Luca,
I've been there and worn the T shirt many times. Caring makes you face a lot of unpleasant realities, one of these is that we are not plaster saints!! As much as we want to do a very good job of caring, the odds are stacked incredibly high against us. We have lost our husband, best friend, mother, father, brother etc., the confidant and co partner we chose. This disease takes them away from us - either for parts of the day or for most of the day.
On top of this we still have to run a home, perhaps a family as well, see to the bills, washing, dripping taps and all the other irritating trivia which creep into our lives and which we have to cope with alone.
Then there is the new aspect of asking for help from the Social Agencies - a mamouth task in itself and worthy of a gold medal if you finally get the help from such services which you need. This task is especially hard at first as we don't know who to ask, what to ask for, or if we will get any help at all, again quite an isolating and frightening situation to be in. Once this ball is rolling, you have to cope with the loss of privicy in your own home when strangers are knocking on the door to either assess or give some help.
Is it any wonder that we 'crack' and sometimes let out the sadness, frustration and a million and one other bad emotions? We know that this illness has changed our lives, turned it upside down and inside out.
We also know that we are not really shouting at our loved one, they are suffering so badly already. We sometimes cannot see the suffering they are experiencing because we are too busy dealing with everything else. We are shouting out against what is happening to us and trying to keep the the strength to cope with it all.
Please don't beat yourself up as all you are feeling, many of us on TP have also felt (and still do at times). The rejection is not rejection of our love for a person but for what we are going through. The only advice I can give is that shouting at our loved ones has a negative effect, both on ourselves and on the one we are caring for.
Shout out for help, from relatives, friends, Social Services, any other agencies in your area such as Help the Aged, Admiral Nurses, Crossroads! Get some help in the caring. Some of these agencies are in your local phone book. Do some phoning round and try to join a group where you will meet others in your situation. They may not be the same age group as yourself or in your exact situation but they will certainly give you support and understanding. I know this has helped me in learning to accept and cope as best I can.
xxTinaT