no one there

marmarlade

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
183
0
I lost my hubby 18 months ago,these past few weeks I have had to have several teeth removed, its things like this that you miss having no one there, just to go home to and have a hug,and hubby saying are you alright[,even if your not]do you want a cup of tea. today I had another tooth out,and I think it was the last straw, when I got home I hugged the dog and had a good cry,for hubby and myself.so I will now pick my self up and hope this is the last of the dentist for a while,
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,994
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72
Dundee
Oh @marmarlade I know exactly how you feel. My husband died 24 months ago so not so long before yours. It's the going home to an empty house when something's not been so good that I hate. Like you I miss the hugs, cuddles and the closeness that our together time brought.

Like you say we just have to pick ourselves up, don't we. I'm glad you shared here and I hope it makes you feel a little bit better.
 

marmarlade

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
183
0
Oh @marmarlade I know exactly how you feel. My husband died 24 months ago so not so long before yours. It's the going home to an empty house when something's not been so good that I hate. Like you I miss the hugs, cuddles and the closeness that our together time brought.

Like you say we just have to pick ourselves up, don't we. I'm glad you shared here and I hope it makes you feel a little bit better.
thank you Izzy its so nice to know we arent alone with our thoughts,on here we are all the same have lost loved ones to this horrible dementia
 

marmarlade

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
183
0
I hope your mouth heals quickly @marmarlade & that you don’t have to have any more treatment.
thanks Cat27 I hope so to, you can do all the things needed its just so lonely even with a loving family like I have,but they all go home to their own places and then thats when you miss your loved ones
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
I'm another who knows how you feel @marmarlade.

Its four and half years since my husband died and eight years since he left our home to go into residential care. I manage well until there is an upset and then I'm easily in tears.

Just recently I had a bit of a dispute with a neighbour about something as trivial as my ivy growing over his fence. It became a problem totally out of proportion and made me feel more vulnerable than I could have believed. Even writing about it now is upsetting.

You`re in good company I'm afraid. I never appreciated how deeply loss is felt until I experienced it myself.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
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Dundee
You`re in good company I'm afraid. I never appreciated how deeply loss is felt until I experienced it myself.

I agree with you totally Sylvia. It's so good that we have this forum where we know that people will understand.
 

Chrisging

Registered User
Aug 1, 2017
22
0
My goodness. Just caught on to this thread and how it resonates with me. My husband of 40 years passed away in May and one of the first things I felt was vunerable. I was walking the dog and suddenly it hit me."If I fall there's no one there, at home, what would I do". Now I'm quite manic about making sure i have my mobile with me. I have very good neighbours one of whom really knows the area so that's some comfort. I too miss the hugs, he was a great hugger both giving and receiving. Somehow hugging the dog helps but I never ended up smelling of wet hound when OH gave me a "ug"!
I have so much to physically sort out but i am so tired all the time. There are many days when I just want to dig a big hole, climb in and pull the lid shut! So stupid! Now I'm able to go out and go, basically anywhere, but I don't because I really want to go somewhere with my husband, we were so very similar in what we enjoyed. I've yet to attempt the solo meal out. I have friends with who I could go but they also have their own lives.
Making the decisions doesn't throw me as my OH usually preferred to not make them, but I feel chuffed with myself when I managed to change car insurance companies, get a better deal with the RAC etc. Silly but although I did make major decisions I always double checked with my OH.
The future scares me. I have no children and although I have 2 adult stepchildren my stepdaughter made it totally clear over the last 5/6 years that she didn't like me. Her father tried to find out why but was unsuccessful to the extent of feeling he had to apologize for her less than 2days before he died. That really hurt. I was so upset for him. She has now, after the funeral, written me out of her life, but I still speak with my stepson but he lives quite a distance away. I'm fearful of becoming ill and I've never been like that I suppose it's an age thing. I will be 70 next spring.
It's the getting used to shopping for one, not having to rush home to relieve the carers but doing so for the dog. If your home seems empty think about loving a dog or volunteering at a rescue place. They give you such unstinting affection.
The forum really helps there's so many people going through this horrible illness but such support given. I've even wondered about finding out if others locally,in the same position might be interested in going out, but don't know how to go about it. Any ideas?
Sending you all (( "hugs"))
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
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Dundee
@Chrisging - so much of what you have written resonates with me. There are lot of similarities in our situation. I'm 3 years off 70, we had no children, Bill's children had nothing to do with us, we were married almost 40 years and so on. The big difference is that I lost Bill 2 years ago. You only lost your husband in May. It's very early days for you and I remember how hard these first months were. I know it's a cliche but life is roller coaster - some good days, some bad.

