but it really is driving me up the wall. My mum (who lives with me) keeps asking the same questions over and over again. They are.....

Wheres mum? I must go and find her! (she died 13 years ago)

Why havn't I heard from Fred, I havn't seen him for ages. (he,s her uncle and died 12 years ago)

Shes also keeping on asking about the house she gave up to come and live with me, she keeps saying she wants to go back (not possible, but very tempting :rolleyes:)

While I'm writing this I'm thinking how trivial this sounds and shouldn't really be a problem, but it really is driving me mad. She asks atleast 10 or 15 times a day, each time swearing i've never told her any of it before. I feel so sorry for her not remembering, I can't even begin to think how hard this is for her, but its so frustrating for me, having to say the same thing over and over again. It wouldn't be so bad if she believed me when I tell her she knows everything, but she accuses me of lying to her, then I get angry and shout, then feel so guilty.

I know i'm not handling the situation very well, and I don't think I ever will, I havn't got the patience for it (I'm alot like my mum was when my nan had alzheimers, she couldn't cope, but atleast she had my dad and me for support, she eventually got my nan into a care home). I don't get any support from my brother, he thinks if he doesn't face it then it isn't happening.

I'm thinking of just leaving, not telling anyone where I am. Let them see what its like, with her moods and aggression, the loss of freedoom and not being able to live your own life. As i'm writing this she,s going on about how useless I am, how she wishes my sister (who died in May) would come home from her holiday so she doesn,t have to be with me anymore.

I'm sorry I went off my original subject and I hope I don't sound like a hard, selfish person, I am trying to do my best, I just don't know what the best is anymore.

As you can probably tell I'm having a feel really sorry for myself day:eek:. Thanks for listening, its good to just get it off my chest.
 

Kazzette

Registered User
Sep 11, 2008
30
0
the other house

Hi Shaz. My Mum always wanted to go to the other house and to the nice daughter, me. The houses were the same but there were two mees. One afternoon she sat on the stairs for hours with her coat and shoes on waiting to go 'home'. Many times I wanted to leave her with my siblings and disappear. The way I got around it was distraction and to tell myself that she wasn't responsible for her behaviour and tried to imagine how frightening it must be for her. I learn't to join her world and create excuses which most times sufficed. I wished I had found tp earlier it would have been wonderful support. Don't be too hard on yourself we ALL react and feel guilty.
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
0
Suffolk,England
Oh Shaz

I could have written most of that a year ago, with a few minor changes. I don't have any answers for you I'm afraid, but just thought I'd chip in to say that you are certainly not the only one to feel the way you do (including feeling that you're not coping very well - no one feels they are 'coping well') I didn't have any patience either.

Sympathy & empathy ...
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
I've got a lot of patience, but it can wear thin , when my mother can not retain any more information so keeps asking the same question.

How do I cope

Mum go to day center 5 days , so I only get the sundowning

Then I take respite , mum go to respite Care home when I know that my patience is wearing thin.

I'm thinking of just leaving, not telling anyone where I am. Let them see what its like, with her moods and aggression, the loss of freedoom and not being able to live your own life.

I'm thinking of just leaving,

Thats a warning sigh that your stress levels are running high you need a break

Wondering what care packet you have in place to give you time out just for you
 

Lanie

Registered User
Aug 31, 2008
293
0
Surrey
It sounds like you need to ask for help, so you can get some time for yourself. My Mum also repeats the same questions and accuses me on regular basis of not telling her things, shouts at me. I find it hard to, this disease is draining for everyone and its no wonder we snap, we're only human and can only take so much, get some help before you make yourself ill, your Mum doesn't really mean it, its the disease not her, its hard but try to remember that, I'm having to remind myself frequently.
We're all doing are best.

Lanie
 

BeckyJan

Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
18,971
0
Derbyshire
Hello:
Many of us will understand your feelings of frustration. It is hard to live with. My husband is the same, asking the same questions over and over again. His confusion is hard to live with!

You have not said how much help you are getting from Social S. or your Mental Health Team. You must plead for more help and get yourself some 'time out'. You are allowed this. Let us know how much involvement you have with these services and I am sure more advice will come your way.

