Partner's dad has AD

[Trilogee]

Hi all,

My gf's dad has alzheimers. He's recently gone from calling 10- 20 times a day to none, this was a difficult realisation for her as it appears it might be the next stage or possibly just a bad week? He's not local to us but she is doing an amazing job with making sure he's being cared for and looked after. He still lives with his partner but she is not a native English speaker and this can cause misunderstandings between herself and my partner at times, although she has done well to mend that bridge by using a translator. Her younger sister still lives with her dad, she has learning difficulties and this comes with its own set of problems.

The long and short of it is, I really want to help as much as possible, she knows I'm there and we communicate well. If any one has any advice or can point me towards any useful articles on supporting a partner with a parent with AD, that would be amazing. Thank you so much for your time

 

[cobden 28]

Hi all,

My gf's dad has alzheimers. He's recently gone from calling 10- 20 times a day to none, this was a difficult realisation for her as it appears it might be the next stage or possibly just a bad week? He's not local to us but she is doing an amazing job with making sure he's being cared for and looked after. He still lives with his partner but she is not a native English speaker and this can cause misunderstandings between herself and my partner at times, although she has done well to mend that bridge by using a translator. Her younger sister still lives with her dad, she has learning difficulties and this comes with its own set of problems.

The long and short of it is, I really want to help as much as possible, she knows I'm there and we communicate well. If any one has any advice or can point me towards any useful articles on supporting a partner with a parent with AD, that would be amazing. Thank you so much for your time

Have they had a needs assessment from the local social services department? I imagine that would be a first port of call.

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Trilogee, welcome to TP. I hope you find the forum a friendly, informative and supportive place.

You can glean a lot of useful information by looking around the forum discussions. Checking out the AS Publications is also useful and they can be found by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

You may also find it useful to see what services are available in his local area and you can do a post code check by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

 

[Trilogee]

Have they had a needs assessment from the local social services department? I imagine that would be a first port of call.

Hi, yes they have. As far as I know, that's all moving in the right direction

 

[Beate]

If you're good with admin or getting things done, why not suggest helping with the following things:
- Setting up a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) with your partner as the attorney. The forms are online and by law do not need a solicitor's input.
- Applying for Attendance Allowance (AA) for him
- Applying for a SMI council tax disregard for him

I will explain these more if you want, but I don't want to presume you haven't heard of these things.

 

[Amy in the US]

Trilogee, hello and welcome to Talking Point. I am sorry to hear that your partner's father has dementia, and that you are caring, long distance, for a complex household. I am sure it presents many challenges.

I second all the good information and factsheets from the Alzheimer's Society. I continue to find them helpful and suggest that you read through everything (even things you don't think are relevant), when you have a chance, assuming you are a person who likes to have information. A hard truth about dementia is that it is progressive and things will change, but of course nobody has a crystal ball to say exactly what will happen and when.

I was also a long-distance carer for my parent, until my mother moved into care nearer to me. I am an only child, and there's no other family to help. My husband has been a HUGE help to me and I think that without his help and support, I would have gone mad long ago. So I applaud your desire to help and support your partner and I am sure she appreciates it very much.

Beate's advice to help with the paperwork and legal and financial issues is a very good place to start. It is so important to get these things in place ASAP, if you haven't already done so.

I suppose you would need to ask my husband for advice, but generally speaking, he has been helpful by being supportive, being patient, and being both physically and emotionally available when I have needed help and/or to talk. I am sure he is tired of hearing me talk about my mother and dementia, but if he is, he never lets on!

More specifically: he is willing to accompany me when I visit my mother and also visits her when I cannot. He helped me to clear out her home and sell it. He helps me take her to doctor's appointments (a 2:1 ratio is best for her now). When my mother was going through the many phone calls and voicemails a day stage, he would take the calls so I wouldn't have to, and would screen the messages so I didn't have to hear the unpleasant ones. (I think he has saved some sound files of some of the nice messages she left for me, so that some day, I will have those.) He helps with paperwork where he can, and to gather information to file her taxes, and to file the mountains of paperwork I manage for her. When she is in hospital, he takes turns with me, sitting with her. He encourages me to do things that help me to be healthy, cope better, and be less stressed (go to my support groups, get a massage, spend time with friends, go to my exercise classes, see my doctor). The list probably goes on, but you get the idea.

The thing about caring for someone with dementia, no matter the situation, is that dementia can so easily and so insidiously take over your entire life.

