My time now

[kindred]

When dad was in his NH I visited every other day and had my mobile with me all the time...the instances when the NH popped onto the display as it rang always filled me with dread but I needed the NH to know they could contact me at any time if dad was having any serious problems...in a strange way it also gave me comfort for the many days if they didn't ring...if you see what I mean. The caring role is so intense lengthy and continuous that when through death it suddenly stops there is a huge void to be filled and it took me a few months to adjust and then oddly I started to miss even my dementia verbally aggressive dad but now over a year on my dementia memories include some lovely comical moments as well.

Oh thank you. Our human hearts. How did they evolve like this with such fidelity. Such beautiful fidelity. It is one of our most human qualities, what it means to be human. Thank you so much.

Kindred - how you feel will/is passing. I 'allowed' myself to be in a bit of a dark place for a while but if I had not come out of it naturally, I would have started to challenge myself to do things again - gently but firmly (tough love for myself perhaps). Our lives go on and it would be foolish and wasteful to subjugate ourselves to a life of misery (golly, long words this morning, where did they come from?). Without being frivolous and making light of the thread, yesterday I decided to liberate mum's ashes from the funeral directors. I parked in the supermarket car park and, foolishly, I went straight to the funeral directors and was a bit ignorant of how they would be presented - in a big, heavy cardboard tube with pictures of sunflowers on. Nothing subtle about it so, as it looked like rain and I did not want a papier mache mum all over the town, I went back to Lidl's (other supermarkets are available!) and strapped her into the passenger seat. I met some friends in the supermarket and they all came back to the car to say hello... Mum's obsession towards the end was telling me when she saw a field (we live in the country so this was several times a day) that they reminded her of when the Americans were posted here in the war and they were amazed at how small our fields were because theirs were so big. She didn't mention it on the way home yesterday (!) but I felt I had allowed her one last go at it. It took a while to steel myself to go and get her ashes but now I feel a bit more 'complete.'

Oh my dear what a wonderful and inspiring post, thank you with all love, this is amazing and so full of hope. Thank you! Geraldine aka kindred.

 

[RedLou]

Both my OH and I are definitely making the most of our time now that neither of us have parents to care for. We now have a granddaughter to help out with but that is pure pleasure and voluntary, which is totally different, joyful and forward-looking. My OH teaches workshops to people with mental health problems, including those with early onset dementia (diagnosed before the age of 65; some are only in their 40s.) All of those people tell my OH to fill every moment now and to do all the adventurous things we want to do. The only thing they regret is things they didn't do or put off. Food for thought.

 

[Hair Twiddler]

Hello @Duggies-girl,
It's been over 6 months now since my mum passed away in a care home(Alzheimers disease), twelve months since I could look after her no more at home with us, over six years since she came to live with us. It was all so very very hard.
I have taken up acrylic paint flow painting, too complicated to explain it in detail but basically you drip, dribble and mess with acrylic paint on small and large canvases, then let them set for a week and you have "art". I have set up my studio in what was mum's bedroom - it is downstairs and has "good light". I don't feel her presence or anything spiritual when I'm messing in there but I do feel happy and I'm sure that she would have a good laugh if she could see my mess!!
I've regained a new life - I hope you will too.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hello @Duggies-girl,
It's been over 6 months now since my mum passed away in a care home(Alzheimers disease), twelve months since I could look after her no more at home with us, over six years since she came to live with us. It was all so very very hard.
I have taken up acrylic paint flow painting, too complicated to explain it in detail but basically you drip, dribble and mess with acrylic paint on small and large canvases, then let them set for a week and you have "art". I have set up my studio in what was mum's bedroom - it is downstairs and has "good light". I don't feel her presence or anything spiritual when I'm messing in there but I do feel happy and I'm sure that she would have a good laugh if she could see my mess!!
I've regained a new life - I hope you will too.[/QUOTE


Brilliant, I think I know what the painting type is. I know someone who does similar. He is doing very well and loans his paintings to a hotel chain for display. His paintings are rather beautiful. Glad you have found a pastime that you enjoy. Must be very fulfilling.

