APPROACHING END WITH MUM : EVERY DAY IS DIFFERENT

[Jezzer]

Hi Jan @Jezzer glad things are more sorted out for you & hopefully the meds will sort out your mum’s sleeping pattern.
Your care home sounds a very good one to be honest & it’s great that they want to make your mum as comfortable as possible xxxx

Thanks so much. I think most CH/NHs are perfectly OK. Sadly, there are a few that aren't. I have nothing but gratitude and admiration for the staff where mum is. When you can, please let me know how things are with you? With Love xxxxx

 

[stanleypj]

Perhaps we get a misleading view from Talking Point but I think that a lot of care CH/NH clearly need to improve.

 

[Jezzer]

Perhaps we get a misleading view from Talking Point but I think that a lot of care CH/NH clearly need to improve.

Oh I'm sure you are correct. I was recently told that Inspectors work differently and what one Inspector would pass, another may not. I don't know if this is true but if so, surely this can't be right?

 

[CaringDaughter]

I hope you've taken strength from the support here - you've given, so you should receive. I hope the day/night confusion is sorted by the medication - there are other health issues which may be caused otherwise. Pleased to hear that the home is supportive, and I wish you well.

 

[Jezzer]

I hope you've taken strength from the support here - you've given, so you should receive. I hope the day/night confusion is sorted by the medication - there are other health issues which may be caused otherwise. Pleased to hear that the home is supportive, and I wish you well.

Thank you so much @CaringDaughter Mum was awake this morning for the first time in quite a while and I was gifted with her beautiful smile! It seems the day/night confusion is being sorted. I have indeed taken strength from the wonderful support, thank you. I wish you well also x

 

[AKiki13]

Hi folks
I've had some things to sort out as @kindred kindly let you know but am pretty much sorted now. I have not forgotten about you all and you have been in my thoughts. My darling mum remains much the same but the Home called in the doctor recently. She is wide awake during the night and will eat snacks and drink tea and coffee. Obviously the kitchen is unable to provide a great deal of choice in the middle of the night but staff do their best to rustle up something nice for her. Then of course she sleeps during the day and doesn't want breakfast, lunch or tea. They are unable to administer her meds either. Her days and nights are all mixed up. So, starting this week, she has been given a sleeping pill at night in an attempt to correct her sleeping pattern. I told the GP I was concerned about her being "doped up" but he assured me this was a short-term plan and that she will be closely monitored. I can see their point and if she's hungry, I don't want her to be missing meals, especially the lovely lunches. She eats very little but she does manage some food. Nor do I want her to miss the essential meds. I think yesterday is the first time she has been more responsive. She has naturally deteriorated though and, as always, I am struggling to watch her like this, helpless to do anything. I won't post every day now but will update occasionally. My love and best wishes to you all. Jan x

Hi Jan
I was so worried when kindred posted about you taking a break and so saddened to hear that your mum has been having an awful time but pleased that the home called in help from the doctor. Hopefully she may just need some help getting her sleeping pattern back to normal and could then come off the sleeping tablets. I am sending you some big hugs to get you through this difficult stage and wish you and your mum the very best.x

 

[Jezzer]

Hi Jan
I was so worried when kindred posted about you taking a break and so saddened to hear that your mum has been having an awful time but pleased that the home called in help from the doctor. Hopefully she may just need some help getting her sleeping pattern back to normal and could then come off the sleeping tablets. I am sending you some big hugs to get you through this difficult stage and wish you and your mum the very best.x

I didn't mean to worry anyone - so sorry but Thank You for your kindness. As Mum was awake this morning and cheerful, I'm hoping the tablets are working and yes, then she can come off them. Thank you for the big hugs - just got them; lovely - and I'm sending some to you. Love and Best Wishes Jan xxx

 

[YorkshireLass]

Hi folks
I've had some things to sort out as @kindred kindly let you know but am pretty much sorted now. I have not forgotten about you all and you have been in my thoughts. My darling mum remains much the same but the Home called in the doctor recently. She is wide awake during the night and will eat snacks and drink tea and coffee. Obviously the kitchen is unable to provide a great deal of choice in the middle of the night but staff do their best to rustle up something nice for her. Then of course she sleeps during the day and doesn't want breakfast, lunch or tea. They are unable to administer her meds either. Her days and nights are all mixed up. So, starting this week, she has been given a sleeping pill at night in an attempt to correct her sleeping pattern. I told the GP I was concerned about her being "doped up" but he assured me this was a short-term plan and that she will be closely monitored. I can see their point and if she's hungry, I don't want her to be missing meals, especially the lovely lunches. She eats very little but she does manage some food. Nor do I want her to miss the essential meds. I think yesterday is the first time she has been more responsive. She has naturally deteriorated though and, as always, I am struggling to watch her like this, helpless to do anything. I won't post every day now but will update occasionally. My love and best wishes to you all. Jan x

