Please don't throw me away, breaking my promise

[kindred]

Here I am folks, on a very wet, cold and grey day here in the South West. Just back from Keith and the nursing home mob ...
On arrival in the residents' area, one of the residents called me across and whispered, could you bring me in a bottle of whisky? So I said yes of course, I'm going up the co-op tomorrow. She gave a big smile and then called me back and whispered, could you make it three bottles ... She has travelled a lot, this resident, so I bring her in the travel supplements from the newspapers and she can recognise the countries.
Keith full of smiles, lovely, so I sat with him for a while and listened and I notice how skilfully he is avoiding using nouns, by talking in generalisations all the time, or stopping at the point where the noun would be. I wonder how I can specifically address this, or whether it's even possible now. Will have a think. I remember using a baby objects book with him several years ago (at his request).
On way to getting K and me a cup of tea, travelling resident calls me over again and whispers
Johnny Walkers is the best ...
Have nice cup of tea and travelling resident starts walking around and finds a huge straw hat which she plonks on my head. So always up for it, I pose with it on AND THEN one of the residents who is usually very dour now gave me his loveliest, gentlest smile and nodded at me and the hat ... Oh the power of sudden things and props like this.
So I go round to show Keith who says loudly Oh, it's all too likely ...
Great time all round this morning, as one of the nurses sings a lot, we are family ...
Oh and I taught them the song THE BEAR WENT OVER THE MOUNTAIN and a couple of the nurses started doing a marine yomping to it round the lounge!!
Back on Monday guys as church tomorrow.
Thank you so much for another week of being with me. Love and best, Geraldine aka Kindredxxxx

 

[nitram]

I sat with him for a while and listened and
by talking in generalisations all the time, or stopping at the point where the noun would be. I wonder how I can specifically address this, or whether it's even possible now. Will have a think.

Sadly I don't think you will have much success as all dementias are progressive.
My wife started by using the pronoun 'that' and progressed to virtually any word, not necessarily a noun.
Slowly the problem extended to other parts of speech until she could not verbalise.

I notice how skilfully he is avoiding using nouns

I find this interesting, although I was not analysing her speech I noticed a devious approach to other events. Schemes could be implemented on the fly as structuring a sentence has to be.

 

[Amble]

Geraldine, It doesn't surprise me that your 'nom de plume' is Kindred. It is so clear that you go out of your way to be that, not only to Keith but to all with whom you come in contact.


Thoughtfulness

It seems some
people have a way
That very few possess-
A way of being gracious,
With special thoughtfulness,
A way of giving all they do
A warm and loving touch,
By sharing acts of kindness
That mean so very much.
It seems some people
touch our lives
In all they say and do-
Very valued people,
People just like you

(poached from I know not where!)

 

[kindred]

Sadly I don't think you will have much success as all dementias are progressive.
My wife started by using the pronoun 'that' and progressed to virtually any word, not necessarily a noun.
Slowly the problem extended to other parts of speech until she could not verbalise.

I find this interesting, although I was not analysing her speech I noticed a devious approach to other events. Schemes could be implemented on the fly as structuring a sentence has to be.

Back in the day,
linguistics formed part of my work, a fascinating part. It is so good to hear from you. No, I don't think I'll have much success and I blame myself for not noticing this much much earlier. Yes, about the devious approach, the brain has a strange way of compensating ...Again, back in the day, I studied Luria: the man with half a brain (still studied I gather), about a Russian soldier who lost half his brain in the war and the psychiatrist who made a life study of the way the remaining brain compensated.
Keith can't point to what he wants so I fear much of what he gets, if you see what I mean, is the interpretation of others as to what he wants. I guess this is inevitable. Keith can use generalised nouns such as problems or difficulties or solutions. But never anything specific. Will keep at it, just for a while. And make it a real mission to do that with other residents. Thank you so much, greatly appreciated. Warmest, kindred aka geraldinex

 

[kindred]

Geraldine, It doesn't surprise me that your 'nom de plume' is Kindred. It is so clear that you go out of your way to be that, not only to Keith but to all with whom you come in contact. Oh that is such a beautiful thing to say, thank you. I think Kindred is such a beautiful word. Back in the day, Keith and I, as a hobby, used to run a community studio and called it Kindred Studios. That is so kind, and what a lovely, lovely poem. I love the word gracious. I love the definition of courage as grace under pressure.
And thank you so so much for the bolded up people just like you. I have found that sometimes I go to Keith's home feeling a bit low and sad (I did today, weather getting to me I think), and only putting myself fully into what is going on will transform that mood, so the residents and nurses help me so much by their love and companionship, and the same to you, it's so good to hear from you. with love, GeraldinexxxKindred.