 

[Agzy]

Kindred - how you feel will/is passing. I 'allowed' myself to be in a bit of a dark place for a while but if I had not come out of it naturally, I would have started to challenge myself to do things again - gently but firmly (tough love for myself perhaps). Our lives go on and it would be foolish and wasteful to subjugate ourselves to a life of misery (golly, long words this morning, where did they come from?). Without being frivolous and making light of the thread, yesterday I decided to liberate mum's ashes from the funeral directors. I parked in the supermarket car park and, foolishly, I went straight to the funeral directors and was a bit ignorant of how they would be presented - in a big, heavy cardboard tube with pictures of sunflowers on. Nothing subtle about it so, as it looked like rain and I did not want a papier mache mum all over the town, I went back to Lidl's (other supermarkets are available!) and strapped her into the passenger seat. I met some friends in the supermarket and they all came back to the car to say hello... Mum's obsession towards the end was telling me when she saw a field (we live in the country so this was several times a day) that they reminded her of when the Americans were posted here in the war and they were amazed at how small our fields were because theirs were so big. She didn't mention it on the way home yesterday (!) but I felt I had allowed her one last go at it. It took a while to steel myself to go and get her ashes but now I feel a bit more 'complete.'

What a lovely ‘normal’ but very special and personal way to bid goodbye, much love.

 

[acorns]

It's comforting to read these posts and know I'm not alone in worrying about the future. When we lose our identity as a carer, having already given up previous lives, it's going to take time to build a new life. The ideal scenario as I see it is to start opening some doors now - just a foot in the door - so there are some interesting opportunities ahead to look forward to.

University of the Third Age (https://www.u3a.org.uk/) gives me great hope too. Just look at the list of activities they run in your area. If they aren't very active in your area then maybe you need to find an area nearby where there are more over 55s. That's what I did - sold previous flat in city, bought a flat in area with elderly people and joined U3A there - but am living with mum an hour away currently. I haven't been free to go to anything yet but I receive emails and am feeling excited about the possibilities.

In an area where over 55s are in the majority there are also bound to be local adult learning classes during the day too. I did manage to go to one which I loved and also found another activity for the same day, so with a few hours off I have made a start on some new adventures. This hope keeps me going for now - even if when the time comes I choose a different path.

 

[Lindy50]

It's comforting to read these posts and know I'm not alone in worrying about the future. When we lose our identity as a carer, having already given up previous lives, it's going to take time to build a new life. The ideal scenario as I see it is to start opening some doors now - just a foot in the door - so there are some interesting opportunities ahead to look forward to.

University of the Third Age (https://www.u3a.org.uk/) gives me great hope too. Just look at the list of activities they run in your area. If they aren't very active in your area then maybe you need to find an area nearby where there are more over 55s. That's what I did - sold previous flat in city, bought a flat in area with elderly people and joined U3A there - but am living with mum an hour away currently. I haven't been free to go to anything yet but I receive emails and am feeling excited about the possibilities.

In an area where over 55s are in the majority there are also bound to be local adult learning classes during the day too. I did manage to go to one which I loved and also found another activity for the same day, so with a few hours off I have made a start on some new adventures. This hope keeps me going for now - even if when the time comes I choose a different path.

Thank you for these ideas @acorns.
I'm one of those struggling to rediscover myself. Motivation can be a problem and I found your post very encouraging.
Many thanks again
Lindy xx

 

[Selinacroft]

Absolutely right for your friend to enjoy her "my time". I've learnt from 2 very different bereavements over the years to let go and move on , no guilt, no regrets , job done as well as anyone could have managed, did all I could and now "my time" . Ok so mostly spent still running around caring for others and working but certainly no regrets or guilt or sadness over what has gone before.