How to tell OH I am taking a break

[Herewego]

I am going away for 3 nights/4 days next week and apart from going 'home' (overseas) to visit family, or work trips I have never gone away without my OH but I need a break and will be taking it next week. I have organised my children to pick up from me for the few days I am away. I also have OH going to a day centre one of the days, friends take him to lunch on one day - so that only leaves 2 full days (and all the nights) where the children will need to look after him.

So - I guess my real question is, how do I tell him I am going away for a break without taking him with me and without him feeling upset.

I thought I might say I have been asked to go away for work (which was not unusual when I was working) - since he seems to think that I (and he) still work! I am concerned about not telling him the truth while at the same time I am not sure he would understand the truth.

Any suggestions / advice?

 

[margherita]

A three-day business trip
A one-day business trip that lasts longer because of unexpected events
A relative / friend who needs you
A minor surgery you have to undergo ( touch wood!)

Telling the truth is useless, I agree. He would forget about it and, before forgetting, he would be upset/ angry/ scared..

 

[karaokePete]

If your OH thinks you still work and was used to you going on business trips I would use that rouse.

People with dementia can handle and accept the familiar better than anything else. Also, if he asks about the trip you have a lot of history to be able to recount accurate, all be it historical, facts.

 

[Mudgee Joy]

I think

A three-day business trip
A one-day business trip that lasts longer because of unexpected events
A relative / friend who needs you
A minor surgery you have to undergo ( touch wood!)

Telling the truth is useless, I agree. He would forget about it and, before forgetting, he would be upset/ angry/ scared..

Thanks Margherit
I need to store these reasons as I haven't had a night off in 14 months and would love to one day - probably next year - I totally agree telling the truth is useless !

 

[Herewego]

A three-day business trip
A one-day business trip that lasts longer because of unexpected events
A relative / friend who needs you
A minor surgery you have to undergo ( touch wood!)

Telling the truth is useless, I agree. He would forget about it and, before forgetting, he would be upset/ angry/ scared..

Thanks Margherita, guess I just needed someone to tell me it is OK to obscure the truth! This illness is such a pain! In the past we could talk about anything - now he really doesn't make sense and talking to him about anything 'real' gets twisted into various versions, none of which actually resemble the truth.

He seems to always have some obsession going - either going away/to the airport/ business trip etal - the current one is working - drives me nuts

Can't wait for my days off!! Have already decided that I don't plan to ring home while I am away and will tell the kids they can ring me but unless they need to, they can tell me all about looking after dad when I get back - I suspect they won't volunteer to do it again and perhaps have more awareness when I get back!! They are good really but don't think they have a clue about what it is like to be totally responsible for everything 24/7 - plus babysitting their children 2 days a week!! I don't want to give up babysitting - I love my grand-kids but that doesn't mean it is easy juggling everything.

 

[Herewego]

If your OH thinks you still work and was used to you going on business trips I would use that rouse.

People with dementia can handle and accept the familiar better than anything else. Also, if he asks about the trip you have a lot of history to be able to recount accurate, all be it historical, facts.

Thanks KaraokePete, I think I will use that, it would make sense to him just now as he thinks we are both working and so it wouldn't be confusing - now I just need to decide on the backstory. I so hate 'making up a story' but I guess - such is life just now..........

 

[Beate]

Also, don't tell him too early or he will fret for days, or forget and you'll have to tell him again. Make it all as casual as you can. "Ok, I'm off now. See you in a few days, as agreed."

 

[margherita]

I haven't had a night off in 14 months

Take care of yourself.
Can't you have some days off before next year? You must be so tired .
I am more exasperated than physically tired.
My husband is still independent. He can wash, dress, eat , drive locally, but his memory is poor as well as his reasoning.
I can leave him only by day every now and then. We have been living in the country since he retired. Not a soul to have a chat with.
I have given up talking to him because he doesn't often understand what I mean and we end up arguing.

 

[Herewego]

Also, don't tell him too early or he will fret for days, or forget and you'll have to tell him again. Make it all as casual as you can. "Ok, I'm off now. See you in a few days, as agreed."

Yes that was my plan - intend to tell him Tuesday after day centre as I have to take the dog to her sleepover place (she goes to friends when we are away). Then on Wednesday am will do just that - Beate, thanks for confirming my timing!

 

[Herewego]

Take care of yourself.
Can't you have some days off before next year? You must be so tired .
I am more exasperated than physically tired.
My husband is still independent. He can wash, dress, eat , drive locally, but his memory is poor as well as his reasoning.
I can leave him only by day every now and then. We have been living in the country since he retired. Not a soul to have a chat with.
I have given up talking to him because he doesn't often understand what I mean and we end up arguing.

That sounds so familiar Margherita - that is where we were 12 months ago, my OH has really deteriorated over the last 12 months...........

 

[Mudgee Joy]

Hello @margherita, I take a hour here and there - and organise a working day once a fortnight - but no actual night off- we don’t have any care sitters in our town - and I can’t contemplete putting him in respite yet - he would have a set back for sure - my plan is to ask my sister to stay over one night while I sleep upstairs - it’s a long long term plan as I am organising the day bed etc then I could decide if I could sleep away. Small steps .

 

[Niggy]

I am going away for 3 nights/4 days next week and apart from going 'home' (overseas) to visit family, or work trips I have never gone away without my OH but I need a break and will be taking it next week. I have organised my children to pick up from me for the few days I am away. I also have OH going to a day centre one of the days, friends take him to lunch on one day - so that only leaves 2 full days (and all the nights) where the children will need to look after him.

So - I guess my real question is, how do I tell him I am going away for a break without taking him with me and without him feeling upset.

I thought I might say I have been asked to go away for work (which was not unusual when I was working) - since he seems to think that I (and he) still work! I am concerned about not telling him the truth while at the same time I am not sure he would understand the truth.

Any suggestions / advice?

I am going away for 3 nights/4 days next week and apart from going 'home' (overseas) to visit family, or work trips I have never gone away without my OH but I need a break and will be taking it next week. I have organised my children to pick up from me for the few days I am away. I also have OH going to a day centre one of the days, friends take him to lunch on one day - so that only leaves 2 full days (and all the nights) where the children will need to look after him.

So - I guess my real question is, how do I tell him I am going away for a break without taking him with me and without him feeling upset.

I thought I might say I have been asked to go away for work (which was not unusual when I was working) - since he seems to think that I (and he) still work! I am concerned about not telling him the truth while at the same time I am not sure he would understand the truth.

Any suggestions / advice?

I am going away for 3 nights/4 days next week and apart from going 'home' (overseas) to visit family, or work trips I have never gone away without my OH but I need a break and will be taking it next week. I have organised my children to pick up from me for the few days I am away. I also have OH going to a day centre one of the days, friends take him to lunch on one day - so that only leaves 2 full days (and all the nights) where the children will need to look after him.

So - I guess my real question is, how do I tell him I am going away for a break without taking him with me and without him feeling upset.

I thought I might say I have been asked to go away for work (which was not unusual when I was working) - since he seems to think that I (and he) still work! I am concerned about not telling him the truth while at the same time I am not sure he would understand the truth.

Any suggestions / advice?

Hi Margherita,
I don't yet have any practical experience of this, but I have read a marvellous book which provides answers to all these questions. It is called "Contented Dementia" by Oliver James and it seems very sensible and helpful. Please read it. It will be in your local library or you can get a paperback from Amazon. Then you will have advance strategies for any situation that might arise.