Thoughtfulness

It seems some
people have a way
That very few possess-
A way of being gracious,
With special thoughtfulness,
A way of giving all they do
A warm and loving touch,
By sharing acts of kindness
That mean so very much.
It seems some people
touch our lives
In all they say and do-
Very valued people,
People just like you

(poached from I know not where!)

Oh Oh

 

[nitram]

Keith can use generalised nouns such as problems or difficulties or solutions. But never anything specific.

Specificity involves recall - .things or names.
Recall is strange.
If you surveyed 'oldies' (no definition but maybe 80+) I think you will find that, for instance, when talking about a plant to a neighbour they where unable to remember it's name and later the also 'oldie' neighbour would not be surprised to get an email with one word 'delphinium' is par for the course.
What triggers recall? No idea, it just happens.
How the brain works is fascinating.

.

 

[Lindy50]

Thanks for an inspiring post again @kindred
Language and its usage is indeed fascinating. I have a ‘phrase completion’ activity that I do with Mum (quick as a.....flash, dry as a.....bone - that kind of thing). All the old phrases of course. Yet she can’t express her needs or send her love to anyone by name, eg says occasionally “remember me to ‘the others’ “.....
And even at 68, I know that my word recall isn’t what it was twenty years ago.
Have a good day tomorrow
Lindy xx

 

[kindred]

Specificity involves recall - .things or names.
Recall is strange.
If you surveyed 'oldies' (no definition but maybe 80+) I think you will find that, for instance, when talking about a plant to a neighbour they where unable to remember it's name and later the also 'oldie' neighbour would not be surprised to get an email with one word 'delphinium' is par for the course.
What triggers recall? No idea, it just happens.
How the brain works is fascinating.

.

Oh yes, isn't it. Thank you. I remember the Queen in an interview years ago said when she cannot remember a name, she thinks of the most unlikely name and the actual name is then recalled. This really works, give it a try! warmest, thankyou, Geraldine

 

[kindred]

Thanks for an inspiring post again @kindred
Language and its usage is indeed fascinating. I have a ‘phrase completion’ activity that I do with Mum (quick as a.....flash, dry as a.....bone - that kind of thing). All the old phrases of course. Yet she can’t express her needs or send her love to anyone by name, eg says occasionally “remember me to ‘the others’ “.....
And even at 68, I know that my word recall isn’t what it was twenty years ago.
Have a good day tomorrow
Lindy xx

Lindy, thank you. Yes, that phrase completion is great, I am always astonished how successful it is when the nurses do it at Keith's home. And that is so lovely about remember me to the others. I love to hear how old phrases have kind of morphed these days. I notice that kettle of fish has become cuttle fish when the young say it and loose cannon has become loose canyon ... with love and thankyou! Geraldinexx

 

[Sad Staffs]

@kindred,
dear Geraldine
Another wonderful heart warming post yesterday which I have just read.
I hope it will be possible, but I would like to come to stay with Keith and the other wonderful mixture of residents, so that I can take part, have fun, and sing, and dance when you visit.
But my order is for Jamesons Irish whisky, please. I think 3 bottles should just about be enough.
With much love, B xx

 

[kindred]

@kindred,
dear Geraldine
Another wonderful heart warming post yesterday which I have just read.
I hope it will be possible, but I would like to come to stay with Keith and the other wonderful mixture of residents, so that I can take part, have fun, and sing, and dance when you visit.
But my order is for Jamesons Irish whisky, please. I think 3 bottles should just about be enough.
With much love, B xx

Oh you would love it, B, you really would love it. Often I go there in a low mood, did a bit today after a wrenching shift at work, but after a cup of tea, I'm perked up and laughing. This is not the world's most luxurious nursing home, it's what we call homely, but the love and care and family atmosphere is stunning. I would love you to come! Thank you so much for posting. Now I will go and write my account of today!
all love, Gxxx

 

[kindred]

