Inappropriate response

[PalSal]

Well, here we go... truthfully.

I completely lost it last night with Nick: Monday night he got up and tore up the house before I woke up to what he was up too. He went in every room took looking for his glasses. Open and emptied drawers threw stuff around in every room in the house. I woke up (I have been wearing ear plugs to help me sleep...and so that I do not hear all his night movements) but I eventually heard him. By then he had done a big 'search and destroy’. Of course, I quickly found his glasses which were in bed with us, something he often does. I was tired and went back to bed, I cleaned up the house up in the morning.

We had a good day yesterday, I have a summer cold and do not feel so great. Made him three meals and snacks yesterday and a long walk with his carer and I slept a bit. I made a lovely dinner, ate with him. Then I suggested we watch a movie. He could not settle. So, I stopped the film and helped him shower and get dressed for bed. I gave him a pill (Dipiperon) and he went to bed. After an hour I heard him tearing things up again looking for his glasses which were in one of the multiple eye glass cases by his bed. I went down and asked if I could help and he just would not let me. He told me to get out, as he starting tearing drawers out and dumping them. I lost it. I went up to him and struck him in his chest with my fists. I am so ashamed. But he stopped and then I cried and told him I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Then he came to his senses for a moment, and told me he is so sorry and he doesn't understand why he becomes so obsessed and uncontrolled. He told me he loved and he is so sorry that sometimes, he just cannot be helped. It was so sad for both of us. I really do not understand that he does not trust me to take care of him and help him....I have been taking care of him and helping for so many years. I told him I was very sorry for hitting him and asked him to forgive me. He said he understood and of course, he would forgive me. He was unhurt physically, but that is not the point. I gave him a second pill .Dipiperon (the doctor says I can give up to 4 per day) . And the rest of night he was quiet. I guess he is going to require more sedative medication in the evening.

I told Nick if I am so disrupted, that these kind of physical confrontations (this is our third such interaction in 16 years of the disease, once over a huge plant we have and once over his old obsession of the trash bags and the post box.) are unacceptable and I can no longer take care of him if I respond to him in such a way. It was a truly horrible feeling of being out of control. I feel terrible today...full of sadness and regretting my behavior last night. Pushed over the edge. I am sure there are those of you who can honestly understand...and those of you who cannot understand.

I have only been home from my holiday break since June 17th. and already reached low in care giving. I thought the break would refresh me for longer than that.

Today, I have already made his breakfast and coffee. He is going to take a walk this afternoon with one of the volunteers while I study German with my teacher. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult when the worst of ones self surfaces. I have to accept that I am not perfect, and perhaps I am reaching a point of inability to care appropriately. I will try to do my best for him today....and for myself, but I have a heavy heart.

 

[kindred]

Well, here we go... truthfully.

I completely lost it last night with Nick: Monday night he got up and tore up the house before I woke up to what he was up too. He went in every room took looking for his glasses. Open and emptied drawers threw stuff around in every room in the house. I woke up (I have been wearing ear plugs to help me sleep...and so that I do not hear all his night movements) but I eventually heard him. By then he had done a big 'search and destroy’. Of course, I quickly found his glasses which were in bed with us, something he often does. I was tired and went back to bed, I cleaned up the house up in the morning.

We had a good day yesterday, I have a summer cold and do not feel so great. Made him three meals and snacks yesterday and a long walk with his carer and I slept a bit. I made a lovely dinner, ate with him. Then I suggested we watch a movie. He could not settle. So, I stopped the film and helped him shower and get dressed for bed. I gave him a pill (Dipiperon) and he went to bed. After an hour I heard him tearing things up again looking for his glasses which were in one of the multiple eye glass cases by his bed. I went down and asked if I could help and he just would not let me. He told me to get out, as he starting tearing drawers out and dumping them. I lost it. I went up to him and struck him in his chest with my fists. I am so ashamed. But he stopped and then I cried and told him I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Then he came to his senses for a moment, and told me he is so sorry and he doesn't understand why he becomes so obsessed and uncontrolled. He told me he loved and he is so sorry that sometimes, he just cannot be helped. It was so sad for both of us. I really do not understand that he does not trust me to take care of him and help him....I have been taking care of him and helping for so many years. I told him I was very sorry for hitting him and asked him to forgive me. He said he understood and of course, he would forgive me. He was unhurt physically, but that is not the point. I gave him a second pill .Dipiperon (the doctor says I can give up to 4 per day) . And the rest of night he was quiet. I guess he is going to require more sedative medication in the evening.

