hello everyone

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
Hi, aceblytons, welcome to TP.

Do you want to tell us a bit about yourself, or would you rather just read for a bit? Either way's OK.:)
 

Lanie

Registered User
Aug 31, 2008
293
0
Surrey
Hi

Welcome, I hope you find some comfort and help from this site as I have done in the last few weeks since becoming a member.

Lanie
 

Luca

Registered User
Jul 9, 2008
49
0
Sutton Coldfield.
Welcome to Tp. haven't been here long but have found such kindness. I don't know what to say most of the time but I just read the threads. Luca.
 

TinaT

Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
7,097
0
Costa Blanca Spain
Hi Luca,

It is indeed good to hear from you. I'm sure one day a post will touch you in some way, may be reflect something you have experienced or you will be able to add your experiences to something. A trouble shared is a trouble halved (at least for the time we are here on TP).

xxTinaT
 

Luca

Registered User
Jul 9, 2008
49
0
Sutton Coldfield.
Hello again. Thank you for replying. I feel sad today , my B is at his memory club [he forgets where he has been when he gets home] and I am thinking how life has change for us, as it has for all of you on TP. B tells be he loves me and couldn't manage with out me, but I keep shouting at him really badly and when I do I don't feel any love for him - where is my compasion and kindness. I think I am selfish and I just want to be quiet. I feel that I am not like all the other people that use TP. Is there something wrong with me with not having the compasion that you all seem to have. Luca.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
Hello Luca

Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Your life has changed into something you do not recognize.

Have you considered seeing your GP about yourself. Perhaps there is some help available for you. You sound so low.

Love xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
Hello aceblytons

Please do not feel you have been overlooked. It would be nice if you could post again and tell us how you are coping, living with dementia.
Love xx
 

ROSEANN

Registered User
Oct 1, 2006
909
0
75
staffordshire
Dear Luca
Please dont feel bad about shouting, I know exactly how you feel.
I have had a particuly bad few months and should have respite a few weeks ago but my husband had to go into hospital.

At the time I was desperate for respite I was shouting at him for the least little thing then I`d feel guitly because it is not his fault but at he end of the day I was worn out, not sleeping and his sundowning was very bad.

Try to remember we are only human and can only take so much.
It sounds to me as if you are ready for a break.

As for myself I am having respite next week and never thought I would be so glad to be away from my husband but I know that if I do not have the break I will not be able to carry on careing for him.
Please take care
Love Roseann
 

TinaT

Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
7,097
0
Costa Blanca Spain
Luca,

I've been there and worn the T shirt many times. Caring makes you face a lot of unpleasant realities, one of these is that we are not plaster saints!! As much as we want to do a very good job of caring, the odds are stacked incredibly high against us. We have lost our husband, best friend, mother, father, brother etc., the confidant and co partner we chose. This disease takes them away from us - either for parts of the day or for most of the day.

On top of this we still have to run a home, perhaps a family as well, see to the bills, washing, dripping taps and all the other irritating trivia which creep into our lives and which we have to cope with alone.

Then there is the new aspect of asking for help from the Social Agencies - a mamouth task in itself and worthy of a gold medal if you finally get the help from such services which you need. This task is especially hard at first as we don't know who to ask, what to ask for, or if we will get any help at all, again quite an isolating and frightening situation to be in. Once this ball is rolling, you have to cope with the loss of privicy in your own home when strangers are knocking on the door to either assess or give some help.

Is it any wonder that we 'crack' and sometimes let out the sadness, frustration and a million and one other bad emotions? We know that this illness has changed our lives, turned it upside down and inside out.

We also know that we are not really shouting at our loved one, they are suffering so badly already. We sometimes cannot see the suffering they are experiencing because we are too busy dealing with everything else. We are shouting out against what is happening to us and trying to keep the the strength to cope with it all.

Please don't beat yourself up as all you are feeling, many of us on TP have also felt (and still do at times). The rejection is not rejection of our love for a person but for what we are going through. The only advice I can give is that shouting at our loved ones has a negative effect, both on ourselves and on the one we are caring for.

Shout out for help, from relatives, friends, Social Services, any other agencies in your area such as Help the Aged, Admiral Nurses, Crossroads! Get some help in the caring. Some of these agencies are in your local phone book. Do some phoning round and try to join a group where you will meet others in your situation. They may not be the same age group as yourself or in your exact situation but they will certainly give you support and understanding. I know this has helped me in learning to accept and cope as best I can.

xxTinaT
 

Luca

Registered User
Jul 9, 2008
49
0
Sutton Coldfield.
Thank you all for your advice. You are right, of course, I am shouting at the situation, althought it is B that is standinf/sitting there. I am feeling low in myself and feel now I have to see a doctor, just to talk to, maybe. B has vas,dem. and, I understand that it will last for ages - if I am like this now, how willI be later. I have thought about this and suggested a further day at Day Centre, which he refuses to go. He follows me everywhere - I just want to be quiet. He still on about money and my son and I have sorted all as best we can. My son takes him out each Sunday but when B returns he says he just want's to stay with me. Is it a symptom that this illness makes people 'cling'?

I am sorry for maoning but I am now beginning to say how I feel. Luca.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,447
0
Kent
Hello Luca

You are your husband`s security and I`m sure that is why he is so clinging. He knows you better than anyone and in the turmoil his dementia causes him you are his constant.

Saying that, I understand absolutely it is not a place you want to be. Who would. The only way I try to make it easier for myself is try to imagine how I would feel if the situation was reversed.

However awful it is I would choose to be the carer rather than the cared for. This thought keeps me going.

Talking Point is here for you to moan. Please do not apologize. Being a carer for someone with dementia is soul destroying. There is no way out.

I only wish I could say something more positive. Perhaps in time your husband will agree to day care. I don`t suppose it`s any use suggesting Crossroads either, they would send a chosen carer to sit with your husband so you can go out. I am waiting to try this with my husband as he also refuses day care. They have an excellent reputation.
 

connie

Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
9,519
0
Frinton-on-Sea
Dear Luca, you have every right to say how you feel.

Whilst we all go about caring in the way that suits us best, we all handle things differently.

In the same way some people do beome very clingy, whilst others may shout and abuse the very people who are caring the most.

Please have a talk with your doctor on how you feel and how you are coping. Maybe your SW or someone similar may be able to encourage B to go to the day centre an extra day for you. You are certainly not being selfish in wanting/needing a little space for yourself.

I guess inside B is so confused/frightened by the situation he is going to turn to the person he loves best.

He still on about money and my son and I have sorted all as best we can

Hopefully this will be just a phase, and you will have to repeat all you have said and discussed time and time again.

Sorry to have no practical help for you, but we are always here to listen and sympathise.
 

Luca

Registered User
Jul 9, 2008
49
0
Sutton Coldfield.
Thank you all so much for your reply's.
B does cling. He follows all the time. to the computer, rto the toilet, everwhere. Toiler: B says 'can I give you a hand' I declined to comment. Luca.
 

aceblytons

Registered User
Sep 2, 2007
58
0
Wigan
luca

just read your post,i have been through the clinging
stage,like you said toilet,computer,anywhere and it really gets
to you.
when i ask les why(can i help)or just sees me and goes away again
been told its a feeling of insecurity,when he sees me
he is ok.
its still happens but not as often,i hope it slows down soon
for you.

hugs aceblytons:)