Hello Everyone

[nick@wass.me.uk]

My first post here.

Dad, 82, has vascular dementia and is now getting pretty bad. In many ways he isn't the problem but my mother is. We've had a really hard time with her as she mostly wants to deny that there is a problem and often insists that he does what he does just to be difficult. She has also been extremely resistant to letting anyone other than family come and help. She has also, for reasons best known to her, decided that cleaning the house is not something she wants to do anymore.

I imagine that a lot of people face the same sort of problem. It is just difficult to have to not interfere too much and watch Dad stumble about and not be very clean.

 

[suzanne]

welcome

Welcome to TP lots of advice to be found here from a very large amount of people in the same boat. Denial of your father's condition by your mother and home circumstances seem to a theme that goes with Alzheimer's, the energy to keep house and personal cleanliness is an uphill battle, the carer's and attendance allowance is the way to afford people to come in to the home and give help. Have your parents been assessed? To apply contact your local council and they can give you all the gen, then it's a matter of little by little in the introduction of help as too much at once can cause aggression and refusal of all help. Also you need to get a social worker involved,[if not already] best way is via their gp. Best of luck and keep posting.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Nick

Please don`t be too hard on your mother.

I doubt she is in denial, but I understand her unwillingness to talk about dementia as it`s such a daunting subject and one which will never have a happy ending.

She is probably too exhausted to care about housework as much as she did, especially if she is continually clearing up after your father. From my own experience, as soon as I clean, something happens to make it necessary to clean again. It is very tiring.
And then she may be very tired. Does she have broken nights? Does she have to cope with challenging behaviour? Does she have any time for herself?

Please don`t think I`m being critical of you. I`m just trying to present the situation from your mothers point of view. Perhaps you could just be there for both of your parents in a non judgemental way and eventually your mother may be willing to acknowledge she is having difficulties and might accept your help.

 

[Grunzle]

Hi, welcome aboard !
I am new myself and haven't posted yet, I get comfort from knowing that other people and coping with similar problems.
I couldn't help but smile to read your mother has decided she doesn't like cleaning, I know how she feels ! sorry that comment is not at all helpful but may make you smile.
I think it is very hard for the person closest to someone who is ill, dementia or any other illness, to admit to themselves that their loved one is not going to get better. My father moved to a bungalow so he could care for his wife and she wouldn't have to cope with stairs when she came out of hospital..............she had a terminal brain tumor and we all knew she wasn't comming home.

My mothers partner (my mother is the one with alzheimers) is having the bathroom refitted (maybe this is a man thing ?) so he can help her shower because she may stabalise and be at home for years yet...........I think we should be choosing a care home for her as it will not be long before she needs permanent professional care.

Back to the cleaning, my mothers partner is obviously struggling to cope, being a man he has never had to cook or clean in his life, but he is trying hard and hiding it well, he says he doesn't need help with cleaning. I didn't realize how bad it was untill I insisted on helping to change her bed and the sheets were grey. I was rather shocked, but she is happy and a bit of dirt is not going to kill her.....and I now make sure I change her bed every visit.
I'm sure your Dad is happy and being slightly grubby is not the end of the world.

 

[nick@wass.me.uk]

Mum

Many thanks for posting back to me - it's good to know that there are others out there to be in touch with. And good to get other perspectives on a situation.

Where to begin? I don't know. It's also hard to bare all about your own family. Mum and Dad have always had an odd relationship. Almost no love or even affection. Yet together since 1953. I can't begin to explain it. My mother has always had an issue with everyone else who she believes don't come up to her standards, not that she actually has any as her house has long been an utter tip.

Yes we have had social services involved and they arranged for two people to call in every morning to get Dad up, showered, dressed and tidied up. However they used to come around at about 9.30am and that didn't suit her as she wont get up before 11.00 so she told them to stop coming after about 2 weeks.

She wont help my Dad shower, dress or look after himself. He gets into a state and she blames him. She prefers to watch TV all day long and stay up until 2am in the morning.

Trouble is I live in Staffs and they are near Southampton. Its way too far for me to really to be able to do anything. My sister lives very near them but is busy and doesn't seem to want to get too involved. Her husband wont help at all.

Anyway I'll shut up. It's just a help to actually type this stuff up and get it out. It's all mad really.

 

[Grannie G]

Nick, there are some people who can`t be helped.

You are too far away to be able to help make changes, and even if you were nearer, you probably wouldn`t be allowed to.

I`m not suggesting you abandon your parents but do what you can and try to accept what you can`t do.

 

[Helena]

Nick

My Mother had Vascular Dementia and it took us an awful long time to realise what what was wrong because they lurch from normality to the crazies

Hence in part your Mother is in Denial but equally she knows at times he can be perfectly lucid and aware

There will come a point where even your Mother cant deny whats happening and she will probably be very very upset then because he may be exceptionally difficult to deal with

All you can do is take one day at a time

 

[alfjess]

Hi Nick

How is your Mum?
I only ask because in the beginning this was how my mum was.

Total denial of Dad's condition.
Total denial that he shouldn't drive
The house was a tip, but wouldn't allow anyone to help
The bed hadn't been changed in yonks
ETC ETC.

We finally had Mum assessed (sort of) she wouldn't submit to the MMSE and we were told she also had a dementia. She is now much more advanced than Dad.

I am not saying, this is the problem with your Mum,(I hope not) but have you given it any thought?

Take care
Alfjess

 

[hofnerman]

Mum

Hi all

Firstly I re-registered as I screwed up the first time and got my email address as my username and I don't think that is a good idea. So Nick here but under a new name!

