Thank you so much. The things she is saying are very hurtful and I spiteful and I hate the way she accuses my children of not visiting mum enough. They wanted to remember their grandma how she was, not as a dribbling wreck who did not recognise them. So very sad
It is a very sad feature of this particular time, that family members can prove to be quite
extraordinarily insensitive and things are said which bear no relationship whatsoever to the depths of caring for a loved one with dementia. The essence of that care does not recognise that expression of unfeelingness, because such things are totally absent from the process of care, as the depths of heartache reached when one is living with the one who bears the scourge of dementia, are such, that only the actual delivery of that care, in heart and soul, exists. All the post bereavement matters - the official procedures, the formalities, the paperwork and so on - whilst unavoidable, are nevertheless, trivial by comparison to what has gone before.
A hospital Sister told me, that she often witnessed 'family angst' after a loved one had died and in her view, 'guilt' did play its part. There is, perhaps, a kind of innate 'guilt' from those who are prone to criticize, which evolves from a genuine awareness that another has taken on the burden of care with all its implications, and that 'guilt' manifests itself by way of antagonism borne out of frustration - a way by which that 'guilt' can be seemingly alleviated, by finding something that underpins the 'guilt' factor, making it acceptable. Clearly a lacking and a rather sad one. And at such a time as this, unfeeling without a doubt.
The overriding truth in all of this, remains with the facts, and they can never be harmed nor changed. The 'care' which stems from the heart and which is given without reservation to another - in my own case, also a mother - is immune to all the unfortunate aftermath of debate or upset which might take place after the loved one has died. All the trauma and the despair, and the so often dramatic expression of dementia, which goes hand-in-hand with that ongoing care, the times when you can laugh together, or cry, or simply wait in anticipation of what is to come, and the fact that one's life is truly committed to that act of unceasing and loving care, all of this is totally removed from negative thought or behaviour.
Unless you have trodden than 'dementia' path, you cannot possibly understand what is means in all truth. The essence of which, you cherish for the remainder of your life. In that respect, we thus make allowances for such misgivings which might come about, however hurtful, even from the siblings. For you cannot, alas, share that 'essence' with them. Perhaps therein lies the source of any feelings of contrition, in others.