Just a rant, had enough today

fortune

Registered User
Sep 12, 2014
146
0
Mum's in later stage, generally friendly but... I am going on holiday with other half on Monday, live-in carer for a week for mum then a few days in the lovely new care home just down the road that she loves. Except she's told everyone she hates it, and told me she loves it. Yesterday she went silent and unresponsive when I told her the plan then spent half an hour talking about my awful and completely invisible sister who hasn't visited for 8 months or even bothered to phone in the last two months.Rushing round yesterday trying to get everything sorted for the holiday, popped round to check all well and greeted by a full on 'poonamy'. It is all over the toilet, all over the corridor floor, on the bedroom carpet, all over the bed, streaked all over mum, on the kitchen chair, deeply ingrained in fingernails and on soles of shoes etc etc. I cleared it all up, showered and redressed her, all the time frantically clock-watching because of various appointments I had to get to. Today I just feel like I don't want to do this any more. I can deal with the poo, I can deal with everything but not with what feels like her 'guilt-tripping' me over my holiday. I just feel so resentful. It's not pretty but it is how I feel.
 

sue_1

Registered User
Mar 29, 2017
91
0
Bristol
I am so sorry but I had a bit of a giggle at “ poonamy” what a great way to describe it. On a serious note, how awful to walk into this I do know how you feel when this happens something I am dealing with way to often these days. My post can not offer any help but I would like to wish you a wonderful holiday
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
I empathize as I had a few days away last month and my wife accused me of going to stay with another woman. Of course, no level of explaining what was happening helped. She wasnt too happy when I said the same would be happening next year.

I didn’t let it guilt trip me though as the truth is that we need respite to help ensure the wellbeing of both ourselves and our loved ones.

I hope you enjoy your break and come back refreshed for your continuing caring role.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
321
0
I feel for you! I've felt like this every holiday since 2010. I am just so stressed by the "what if's" and the instructions and plan B's ,I don't want to go. BUT, it was always worth every second. You are going!, and best bit is, there's unlikely to be another poonamy on that scale until you get back! Just breathe and enjoy your freedom, then book the next one when you get back. How else can we get through this with our sanity intact?
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,962
0
Kent
Amidst the angst of your post...what a good description.. poonamy! Try to have a good time and rest while you are away...you have earned and deserved the break.
 

Gingercatlady

Registered User
Aug 7, 2017
39
0
I have similar feelings to yours in that I feel my mum is trying to get attention. She has vascular dementia and dad has cancer, dad and I went to hospital today for all his pre-op assessments, mum went to her day center. She says she doesn't want to go and sit there then says there's no one to talk to at home when I say she doesn't have to go.

She decided that dad and I were making it all up when we got back from the hospital and that she didn't know he has cancer, we've been going through this for 2 months now. She then started crying and saying it was her fault that he has cancer, no amount of explaining or distraction would work.

It's almost as if every time I ask dad if he's ok she starts something similar and crying. Dad's doing so well as he cares for mum she would sit in a chair and eat chocolate all day in dirty clothes if he wasn't there.

It's very difficult and I feel for both of them. I feel guilty because I feel annoyed by mum and what ever I try to help her she rails against and I feel guilty for leaving my dad and going back to my own home and teenage daughter, so he's left with mums confusion. I feel guilty for taking time off work to go to appointments with my parents and letting my colleagues take up the slack. I feel guilty for not being there all the time for my daughter.

I've twittered on far too long but want to thank anyone who's read it and let me have my rant, bless you all.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
321
0
I have similar feelings to yours in that I feel my mum is trying to get attention. She has vascular dementia and dad has cancer, dad and I went to hospital today for all his pre-op assessments, mum went to her day center. She says she doesn't want to go and sit there then says there's no one to talk to at home when I say she doesn't have to go.

She decided that dad and I were making it all up when we got back from the hospital and that she didn't know he has cancer, we've been going through this for 2 months now. She then started crying and saying it was her fault that he has cancer, no amount of explaining or distraction would work.

It's almost as if every time I ask dad if he's ok she starts something similar and crying. Dad's doing so well as he cares for mum she would sit in a chair and eat chocolate all day in dirty clothes if he wasn't there.

