Dad lost his fight tonight

[yak55]

He lost his long battle at 6.12pm tonight, I was in the car on the way to see him.... Today, they said he had days to live... Then they said his breathing was shallow, but he was ok.... Kept ringing the care home , nurse was fantastic ..... She then said he had tempature, so I said " ok will be there " she rang ten mins later and said he had gone , my best friend said we should go and see his body and say goodbye, but I couldnt, I just couldn't .... Should I have done, it's to late now !!!! ... It's scary cos I am ok one min, then I have this overwhelming sadness and I cry ..... We had a very turbulent relationship, in fact we hated each other most of my life .... I did not speak to him for 12 years after my mum died, then was told he was not well and gave up work to look after him for three years.... What I am trying to say is that , I finally got a relationship with my dad and now he died alone ...... God bless everyone on this bloody horrible journey xxxxxx

I'm so sorry to hear this but glad that you did get to have a relationship with your dad in the end.
My fit and healthy dad had a short illness and died in a hospice last year, I wasn't here when he died as I had to care for my mum, I couldn't see him when he had died at the hospice because I had to care for my mum.
In the end, actually two days before the funeral I saw my dad in the funeral directors.
I am so glad I did, I'd already said all I had to say while he was alive and I was very lucky to have a special bond with my pops, but seeing him at the end of his life gave me hope that I will oneaysee him again.
Sending you hugs xxx

 

[susanne1964]

Thank you so so much for all your very kind thoughts, today has been really strange because I was also moving home.. it has been tiring but also took my mind of things... I have tears behind my eyes and broke down a few times but the friends who were helping me move totally understood and were kind... I know that my mum was waiting for him , when he passed, will take a while to get over the guilt, but also take on board from all you guys and what friends have been telling me all day ... we made our peace when he was able of mind... in fact I remember he said to me one day “ Susie you are my favourite, always have been” and I agreed not letting him know what we had been through , so I keep trying to remember taking him to golf (I couldn’t play) he was In his time excellent and had a handicap of 8 ... just trying to focus on the good... my friend said to me today “ you are not stressed with this move are you “ I replied “ how can I be stressed after what has happened” god bless you all xxxxx

 

[Hazara8]

He lost his long battle at 6.12pm tonight, I was in the car on the way to see him.... Today, they said he had days to live... Then they said his breathing was shallow, but he was ok.... Kept ringing the care home , nurse was fantastic ..... She then said he had tempature, so I said " ok will be there " she rang ten mins later and said he had gone , my best friend said we should go and see his body and say goodbye, but I couldnt, I just couldn't .... Should I have done, it's to late now !!!! ... It's scary cos I am ok one min, then I have this overwhelming sadness and I cry ..... We had a very turbulent relationship, in fact we hated each other most of my life .... I did not speak to him for 12 years after my mum died, then was told he was not well and gave up work to look after him for three years.... What I am trying to say is that , I finally got a relationship with my dad and now he died alone ...... God bless everyone on this bloody horrible journey xxxxxx

I was with both of my parents when they died. But I did not feel any need to view the bodies later. Mine was as good a relationship with a mother and father that you could ever wish to enjoy. I was lucky. We are all so different in terms of circumstances and the lives we lead and if and when they become 'turbulent', especially in respect of our parents, then that can be very challenging. And so, those twelve years after your mother died, will have been very significant for you. And yet you took on the caring role for your father despite all of that. That says it all.

A body is still simply just that when it no longer breathes life, The thing that truly matters is
that you were there whilst your father lived and restored the daughter/father relationship.

There are bound to be tears, not only because of the nature of this disease and the manner in which it claims so much of someone's life, but the culmination of so much genuine pain and anxiety and perhaps even disappointment at not being there at the end. But you WERE there when it really counted. One should cherish that. Dementia has no regard for despair or broken hearts whilst it reaps a whirlwind of debilitation throughout our loved ones. But we do have that capacity to care and to love and maybe to exonerate from blame, if indeed that is relevant. And when the journey comes to an end, it might well seem unreal, unresolved and in some way a kind of empty void yawning before you, but the pain is over for the one who bore the disease and that is a fact. That alone affords a degree of comfort. But let no one try and curb a need to shed tears. After such a long time there has to be a release of all that has gone before and which was probably contained for longer than one might think. You owe it to yourself to feel free to do just that.

