A long good-bye

PhilD

New member
Aug 21, 2018
5
0
My Mum has been in an EMI nursing home for 2 years now and I go to see her every Sunday without fail. I love going to see her, I couldn’t imagine not going. It’s an emotional challenge which has led me to try to put it in to words:-

It feels like I’m stood on a railway station platform and Mum has got on a train - one from her era, wooden compartments with the push-down window in the doors that you can lean out of. The train’s slowly pulling out of the station and i’m waving Mum good-bye. She’s waving back, but the train’s getting further and further away and each week it’s getting harder to see Mum waving. I know she’s there on that train and I guess she knows I’m on the platform, so I keep waving as she goes off in to the distance. Slowly, ever so slowly, disappearing.

I just wanted to post that in case it resonates with anyone?
 

Angela57

Registered User
Jan 22, 2016
195
0
It resonates with me with both my parents who are both in homes now. What a touching way of describing that we are slowly loosing them mentally.

Thank you for such a fitting way of explaining exactly how I feel, but I could never describe it as perfectly as you have @PhilD.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
7,342
0
Nottinghamshire
Hello @PhilD

It certainly is a long goodbye. My dad is about to move into an EMI home and is nearing the end of his journey now I think - although I haven't been given the timetable.

The train analogy describes it well...
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
It certainly resonates with me too, @PhilD . As @Bunpoots says, I haven't been given the timetable......
And mum seems to be desperately shouting and trying to make me hear her above the noise of the steam train......I do hear her but she can't hear my voice for long enough to give her much comfort.....
Oh yes, it resonates all right!
Lindy xx
 
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Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
576
0
Gosh @PhilD that is so beautiful and poignant - and so very, very accurate. It certainly resonates with me.
Like @Bunpoots says, we don't have the timetable and have no idea of the length of the journey nor if there will be any delays ...
As for my Mum, she would not be looking out waving, she would be carefully folding up pieces of tissue and either throwing them out of the window or polishing the carriage!

x
 

Fluffycat

Registered User
Jun 23, 2015
3
0
Glos
Such a wonderful analogy - so sad but so true.

We have been on an 11 year journey with my dear Mum - but despite all the ups and downs, I have always been able to ‘find’ my Mum in there somewhere.
Until now ......we have just gone through a period of illness, which has resulted in a downturn.
She seems now to be disappearing ...... and I truly never expected it would happen.
So very hard to accept..... it must be the most cruel disease ever.

Thank you very much for such a thoughtful post @PhilD
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Hello @PhilD, welcome to TP. That was a beautiful first post that certainly resonates with me.

Now that you have found TP I hope you find the forum to be a friendly, informative and supportive place. Please keep posting if you have any questions or wish to start a thread on any topic, or even join in existing threads.
 

PhilD

New member
Aug 21, 2018
5
0
Thank you so much to those of you who have posted comments. The reason I joined this forum was because although common sense told me lots of others would be feeling similar things to me, I wasn’t sure and as I have no support network of my own it’s comforting - that feels like the wrong word but you know what I mean - to hear others are out there.

I’m especially grateful to those who have developed my notion of the departing train journey, you’ve helped me even more, thank you
 

PhilD

New member
Aug 21, 2018
5
0
Hello @PhilD

It certainly is a long goodbye. My dad is about to move into an EMI home and is nearing the end of his journey now I think - although I haven't been given the timetable.

The train analogy describes it well...
Hi, thank you for posting and yes the lack of a timetable is an added complexity/stress. As humans we like to know and feel we have at least the illusion of control. Just as at a real station, when there’s no timetable it adds to the upset.
 

PhilD

New member
Aug 21, 2018
5
0
It certainly resonates with me too, @PhilD . As @Bunpoots says, I haven't been given the timetable......
And mum seems to be desperately shouting and trying to make me hear her above the noise of the steam train......I do hear her but she can't hear my voice for long enough to give her much comfort.....
Oh yes, it resonates all right!
Lindy xx
Gosh, yes, I see that frustration in my Mum too at times, anger even, as she has periods where I’m sure she knows what’s happening to her. The noise of the train indeed.
 

Rolypoly

Registered User
Jan 15, 2018
2,319
0
What a lovely way of putting it @PhilD, it brought a lump to my throat and teary eyes.


As for my Mum, she would not be looking out waving, she would be carefully folding up pieces of tissue and either throwing them out of the window or polishing the carriage!

