Hi I am new to Talking Point

[Seashine]

Hi Everyone.
Neither my husband or I have experience of caring for someone with dementia.
My mother in law , who at present still lives alone, has the onset of dementia. Some times she is quite lucid and others confused and forgetful.

We are finding that no matter how many times during the week we remind her of an event which is happening the comming weekend, she just doesnt remember and then finally when it clicks with her, in a quite confrontational manner she accuses us of not telling her.

Does any one have any advice,tried methods or tactics which could make this process less stressful?

Regards
Seashine.

 

[Brucie]

Hi Seashine and welcome

Lesson #1 don't remind them after the first time

we remind her of an event

This causes them confusion because the nature of dementia is that they can't remember. Each time you remind them it is driving another nail into their confidence.

Don't worry about having done so - we have all done it at some stage. It simply doesn't help.

As the confusion grows, the natural urge is to indicate disquiet at being reminded

in a quite confrontational manner she accuses us of not telling her

As she can't remember, it must be that you didn't tell her......?

Advice - please take things slowly, feel your way, and read what others have written here.

Good luck!

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Seashine

I try my best never to tell my husband anything in advance. He gets it all muddled and constantly asks for reminders.
I accept it`s much easier for me as I live with him and am there to guide and prompt. When you are living separately to try to prepare someone for an event, makes it more difficult.

I can only suggest if you do want to take your MIL out anywhere, you either phone giving her perhaps half an hour`s notice to tell her you`re coming to take her out or arrive at her house with enough time for her to get ready.

 

[Skye]

Hi Seashine, welcome to TP.

Good advice from Bruce and Sylvia. It's best not to talk about things more than an hour or so away, so they don't have time to forget.

 

[blue sea]

Hi Seashine
It takes time to adapt to the needs of someone with dementia so try not to worry too much - you will find that through experience it gets easier to know what to say. When my dad was at this stage I gradually realised that, as Bruce says, there is really no point in repeating reminders as it just upsets the person. It is probably just best to ring her the night before the event, then on the day when she needs to get ready. (I guess she can no longer refer to written reiminders and calendar notes). I used to deflect any denials with comments such as 'Sorry, dad, I really though I'd phoned you yesterday to remind you, but never mind let's concentrate on getting you there on time...'. What is really difficult to accept is that the person with dementia has a different reality of their experience. To them that reminder just didn't happened and no matter how much you try to explain it to them, they will not believe you, often growing more angry in the process. The gradual inability of the person to tell the time also becomes a very difficult matter when they live alone. I assume you have a referral to social services through your mil's GP? Even if your mil won't accept help at the moment, it is a good idea to find out what is available in her area.
Blue sea

 

[Lynne]

Hello Seashine; it is SO hard, when you are trying to do your best, to have that thrown back in your face with accusations of deceit.

For appointments which matter, I would suggest a calendar at Mum's on which you can make clear entries for her. (Sorry, this assumes MiL can still read?)
For just taking her out at weekends, as suggested phone an hour or so beforehand to suss out if she's getting ready, and if not suggest the outing as if it were the first time it had been mentioned.

Best wishes

 

[Seashine]

Thank You

Hi.
Bruce, Grannie G, Lynne & Skye. My husband and I have just read your replies.
Thank you so much for your good advice & support.

From now on we will call Mum the night before and tell her what is happening and then again a couple of hours before. No more constant reminders.

As Mum is still able to read we will also take one of our spare calendars to her this weekend and help her insert all the important appointments she has. A simple suggestion that we just didn't think of !!

Cheers
Seashine

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Seashine

When my husband was first diagnosed he practically walked around the house with a calendar in his hand, reassuring himself about dates. Mind you, I had to be sure he had the day`s copy of the paper, to make sure he knew what date it was.

He still refers to the calendar three years on.

 

[jc141265]

Calendars

He still refers to the calendar three years on.

Reading that I just remembered!

In the early years we used to keep a calendar near Dad's bed. What he also seemed to like is when we would cross off the days leading up to an important event, with big red crosses on the days gone.

Of course this has to be done in a supportive manner, so that the sufferer doesn't think you are doing it because they can't remember. God forbid.

I'd make the crosses and say they were for me, so I could work out how many days to go till such and such, so I could plan my busy life. And I'd even count them out loud when there were only a few to go, and reiterate 'Will you look at that, only 2 more days to go Dad!' This became more important when Dad could no longer read, as we had gotten into a routine, so he might not have been able to count the days himself but he could still understand when I said how many days to go. Of course when I 'reminisce' (?) about this, I must point out that this worked for Dad when he was beyond the stage of being able to keep appointments himself. It was used more to prepare him for upcoming events or give him something to look forward to. Even now, I know my Mum will be saying to Dad each night for the next two weeks, only 10 sleeps to go till Natalie comes to visit. (I'm flying up next weekend! Can't wait to see him again, my dear dear Dad!)