My mother hates me for protecting

[Tizzy190]

Hi all,
I care for my 85 year old mother who is in the middle stages of dementia and in April was also diagnosed with breast cancer. But due to her demntia they said they couldnt operate but put gave her medication (letrozole) I stay with mum 24/7 and will always be there for her but recently my brother came to stay after losing his own home, after al That’s what family is for isn’t it? To be there when times are hard.
Then mum started to say things to me that to my shame thought it was the dementia or even the medication talking! Mum kept asking me not to leave her alone with my brother ever again. And really didn’t take much notice as she adores my brother he’s her baby boy the youngest of four girls. Then mum started to become withdrawn and I knew this wasn’t normal, so I reluctantly hid a camera in the front room to see if anything was going on . As I watched the film back I felt sick to the stomach! My brother was shouting and screaming at my poor mum and asking where her purse is. Even demanding her PIN number to draw money from her account obviously mum couldn’t remember.then he pulled her up by ten collar of her pyjamas just to push her down again. So without even giving it a second thought I called the police. They saw the video and arrested him! And good riddance to the low life, but now my mum hates me! She is so spiteful to me and says the most wicked hurtful things to me saying that it was my fault her baby boy has left her and it should have been me. I have tried to explain to her what happened but I’m just a liar! It’s getting so hard to care for someone who I feel hates me especially as I love her to the moon and back. And all she wants is the robbing bully boy who treats his own mother who has dementia and cancer like dirt! I know there’s nothing anyone can do but it helps just to write this down and share it with others helped me so much so thank you all for just letting me do this.
❤️❤️

 

[karaokePete]

What a horrible situation, you are correct to share it.

If you think talking on our help line tomorrow would help, the details are
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm


Otherwise, if you would like to talk to someone now this line is available

Samaritans: Call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org

Open 24 hours, 365 days a year

 

[marionq]

@Tizzy I felt shock at reading this so can only imagine what you felt watching it. You did the right thing. Put that idea on one side. Now you have a separate issue with your mother putting her guilt on you. I don’t know how you handle it at present but I wouldn’t explain or argue any more. Carry on caring but if she starts haranguing you about this walk out of the room. Each time she does this tell her to stop or you will walk away, and do it.

You were strong enough to deal with your brother now for both your sakes you need to deal with your mother. As you come back in have a cup
Of tea or a new topic of conversation but if she starts again then walk out again. It might take time but you need to break the pattern.

 

[Amethyst59]

Brilliant advice here from @marionq ...you did the right thing. Unfortunately when you are dealing with dementia there are no rewards for the carers good behaviour.

 

[jenniferpa]

Ditto on @marionq's advice.

Look - you don't need us to tell you did the right thing: you obviously did. But can I just say, while your mother is currently focused on this thing you actually did, it could just as easily be on something that you had nothing to do with. That's the nature of dementia.

In your place I would simply stop explaining what happened and why. She won't understand so why put both of you through this? As Marion said: ignore it, walk out of the room, just don't get into it.

I suppose what I'm saying is: try to treat it as a fantasy. React as if she said "my neighbor is poisoning me". However you would handle that, handle this the same way. Because it really is a fantasy.

 

[LynneMcV]

Well done for taking the action you did and for protecting your mother.

As others have said, it is the nature of the disease that our loved one with dementia will turn against us at times, firmly believing that we have wronged them in some way.

There is no arguing or reasoning with such an attitude, it will run its course and eventually be replaced with another delusion or misconception. It is hard on those who are trying to do nothing but their best for that person, but it cannot be changed.

As has already been said, the best approach is to not try to reason or prolong the conversation but to walk away when it gets too much. Just leaving the room for a short while and returning with a smile; a cuppa; biscuits and a new line of chat was often enough to distract my husband from a negative train of thought when he started to think I had wronged him in some way.

The negative beliefs did not disappear immediately, but the more I refused to fuel them with further conversation, the weaker they became until they eventually fizzled out.

 

[Toony Oony]

Oh my goodness @Tizzy190 , there are no words to describe how I felt when reading your post.
I don't think anyone reading it can possibly begin to imagine the range of feelings that you must have been through, and are still experiencing.
As usual, the good folk of TP have already offered you some excellent advice to help with the situation, and I am sure a lot more will soon come your way.
My only reason for posting is to commend your bravery, send a big virtual hug and tell you that my thoughts are with you. As my lovely old Nan used to say to me: 'My darling, bad things just like good things, will also come to an end'. I hope the situation soon improves with your Mum - as she could not want for a better daughter.

X

 

[DollyBird16]

@Tizzy190
Firstly I needed to post to thank you for sharing your post with all and acknowledge your courage in dealing with the situation. I can only imagine the pain it caused you.

I follow the wise words given above when Mum gets angry, walk away, come back bright and breezy and repeat as many times as it takes. Sadly the illness leads our loved ones to forget, although it can return and so we repeat our actions, walk away, return.

You are wonderful and a strong person to be wise to manage a terrible situation with sense and love. X

 

[father ted]

Tizzy190, what an awful predicament to be placed in but you did entirely the right thing and I admire your resolve in doing the right thing. Sadly your brother does not operate under the same morals as you do and shouting and manhandling an old lady is unforgivable but from a family member she trusts is that much harder.

As hard as it is for your Mum you know what you have done is right. Bless you for also sharing it with us that takes courage too.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Awful situation for you @Tizzy190 If I were you I would not mention the brother anymore like others have said. I would say I don't know where he is and walk away. Don't tell her that she may not see him again, say he is on holiday or working away and he will be back in a couple of months. If you say it enough times, she may forget all about any incidents and you will no longer be blamed for it all. Hopefully. I hope she forgets all about it.

 

[Jale]

OMG Tizzy, can only try and imagine how you felt and am sending some hugs your way.

As others have said you can't reason or explain to someone with dementia and so the best course of action is to try and ignore what your mum is saying (god only knows how hard that can be though). Have no real advise to offer except to try and distract your mum from her ranting - usually something sweet distracts my mum, thank heavens for shortbread at the moment.

I don't know why it is that the people who do all the caring get the sticky end of the stick whilst the ones who do nothing are thought the world of and that is speaking from my own experience

 

[Tizzy190]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my post and I took the advice and walked away at least 5 times today when mum started telling how horrible I am for getting my brother taken away she even started to refuse the food I made for her so I just left it at her side and told her it’s there if she wants it later and walked away. I soon heard her tucking into her dinner. And the last time I walked away mum followed me and said are you leaving me. When I told her I would never do that she hugged me and cried. Bless her I really do believe she was just so messed up by what her own son had done that by taking it out on me made sense to her. But tomorrow is another day. thank you to everyone big hugs to you all x