Thanks for calling by and posting. I'm so glad you have the support and care around you. We can't make it as we would like it to be but we can be there and surround the situation with love. Thinking of you and sending a massive hug xxxxx

 

[Jale]

Just wanted to say, thinking of you and take care

 

[Jezzer]

Thank you @Jale Haven't posted for a while I know. Had awful experience a week ago. Took a call from mum's NH last Friday to say she'd taken a turn for the worse so we shot down. Mum's End of Life wishes which are documented state DNR, no intervention to save her, on no account hospitalization and just to be made comfortable and nature to take its course. Arrived to find 2 paramedics giving her oxygen and preparing to take her to hospital. I said No and told them why and they were shown documentation. What followed was appalling. I was basically being bullied and I felt like a criminal. Then a LIVES medic arrived and he started on me. Mum looked terrified. They eventually left and the last words of one of the medics was "your mother will go into shock and her organs will fail". I stayed with her all night, she settled down and a week later is pretty much as she was before whatever happened. I've had a meeting with the Manager and GP and it's all sorted but I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone. These are not our wishes; they are mum's and we intend to honour them. No family member acting on behalf of a loved one, in accordance with their wishes, should ever have to go through that.

 

[Mickeymarley]

Wow, tremendous post @Hazara8
Thank you so much, you reinforce what I feel in my bones to be true xx

I totally agree. I feel this is true. I often see my mum through the mask of dementia. She is there. She will always be there.

 

[ShrinkingViolet]

Thank you @Jale Haven't posted for a while I know. Had awful experience a week ago. Took a call from mum's NH last Friday to say she'd taken a turn for the worse so we shot down. Mum's End of Life wishes which are documented state DNR, no intervention to save her, on no account hospitalization and just to be made comfortable and nature to take its course. Arrived to find 2 paramedics giving her oxygen and preparing to take her to hospital. I said No and told them why and they were shown documentation. What followed was appalling. I was basically being bullied and I felt like a criminal. Then a LIVES medic arrived and he started on me. Mum looked terrified. They eventually left and the last words of one of the medics was "your mother will go into shock and her organs will fail". I stayed with her all night, she settled down and a week later is pretty much as she was before whatever happened. I've had a meeting with the Manager and GP and it's all sorted but I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone. These are not our wishes; they are mum's and we intend to honour them. No family member acting on behalf of a loved one, in accordance with their wishes, should ever have to go through that.

I am appalled that was allowed to happen - your mother's wishes should be respected. Well done you for standing up to the do-gooding bullies.

 

[Toony Oony]

Hello again @Jezzer - I haven't been around for a bit, horrendously busy, although I have had a nightly skim through TP!

My goodness, what a terrible situation to be in for both you and your poor Mum. It really makes you worry that at that most stressful of moments, you had to fight to get your Mum's own wishes met. Must have been awful - but well done you for staying your ground and not giving in under such bullying pressure.
Without wishing to appear blunt or callous, wouldn't you think that with all the news of lack of beds in hospitals and the like, medical staff would be quite accepting of a formal decision for an elderly person at end of life, to remain intervention free and not take up a hospital place?

Hope Mum settles comfortably again and that you are OK after all the upset.

X

 

[Jezzer]

Hello again @Jezzer - I haven't been around for a bit, horrendously busy, although I have had a nightly skim through TP!

My goodness, what a terrible situation to be in for both you and your poor Mum. It really makes you worry that at that most stressful of moments, you had to fight to get your Mum's own wishes met. Must have been awful - but well done you for staying your ground and not giving in under such bullying pressure.
Without wishing to appear blunt or callous, wouldn't you think that with all the news of lack of beds in hospitals and the like, medical staff would be quite accepting of a formal decision for an elderly person at end of life, to remain intervention free and not take up a hospital place?

Hope Mum settles comfortably again and that you are OK after all the upset.

