Where is the future?

[hilaryd]

Apologies for a long and rather self-indulgent post, but I feel I’m among people here who will understand me better than some of my ‘real’ friends and family. It’s exactly six months since my mum died, after a short but rapid decline into dementia, and I still feel a complete mess.

We’re constantly advised to talk about our feelings, but I’m finding human contacts very difficult and I’m shying away from them. I have a supportive (but not very communicative) partner, a sister who lives nearby and another in Australia who’s in frequent contact, and some good friends, but I feel myself becoming more reclusive and feeling increasingly out of step with the world. I started a new job just over a year ago, which I quite like, and at least I can manage the superficial day-to-day office smalltalk, but I often find it hard to concentrate.

As part of the process of clearing mum’s bungalow I’ve been looking at lots of old photos, letters and cards. My dad died suddenly in the 1980s and mum never remarried, so it’s lovely to see them as happy young people, but it also makes me very emotional to think that they’re both gone now and that the future that they were looking forward to was cut short. They were both very positive, caring people who did lots for others, and I feel guilty that I’m not following their example.

Although I’ve two nieces and a nephew and my partner has a grown-up daughter, I’ve no children of my own – it was never the right time/place/partner, and now I’m physically too old. In the past this didn’t bother me, but now it’s become a bit of an obsession that seems tied up with the loss of my parents: the past has gone, and I don’t feel I have anyone who needs me or will care about me in the future. The fear of getting dementia myself also terrifies me. My partner had a heart attack last year, and can be depressive himself, so I don’t like to ‘offload’ too much onto him, and although he’s fine now I also worry about being left alone without him. I recognise that my sisters have both been hit by our loss, but I envy them their links to the future through their children and their wider family and social circles.

I know there are hundreds of needy people out there who I could help through voluntary work etc, but at the moment I feel too emotionally fragile to embark on this. In the past I was always a sociable, busy , optimistic person – interested in art and music, active in campaign groups and singing in choirs etc – and I’m still doing some of these things, but without much enthusiasm or satisfaction. Sorting out mum’s estate and possessions is also keeping me occupied and giving me some purpose in the short term, but I know that will be over soon.

I’ve been seeing a bereavement counsellor, who is very kind and sympathetic, but I actually almost dread going to the appointments because talking seems to upset me more than it helps. I can step back sometimes and do plenty of self-analysis to explain all these feelings, but that doesn’t help to make them go away, and I can’t see any solutions. Any advice, or is it just a matter of time?

 

[marionq]

You are at a very low ebb just now and clearly have been doing some introspection to Understand why. We are human with emotions which often rule us and you have been through a lot. The truth is that if you had children that would give you another layer of worry potential as well as an investment in the future.

I have a cousin in America who is twice divorced and has no children. She was very lonely even in the midst of friends but discussed her lack of future with myself and another American cousin. What we got her to talk about were the things she cared a lot about and what she might be able to do for those interests.

This resulted in her joining a political/social group which she believed in and volunteering to be the Treasurer of her housing area. We also got her to make Will, not in our favour, but for two charities that meant a lot to her. She’s in a better frame of mind now. Talking to good listeners whether friends or professional counsellors can help.

 

[Marcelle123]

I am sorry to read your post, @hilaryd.

It's seven months since my mother died, and she was lucky in so many ways - 97, always knew me, final illness was short, her last year spent in a really good care home nearby where I could visit her 4 times a week or every day if circumstances needed it.

I sold Mum's bungalow last year to pay for her care, but I still have a lot of her possessions to store or decide to get rid of; and the first part of this year was filled with admin - organising the funeral, then the interment at a distance, getting the probate and will sorted. It all meant anxiety and nights of poor sleep.
Like you, looking at photos gets me all worked up, and I constantly think about my mother and feel so sad I can't talk to her any more. And like you, I worry about dementia, both for myself and my husband - and it's also made me a lot more scared about death itself.

You are doing the right things and I hope it helps you coming on here to talk.

What I'm doing with myself is 'taking time out', not challenging myself, just trying to do things I like and eat sensibly, and concentrating on getting some good sleep. I feel that I probably need to catch up on a lot of rest after all the worry of Mum's coping in the care home last year and all the nervousness and grief after she passed.

I hope you start to turn the corner soon. Very best wishes, and please, keep telling us how you are feeling and how you are getting on. xx

 

[LadyA]

@hilaryd , six months is no time at all to grieve for someone who was the very first person to hold you and the first person you formed a bond with. Grief and loss can, I think, start us looking at things around us in a different way. Almost as if life going on is somehow separate from us, or as if there is "life" as in everyday life, comings & goings, and dealing with people and that goes on on one level, and our grief can leave us feeling like we are in a sort of isolated bubble. We can't really "get" people. It's like life goes on around us.

Three years on from my husband's death, I still can only deal with a couple of people at a time. I can't "do" crowds, or parties at all. I wasn't ever much of a party person anyway. But now, I kind of - I don't really know how to explain it. It's as if I just don't understand it all anymore. So often, watching people out socialising, it all seems so fake. Like everyone is whistling in the dark, pretending to be having a great time, but they really aren't. And I have wondered if maybe it's just that having been isolated with caring for my husband, and then the grieving, has made me more perceptive, and that really, people aren't having the jolly happy time they seem to be, but are all hurting too?

It does get easier, in time. The pain gets a lot less sharp, and hits less frequently. But the loss of your mum will have changed you, as something like that should have. You will get through, and be ok. There's no hurrying grieving. It needs to work it's own way out.

