First post. All a bit up in the air.

mikeyboy

New member
Jul 29, 2018
7
0
Hi, my name is Mike and I am currently taking care of my brother. I have hardly seen him for around 12 years and we were never close. Around three weeks ago I had a message from his ex-wife saying he was acting strangely and he had been evicted from his house and lost his job. He was sleeping rough. I am his only sibling and so went to collect him. It was almost instantly evident to me what was wrong. His short term memory is already very bad and his speech is not what it was. We have been to see a doctor who has made him an appointment with a specialist. It is looking very likely that we are dealing with dementia. My wife and I both work and so looking after him is problematic. I am worried that if/when he gets worse how we are going to help him and what help we can get as giving up work is not really an option.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Hello @mikeyboy, welcome to TP. I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

Do have a good look around the site as it’s a mine of information. A good place to start is the Publications list as it covers all aspects of dementia. You can find the list with this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

It may also help you to check on what support is available in your area and you can do a post code check with this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,618
0
Hi, my name is Mike and I am currently taking care of my brother. I have hardly seen him for around 12 years and we were never close. Around three weeks ago I had a message from his ex-wife saying he was acting strangely and he had been evicted from his house and lost his job. He was sleeping rough. I am his only sibling and so went to collect him. It was almost instantly evident to me what was wrong. His short term memory is already very bad and his speech is not what it was. We have been to see a doctor who has made him an appointment with a specialist. It is looking very likely that we are dealing with dementia. My wife and I both work and so looking after him is problematic. I am worried that if/when he gets worse how we are going to help him and what help we can get as giving up work is not really an option.

Hi Mike, don't even think of giving up work to look after him. You and your wife need to help your brother but I am not sure that moving him in with you permanently is a good idea. It is extremely hard and very wearing to look after someone with dementia and you may regret it. I don't want to sound so despondent but I am thinking of you and your wife. Caring for a person with dementia can be life changing for the carers and not always in a good way.

You will get other responses that can offer you better advice than I can but I think that you need to involve the social services quite soon to get him assessed. Best wishes to you and your wife.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
Hello @mikeyboy and welcome to TP

I agree with @Duggies-girl . Of course you feel a responsibility to look out for your brother and ensure he sees a doctor and gets the help he needs. However, he does not live with you and now is not the time to start!! I’m afraid that if you do take on your brother’s day to day care, the authorities will be only too happy to let you continue indefinitely- irrespective of you, your wife’s or your brother’s best interests. So I’d say take a stand now, and help your brother get appropriate care and accommodation at the earliest opportunity. You’ll still be able to see him, be his advocate etc.
All the best to you and I hope you get a proper diagnosis soon.
Lindy xx
 

Fullticket

Registered User
Apr 19, 2016
486
0
Chard, Somerset
I totally agree with other posts. If you take your brother in permanently now the council, social services et al will be happy for you to do this. But...are you prepared to give up your job and become a full time carer? Can you afford it? Do you actually want to do it? If the answer to any of these is no then far better take the stand now and refuse to become his carer. It sounds harsh and unfeeling and you may be swamped with guilt but it will mean that your brother gets the care he needs immediately. There are many things you can do to support him and I would suggest concentrating on what you can do from a distance and be the liaison with services rather than the main carer.
 

mikeyboy

New member
Jul 29, 2018
7
0
Thanks for the feedback guys. One thing I forgot to mention in the original post is that my brother is just 39 years old. He is still at a stage where he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and we are all fussing about nothing.Our next appointment is in October so it is looking like everything is going to be a slow process.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,618
0
Thanks for the feedback guys. One thing I forgot to mention in the original post is that my brother is just 39 years old. He is still at a stage where he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and we are all fussing about nothing.Our next appointment is in October so it is looking like everything is going to be a slow process.

Hi @mikeyboy I feel for you and totally understand that you want to help your brother. He is only 39 years old so are you sure that it is dementia as it could be something else. Did the GP do any blood tests because vitamin deficiency can cause symptoms similar to dementia.

By all means help your brother but for your own sake's think really hard before you take him on full time. You don't say how old you and your wife are but your brother is still young and may need care for many, many years. If either of you stop working you could end up with reduced pensions and of course reduced savings. Getting financial help when caring is not as simple as it sounds. I had a real fight to get my dad's DLA upped before I could get carers allowance.

Also are there any children or young people living at home with you. Don't underestimate the effects of living with a PWD (person with dementia) can have on them. Also your wife, does she have any real understanding of what she may be getting herself into. Caring can cause resentment.

You really need to get help with this and very soon.
 

Amethyst59

Registered User
Jul 3, 2017
5,776
0
Kent
Hello, I think the very first step I’d to get a diagnosis, so that you know what you are dealing with. If it is dementia, then I think the terms to use to Social Services are a ‘vulnerable adult at risk’. I do agree though, that if it is deemed that you will provide full time care, it would be accepted, so you need to make it plain what you can and cannot do.
 

mikeyboy

New member
Jul 29, 2018
7
0
Hi @mikeyboy I feel for you and totally understand that you want to help your brother. He is only 39 years old so are you sure that it is dementia as it could be something else. Did the GP do any blood tests because vitamin deficiency can cause symptoms similar to dementia.

By all means help your brother but for your own sake's think really hard before you take him on full time. You don't say how old you and your wife are but your brother is still young and may need care for many, many years. If either of you stop working you could end up with reduced pensions and of course reduced savings. Getting financial help when caring is not as simple as it sounds. I had a real fight to get my dad's DLA upped before I could get carers allowance.

Also are there any children or young people living at home with you. Don't underestimate the effects of living with a PWD (person with dementia) can have on them. Also your wife, does she have any real understanding of what she may be getting herself into. Caring can cause resentment.

You really need to get help with this and very soon.
Hi @mikeyboy I feel for you and totally understand that you want to help your brother. He is only 39 years old so are you sure that it is dementia as it could be something else. Did the GP do any blood tests because vitamin deficiency can cause symptoms similar to dementia.

By all means help your brother but for your own sake's think really hard before you take him on full time. You don't say how old you and your wife are but your brother is still young and may need care for many, many years. If either of you stop working you could end up with reduced pensions and of course reduced savings. Getting financial help when caring is not as simple as it sounds. I had a real fight to get my dad's DLA upped before I could get carers allowance.

Also are there any children or young people living at home with you. Don't underestimate the effects of living with a PWD (person with dementia) can have on them. Also your wife, does she have any real understanding of what she may be getting herself into. Caring can cause resentment.

You really need to get help with this and very soon.
My wife and I are both in our 40's and we have both had first hand experience of dementia. My father had dementia when I was a teenager and my wife has worked in care homes so she has also seen the effects. Blood tests have been done but no problems there. We are just in limbo now until our next appointment in October.