I told Nick if I am so disrupted, that these kind of physical confrontations (this is our third such interaction in 16 years of the disease, once over a huge plant we have and once over his old obsession of the trash bags and the post box.) are unacceptable and I can no longer take care of him if I respond to him in such a way. It was a truly horrible feeling of being out of control. I feel terrible today...full of sadness and regretting my behavior last night. Pushed over the edge. I am sure there are those of you who can honestly understand...and those of you who cannot understand.

I have only been home from my holiday break since June 17th. and already reached low in care giving. I thought the break would refresh me for longer than that.

Today, I have already made his breakfast and coffee. He is going to take a walk this afternoon with one of the volunteers while I study German with my teacher. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult when the worst of ones self surfaces. I have to accept that I am not perfect, and perhaps I am reaching a point of inability to care appropriately. I will try to do my best for him today....and for myself, but I have a heavy heart.

Oh sweetheart, we are human beings dealing with unhinged behaviour, again and again and again. We are going to reach our limits, we are going to get very angry and often, we are going to hit out. I caught my Oh yet again fiddling with the central heating controls, lost count of how many times I have had to have engineer out, and I hit his arm away far harder than i needed to. I could not stop myself. I know about the regret an feeling out of control, but we are human, we like order and safety and spend a lot of our waking hours ensuring these. Dementia prefers chaos. Please, please comfort your mind, do not suffer any more. You are human, it's OK to be human. Love and thoughts, Geraldine aka kindred.

 

[YorkshireLass]

Well, here we go... truthfully.

I completely lost it last night with Nick: Monday night he got up and tore up the house before I woke up to what he was up too. He went in every room took looking for his glasses. Open and emptied drawers threw stuff around in every room in the house. I woke up (I have been wearing ear plugs to help me sleep...and so that I do not hear all his night movements) but I eventually heard him. By then he had done a big 'search and destroy’. Of course, I quickly found his glasses which were in bed with us, something he often does. I was tired and went back to bed, I cleaned up the house up in the morning.

We had a good day yesterday, I have a summer cold and do not feel so great. Made him three meals and snacks yesterday and a long walk with his carer and I slept a bit. I made a lovely dinner, ate with him. Then I suggested we watch a movie. He could not settle. So, I stopped the film and helped him shower and get dressed for bed. I gave him a pill (Dipiperon) and he went to bed. After an hour I heard him tearing things up again looking for his glasses which were in one of the multiple eye glass cases by his bed. I went down and asked if I could help and he just would not let me. He told me to get out, as he starting tearing drawers out and dumping them. I lost it. I went up to him and struck him in his chest with my fists. I am so ashamed. But he stopped and then I cried and told him I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Then he came to his senses for a moment, and told me he is so sorry and he doesn't understand why he becomes so obsessed and uncontrolled. He told me he loved and he is so sorry that sometimes, he just cannot be helped. It was so sad for both of us. I really do not understand that he does not trust me to take care of him and help him....I have been taking care of him and helping for so many years. I told him I was very sorry for hitting him and asked him to forgive me. He said he understood and of course, he would forgive me. He was unhurt physically, but that is not the point. I gave him a second pill .Dipiperon (the doctor says I can give up to 4 per day) . And the rest of night he was quiet. I guess he is going to require more sedative medication in the evening.

I told Nick if I am so disrupted, that these kind of physical confrontations (this is our third such interaction in 16 years of the disease, once over a huge plant we have and once over his old obsession of the trash bags and the post box.) are unacceptable and I can no longer take care of him if I respond to him in such a way. It was a truly horrible feeling of being out of control. I feel terrible today...full of sadness and regretting my behavior last night. Pushed over the edge. I am sure there are those of you who can honestly understand...and those of you who cannot understand.