 

[marmarlade]

I to know how you feel as if im with a lot of people all talking at once I feel really lost I cant seem to follow what they are talking about,and tend to switch off,and the daughter says I go into a trance..it all seems a bit to much,but time is new to you ,but my hubby had been passed away 15 months,so we are all different but take care you will feel better soon

 

[hilaryd]

Thank you all for these kind and wise messages - I feel reassured, and a little more positive. I definitely agree that caring and loss make you look at the world differently - but actually that's probably a good thing, even if it can make you feel lost too. Wishing all of you all the best too - onwards and upwards!

 

[suef56]

Thank you all for these kind and wise messages - I feel reassured, and a little more positive. I definitely agree that caring and loss make you look at the world differently - but actually that's probably a good thing, even if it can make you feel lost too. Wishing all of you all the best too - onwards and upwards!

Apologies for a long and rather self-indulgent post, but I feel I’m among people here who will understand me better than some of my ‘real’ friends and family. It’s exactly six months since my mum died, after a short but rapid decline into dementia, and I still feel a complete mess.

We’re constantly advised to talk about our feelings, but I’m finding human contacts very difficult and I’m shying away from them. I have a supportive (but not very communicative) partner, a sister who lives nearby and another in Australia who’s in frequent contact, and some good friends, but I feel myself becoming more reclusive and feeling increasingly out of step with the world. I started a new job just over a year ago, which I quite like, and at least I can manage the superficial day-to-day office smalltalk, but I often find it hard to concentrate.

As part of the process of clearing mum’s bungalow I’ve been looking at lots of old photos, letters and cards. My dad died suddenly in the 1980s and mum never remarried, so it’s lovely to see them as happy young people, but it also makes me very emotional to think that they’re both gone now and that the future that they were looking forward to was cut short. They were both very positive, caring people who did lots for others, and I feel guilty that I’m not following their example.

Although I’ve two nieces and a nephew and my partner has a grown-up daughter, I’ve no children of my own – it was never the right time/place/partner, and now I’m physically too old. In the past this didn’t bother me, but now it’s become a bit of an obsession that seems tied up with the loss of my parents: the past has gone, and I don’t feel I have anyone who needs me or will care about me in the future. The fear of getting dementia myself also terrifies me. My partner had a heart attack last year, and can be depressive himself, so I don’t like to ‘offload’ too much onto him, and although he’s fine now I also worry about being left alone without him. I recognise that my sisters have both been hit by our loss, but I envy them their links to the future through their children and their wider family and social circles.

I know there are hundreds of needy people out there who I could help through voluntary work etc, but at the moment I feel too emotionally fragile to embark on this. In the past I was always a sociable, busy , optimistic person – interested in art and music, active in campaign groups and singing in choirs etc – and I’m still doing some of these things, but without much enthusiasm or satisfaction. Sorting out mum’s estate and possessions is also keeping me occupied and giving me some purpose in the short term, but I know that will be over soon.

I’ve been seeing a bereavement counsellor, who is very kind and sympathetic, but I actually almost dread going to the appointments because talking seems to upset me more than it helps. I can step back sometimes and do plenty of self-analysis to explain all these feelings, but that doesn’t help to make them go away, and I can’t see any solutions. Any advice, or is it just a matter of time?

thank you so much @hilaryd for having the courage to post. 6 months after the death of your mother is still early days, so do not feel you have to rush. Rest when you can and try and be kind to yourself. The way of a care giver is exhausting and you are still caring in settling all the responsibilities after her death.

I found a bereavement counsellor a year of my mothers death and still see the counsellor though not as frequently. Yes it is often very emotional but I find reliving some of the pain and even the amazing happy times with my mother has helped me feel less alone as I share what I used to call the roller coaster ride as a care giver.

I think you are amazing in all the awareness you have for yourself. You even already know that this process of caring and grieving takes time. I hope you are blessed each day with the strength you need in your recovery.

 

[hilaryd]

Thank you @suef56 - I hope you're getting on OK too. Plodding on here, a step at a time ...

 

[Grannie G]

Clearing the home of parents is a task and a half, deciding what to keep , what to share and what to discard. I remember looking over my shoulder at the time expecting my mother to walk in and question what I was doing with her treasured possessions.

I don't think anyone really understands until they have had the experience for themselves.

It`s good you have TP to come to @hilaryd. There is understanding here and sadness for the emotions you are experiencing.

 

[maryjoan]

Clearing the home of parents is a task and a half, deciding what to keep , what to share and what to discard. I remember looking over my shoulder at the time expecting my mother to walk in and question what I was doing with her treasured possessions.

I don't think anyone really understands until they have had the experience for themselves.

It`s good you have TP to come to @hilaryd. There is understanding here and sadness for the emotions you are experiencing.

I have done this clearing thing twice - Mum and Mum in Law, and found it helped when I made a start, to apologise out loud to them for going through their most private things and deciding what should happen to them - just seems to help somehow.....

 

[maryjoan]

Thank you @suef56 - I hope you're getting on OK too. Plodding on here, a step at a time ...

I have spent 18 months in a pit, and over the last 2 weeks or so, realised that I am no longer in the pit, I am looking forward with anticipation......

There are words that people write on bereavement cards, one of which is TIME IS A GREAT HEALER

It is not, and never will be.

As human beings, we just learn to live with a situation we cannot change.

Good Luck