Cold and a bit grumpy when i arrived at Keith's home. Work had been dystopian IT hell. But as soon as I arrived one of the staff told me I had to SIT DOWN AND REST AND THEY WOULD GET ME A CUP OF TEA. I've never had such care and love!! Anyway, tea drunk off I go and take part and Keith immediately says to me,
It's a question of judgement ...
So I agree that yes, most things are.
Hairdresser day and the usual fun and games while people try to get out of it. It's astonishing how vehemently against having their hair done a lot of the residents are. They come up with all kinds of bad memories of hairdressers and being mucked about. The couple of residents who have their hair styled look beautiful and agree it was worth it!
Back to Keith and I tell him that very soon it will be the anniversary of our meeting, 4th October. He replied I was quick. Now this actually makes sense because he chatted me up in the University Registration Queue and he was quick and that sense. We decided never to bother with birthdays really but to have that as our special date because life began then.
Social worker comes in to do a capacity with one of the Residents. We offer to get a private room but she says she is happy where she is. I could hear the questions and answers and to my great interest, it is more difficult to establish capacity than it seems. Possibly there are some key questions.
Keith's home is so sane compared with IT hell ...
Thanks folks, so good to come home and write this. Thank you.
love and best, Geraldine, aka kindred. xxxxx

 

[Sad Staffs]

@kindred
Dear Geraldine,
Another wonderful heart lifting post...
always a tonic, so thank you.
How superb to choose such a special day instead of birthdays, which somehow become meaningless the older we get. So to remember the 4th October.... perfect.
It warms my heart, your relationship with Keith. You are so lucky to have found each other.
Take care Geraldine, with love Bx

 

[kindred]

@kindred
Dear Geraldine,
Another wonderful heart lifting post...
always a tonic, so thank you.
How superb to choose such a special day instead of birthdays, which somehow become meaningless the older we get. So to remember the 4th October.... perfect.
It warms my heart, your relationship with Keith. You are so lucky to have found each other.
Take care Geraldine, with love Bx

Oh thank you. It is so good and so encouraging to hear from you, means the world. love and best, Geraldinexxx

 

[kindred]

I mean, it started off normally enough, today's early visit. Keith not yet down from bed, still asleep apparently so I said oh let him be, then, and went off to talk to the others. One resident who has travelled a lot loves to talk about her travels so I have brought her in an exercise book (I made the cover beautiful) and I write down what she says so she can keep it, if see what mean. This works very well and I am wondering which other Residents would benefit.
One of the activity nurses had brought in a load of autumn leaves and they were great to talk about. I held them up against the window to show how the sun illuminates them, and there was talk of doing a display of them on the windows to catch the sun this afternoon. That would be so lovely.
Great excitement as another resident had her husband come to see her. He lives in another care home so can't get here too often. Oh how it transformed her, the love between them so wonderful to see!
AND THEN they bring Keith down in a wheelchair and try to move him into his chair. This so obviously terrifies him (as it did at home, when he had to move), he got very angry and afraid. Eventually they succeeded with great kindness but he was kind of sitting there seething and then told me what I was planning was too expensive. What is? I ask/
YOU KNOW DAMN WELL he shouts at me.
So I go off to get us both a cup of tea.
AND THEN one of the cleaners/handymen walks past, sees us drinking tea, obviously senses I am a bit down and starts to march with legs held out in front of him like the Russian Army. Keith immediately perks up. Marcher explains to me he was for many years in one of the Eastern Armies and shows me pictures. He said they had to train for 8 hours a day to do that marching. So I ask what benefit it has for the fighting man, and he said none, it is all about discipline. Back in the day he also did Cossack dancing but has no pictures of that.

AND THEN another handyman comes to mend something with a very noisy drill. Keith perks up some more. Keith always responds well to the presence of men in his home. He's always at a primitive level longed for acceptance and approval by men. Tell myself it's a man thing. Mates and all that. Keith starts singing and banging the chair and being so happy at the awful drill din ...