 

[Kikki21]

I am so sorry for your loss but please do not feel guilty that you were not there. Moving house & darling with your dad passing away are 2 very big things.
You were very selfless in giving up work to look after your dad bearing in mind your past relationship with him. I’m sure that would have mended things a lot between you.
If truth be told, my mum & I have never had a great relationship but I am doing all I can for her at the care home so that she is well looked after so I know what you mean.

I was with my dad when he passed away & to be honest, I wish I had not been there, it didn’t really help me. So many things are blocked out from my memories as I was also ill during that time, I was off work for 3 weeks & had a double chest infection. It is a very personal thing & there are no rights or wrongs. Do what is best for you xx

 

[Unconditional love]

Please accept my deepest condolences this is a very difficult time for you but remember you both built a good father/daughter relationship hold on to the good memories as for feeling guilty about not being there with him at the end I believe he would have wanted to spare you that moment and I also believe that someone that had passed before him came and took his hand and guided him, be kind to yourself.

 

[Rolypoly]

Sending my condolences on your loss. I too missed being with my father at the end, he had cancer not dementia, and lived some way away. I was on my way for the weekend to see him in the care home when he died. I felt sad that I had not been with him but I did not see him after. I wanted to remember him as form the last time I saw him which was the previous weekend. We had a great relationship and had always been close. Hang on to the fact that you rebuilt your relationship with your dad and remember the good times. Whether you see him or not is up to you and how you feel, don’t feel pressured by guilt because you have nothing to feel guilty for. Go with your heart.

 

[hilaryd]

Just adding to the condolences, @susanne1964 - I hope you can find comfort in a new place, your friends and family and the knowledge that you've been there for your dad when he most needed you. Wishing you well.

 

[Cazzita]

Condolences, you did a wonderful thing for your dad. Focus on the good. XXX

 

[susanne1964]

I love this website, purely for the wonderful support and kind words that everyone gives, even though you are all going through this horrible time yourselves.
i thank you all for the bottom of my heart for the support that you have given me in recent years and days....
I went back to work today, as dads funeral is not until next Friday... The team I work with are fantastic, they were so kind that I actually cried again...
After looking after dad I changed my role from finance to working in the community, providing support for people that live alone and are vulnerable and I LOVE IT.. When I went back to work today most of my clients were so pleased to see me that just for three hours I put to the back of my mind what is happening and realised that it is just not just me that is going through this but so so many people.
I will keep coming onto this lovely site and I hope that in the future I can give positive advice, love and care that I have received from you all
God bless xxxxxxx

 

[Rolypoly]

You are most welcome, and please keep popping in . It’s great that you have such a rewarding job and one that is offering you support, as well as a distraction at the moment. I hope all goes well with the funeral next Friday, I’ll be thinking of you.

You sound a lovely caring person. Take care.

 

[susanne1964]

@Rolypoly , thank you so much, sleep is avoiding me tonight xx

 

[susanne1964]

The funeral is on Friday and I am not coping,I have fallen out with the familt big time... Long before dad passed, over the fact that he moved within a mile of them all and I had to beg them to see him..
Unless he was signing a cheque of course ....
Am so so sad and yet so angry at the same time xx

 

[Rolypoly]

It’s understandable that your emotions are going to be all over the place. Don’t let family arguments get in the way on Friday, save your emotions and thoughts for saying a farewell to your father, don’t waste them on others. Set yourself small goals for each day...today I will do... so that you don’t feel overwhelmed. Remember you can post whatever you want on here...cry, rant, laugh, smile, ask questions, ask for help, whatever you need to help you cope.

Sending you a big hug and strength to see you through Friday and the days beyond.