I'm so glad you posted here and hope it makes you feel less alone. Please keep posting. I have found the support I got from members here when Bill died and over the last 2 years has been invaluable and I'm sure you will too.
 

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
853
0
Kent
Hi marmalade

I still care for my wife (67) at home, so I am not in the same situation as you, however, after watching her slowly retreating into her own little world over the last 4+ years, I can empathise with a lot of what you share.

True, I have still to experience that ultimate level of grief, but I too have already "lost" the loving, vibrant, independent woman I married nearly 47 years ago. Thankfully, Lyn is always happy and laughing but the dementia badly affected her speech, self awareness and cognitive abilities even in those early days.

So though she is still by my side, I too miss the joys and worries we shared, the planning for what we were going to do, the "you're not going to wear that?" moments and the spontaneity we used to enjoy.

I dread getting ill or hurting myself, as not only would she not be capable of responding or getting help, but she'd be at risk too.

We do have a lifeline thingy, which is some reassurance, plus I carry a "Kent Carer's Emergency Card" in my wallet, but I do still worry.

I hope the teeth behave.:D

Kind regards
Phil
 

marmarlade

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
183
0
well it looks like we all are worried about getting ill falling over ,when we have lost our loved ones,even when hubby was at home I didnt think about these things although he could not have helped me,but its knowing some one is there, maybe like me you have had your orders from family ,dont stand on chairs make sure you got your phone with you ,let us know where your going when your home,its lovely that they care so much and it was their dad,and I know they miss him to,but to sit on the long winter nights that are coming by your self .memories overtake you, and some times things on the tele make the tears flow the poor dog just climbs on my lap and looks at me,so we get up find her ball and play I couldnt be without her.
 

Jale

Registered User
Jul 9, 2018
1,137
0
I can't say I know how you feel because I haven't, thankfully, been in that position, but I know that when my dad died my outlook on things changed.

Sending hugs your way, and I hope that you don't have another trip to the dentist. Take care
 

Chrisging

Registered User
Aug 1, 2017
22
0
Well, I completed the Bristol memory walk yesterday with a good friend who, when she knew I was going to do it, straight away registered so we would do it together. Also had my dog with us and although he is usually walked in the country he coped really well with all those people. Apparently 1900 walked. I managed to raise just over £500 although I only started to fundraise from early August. By next year I hope I might be able to get fitter and will certainly be up for another walk, maybe get a team together! Although I did get very upset on the journey home when passing places we used to go and knowing he wasn't with me. Its the biggest thing I've done since Fred died and he would have loved to see it. Had to pull over and compose myself, too dangerous otherwise.
Re my earlier post, thanks for the suggestions, I'll certainly look into it. I have also started Tai-chi class. Goodness, I never realized that something so slow and gentle could make me find muscles I'd forgotten about, so it should do some good.
Fred's ashes eventually came home this week. He had been placed in a beautiful pictorial coffin, a bluebell wood, which was stunning and I ordered a double ash casket that looks the same, because, when the time comes I will join him. It is a strange comfort. So many people had not known of these beautiful coffins and my husband had chosen his, but now many friends say "that's what I want".
He would have been 80 in November and I had managed to do a suprise celebration for the past 4 "big" birthdays but I just don't want to be here so I might get away for a few days. He'd understand.
I keep being told take your time don't be hard on yourself but if I don't keep busy and try to plan ahead the memories flood back and overwhelm me. I don't want to forget and never will but I will need to allow them to recede. I found these words recently and I'm trying very hard to do it,
You can shed tears that I have gone
or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I will come back
or you can open your eyes and see what I have left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see me
or you can be full of the love we have shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember me and only that I am gone
or cherish my memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what I would want;
SMILE, OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE AND GO ON.

I hope they help someone else as they do me.
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,994
0
72
Dundee
I had that poem when my husband's ashes were buried. I think it is so appropriate. Thanks for reminding me of it.

I'm two years down the road now and I can understand your need to keep busy @Chrisging. Well done on the memory walk!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
I have so much to physically sort out but i am so tired all the time.

Yesterday I threw out all papers dealing with my mothers dementia. She died in 2002.

There is no hurry @Chrisging You have probably spent your life putting others first. Now it is time for you. Jobs can wait. No one will come to harm if they are not done. Do them in your own time.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
well it looks like we all are worried about getting ill falling over ,when we have lost our loved ones,

I truly believe everyone who lives alone would feel safer with a Careline. There is no need to wear it continuously. Mine is by the side of my bed. It is my security.

I have had mine for over 10 years, when my husband was home and I knew he wouldn't be able to help me if I became ill. I kept it when he went into residential care and after he died. I haven't used it once but know its there just in case.
 

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