So after a couple of rounds of Lily the Pink et al, I'm off home to see a church mate home from hospital.
I would so have liked to stay, such a lively atmosphere!! Onwards, thanks guys. I'm trying to teach myself to sing as tears go by as K used to like it. My goodness, wasn't Marianne Faithful beautiful?
love and best, Geraldine aka kindred.xxxx

 

[Toony Oony]

Hiya @kindred et al - back home from Sicily, several pounds heavier, legs half an inch shorter from walking miles and recovering from yesterday's boozy birthday lunch. Yay!
Been catching up on a couple of threads here on TP and discovering what antics you have been up to with Keith. I have particularly enjoyed the poetry contributions from @Amble - really my sort of stuff. Gosh @Amble - put together an anthology and I will happily buy it!
My daughter did a sterling job popping in to keep an eye on Mum in my absence - Mum on good form, has been eating more and even appears to have gained a little weight, no talk of my having died in extreme circumstances or husband and I both lying fatally ill in hospital, which is her usual tack when I am missing for a day or more. However, I go to visit her within hours of arriving home, and Mum is full of gloom and doom again saying she thought she was all alone in the world and I had gone forever. It's me! I do it to her! Daughter and I are convinced that I trigger something in Mum's mind that provokes this 'neediness' and upset. What to do?
Mum's animatronic cat went missing while I was away, which caused havoc as a new lady has moved in WITH THE SAME CAT! Pre-holiday I made Mum choose a favourite piece of ribbon and sewed it very firmly in a bow to the cat's tail for recognition purposes even though Mum's cat is .... well let's say very much loved and a trifle worse for wear from much attention, whilst the new lady's is pristine and was obviously a moving in gift. Daughter updates me while I was away and says they have turned the place upside down - no cat. Senior Carer rota changes and new Senior hasn't been on Mum's floor for a while. She sees new lady's cat and thinks it's Mum's (Mum and her cat have been quite a double act at the CH for a long while now). Senior takes new cat, and new lady gets upset ..... This is approaching comedy sitcom level. 'Don't worry' says I from Sicily, I have spare cat and will rough it up a bit and sew same ribbon on tail if necessary. Thankfully, Mum's cat mysteriously reappears. Daughter noticed patchwork quilt I made for Mum's bed went AWOL at the same time and returned washed. I am guessing that both quilt and cat had 'suffered' in one of Mum's frequent flying food and drink episodes and went for a wash and brush up!
Not sure if I mentioned Mum's food concealing habit on this thread. Well she has been wrapping, concealing, hiding, flushing, burning, depositing food for years now to hide the fact she was not eating it. ( I would love to commission a research paper on anorexic tendencies in dementia). It has now become a habit and Mum now fills every pot, vase, drawer with wrapped up bits of food, even pushing it through the narrow opening of her windows until the CH Manager said the windows had to be permanently closed as other residents had been hit by low flying digestive biscuits. Well, before I went away on holiday, I thought I would buy Mum a new soft cuddly thing, to 'keep her company' (Mum is currently going through a phase of breaking everything that can be broken). So I trawled around the garden centre and found a lovely very large, very soft, very round penguin. Mum named him 'Cheeky'. However, like a **!!?! idiot, I had just got on the plane when I realised that the blessed penguin doubled as a big hand-warmer muff. So not content with having to raid, clear and clean all Mum's food hidey holes in her room on each visit, I have now given her a huge furry giant penguin with a large secret hiding place in its tummy.
Arrgh! I haven't been back 2 days and I need another holiday.

X

 

[Lindy50]

@Toony Oony great to hear from you and pleased you had such a good holiday and birthday
Hilarious post too Sadly mum completely ignores the animatronic cat I got her for Christmas. In fact she confided in me a few days after I gave it to her "It's not real, you know", as if she thought I'd been conned in the pet shop.....
Well done, your daughter, great job by the sound if it.
Part of your post resonated strongly with me: " it's me! I do it to her. Daughter and I are convinced that I trigger something in mum's mind that provokes this neediness and upset". I get that too Daughters can visit and she'll do her best to be non-committal if not actually positive, I go and I get the full "get me out of here, I want to die" every time......
Anyway onwards and upwards!! Good luck with the penguin
Lindy xx

 

[kindred]