It's very difficult and I feel for both of them. I feel guilty because I feel annoyed by mum and what ever I try to help her she rails against and I feel guilty for leaving my dad and going back to my own home and teenage daughter, so he's left with mums confusion. I feel guilty for taking time off work to go to appointments with my parents and letting my colleagues take up the slack. I feel guilty for not being there all the time for my daughter.

I've twittered on far too long but want to thank anyone who's read it and let me have my rant, bless you all.
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
321
0
@Gingercatlady I'm just posting a sympathy post. From the outside it looks though you need to request a care needs assessment, step back and say to social services that your mum's needs are beyond what you and your dad can meet, and she needs residential care? You have a job and your daughter needs you now. I do hope your dad is Ok, what a stressful time for you all.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
@Gingercatlady I'm just posting a sympathy post. From the outside it looks though you need to request a care needs assessment, step back and say to social services that your mum's needs are beyond what you and your dad can meet, and she needs residential care? You have a job and your daughter needs you now. I do hope your dad is Ok, what a stressful time for you all.
I second that. Good wishes @Gingercatlady .
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
@Gingercatlady
It awful when they have so little understanding of their own needs that they will veto any help. yet they know deep down inside that Something Is not Right and assume that any talk is about them. Her world is diminishing, all she can see are her own wants and desires and will have no understanding that her husband is ill. She also wont remember being told that her husband has cancer and each time you tell her will be like the very first time. There is no point in trying to explain and I would be inclined to not tell her that he has cancer again. Use love lies to get you and her over it.

I agree with Norfolk Cherry and Marionq - contact Social Services and explain that it is urgent as he has cancer.
 

fortune

Registered User
Sep 12, 2014
146
0
Thank you everyone for your replies. Good news is I am one day nearer the holiday. Middling news is I haven't really to been able to do the right thing and just bury the resentment. Bad news is grade 1 poonami again this morning! Is she doing this on purpose? Surely not...
 

Gingercatlady

Registered User
Aug 7, 2017
39
0
@Gingercatlady
It awful when they have so little understanding of their own needs that they will veto any help. yet they know deep down inside that Something Is not Right and assume that any talk is about them. Her world is diminishing, all she can see are her own wants and desires and will have no understanding that her husband is ill. She also wont remember being told that her husband has cancer and each time you tell her will be like the very first time. There is no point in trying to explain and I would be inclined to not tell her that he has cancer again. Use love lies to get you and her over it.

I agree with Norfolk Cherry and Marionq - contact Social Services and explain that it is urgent as he has cancer.
 

Gingercatlady

Registered User
Aug 7, 2017
39
0
Thank you for your words and advice, social services are visiting on Monday, dad's operation has been postponed at the moment but we've been advised to be ready to go when we get the call.
 

fortune

Registered User
Sep 12, 2014
146
0
Possible TMI warning...I know that Alzheimer's destroys the neural connections and this includes the pathways through to the physical body eg all sufferers eventually become unable to walk, lose the ability to speak etc. Am wondering if mum has lost the ability to sense when the poo is 'over', ie safely in the toilet (rather than on the floor all ready to be stepped in). Maybe she just can't properly feel what's going on. It seems like she is getting up off the loo too early.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Possible TMI warning...I know that Alzheimer's destroys the neural connections and this includes the pathways through to the physical body eg all sufferers eventually become unable to walk, lose the ability to speak etc. Am wondering if mum has lost the ability to sense when the poo is 'over', ie safely in the toilet (rather than on the floor all ready to be stepped in). Maybe she just can't properly feel what's going on. It seems like she is getting up off the loo too early.
Or possibly has forgotten that she has to sit down
 

mumsgone

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
924
0
To all of you in the position of caring for a loved one never ever feel guilty for taking a break whether it be a few hours a day or a full on holiday, you need to look after yourselves as well as the loved one you care for. Nobody understands the shock i think is the best word of looking after someone with az/dementia until they have actually done it. It is hard work both physically and mentally so i repeat never ever feel guilty for taking a break xx
 

Cazzita

Registered User
May 12, 2018
617
0
Good message @mumsgone as it seems we all do feel that awful guilt at times but damn it, we shouldn't as we are giving everything we have and it's so draining and bloody hard at times. Make the most of any break or rest you get - you deserve and need it :) x