Dont give up - there should be help around.

Love Jan
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
Hello Shaz

I can`t say much to make it better except that so many of us would agree with you 100%. The repeated questions are enough to drive anyone up the wall.

My husband is just the same with his conviction the members of his family who will have died long ago, are still alive and waiting for him. He becomes exasperated with me if I doubt his word so I am now beginning to realize it is much easier to go along with whatever he says.

When you feel you can`t take any more, just leave the house and walk round the block. When your mother complains to you, try not to answer, walk from the room, go and have a bath.

It is not trivial at all. It is so wearing, irritating, frustrating, and an absolute pain to live with. We all know it is the illness but it doesn`t help at all.

Take care xx
 

salacious

Registered User
May 25, 2008
62
0
west midlands
chin up

shaz, i think everyone goes through what ur going through with just not being able to take it anymore. and i wouldnt feel guilty, although ppl saying you shouldnt feel guilty cant take the guilt away. as for getting angry, i think everyone does it, out of frustration.

dont take any notice of what ur mom is saying with regards to your sister, im sure she doesnt mean it, i guess thats just one of the horrible things that comes from this disease.

as for your brother im going through the same with my sister, she doesnt wanna see it either and that is frustrating too, plus it puts a lot of pressure on you.

my advice is that if u feel urself getting angry just remove urself from the situation, go and do something else for a few minutes to compose yourself.

dont worry about going on a 'rant', were all here to listen to you and hopefully make you feel better. thats what support is all about.

thinking of you at this time.

sara x
 

Margaret W

Registered User
Apr 28, 2007
3,720
0
North Derbyshire
Hi Shaz

Hang on in there! I know you will. You will not walk away from it, but you do need to make sure you have all the help you are entitled to. See the GP and make sure s/he knows how hard it is for you. Anger and frustration are things we all go through, don't feel guilty about those feelings. But it does seem as if you need some emotional support. Try your local Alzheimer's society if you have one, they are generally great at supporting carers.

Try to arrange some care so that you can get a break for a few hours. Let us know how you get on.

Love

Margaret
 

Taffy

Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
1,314
0
Dear Shaz,

It's very difficult answering the same questions over and over again only to be accused of lying. Mum used to always ask for her mum who had died in 1986 I soon learnt not to tell her that her mum had died as she then would think that deliberately she hadn't been told or it must of just happened. Mum always asked to go home also, so I just fabricated answers, more times than not it worked in my favour.

I'm pretty easy going and patient so from that point it was easier for me but at times even my patience frayed. You obviously have great inner strength and are honest about your feelings and no way are you selfish.

You have received some good advice from other replies so I hope that you can get some relief I think if your mum can go into respite that would be a good break for you, lessen your stress and enable you to see things more clearly. Just remember you can only ask of yourself to do your best and if things are not working out, then it's not your fault, it's just beyond your control. Caring Thoughts, Taffy.
 

daughter

Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
824
0
Hi Shaz574,

Did you manage to get your Mum to the GP as you mentioned on your previous post?

http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/talkingpoint/discuss/showthread.php?p=152508#post152508

We got Dad to the doctors by saying it was just for a check up, I believe he may have thought it was something to do with getting his driving licence renewed. It is horrible to have to pretend but it is very necessary when things are getting so bad.

It sounds like you really need to get some practical support via your doctor, Social Services or Alzheimer's society, and that would include a break from the constant questions.

Best wishes,
 

Rosalind

Registered User
Jul 2, 2005
203
0
Wiltshire
You really must get all the help there is going. I fear many people adopt a 'mustn't grumble' approach when social workers etc make assessments. You MUST tell them just how desperate you feel, and also go to your local carers group to see what they have to say. I did, and was told that they were there for me, not the sufferer.

Respite care, and things like befrienders who will take your mum off your hands for a while will make things more bearable. And if, when you get some me time, you can make yourself take vigorous exercise (not something I had ever wished to do, I can assure you) it really does help relieve stress.

Go to your GP, Social Services, CPN, anyone and tell them like it is, including your urge to run away.