Hiya @kindred et al - back home from Sicily, several pounds heavier, legs half an inch shorter from walking miles and recovering from yesterday's boozy birthday lunch. Yay!
Been catching up on a couple of threads here on TP and discovering what antics you have been up to with Keith. I have particularly enjoyed the poetry contributions from @Amble - really my sort of stuff. Gosh @Amble - put together an anthology and I will happily buy it!
My daughter did a sterling job popping in to keep an eye on Mum in my absence - Mum on good form, has been eating more and even appears to have gained a little weight, no talk of my having died in extreme circumstances or husband and I both lying fatally ill in hospital, which is her usual tack when I am missing for a day or more. However, I go to visit her within hours of arriving home, and Mum is full of gloom and doom again saying she thought she was all alone in the world and I had gone forever. It's me! I do it to her! Daughter and I are convinced that I trigger something in Mum's mind that provokes this 'neediness' and upset. What to do?
Mum's animatronic cat went missing while I was away, which caused havoc as a new lady has moved in WITH THE SAME CAT! Pre-holiday I made Mum choose a favourite piece of ribbon and sewed it very firmly in a bow to the cat's tail for recognition purposes even though Mum's cat is .... well let's say very much loved and a trifle worse for wear from much attention, whilst the new lady's is pristine and was obviously a moving in gift. Daughter updates me while I was away and says they have turned the place upside down - no cat. Senior Carer rota changes and new Senior hasn't been on Mum's floor for a while. She sees new lady's cat and thinks it's Mum's (Mum and her cat have been quite a double act at the CH for a long while now). Senior takes new cat, and new lady gets upset ..... This is approaching comedy sitcom level. 'Don't worry' says I from Sicily, I have spare cat and will rough it up a bit and sew same ribbon on tail if necessary. Thankfully, Mum's cat mysteriously reappears. Daughter noticed patchwork quilt I made for Mum's bed went AWOL at the same time and returned washed. I am guessing that both quilt and cat had 'suffered' in one of Mum's frequent flying food and drink episodes and went for a wash and brush up!
Not sure if I mentioned Mum's food concealing habit on this thread. Well she has been wrapping, concealing, hiding, flushing, burning, depositing food for years now to hide the fact she was not eating it. ( I would love to commission a research paper on anorexic tendencies in dementia). It has now become a habit and Mum now fills every pot, vase, drawer with wrapped up bits of food, even pushing it through the narrow opening of her windows until the CH Manager said the windows had to be permanently closed as other residents had been hit by low flying digestive biscuits. Well, before I went away on holiday, I thought I would buy Mum a new soft cuddly thing, to 'keep her company' (Mum is currently going through a phase of breaking everything that can be broken). So I trawled around the garden centre and found a lovely very large, very soft, very round penguin. Mum named him 'Cheeky'. However, like a **!!?! idiot, I had just got on the plane when I realised that the blessed penguin doubled as a big hand-warmer muff. So not content with having to raid, clear and clean all Mum's food hidey holes in her room on each visit, I have now given her a huge furry giant penguin with a large secret hiding place in its tummy.
Arrgh! I haven't been back 2 days and I need another holiday.
Oh amazing, wondrous post, welcome back!!! Gxx

X

 

[kindred]

Every day a fluffy one, as Keith used to say about life's ups and downs. Never really understood that, but there. Anyway today's fluffy one was the lift was out of order so the residents on the top floor where Keith is had been in their rooms most of the time. Up I go and there he is having lunch. I take over the feeding and we have a nice, chatty time just the two of us. Keith kept calling me fruit which is his pet name for me, so he obviously knew me today.
AND THEN I decided oh well, I'll go straight home now, work was a bit tough today, put feet up or something. BUT THEN I thought come on, get a grip and make an effort so I went downstairs to talk to the residents who were down there. The atmosphere was a bit stiff and one of them said, nothing's happening today. So I said, let me get a cup of tea and I'll sing to you. So did that, got the tea and, well, remarkable really, some of the shyer residents I didn't know could sing and who never join in were able to join in because it was only a small group - and three of them knew the words to Those were the days ... we then went through beatles songs and the nurses joined in, helping me out. It was a truly uplifting session.
Even songs like blue moon, smoke gets in your eyes, yesterday, absolutely SMASHING.
Thanks folks, hope the lift is working tomorrow, this old lady has a bad hip ...
Love and best, Geraldine aka kindred xxxxxx

 

[kindred]

Oh thank you. It is so good and so encouraging to hear from you, means the world. love and best, Geraldinexxx

Darling, is it today for your husband's operation? so hope it goes well, please keep in touch about it. all love, Geraldinexxx