I have only been home from my holiday break since June 17th. and already reached low in care giving. I thought the break would refresh me for longer than that.

Today, I have already made his breakfast and coffee. He is going to take a walk this afternoon with one of the volunteers while I study German with my teacher. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult when the worst of ones self surfaces. I have to accept that I am not perfect, and perhaps I am reaching a point of inability to care appropriately. I will try to do my best for him today....and for myself, but I have a heavy heart.

Morning PalSal, reading your post made me so sad as I have also been there but with my mum who is now in full time care. We are human as Kindred says and reach the end of our tether. Sadly with our loved ones all too often there is no reasoning. At that moment It's impossible to change their determination to do whatever is fixed in their mind. As this terrible disease progress we need to look to the next step and summon help.Initially for me it was the GP and after that I tried Social Services which was a disaster as things had progressed too far for them .As soon as you realise you aren't managing the situation it is certainly the right time if not a little way beyond. My advice is to try and get a step ahead even if it's a plan in place as opposed to actually taking the step that is all too often inevitable. With my mum I was always in catch up mode believing I could and would cope until the end. Not to be for me. I'm sure others on the forum will be along soon to offer advice. I hope today is a calmer day xxx

 

[PalSal]

Oh sweetheart, we are human beings dealing with unhinged behaviour, again and again and again. We are going to reach our limits, we are going to get very angry and often, we are going to hit out. I caught my Oh yet again fiddling with the central heating controls, lost count of how many times I have had to have engineer out, and I hit his arm away far harder than i needed to. I could not stop myself. I know about the regret an feeling out of control, but we are human, we like order and safety and spend a lot of our waking hours ensuring these. Dementia prefers chaos. Please, please comfort your mind, do not suffer any more. You are human, it's OK to be human. Love and thoughts, Geraldine aka kindred.

You are so very kind to share truthfully. I really appreciate that you shared that you have struke out uncontrollably...I was feeling like the only one. Thank you. I am taking him off to town. Hopefully we are going to pick up the new glasses. (our theme is glasses at teh moment...it has been trash, pocket knives, coffee pellets, recycling to name but a few over the years.

 

[Grannie G]

You have bared your soul @PalSal and I hope it helped.

It doesn`t make it right but many of us know what it`s like to snap. it`s good you are open and honest about the event and perhaps it is a warning to you to seek more help, if you are getting any at all.

I`ve no idea what support is available for you but I do think your cry for help needs to be heard.

Please see someone about the stress you are living with. You cannot continue in this way.

 

[Amethyst59]

I imagine that many of us who are, or who have been, carers have been in the same position as you. We are so good at remembering the times we have lost control and said, or done, something nasty...but we are not so good at rembering the countless times we have dealt with impossible,situations with love and patience. I know, in your case, the latter case has been the reality, rather than the former. You are human...and you lost control, and you apologised. And how lovely that Nick was aware of your upset and accepted your apology.
There probably will come a point when you need more help than you are getting now, either physical help, or to use more medication, and you have realised that. So although it was a horrible episode it has had a positive result.
But, on the subjective side, yes it is horrible and it makes you feel bad...and we’ve all been there. I haven’t hit out, but I have said some horrible things. But we get it right more than we get it wrong, and that’s what we have to remember. And also, if the position were reversed, would you forgive Nick for losing control? I think you would, so forgive yourself.

 

[Izzy]

I’m sorry to hear of your situation. As others have said before I think it’s goid you’ve shared here.

I know you are in Switzerland so I’m not sure what kind of support there may be for you there. I had a look for an Alzheimers Association and found one but the web page is in Germán. I don’t know if it will be of any help to you but here it is -http://www.alz.ch/

 

[Starbright]

Well, here we go... truthfully.

