My beautiful mum died on 25th June aged 80, 12 years after being diagnosed with dementia. We buried her yesterday. Apart from the day she died, I just haven’t cried yet and I can’t understand it. When Dad died of cancer 7 years ago I wept for weeks, but with Mum, nothing. Even at the funeral with my family all crying about me I just didn’t. I am so sad for her and loved her so very much, but just feel quite empty really. Has anyone else experienced the same?
Why Can’t I Cry?
- Thread starter Luckylisa
- Start date
My husband died three and a half years ago, I have cried twice I think.. the hurt is just too much..
Hi @Luckylisa , my condolences on your loss 
My first thought was, you've done all your grieving, while your mum's dementia was progressing, but that isn't quite right, is it? Then I thought....maybe you're just too exhausted to cry? And that too only seems like part of the answer.
I haven't experienced this situation yet and the truth is that I'm dreading it. Mum is nearly 97, in a care home and in an advanced stage of her illness, so who knows when it will be....I know I'll be beside myself inside, but I fear that I've been holding in emotions for so long that, like you, I won't be able to cry.
There is of course no right or wrong way, and it's early days for you. But as you say, it seemed so much more straightforward when dad died two days after a stroke, some fifteen years ago. Like you, I cried and cried then
Sending you (((hugs))) and best wishes.
Lindy xx
My first thought was, you've done all your grieving, while your mum's dementia was progressing, but that isn't quite right, is it? Then I thought....maybe you're just too exhausted to cry? And that too only seems like part of the answer.
I haven't experienced this situation yet and the truth is that I'm dreading it. Mum is nearly 97, in a care home and in an advanced stage of her illness, so who knows when it will be....I know I'll be beside myself inside, but I fear that I've been holding in emotions for so long that, like you, I won't be able to cry.
There is of course no right or wrong way, and it's early days for you. But as you say, it seemed so much more straightforward when dad died two days after a stroke, some fifteen years ago. Like you, I cried and cried then
Sending you (((hugs))) and best wishes.
Lindy xx
Hi Luckylisa,
I am just the same. My dear little Mum died in December last year. She was 101 years old and had been suffering with alzheimer's dementia for over 11 years. I cared for her at home for 5 years and the final years she was in a wonderful dementia care home. But as the illness progressed it got harder for her, she was tormented by it all and it came as a great relief when she eventually passed away. My Dad died in 2008 and even now I get very tearful thinking of him, but although I loved them both so very much, I haven't really cried since my Mum died. I think that the mourning had been done in the final years and in the end it was a great relief for Mum and for me when she finally left this earth.
I'm comforted by the hope that she and Dad will be together - that's all they really wanted, they were so devoted to each other.
Love and hugs from Pauline xxxx
I am just the same. My dear little Mum died in December last year. She was 101 years old and had been suffering with alzheimer's dementia for over 11 years. I cared for her at home for 5 years and the final years she was in a wonderful dementia care home. But as the illness progressed it got harder for her, she was tormented by it all and it came as a great relief when she eventually passed away. My Dad died in 2008 and even now I get very tearful thinking of him, but although I loved them both so very much, I haven't really cried since my Mum died. I think that the mourning had been done in the final years and in the end it was a great relief for Mum and for me when she finally left this earth.
I'm comforted by the hope that she and Dad will be together - that's all they really wanted, they were so devoted to each other.
Love and hugs from Pauline xxxx
Condolences to you on your sad loss
I grieved for my dad two years ago when we lost him to vascular dementia, was a hard two years. Dad passed away a year ago,he was finally peaceful, I never really cried, anniversary of his death this June, I cried for hours for the first time.
Now we on same journey with mum...
I grieved for my dad two years ago when we lost him to vascular dementia, was a hard two years. Dad passed away a year ago,he was finally peaceful, I never really cried, anniversary of his death this June, I cried for hours for the first time.
Now we on same journey with mum...
