The guilt never goes away, does it?

[fearful fiona]

My first post when I joined TP 18 months ago was about guilt, and here we go again.

My Mum's been in an EMI home since beginning of June and I couldn't want for more for her. She's well looked after, it's a nice place, basic but with lovely carers and nurses and she's always beautifully turned out and kept occupied, as much as they can.

She has good days and bad days. When I saw her last Friday, she was more coherent than usual, but kept saying that she wanted to leave and come and live with me (wouldn't be any trouble etc etc.).

Overcome with guilt (again), I had to keep reminding myself that :

She gets paranoid and aggressive and hits people (she used to hit me)
She won't take her medication
She's doubly incontinent
She needs looking after by people properly qualified to do it
etc. etc.
and I don't actually have room for her at home and have to work part-time to top up my pension.

Just putting this down in print helps me, maybe it will help other people who go through this.

It doesn't get any easier, does it?

 

[Brucie]

It doesn't get any easier

Not those aspects, not ever.

However, simply knowing we are doing the right thing for the person's wellbeing does make for some relief, and if by doing that, we also make things better for ourselves and family, then that is probably the best we can hope for.

Thanks for posting this - it is always good to view things in retrospect to give balance.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Fiona

No it doesn`t get easier but you do have to appreciate these requests are from a lady with dementia who has given you, through no fault of her own, hell in the past.

And I know how many times Dhiren has told me how sorry he is for his behaviour, how he will take control, and how he needs just one more chance to become the perfect person.

And I also know his challenges are not half as aggressive as those your mother showed before she went into the home.

So no, it doesn`t get easier, but you do know, deep down, you have no need for guilt.

Love xx

 

[Skye]

Overcome with guilt (again), I had to keep reminding myself that :

She gets paranoid and aggressive and hits people (she used to hit me)
She won't take her medication
She's doubly incontinent
She needs looking after by people properly qualified to do it
etc. etc.
and I don't actually have room for her at home and have to work part-time to top up my pension.

Hi Fifi

No, it doesn't get any easier!

Apart from #3 & 4, my reasons are different from yours, but I have to keep reminding myself of what they are.

However much people tell you you couldn't manage, the guilt just never goes away.

But you know it's the only possible solution for your mum, and she is well cared-for and usually happy.

Print out your reasons and stick them up in a prominent place. read them every day, and especially when you feel you should have another try.


Love and hugs,

 

[fearful fiona]

Thanks for your support dear friends. I am now off to visit my Mum with renewed vigour!

Love to all.

 

[SkiTTish]

If your mum wasnt ill she would be mortified that you are feling guilty!your mum would just be very proud of you