I completely lost it last night with Nick: Monday night he got up and tore up the house before I woke up to what he was up too. He went in every room took looking for his glasses. Open and emptied drawers threw stuff around in every room in the house. I woke up (I have been wearing ear plugs to help me sleep...and so that I do not hear all his night movements) but I eventually heard him. By then he had done a big 'search and destroy’. Of course, I quickly found his glasses which were in bed with us, something he often does. I was tired and went back to bed, I cleaned up the house up in the morning.

We had a good day yesterday, I have a summer cold and do not feel so great. Made him three meals and snacks yesterday and a long walk with his carer and I slept a bit. I made a lovely dinner, ate with him. Then I suggested we watch a movie. He could not settle. So, I stopped the film and helped him shower and get dressed for bed. I gave him a pill (Dipiperon) and he went to bed. After an hour I heard him tearing things up again looking for his glasses which were in one of the multiple eye glass cases by his bed. I went down and asked if I could help and he just would not let me. He told me to get out, as he starting tearing drawers out and dumping them. I lost it. I went up to him and struck him in his chest with my fists. I am so ashamed. But he stopped and then I cried and told him I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Then he came to his senses for a moment, and told me he is so sorry and he doesn't understand why he becomes so obsessed and uncontrolled. He told me he loved and he is so sorry that sometimes, he just cannot be helped. It was so sad for both of us. I really do not understand that he does not trust me to take care of him and help him....I have been taking care of him and helping for so many years. I told him I was very sorry for hitting him and asked him to forgive me. He said he understood and of course, he would forgive me. He was unhurt physically, but that is not the point. I gave him a second pill .Dipiperon (the doctor says I can give up to 4 per day) . And the rest of night he was quiet. I guess he is going to require more sedative medication in the evening.

I told Nick if I am so disrupted, that these kind of physical confrontations (this is our third such interaction in 16 years of the disease, once over a huge plant we have and once over his old obsession of the trash bags and the post box.) are unacceptable and I can no longer take care of him if I respond to him in such a way. It was a truly horrible feeling of being out of control. I feel terrible today...full of sadness and regretting my behavior last night. Pushed over the edge. I am sure there are those of you who can honestly understand...and those of you who cannot understand.

I have only been home from my holiday break since June 17th. and already reached low in care giving. I thought the break would refresh me for longer than that.

Today, I have already made his breakfast and coffee. He is going to take a walk this afternoon with one of the volunteers while I study German with my teacher. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult when the worst of ones self surfaces. I have to accept that I am not perfect, and perhaps I am reaching a point of inability to care appropriately. I will try to do my best for him today....and for myself, but I have a heavy heart.

That is so so sad you have felt so low, please don’t beat yourself up about it as has been said we are only human and you’ve been taken to the edge and back. I’m sure you will keep doing your best for him,but you need and deserve what’s best for you also. Take care A x

 

[kindred]

I imagine that many of us who are, or who have been, carers have been in the same position as you. We are so good at remembering the times we have lost control and said, or done, something nasty...but we are not so good at rembering the countless times we have dealt with impossible,situations with love and patience. I know, in your case, the latter case has been the reality, rather than the former. You are human...and you lost control, and you apologised. And how lovely that Nick was aware of your upset and accepted your apology.
There probably will come a point when you need more help than you are getting now, either physical help, or to use more medication, and you have realised that. So although it was a horrible episode it has had a positive result.
But, on the subjective side, yes it is horrible and it makes you feel bad...and we’ve all been there. I haven’t hit out, but I have said some horrible things. But we get it right more than we get it wrong, and that’s what we have to remember. And also, if the position were reversed, would you forgive Nick for losing control? I think you would, so forgive yourself.

Amethyst oh yes, how wise you are. Impossible situations. I have said horrible things, too. gxx

 

[Amy in the US]

I'm sorry you are upset and hope that getting things off your chest, has helped a bit.

I think sometimes as carers we hold ourselves to an impossibly, if understandably, high standard. Long term caregiving is never easy and caring for someone with dementia presents an especially challenging set of behaviors and issues to cope with. If you add sleep deprivation and interruption, it's that much harder.