 

[susanne1964]

@Rolypoly , I don't want to go ... We are at loggerheads, my kids were the only ones that went to see him in the last few days.... My siblings have only been interested in the money. Now they are playing "oh my god I loved my father" , sorry where where they when he was going through it ....
Is that bad ? X

 

[Rolypoly]

No,it isn’t bad. Unfortunately many of us looking after loved ones with dementia have invisible or grasping relatives, crying at the end, waiting for the final cheque. You don’t have to socialise with them at the funeral. Turn up, keep within your own ‘bubble’ ignoring and after the service you can speak to those you want to and then go home. Have you spoken to your children about it? No one has to go to a funeral, whether you do go is entirely up to you, how would you feel afterwards if you didn’t go? Some people need the funeral as closure, a chance to say a final farewell. Is there someone who could be with you to support you, especially when family are around? Sorry to ask so many questions when you feel so wretched.

Just noticed you have another thread. What I want to say is... don’t let your feuding family stop you from going to the funeral.

 

[Jale]

So sad that you are having to cope with family as well as the loss of your Dad. The first step is to try your best to get through Friday, what happens after that I think I would be having a meeting with your/your dad's solicitor.

Sending hugs and take care

 

[Duggies-girl]

Thank you so so much for all your very kind thoughts, today has been really strange because I was also moving home.. it has been tiring but also took my mind of things... I have tears behind my eyes and broke down a few times but the friends who were helping me move totally understood and were kind... I know that my mum was waiting for him , when he passed, will take a while to get over the guilt, but also take on board from all you guys and what friends have been telling me all day ... we made our peace when he was able of mind... in fact I remember he said to me one day “ Susie you are my favourite, always have been” and I agreed not letting him know what we had been through , so I keep trying to remember taking him to golf (I couldn’t play) he was In his time excellent and had a handicap of 8 ... just trying to focus on the good... my friend said to me today “ you are not stressed with this move are you “ I replied “ how can I be stressed after what has happened” god bless you all xxxxx

Oh my goodness @susanne1964 my dad used to take me to golf and I was a daddy's girl too, still am I suppose. Lovely memories. hang on to them and thank you for reminding me of them.

 

[Distressed55]

@Rolypoly , I don't want to go ... We are at loggerheads, my kids were the only ones that went to see him in the last few days.... My siblings have only been interested in the money. Now they are playing "oh my god I loved my father" , sorry where where they when he was going through it ....
Is that bad ? X

This sounds so familiar. If you don’t feel up to going to the funeral, then don’t. Better that than losing your temper with your hypocritical siblings. You can always have an alternative farewell ceremony, with just you and your children. That way the ones who cared for him in his final days all have a part in saying goodbye as they want - so poems, songs, funny stories and so on, in a place that was important to your dad.

 

[LynneMcV]

I do understand your dread of going to funeral but try not to let your feelings towards your family colour your judgement.

When my husband passed away recently I was so enraged towards those who had turned their backs on him once dementia took hold; including some who had run him into financial debt through continuously taking advantage of his good nature (until I took over the finances) - that I was determined to hold the funeral in his homeland of Scotand, instead of London, just to be out of their reach.

As it was, all the bureaucracy and 'unknowns' which came with trying to do that proved more than I could cope with at that time and so we held the funeral in London anyway. Yes, the people I wanted to avoid were there, but it did not impact on the day. There were many more people there who had true affection for my husband and he for them - and they were the ones I mingled with and who made it such an uplifting farewell.

Looking back I am glad the people I wanted to avoid had not succeeded in making me act on impulse. Being able to say a proper farewell and talk to those who had such fond and happy memories to share with me is what gave me the strength I needed and a feeling of closure.

If the thought of the funeral is simply too much for you to face emotionally, that is one thing - but after my own experience I would say don't let it be because you want to avoid people who you would rather not be there.

Whatever you decide to do on Friday, I will be thinking of you.

 

[susanne1964]

Thank you so so much all. I have spoken to my children and we are going to the funeral. We are not going to the wake. It will turn into a major "drink up" , there is another word but won't use it ..I have decided that I am not going I the funeral car, I will drive behind it... I am so so frustrated with all of them ..... Can you believe dad has paid for his own bloody wreath