Hi just joined

jocat44

New member
Sep 22, 2018
5
0
hi my Mum and I care for my dad who has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, he is also deaf and blind.he has deteriorated a lot in the last year, hallucinations,temper, anxiety . In the past month he’s got in several complete rages, inappropriate behaviour playing with himself in the lounge while I was looking after him and then this week we’ve had poo spread all round the bathroom. I’m at the end of my tether, I don’t want anything to do with him I’ve been sworn at ,had things thrown at me, been screamed at for hours and I’m sorry I’ve had enough. I’m scared of him and what he’s going to do next. Other family members aren’t the slightest bit interested. Mum is as worn out as me. He is very possessive over Mum.
He’s been assessed by ss and they’ve given a small amount towards three hours care per week but Mum still has to pay an amount as well and can’t afford anymore.
Thanks for listening
Jo
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
Hello @jocat44 and welcome to TP

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, it does sound very difficult. Three hours care a week doesn't sound nearly enough in the circumstances. Are you sure that if your dad had more care, your mum would have to pay more? It could perhaps be a maximum contribution that she's been quoted?
Also, does your mum realise how you feel? And do you think she's had enough too? You must both be exhausted. I wonder have you considered respite care for your dad, to give you a breathing space and time to think things through?
I would suggest that you get back to SS and tell them that your dad needs more care.

If you would like to talk things through in person, there is a helpline you can call. The number is 0300 222 1122 and it will be open over the weekend. I'm sorry I can't access the exact hours as my internet keeps dropping out (must be the wind/gales) but the details are on the Alzheimer's Society site.

Wishing you all the best. Keep posting!

Lindy xx
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
hi my Mum and I care for my dad who has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, he is also deaf and blind.he has deteriorated a lot in the last year, hallucinations,temper, anxiety . In the past month he’s got in several complete rages, inappropriate behaviour playing with himself in the lounge while I was looking after him and then this week we’ve had poo spread all round the bathroom. I’m at the end of my tether, I don’t want anything to do with him I’ve been sworn at ,had things thrown at me, been screamed at for hours and I’m sorry I’ve had enough. I’m scared of him and what he’s going to do next. Other family members aren’t the slightest bit interested. Mum is as worn out as me. He is very possessive over Mum.
He’s been assessed by ss and they’ve given a small amount towards three hours care per week but Mum still has to pay an amount as well and can’t afford anymore.
Thanks for listening
Jo
Sweetheart, please go to your GP and tell him/her the situation You have done so much. It sounds to me as though residential care could be considered for all your dad's needs. This is too much and your own health and that of your mum is at risk. It is good to get a GP onside with this. Then back to social services to say you cannot do this any more and your poor mum is at end of tether and dad is a vulnerable adult and needs residential care. This is too much.
warmest, Geraldine aka Kindred.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Hello @jocat44, welcome to the forum from me too.

I agree that pressure needs to be maintained on SS but in the meantime wondered if you would get a few tips from the AS Factsheets that address some of the issues. You can find them with these links

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites/default/files/migrate/downloads/changes_in_behaviour.pdf

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/sites...ctsheet_dementia_and_aggressive_behaviour.pdf

There is also a useful thread on communication that can be found with this link

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

The GP has been mentioned in relation getting SS on board with this escalation but as you mention anxiety, which is common in dementia, I wonder if a medication review would help the situation.

You have been given the AS helpline details but I’ve been led to believe that the Admiral Nurses help line is also good and you can visit the web site with this link https://www.dementiauk.org/get-support/dementia-helpline-alzheimers-helpline/
 

jocat44

New member
Sep 22, 2018
5
0
Thank you all for your useful and kind replies, sorry I have severe mental health problems and tried doing individual replies but got in a complete muddle, I apologise to you. I am in contact with our gp and she knows what is going on but we all need Mum to agree to next step and that is a problem. None of us want to take her control away and she is adamant it’s her duty to care for dad even though she is also at end of her tether. I will look at the factsheets recommended
Thank you so much
Jo
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Dont worry about replying individually
Im sorry your mum is taking this stance, although it is unfortunately all too familiar on here. Try and persuade her that getting in help does not mean that she has in any way failed - its just that eventually dementia becomes too much for one or two people alone and requires a whole team. I do hope your mum has accepted the hours that they have been offered. If your mum wont budge, then Im afraid that it will probably take a crisis before there is more.

If you yourself cannot cope and have to step back then I cannot blame you. We can only do what we can do.
 

jocat44

New member
Sep 22, 2018
5
0
Hi canary, thanks for your kind reply, Mum has accepted the three hours of help eventually, I feel the time has come to consider nursing home care for him, we’ve been told by ss that it will be difficult to find him an appropriate place because of his complex needs, all the more reason for sooner rather than later I feel, he needs care 24hours and Mum and I are exhausted but Mum says no. I don’t want there to be a crisis and him end up somewhere inappropriate because that is the only place with spaces. As well as the Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia he is completely deaf and blind and has copd. It’s just all so complicated and my head is spinning, I am physically and emotionally exhausted trying to look after him.
Jo
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I am so sorry, I understand how your mother feels. I feel the same, but how is the question.
I wonder if she can be persuaded to take a step back and realise that what your Dad needs is a strong advocate and she is best placed to do this, she cannot be this and do the physical care too. Tell the GP, social services, the family that you both are at breaking point, overwhelmed and what ever else you need to say to get the help you need.
Do not feel you need to answer, you must be worn out. There is good advice in other answers.
 

Platinum

Registered User
Nov 7, 2017
85
0
South east
hi my Mum and I care for my dad who has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia, he is also deaf and blind.he has deteriorated a lot in the last year, hallucinations,temper, anxiety . In the past month he’s got in several complete rages, inappropriate behaviour playing with himself in the lounge while I was looking after him and then this week we’ve had poo spread all round the bathroom. I’m at the end of my tether, I don’t want anything to do with him I’ve been sworn at ,had things thrown at me, been screamed at for hours and I’m sorry I’ve had enough. I’m scared of him and what he’s going to do next. Other family members aren’t the slightest bit interested. Mum is as worn out as me. He is very possessive over Mum.
He’s been assessed by ss and they’ve given a small amount towards three hours care per week but Mum still has to pay an amount as well and can’t afford anymore.
Thanks for listening
Jo
I’m so so sorry for you and your mother. If you are scared of him you could ring 111 to get advice. They might well do something. Would your mum be resistant in this situation. How can SS only offer a contribution towards three hours? It beggars belief.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,937
0
Oh dear. Your father does have very complex needs. But that is all the more reason for SS to make an extra effort to find a suitable place for him.
Yes, absolutely. It is because of these severe and complex needs that he needs to be cared for by a team of people in a residential placement. Dear oh dear. Kindred.