I don't think lashing out in frustration and exhaustion, is a moral failing. I appreciate that it's upsetting for you, of course, but we are only human and we all have our limits. Perspective is not always an easy thing to have but please try not to be hard on yourself. There is enough to deal with, without adding guilt to the mix.

My PWD is my mother, and I have painful memories of the times I have lost patience, and my temper, and said and done things of which I am less than proud, even knowing that it's the dementia and not her fault, and that it won't help anything. I am sure others here know the overwhelmed feeling, also.

I don't know what kind of support might be available where you are, but would gently encourage you to avail yourself of anything and everything feasible. It's so hard to stay caught up with the issues and changes and challenges that dementia brings, never mind getting ahead of the curve. We all need all the help we can get!

 

[therese]

Oh I am so sad and filled with empathy for you this morning. I am close to despair this morning and don't quite know what to do next. I very nearly hit my oh with a hanger yesterday as he had shut the dog out inj the garden in high high temperatures and when I returned after a couple of hours visiting friend with advanced Parkinson's there was a letter from a neighbour complaining about the noise and abuse to the dog! All was well but could have been a disaster. This was followed up by discovering that the toilet needed a clear up and clean and then this morning ANOTHER clean up. I so so hate having to treat him as though I were changing a baby but its the only way to keep him clean - I loathe it all! However, this does not help you one bit except to say that none of us is perfect and none of us signed up to this in our vows - its so very hard but please don't feel you are alone in your feelings. I think partly it is grieving for a past life we know will never return; partly, it's frustration that we can't make things better and partly it's that we cannot possibly live up to our own high expectations of how we SHOULD be coping (we have to obliterate that word from our vocabulary I do believe!)
I send you my thoughts and thank you for your honest post which has helped me so much today.

 

[marionq]

On this dementia journey I have met through the groups we went to and through TP so many people I admire for their care and courage. Some are quite heroic. Every single one has admitted losing their cool at some point either verbally or physically although none have done actual harm. John and I never quarrelled in the past although we often disagreed but dementia tests emotions and patience to the limit. I have many times told John I couldn’t go on as we are and yet I’m still here and still trying to get through this illness with him. You are not alone.

 

[Marnie63]

I think it would take some very strong and controlled person to go through being a carer of someone with dementia, and not snap occasionally! In fact, I would say it's probably not natural to not snap or blast occasionally, as leaving it bottled up inside is probably worse. I've 'lost it' several times in the past with my mum, who is a very sweet 92 year old, now mostly bed bound. The symptoms and behaviours that this wretched disease presents us with are extreme, I'm sure like no other situation in life could present us with. I am only human and I am only one person, my mum's daughter. I can only do so much and I can only take so much before I need to release the pressure somehow. I have never lashed out at mum, and hope I never would, but I have got angry in the past, which I'm not proud of, but compared to all the other stuff I've done over the past nearly three years, it's a drop in the ocean in my view.

I am still (just about!) a believer and occasionally have a small worry that one day, somewhere, someone will challenge me on the way I have behaved at times with mum, but surely in my defence I can say that I have been presented with something almost impossible to deal with. Don't test me so much life, then I will behave more 'properly'. If you're going to test me to the extreme, then expect me to snap occasionally. You did make us human, after all.

 

[PalSal]

I imagine that many of us who are, or who have been, carers have been in the same position as you. We are so good at remembering the times we have lost control and said, or done, something nasty...but we are not so good at rembering the countless times we have dealt with impossible,situations with love and patience. I know, in your case, the latter case has been the reality, rather than the former. You are human...and you lost control, and you apologised. And how lovely that Nick was aware of your upset and accepted your apology.
There probably will come a point when you need more help than you are getting now, either physical help, or to use more medication, and you have realised that. So although it was a horrible episode it has had a positive result.
But, on the subjective side, yes it is horrible and it makes you feel bad...and we’ve all been there. I haven’t hit out, but I have said some horrible things. But we get it right more than we get it wrong, and that’s what we have to remember. And also, if the position were reversed, would you forgive Nick for losing control? I think you would, so forgive yourself.