From an informational and supportive standpoint, I have gotten a lot of good advice and information from my local support groups and workshops and lectures, run or sponsored by my local Alzheimer's Society. So it's a good idea to see what is in your area, whether it's a formal group or a carer's cafe or what have you.

I think there are also online educational courses; someone here might know more about that. The more you know about dementia, the better equipped you are to deal with it.

Talking Point has been a lifesaver for me. In addition to asking specific questions, some members have their own threads, sort of like a diary or journal, where they chronicle their experience. I also spend a lot of time reading threads here on TP, in all the subfora, on all topics, current and past. You might consider having a browse around. There is a lot of experience and advice here and it's been an invaluable resource.

Please don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have.

Wishing you and your partner all the best.

 

[Trilogee]

If you're good with admin or getting things done, why not suggest helping with the following things:
- Setting up a Lasting Power of Attorney (LPA) with your partner as the attorney. The forms are online and by law do not need a solicitor's input.
- Applying for Attendance Allowance (AA) for him
- Applying for a SMI council tax disregard for him

I will explain these more if you want, but I don't want to presume you haven't heard of these things.

Thanks Beate, I know LPA and AA are done, we're looking into SMI. Thank you so much

 

[Trilogee]

Trilogee, hello and welcome to Talking Point. I am sorry to hear that your partner's father has dementia, and that you are caring, long distance, for a complex household. I am sure it presents many challenges.

I second all the good information and factsheets from the Alzheimer's Society. I continue to find them helpful and suggest that you read through everything (even things you don't think are relevant), when you have a chance, assuming you are a person who likes to have information. A hard truth about dementia is that it is progressive and things will change, but of course nobody has a crystal ball to say exactly what will happen and when.

I was also a long-distance carer for my parent, until my mother moved into care nearer to me. I am an only child, and there's no other family to help. My husband has been a HUGE help to me and I think that without his help and support, I would have gone mad long ago. So I applaud your desire to help and support your partner and I am sure she appreciates it very much.

Beate's advice to help with the paperwork and legal and financial issues is a very good place to start. It is so important to get these things in place ASAP, if you haven't already done so.

I suppose you would need to ask my husband for advice, but generally speaking, he has been helpful by being supportive, being patient, and being both physically and emotionally available when I have needed help and/or to talk. I am sure he is tired of hearing me talk about my mother and dementia, but if he is, he never lets on!

More specifically: he is willing to accompany me when I visit my mother and also visits her when I cannot. He helped me to clear out her home and sell it. He helps me take her to doctor's appointments (a 2:1 ratio is best for her now). When my mother was going through the many phone calls and voicemails a day stage, he would take the calls so I wouldn't have to, and would screen the messages so I didn't have to hear the unpleasant ones. (I think he has saved some sound files of some of the nice messages she left for me, so that some day, I will have those.) He helps with paperwork where he can, and to gather information to file her taxes, and to file the mountains of paperwork I manage for her. When she is in hospital, he takes turns with me, sitting with her. He encourages me to do things that help me to be healthy, cope better, and be less stressed (go to my support groups, get a massage, spend time with friends, go to my exercise classes, see my doctor). The list probably goes on, but you get the idea.

The thing about caring for someone with dementia, no matter the situation, is that dementia can so easily and so insidiously take over your entire life.

From an informational and supportive standpoint, I have gotten a lot of good advice and information from my local support groups and workshops and lectures, run or sponsored by my local Alzheimer's Society. So it's a good idea to see what is in your area, whether it's a formal group or a carer's cafe or what have you.

I think there are also online educational courses; someone here might know more about that. The more you know about dementia, the better equipped you are to deal with it.

Talking Point has been a lifesaver for me. In addition to asking specific questions, some members have their own threads, sort of like a diary or journal, where they chronicle their experience. I also spend a lot of time reading threads here on TP, in all the subfora, on all topics, current and past. You might consider having a browse around. There is a lot of experience and advice here and it's been an invaluable resource.

Please don't hesitate to ask any questions you may have.

Wishing you and your partner all the best.

Hi Amy, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. What you've said has been a massive help, my apologies for not responding sooner. You've really inspired me and I'm going to keep continuing with my support and looking for new avenues of help. All the very best G

 

[Amy in the US]

@Trilogee, you are very welcome. Please, no worries or apologies needed for not responding sooner. We all know how busy things can get. I hope you continue to feel welcome here on Talking Point and please, don't hesitate to ask questions. Wishing you and your partner and families all the best.