This made me smile @Toony Oony .:D
 

Cata

New member
Aug 2, 2018
8
0
My Mum has been in an EMI nursing home for 2 years now and I go to see her every Sunday without fail. I love going to see her, I couldn’t imagine not going. It’s an emotional challenge which has led me to try to put it in to words:-

It feels like I’m stood on a railway station platform and Mum has got on a train - one from her era, wooden compartments with the push-down window in the doors that you can lean out of. The train’s slowly pulling out of the station and i’m waving Mum good-bye. She’s waving back, but the train’s getting further and further away and each week it’s getting harder to see Mum waving. I know she’s there on that train and I guess she knows I’m on the platform, so I keep waving as she goes off in to the distance. Slowly, ever so slowly, disappearing.

I just wanted to post that in case it resonates with anyone?
 

Cata

New member
Aug 2, 2018
8
0
My Mum has been in an EMI nursing home for 2 years now and I go to see her every Sunday without fail. I love going to see her, I couldn’t imagine not going. It’s an emotional challenge which has led me to try to put it in to words:-

It feels like I’m stood on a railway station platform and Mum has got on a train - one from her era, wooden compartments with the push-down window in the doors that you can lean out of. The train’s slowly pulling out of the station and i’m waving Mum good-bye. She’s waving back, but the train’s getting further and further away and each week it’s getting harder to see Mum waving. I know she’s there on that train and I guess she knows I’m on the platform, so I keep waving as she goes off in to the distance. Slowly, ever so slowly, disappearing.

I just wanted to post that in case it resonates with anyone?

I can understand what you are describing so clearly. My mum has been in a nursing home for just over 18 months . She was very physically frail and very confused when she was admitted. She has deteriorated physically and mentally and after a bad stroke at the beginning of June is now bedridden , asleep and non communicative most of time and hardly eating now. She may make 96 next tuesday- I dont know. It is so emotionally challenging when I visit and so hard to see ones mum drifting away so so slowly.
 

Cata

New member
Aug 2, 2018
8
0
I can understand what you are describing so clearly. My mum has been in a nursing home for just over 18 months . She was very physically frail and very confused when she was admitted. She has deteriorated physically and mentally and after a bad stroke at the beginning of June is now bedridden , asleep and non communicative most of time and hardly eating now. She may make 96 next tuesday- I dont know. It is so emotionally challenging when I visit and so hard to see ones mum drifting away so so slowly.
 

hilaryd

Registered User
May 28, 2017
84
0
A great analogy, @PhilD - reminds me of the Railway Children, which always reduces our entire family to tears! It also made me think of one of my favourite photos of my mum and dad, leaning out of the window of a train exactly like the one you describe as they set off on their honeymoon. Since mum died earlier this year (dad died back in the 1980s) it's photos like these that bring me comfort, as they're a reminder of the times when they were happy young people - and because they capture some of the events that mum could still manage to remember when the more recent ones were lost. The dementia goodbye is indeed a long and slow one - wishing you and your mum strength and comfort in yours. TP is a great place to find the people who understand.
 

Milko

New member
Feb 1, 2018
1
0
I love the train analogy. An addition may be that the people who run the railway are unaware that the train is running and are doing nothing to ensure it stays on track or is slowed down if appropriate. I believe those in the latter stages of dementia who have a little money put aside are totally ignored. They are left to their own or their families devices. In short, the NHS washes their hand of them and only deals with other issues as they arrive (UTI's etc). There is no support for those waving the train goodbye either.
 

CaringDaughter

Registered User
Sep 22, 2013
50
0
It's a lovely analogy. Very poignant for me as my Mum used to wave me off as a student going to university - she would walk along the platform beside the slowly departing train. Many years later, my turn came and I was left crying on the platform two months ago. Make sure your Mum's got what she needs for the journey (suitable food, drink, comfort) as the train company won't, and you can't travel with her. Do keep waving - it's surprising how far you and your Mum can see even when the train gathers speed. People talk of the 'dementia journey' - the train helps make it bearable. I hope you find friends on the platform.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
Some lovely posts on here :)
I especially love the analogy from @CaringDaughter about making sure mum has food, drink and comfort for her journey......and to keep on waving :)
@Milko i agree about the lack of support, especially for self funders.

See what you've started @PhilD - we can run and run with this xx
 

sysrev

New member
Apr 25, 2018
5
0
I'll say it resonates! I am a bit down at the moment and it helps to know others are out there. My wife is now violent and seems to hate me. The carers are so good and try to help me as well as Marion. I have nothing but praise and admiration for the job they do. Thanks for the post.
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
I'll say it resonates! I am a bit down at the moment and it helps to know others are out there. My wife is now violent and seems to hate me. The carers are so good and try to help me as well as Marion. I have nothing but praise and admiration for the job they do. Thanks for the post.

Welcome to TP @sysrev
I’m sorry to read about how difficult things are for you.
You’ll get lots of support here.