Yes, he would, you are right about that. We just went to the city picked up his new eyeglasses and he had a fresh mushroom risotto. He has moved on with the moment. There are some times I am grateful he does not remember. Thank you.

 

[Amethyst59]

It looks delicious...and that looks like a happy man!

 

[Grahamstown]

Well, here we go... truthfully.

I completely lost it last night with Nick: Monday night he got up and tore up the house before I woke up to what he was up too. He went in every room took looking for his glasses. Open and emptied drawers threw stuff around in every room in the house. I woke up (I have been wearing ear plugs to help me sleep...and so that I do not hear all his night movements) but I eventually heard him. By then he had done a big 'search and destroy’. Of course, I quickly found his glasses which were in bed with us, something he often does. I was tired and went back to bed, I cleaned up the house up in the morning.

We had a good day yesterday, I have a summer cold and do not feel so great. Made him three meals and snacks yesterday and a long walk with his carer and I slept a bit. I made a lovely dinner, ate with him. Then I suggested we watch a movie. He could not settle. So, I stopped the film and helped him shower and get dressed for bed. I gave him a pill (Dipiperon) and he went to bed. After an hour I heard him tearing things up again looking for his glasses which were in one of the multiple eye glass cases by his bed. I went down and asked if I could help and he just would not let me. He told me to get out, as he starting tearing drawers out and dumping them. I lost it. I went up to him and struck him in his chest with my fists. I am so ashamed. But he stopped and then I cried and told him I am not sure how much longer I can go on like this. Then he came to his senses for a moment, and told me he is so sorry and he doesn't understand why he becomes so obsessed and uncontrolled. He told me he loved and he is so sorry that sometimes, he just cannot be helped. It was so sad for both of us. I really do not understand that he does not trust me to take care of him and help him....I have been taking care of him and helping for so many years. I told him I was very sorry for hitting him and asked him to forgive me. He said he understood and of course, he would forgive me. He was unhurt physically, but that is not the point. I gave him a second pill .Dipiperon (the doctor says I can give up to 4 per day) . And the rest of night he was quiet. I guess he is going to require more sedative medication in the evening.

I told Nick if I am so disrupted, that these kind of physical confrontations (this is our third such interaction in 16 years of the disease, once over a huge plant we have and once over his old obsession of the trash bags and the post box.) are unacceptable and I can no longer take care of him if I respond to him in such a way. It was a truly horrible feeling of being out of control. I feel terrible today...full of sadness and regretting my behavior last night. Pushed over the edge. I am sure there are those of you who can honestly understand...and those of you who cannot understand.

I have only been home from my holiday break since June 17th. and already reached low in care giving. I thought the break would refresh me for longer than that.

Today, I have already made his breakfast and coffee. He is going to take a walk this afternoon with one of the volunteers while I study German with my teacher. I try to stay positive, but it is difficult when the worst of ones self surfaces. I have to accept that I am not perfect, and perhaps I am reaching a point of inability to care appropriately. I will try to do my best for him today....and for myself, but I have a heavy heart.

I completely understand how you felt and behaved. I feel almost out of control with anger when he does stupid alcohol related things. I say almost, but a quite a few weeks ago now I pummelled and pushed him upstairs to the bedroom in my sheer frustration and fury at his lying and duplicity over drinking which seemed to be willfully designed to deceive, as in a child hiding a secret stash of sweets. Then he is tearful and remorseful which annoys me even more. I then go to TP to try and recover and usually do. Now of course I know that it is ‘not him’ but this terrible disease that is corrupting his brain. I have to get him away from me and out of my sight so that I cannot be even more angry. I am shocked by the violence of my feelings and hate it. I have not been caring for him as long as you have so you are heroic in your efforts but sometimes it just gets too much to bear and we crack. You definitely are not alone and I find myself behaving in a way which is unprecedented in 53 years of happy marriage with hardly a cross word until this past year. It was worse before diagnosis because then I thought I could reason, hence my anger, now I know that I just have to dictate what he can and cannot do. I know it may become something different maybe worse but I just have to keep going.