X

Thank you Toony and also @ShrinkingViolet. Since mum became ill I, like so many of you, have fought and fought for her. I have two folders upstairs groaning under the weight of letters I've sent, queries, transcripts of telephone calls, various reports etc. Then there are the endless forms filled and meetings attended. I love her dearly and she knows, just as I know she loves me. To be spoken to as I was has upset me deeply and to be honest has just about finished me off. At this very difficult and sensitive stage in mum's life I'm struggling and I don't think I can take much more. Sorry if this sounds self pitying but when you keep getting knocked down, you get to a point where you struggle to get up again. Take care all of you. Jan

 

[Lindy50]

Thank you Toony and also @ShrinkingViolet. Since mum became ill I, like so many of you, have fought and fought for her. I have two folders upstairs groaning under the weight of letters I've sent, queries, transcripts of telephone calls, various reports etc. Then there are the endless forms filled and meetings attended. I love her dearly and she knows, just as I know she loves me. To be spoken to as I was has upset me deeply and to be honest has just about finished me off. At this very difficult and sensitive stage in mum's life I'm struggling and I don't think I can take much more. Sorry if this sounds self pitying but when you keep getting knocked down, you get to a point where you struggle to get up again. Take care all of you. Jan

Dear Jan @Jezzer i am so sorry to hear what a terrible experience you've had, and the way it's affected you. You stood up for your mum and people had no right whatsoever to speak to you like that! its disgraceful, really I can't think how to express my anger and sadness on your behalf.
I'm sorry too that it's left you feeling so down. I know only too well how tnis feels There's only so much we can take isn't there?
But we have each other here on TP. Offering you (((hugs))) and a helping hand up....
All love
Lindy xx

 

[Jezzer]

Dear Jan @Jezzer i am so sorry to hear what a terrible experience you've had, and the way it's affected you. You stood up for your mum and people had no right whatsoever to speak to you like that! its disgraceful, really I can't think how to express how angry and sad I am on your behalf.
I'm sorry too that it's left you feeling so down. I know only too well how tnis feels There's only so much we can take isn't there?
But we have each other here on TP. Offering you (((hugs))) and a helping hand up....
All love
Lindy xx

Hello Lindy. I know you understand and I appreciate your message so much. Really, the medics shouldn't have been called out but when mum was taken ill it just so happened the senior nurse was on her way but stuck in traffic and it was all in the hands of a young bank nurse. I don't blame her at all; she did what she thought was best. The medics on the other hand should have known better. The nurse in question found me on Monday, broke down and kept apologising. She said she felt dreadful and could not believe how I was spoken to. I gave her a hug and said we did not blame her and to please not worry. The Manager, with our permission, is lodging a complaint with EMAS. I gather this is not uncommon and so it needs sorting.
I think coming on the back of my health concerns and my brother's op, it just seemed a step too far. I'll be OK, mum's safe and all Residents Files are going to be checked to ensure care plans are correct and updated if necessary. All care plans will be filed at the front of each folder so some good may come out of this. How are you Lindy and what about your dear Mum? With much love, J xxx

 

[Prudence9]

@Jezzer - just wanted to send you love and (((hugs))), what an horrendous thing to happen.
I too was bullied by a paramedic once and he just about escaped with his life! His partner was mortified and I still wish I'd filed a complaint!....You did amazingly well to stand up to them, you knew what your Mum wanted and stuck to her wishes....well done. As you say, some good will come out of this, but I too was amazed at the lack of compassion for you and your Mum.

I hope your brother's recovering well and I hope YOU are feeling a little better after all this. I'm so happy for you and Mum that you stuck to your guns.

 

[Jezzer]

@Jezzer - just wanted to send you love and (((hugs))), what an horrendous thing to happen.
I too was bullied by a paramedic once and he just about escaped with his life! His partner was mortified and I still wish I'd filed a complaint!....You did amazingly well to stand up to them, you knew what your Mum wanted and stuck to her wishes....well done. As you say, some good will come out of this, but I too was amazed at the lack of compassion for you and your Mum.

I hope your brother's recovering well and I hope YOU are feeling a little better after all this. I'm so happy for you and Mum that you stuck to your guns.

Ah @Prudence9 Thank you so much. I don't have much confidence and I hate confrontation but I couldn't allow them to take mum. I still can't believe what he said as he left. It only really hit me several days later. My brother is doing really well, Thank You. I so appreciate your message and hugs. Sending love and hugs back to you xxx

 

[Prudence9]

Hopefully Jan the thought of us all with you on here will give you some confidence back, you had enough anyway, you did it - but isn't it a shame sometimes that you only remember things later on....all the things you would've liked to have said....!!

So glad your brother's doing well, hope you can have a lovely evening.
Thinking of you. Xxxx

 

[Jezzer]

Hopefully Jan the thought of us all with you on here will give you some confidence back, you had enough anyway, you did it - but isn't it a shame sometimes that you only remember things later on....all the things you would've liked to have said....!!

So glad your brother's doing well, hope you can have a lovely evening.
Thinking of you. Xxxx

You are so right, there is so much I wished I'de said but I thought mum was going to die and my head was all over the place. Thanks again Prudence xx