Apologies for a long and rather self-indulgent post, but I feel I’m among people here who will understand me better than some of my ‘real’ friends and family. It’s exactly six months since my mum died, after a short but rapid decline into dementia, and I still feel a complete mess.
We’re constantly advised to talk about our feelings, but I’m finding human contacts very difficult and I’m shying away from them. I have a supportive (but not very communicative) partner, a sister who lives nearby and another in Australia who’s in frequent contact, and some good friends, but I feel myself becoming more reclusive and feeling increasingly out of step with the world. I started a new job just over a year ago, which I quite like, and at least I can manage the superficial day-to-day office smalltalk, but I often find it hard to concentrate.
As part of the process of clearing mum’s bungalow I’ve been looking at lots of old photos, letters and cards. My dad died suddenly in the 1980s and mum never remarried, so it’s lovely to see them as happy young people, but it also makes me very emotional to think that they’re both gone now and that the future that they were looking forward to was cut short. They were both very positive, caring people who did lots for others, and I feel guilty that I’m not following their example.
Although I’ve two nieces and a nephew and my partner has a grown-up daughter, I’ve no children of my own – it was never the right time/place/partner, and now I’m physically too old. In the past this didn’t bother me, but now it’s become a bit of an obsession that seems tied up with the loss of my parents: the past has gone, and I don’t feel I have anyone who needs me or will care about me in the future. The fear of getting dementia myself also terrifies me. My partner had a heart attack last year, and can be depressive himself, so I don’t like to ‘offload’ too much onto him, and although he’s fine now I also worry about being left alone without him. I recognise that my sisters have both been hit by our loss, but I envy them their links to the future through their children and their wider family and social circles.
I know there are hundreds of needy people out there who I could help through voluntary work etc, but at the moment I feel too emotionally fragile to embark on this. In the past I was always a sociable, busy , optimistic person – interested in art and music, active in campaign groups and singing in choirs etc – and I’m still doing some of these things, but without much enthusiasm or satisfaction. Sorting out mum’s estate and possessions is also keeping me occupied and giving me some purpose in the short term, but I know that will be over soon.
I’ve been seeing a bereavement counsellor, who is very kind and sympathetic, but I actually almost dread going to the appointments because talking seems to upset me more than it helps. I can step back sometimes and do plenty of self-analysis to explain all these feelings, but that doesn’t help to make them go away, and I can’t see any solutions. Any advice, or is it just a matter of time?
We’re constantly advised to talk about our feelings, but I’m finding human contacts very difficult and I’m shying away from them. I have a supportive (but not very communicative) partner, a sister who lives nearby and another in Australia who’s in frequent contact, and some good friends, but I feel myself becoming more reclusive and feeling increasingly out of step with the world. I started a new job just over a year ago, which I quite like, and at least I can manage the superficial day-to-day office smalltalk, but I often find it hard to concentrate.
As part of the process of clearing mum’s bungalow I’ve been looking at lots of old photos, letters and cards. My dad died suddenly in the 1980s and mum never remarried, so it’s lovely to see them as happy young people, but it also makes me very emotional to think that they’re both gone now and that the future that they were looking forward to was cut short. They were both very positive, caring people who did lots for others, and I feel guilty that I’m not following their example.
Although I’ve two nieces and a nephew and my partner has a grown-up daughter, I’ve no children of my own – it was never the right time/place/partner, and now I’m physically too old. In the past this didn’t bother me, but now it’s become a bit of an obsession that seems tied up with the loss of my parents: the past has gone, and I don’t feel I have anyone who needs me or will care about me in the future. The fear of getting dementia myself also terrifies me. My partner had a heart attack last year, and can be depressive himself, so I don’t like to ‘offload’ too much onto him, and although he’s fine now I also worry about being left alone without him. I recognise that my sisters have both been hit by our loss, but I envy them their links to the future through their children and their wider family and social circles.
I know there are hundreds of needy people out there who I could help through voluntary work etc, but at the moment I feel too emotionally fragile to embark on this. In the past I was always a sociable, busy , optimistic person – interested in art and music, active in campaign groups and singing in choirs etc – and I’m still doing some of these things, but without much enthusiasm or satisfaction. Sorting out mum’s estate and possessions is also keeping me occupied and giving me some purpose in the short term, but I know that will be over soon.
I’ve been seeing a bereavement counsellor, who is very kind and sympathetic, but I actually almost dread going to the appointments because talking seems to upset me more than it helps. I can step back sometimes and do plenty of self-analysis to explain all these feelings, but that doesn’t help to make them go away, and I can’t see any solutions. Any advice, or is it just a matter of time?