Feeling guilty about respite

[KathrynAnne]

Mum lives with me and I try and get a week off every 3 months by arranging respite. This time the care home she normally goes to didn’t have any spare capacity so I booked her into another one which seemed lovely and came highly recommended. My husband and I have come away for a few days but yesterday I got a phone call from the care home manager. Mum had gone into another resident’s room and hit her so hard that her glasses fell off and her hearing aid was knocked out. I feel terrible about this, not only for the poor lady who got hit but also for my Mum who must be completely disorientated. What should have been a much needed break has now turned into an anxious wait to get back to Mum and sort out the mess! I feel so despondent.

 

[karaokePete]

It's a shame that this happened. I hope that this was just mentioned to you because of the reporting system within the Home and that they are equipped to deal with the issue in a manner that will keep your Mum and the other residents safe and happy.

If you have some days of your trip remaining it may be worth while to talk to the Home to ensure that all is well so that you can also settle again. After all, you getting respite is important to both you and your Mum in the long term.

 

[KathrynAnne]

Thanks @karaokePete. The CH was very good and said it was their problem to deal with and would put procedures in place to prevent this happening again. I pick Mum up tomorrow and have very mixed feelings. On the one hand looking forward to seeing her but on the other disappointed that my ‘me time’ has come to an end.

 

[karaokePete]

Thanks @karaokePete. The CH was very good and said it was their problem to deal with and would put procedures in place to prevent this happening again. I pick Mum up tomorrow and have very mixed feelings. On the one hand looking forward to seeing her but on the other disappointed that my ‘me time’ has come to an end.

We can’t change what has happened but we can change our reaction. I had a few days away a month ago and the usual merry go round started up as soon as I got back but I’ve been able to react to things better since my return. Even my face getting in the firing line of my wife spitting didn’t rattle me (she didn’t even know she had done it so I wasn’t the actual target )

I just blame the disease and keep smiling.

 

[JennyC_123]

Even though this time it didn't go so well, I hope you will still get your respite every 3 months. We need it for our own sanity and well-being.

I figure it's like going to a movie or going on the vacation -- most of the time it's good and enjoyable, but occasionally it's disappointing. Still, we need to keep going to the movies / vacation because we need the escape.

If the first care home seems to agree with your mum more, maybe you can try to reserve further in advance to make sure she can get into that care home next time? (Or hopefully the second care home will be able to ensure everyone's safety in the future.)

 

[KathrynAnne]

Even though this time it didn't go so well, I hope you will still get your respite every 3 months. We need it for our own sanity and well-being.

I figure it's like going to a movie or going on the vacation -- most of the time it's good and enjoyable, but occasionally it's disappointing. Still, we need to keep going to the movies / vacation because we need the escape.

If the first care home seems to agree with your mum more, maybe you can try to reserve further in advance to make sure she can get into that care home next time? (Or hopefully the second care home will be able to ensure everyone's safety in the future.)

Thanks for your reply @JennyC_123
I’ve picked Mum up this morning and was very reassured by the carers in the CH. They said Mum had been great apart from this 1 incident and she does seem well and content. You’re absolutely right that I need to carry on with the regular respite. Without it I would definitely break down and be no use to anyone!

 

[stanleypj]

I agree that as this seems to have been a 'one off', and in an unfamiliar CH, you may not need to see this as the end of respite. Your need for respite is important enough to try again with the home she knows, and where she is known.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

With the vagaries of the disease, your mother may have well reacted the same way at the usual home. I think the second home responded properly by saying it was their problem to deal with and they are putting procedures in place.

Keep going for your respites, they are absolutely necessary for your mental and physical health.