We are not all saints. I look at the efforts people on this site make to keep their loved ones at home with admiration, but I could not do it. The day the CPN said perhaps the time had come to look to setting up residential care I could have hugged her.

As for the constant repetition, while it is very tempting to snap back 'the same as last time I told you' that may well only cause anger and frustration, which long term does not help.

Rosalind
 

SkiTTish

Registered User
Sep 13, 2008
104
0
I promise it gets easier ,honestly !
I even got so good at hearing the same thing over and over and being able to feign such interest that even a passer by would believe I was hearing it for the first time ;)
I actually miss mums questions as she doesnt really talk now :(
 

pebble

Registered User
Apr 18, 2008
57
0
The Borders, Scotland
Shaz
Very sorry to hear of your problems. Like you I lost my sister in the middle of my Mum's illness. It is a very lonely business and I am thinking of you. Pebble
 

Luca

Registered User
Jul 9, 2008
49
0
Sutton Coldfield.
Hello. I have the same from my husband - he is also driving me mad and its all about money, insurance driving etc. I really shout and I feel dreadful. I read the threads on line and try to put some of the idesa into practic, but it is difficult. I find that if I take B shopping or out for a walk he is better [he dose start again when we get home] but for a while it is like it was, as we talk about the trees and the flowers. I know I am not much use, but keep using TP. Luca
 

shaz574

Registered User
May 17, 2008
12
0
Bristol
Thank you

I just want to say thank you all for your support and advice, it means a lot.:)

At the moment there isn't a care plan in place for mum, I did manage to get her to the doctor, and he said he would get the nurse who deals with elderly issues to contact me (nothing yet though), I've been phoning and leaving messages but i'm beginning to think this nurse is a figment of the doctors imagination:rolleyes:

I would love for mum to go to a day care centre so I could have a break and time to see my friends (without mum in tow) but I honestly don't think she,d go, she,s so stubborn. My sister-in-law has tried to take her out a couple of times, but shes refused to go, so she doesn't offer any more. She won't go anywhere without me and won't let me go anywhere without her, I feel like a child again not being allowed out on my own :eek:
 

Lanie

Registered User
Aug 31, 2008
293
0
Surrey
Hi

Have you contacted you local Alzheimers society you'll find them very supportive. You can contact social services yourself. In many area's they have sitting services as well. I think you need to get some help, even if it only gives you an afternoon a week.

Good luck

Lanie
 

daughter

Registered User
Mar 16, 2005
824
0
Keep trying the nurse! Getting your Mum to go to day care might be tricky. Perhaps you could go with her, just for a visit, first of all. You did manage to get her to the doctor in the end! The nurse should be able to help you in this because they understand a lot of people are reluctant to go. You never know, eventually your Mum may even come to enjoy all the attention and activities.

Instead of taking your Mum out, could your sister-in-law visit once in a while? Would you feel ok about asking her over for a cuppa? With another person around it may take some of the pressure off for a while.

Best wishes,
 

cakie

Registered User
Sep 29, 2008
6
0
Hello. Am new to this site and was looking for advise on how to deal with the continuous questions aswell!! My dad appears to be in the later stages of dementia, judging by information I have read (this has not been diagnosed due to a certain amount of denial on my mum's part and lack of help from the GP). Like other sufferers he continually asks 'where am I?' 'how old am I?' and where his parents and siblings are (all long since dead.)How should we answer these direct questions? If we go along with saying these relatives are still alive, how would this square with the fact he is 86 and has children and grandchildren of his own? Or doesn't it really matter? He becomes quite distressed when told the truth. Any advice greatly appreciated.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,442
0
Hi Cakie and welcome to Talking Point (TP)

As you've read this is very common. Although you have to do what you feel comfortable with the kindest thing is do whatever leads to the least distress, even if that means you have to stretch your comfort zone. Don't forget - logic is one of the victims of dementia. Often people have no problem accepting that they have grandchildren while at the same time believing that their parents are living. If you've tried telling the truth and it's upsetting your father (not everyone is upset by the truthful answer - my mother wasn't) then prevarication is the name of the game: change the subject if possible, resort to half-truths ("I don't know where they are") or simply lie ("They're on holiday/at work etc").