How is my Mum? Good question. I have to say that I think she is alright despite the situation. She's now 81 and actually quite fit and well going on the bus to the shops twice weekly, just joined some art class learning to paint and eating like a horse. But it is hard to judge I suppose and I really do think you have a point there. Where is the border between older age pottiness and the start of dementia? Holes in her clothes? Lack of cleaning at all? Buying too much expensive food every week at M&S and letting it rot in the fridge?

You know I'm really angry inside and have been for weeks now. And I've stopped phoning her up. And my sister because she just flops about on the edge of it all.

What a mess we all are. I have to call her I know, I know. I'll have to go down to see them again as well but this time I need to plan an agenda.

All this with a mother I dislike. Jeez.

 

[Sandy]

Hi Nick,

Alfjess has just raised a question that was in my mind also.

My father-in-law died of mixed (AZ and VaD) dementia in March and my mother-in-law is now in the middle stages herself. I would estimate that she is about two years behind him in her progression.

During the last year of my father-in-law's life, my mother-in-law was still able to cope with the help of daily carers and support from us. As we lived approx. 2 hours' drive from them, alot of the support had to be done via telephone and through things like doing their weekly shop via the Internet (they still managed to end up with something like 15 tins of tomato soup).

It might be hard to disentangle any potential health issue that your mother might have from the on-going dynamics of your parents' relationship:

Mum and Dad have always had an odd relationship. Almost no love or even affection.

There are many examples of married couples here on Talking Point who have had very strong and fulfilling marriages, where one spouse has taken on the very difficult role of primary carer. I think thats a model that many if us like to keep in mind when thinking of a couple struggling with dementia.

I suspect that there are a fair number of other couples who have stayed together for their own individual reasons - habit, financial need, etc. - where the onset of dementia could be seen as some sort of betrayal of the status quo, a 'deal breaker'.

She wont help my Dad shower, dress or look after himself.

Your father is a vulnerable person. If your mother will not care for him or allow other people to access the home to care for him, then something must be done.

Trouble is I live in Staffs and they are near Southampton. Its way too far for me to really to be able to do anything.

This is a bit of a new scenario on TP, and I can't really think of any great advice to give other than you will probably need to get in contact with your father's social worker (and possibly his GP) to voice your concerns.

I'm sorry that your sister doesn't seem to be too much help at the moment. Perhaps she feels that she has been carrying an unfair burden as the child living closest? The important thing is to talk with her about it to plan for your fahter's care and avoid any recrimantions about things in the past (not easily done in any family).

Take care,

Sandy

 

[hofnerman]

better

What a good place this is! I feel a good deal better about it all this morning, thanks to getting some really helpful thoughts from others here.

I know the problems haven't gone away but I see more clearly that this disease isn't just about the person with the dementia. I thought it was just us who had entered a world of utter turmoil but it seems that many others are there too. Somewhere that none of us expected or had any real notion of how to deal with it when we arrived.

I'm going stop whining and make some changes.

 

[Christinec]

Hi Nick,
I could identify with much of what you said - and just wanted to wish you luck. Many people on TP seem to have started out with good relationships and that must change how dementia affects the family. The comment posted about some couples having an unwritten agreement really struck a chord with me.I could have written most of what you have said about your parents. The only thing is that I am the sister who lives reasonably nearby. Brother and I both left home as soon as we could he just managed to move further. In my case I do now keep a distance from parents for the sake of my sanity and in the interests of maintaining my life with my husband and children. I do not blame my brother for doing little (lucky him) but feel that I have had decades of dealing with parents problems and just had to step back in the last 12 months. It helps when my brother at least listened to the problems I was trying to deal with and tried to discuss possible courses of action and supports me with action I have had to take. Mum is now in a care home.

I do try to forget that several years ago he suggested that the solution was for me to stop working and move in with parents to look after them as he lived too far away to do anything.

Keep posting TP really helps you to feel less alone.

 

[Margarita]

I thought it was just us who had entered a world of utter turmoil

So did I back then , I am sure if my father had not pass away my parents would of prodded along just like your parents are with no help from anyone , just with me when I pop in now then , I organized someone to pick up there washing every week.

but I also with the same feeling your feeling about your parents .

My father would not let anyone help him, even thought he had heart attract, stroke even the doctor would knock on the door , but would not let him in as dad was not picking up his medication, I only found that out when he pass away .


My mother also buying clothes, food like it was going out of fashion never wearing them, never clearing up the house, still getting the bus to come around my place staying the night, still going to elderly fitness class then coming to my place telling me the most wriest story about what was happening in the classes .

Only when dad died, did it really shock my mother that year that she was told she had AZ.
So mum must of been in the early stages while my father was alive, my father must of had VD , because she had heart attack 2 stroke . I also remember that I always use to have to change mum sheets in their bedroom

Yes we have had social services involved and they arranged for two people to call in every morning to get Dad up, showered, dressed and tidied up. However they used to come around at about 9.30am and that didn't suit her as she wont get up before 11.00 so she told them to stop coming after about 2 weeks.

At the end of the day if your mother does not get up till 11am, just try convince your mother to get the carers in for the time she does wake up, at least then your father will get help with washing.

Tell her that they are
employed to work around her hours, not the other way around. I found what help me is putting aside my judgment in how I felt my parents should have lived in how they showed love to each other, even if I had to pretend to myself so to humor my mother , it help me in helping my mother except help
you could call it
reverse ( I thing I have spelled that wrong ) physiology.