Everyone grieves differently and I think that just because you cried when your dad died, doesn't mean that the circumstances or the emotions are the same for your mum. I posted the other day (about 'me time') about picking up my mum's ashes and how the grieving process had gone on until I felt I was able to collect them, five months after the event. I also said that I had allowed myself some time to grieve (and no, I don't think I ever cried, apart from a minute or so while she was suffering in hospital because of the physical condition that took her life). But after the event I did wonder what I was on this planet for, with nothing impelling to do, no-one to care for and no-one needing me; I did not feel useful to anyone! All about me, not about mum. I just let it happen but, if it had gone on too long, then I think I would have had a bit of a talk with myself to work out what was going on. I am lucky and am coming out of it naturally.
If you need a bereavement counsellor then get some help, although they may feel it is too soon, but I think you have to give yourself some time to deal with this on your own. At the moment you have been buoyed up by funeral arrangements, family arrangements and presumably now all the admin that goes with sorting out her estate. So, just like the caring role, at the moment you have no 'me time' to allow yourself to grieve.
Sending you a big hug and the hope that it all comes together over the next few weeks/months.
If you need a bereavement counsellor then get some help, although they may feel it is too soon, but I think you have to give yourself some time to deal with this on your own. At the moment you have been buoyed up by funeral arrangements, family arrangements and presumably now all the admin that goes with sorting out her estate. So, just like the caring role, at the moment you have no 'me time' to allow yourself to grieve.
Sending you a big hug and the hope that it all comes together over the next few weeks/months.
Its hardly any time at all and you have been busy with funeral arrangements and everything else that is necessary after someone dies. Ill bet that when your dad died your mum did the bulk of the arrangements. You are in "coping mode", having to hold everything together in order to get through this time, with your emotions closed down. I didnt shed a tear at mums funeral either.
Dont worry, the grieving will happen in its own time.
(((((hugs))))))
Dont worry, the grieving will happen in its own time.
(((((hugs))))))
What you describe isn't unusual; you must be emotionally wrung out, and, as Canary has said, you're in coping mode...
To be honest, I saw my husband's death as a merciful release from the torture the Dementia had put him through, and now, several months later, I can't cry because he escaped, though tears for missing the lovely companion he was do come along at unexpected moments...
Be gentle with yourself.....you've been through so much...
Grieving comes in many different ways.
My husband passed away around the same time as your mother, the funeral is tomorrow, and so far I have only had a few tears here and there.
I think it is a mix of things - the fact that we have been in coping mode for so long, not just with funeral arrangements now, but building up invisible, protective walls around us over the years to numb the pain just so that we could get through the days and be strong for our loved ones.
It's self-preservation, but that wall has chinks in it and gradually it will come down, but it doesn't necessarily come as an opening of the flood gates - for many, like us, it will be piecemeal.
I also agree with comments that, as carers, there have been lots of moments down the years where we have shed tears as the disease took its toll on our loved ones. My flood gate moment was the day they told me that my husband would need to go into a nursing home - nothing before or after that moment has had that same level of impact on me.
I have no doubt that you too have had moments down the years where something has happened to bring about that same kind of reaction.
You know you loved your mum beyond words just as I know I loved my husband beyond measure. The fact that we are not crying as much as we think we should takes nothing of that love away. The coping and self-preservation mode are still firmly in place, but we will come through the process of grief in our own good time.
Don't be hard on yourself and don't question yourself - it is as it should be, there is no right or wrong in this situation
My husband passed away around the same time as your mother, the funeral is tomorrow, and so far I have only had a few tears here and there.
I think it is a mix of things - the fact that we have been in coping mode for so long, not just with funeral arrangements now, but building up invisible, protective walls around us over the years to numb the pain just so that we could get through the days and be strong for our loved ones.
It's self-preservation, but that wall has chinks in it and gradually it will come down, but it doesn't necessarily come as an opening of the flood gates - for many, like us, it will be piecemeal.
I also agree with comments that, as carers, there have been lots of moments down the years where we have shed tears as the disease took its toll on our loved ones. My flood gate moment was the day they told me that my husband would need to go into a nursing home - nothing before or after that moment has had that same level of impact on me.
I have no doubt that you too have had moments down the years where something has happened to bring about that same kind of reaction.
You know you loved your mum beyond words just as I know I loved my husband beyond measure. The fact that we are not crying as much as we think we should takes nothing of that love away. The coping and self-preservation mode are still firmly in place, but we will come through the process of grief in our own good time.
Don't be hard on yourself and don't question yourself - it is as it should be, there is no right or wrong in this situation
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