Thank you @canary I do have access to that and why didn't I think of that? Didn't even cross my mind!
Dealing with a metaphorical timebomb...
- Thread starter Earthgirl72
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Thank you @canary I do have access to that and why didn't I think of that? Didn't even cross my mind!
BTW, I didnt tell OH what I had done and he didnt realise it was me. He said his computer was playing up and I just said vaguely that perhaps there had been an upgrade. If your dad complains, just blame the internet provider and use "love lies" to say you will sort it out
Earthgirl, I've not had time to read through, sorry if I repeat others' advice.
No need to be discreet about the Internet pornography, unless it upsets you to talk about it, in which case I apologize profusely. It may help you to know that this is not uncommon or unusual with dementia, not at all, and I have seen others posters talk about this.
There are some meds that can tamp down the sexual drive, but no idea if that would work in this case, or be contraindicated due to other meds.
You could also disable the Internet completely on that computer, or put parental controls on.
At this point in the dementia I would try (much easier said than done and I appreciate that and am not trying to trample on your feelings, but am in a bit of a rush) not to worry about doing what you have to do. Don't beat yourself up for lying or being sneaky or not telling the entire truth. You cannot reason with a damanged brain and trying will only frustrate and upset both of you. I lie like a rug to keep my mother calm and content, because her state of mind and well being are more important to me than being honest and truthful. I think of it as being expedient and doing what needs to be done. Your mileage may well vary, but please do try not to add to your burden by feeling guilty. (All guilt gives me is indigestion and broken sleep!)
I hope if he's online, he has no access to purchase anything? I hate to tell you how much money my mother lost to scams and "charitable" donations before I took over the finances.
I'm sorry to be in a hurry and hope I haven't offended. You have so much going on and it's so hard to manage. Very best wishes.
No need to be discreet about the Internet pornography, unless it upsets you to talk about it, in which case I apologize profusely. It may help you to know that this is not uncommon or unusual with dementia, not at all, and I have seen others posters talk about this.
There are some meds that can tamp down the sexual drive, but no idea if that would work in this case, or be contraindicated due to other meds.
You could also disable the Internet completely on that computer, or put parental controls on.
At this point in the dementia I would try (much easier said than done and I appreciate that and am not trying to trample on your feelings, but am in a bit of a rush) not to worry about doing what you have to do. Don't beat yourself up for lying or being sneaky or not telling the entire truth. You cannot reason with a damanged brain and trying will only frustrate and upset both of you. I lie like a rug to keep my mother calm and content, because her state of mind and well being are more important to me than being honest and truthful. I think of it as being expedient and doing what needs to be done. Your mileage may well vary, but please do try not to add to your burden by feeling guilty. (All guilt gives me is indigestion and broken sleep!)
I hope if he's online, he has no access to purchase anything? I hate to tell you how much money my mother lost to scams and "charitable" donations before I took over the finances.
I'm sorry to be in a hurry and hope I haven't offended. You have so much going on and it's so hard to manage. Very best wishes.
I'm absolutely not offended at all Amy! I just didn't know if I was allowed to talk about it? It doesn't help that I even know my dad's 'preferences'
As he tries to search in the search computer box which I found quite by chance... Lucky me!I think I am going to try and utilise a tool from my teaching days, 2 stars and a wish - so I am going to try and find two 'stars,' or positives that arose from my day (not promising they'll be dad related lol) and one 'wish,' or something I can improve upon. I'm hoping to try and make myself feel more positive, as to be fair most of the time I just feel resentful.
In other news - I foolishly clicked on a free, 6 week body transformation thingamijig on Facebook, didn't think I'd be selected.. I was. So - I am off to the gym later this evening. I'm petrified. Watch this space lol.
Well, things are happening. Not sure if that's a good thing or not to be honest. Dad's Dr has referred him to Adult Social care - having made the comment that he doesn't think dad should still be living independently.Whilst I'm sure that dad does need a bit of help - and god knows I know that I am finding this tough at the moment, I wasn't aware that he was that bad? I think that I am struggling to figure out where anyone draws the line with this disease. Also spoke to dad's CPN and the lady from the Mental Health team, who also think the time has come to get extra help in place.I can't quite get my head around it all. Dad still (with a bit of a struggle admittedly) lives alone, can still get the bus and go to familiar places, and does quite a bit for himself. I can't help like feel I am a bit of a fraud? That they're going to say that I am making it up and that dad is quite fine? Even though in a way I am telling them that and it's all the other folks telling me otherwise? It's not helped by being told that I have to tell ASC about dad's worst case scenario day, not the good ones. I just feel that if I do that and they see dad on a good day - they'll think that I am lying.
I know that there isn't an instruction manual with dementia, I know that no two people are the same - but I do wish that I knew a bit more! Oh well, here comes another day of not knowing what the utter heck I am doing!
I know that there isn't an instruction manual with dementia, I know that no two people are the same - but I do wish that I knew a bit more! Oh well, here comes another day of not knowing what the utter heck I am doing!
@Earthgirl72 I have read your post and I am very sorry to hear about the difficulties you are having with your dad. I have found your story very helpful in illuminating some of the things that have happened with him which help with some of my difficulties too. Good luck with the process to come.
I'm so glad you didn't take offense.
Nope, no instruction manual for any of us, I'm afraid, and it is so hard to get a grasp on. For me, the learning curve for dementia was very steep and it took time to get my head wrapped around the "strangeness" of it all. I did a lot of reading (books, all the Alzheimer's Society fact sheets and information, new and old posts on TP) and found a local support group and also attend workshops and lectures given by my local Alzheimer's Society branch. All of that helped and maybe there is something you might find useful.
From what I have read here and heard from others in my support group, usually the person with dementia is worse than we think. I know that was true for me in terms of how much help my mother needed and how bad her dementia was. I am not saying you are in denial or anything negative, just that it is hard to assess this disease in general, hard to have a complete picture without 24/7 observation, and extremely difficult to be objective. Does that make sense?
It wasn't until after my mother went into care and I took a close look at her home and finances, that I began to understand the extent of the impact of her dementia on her daily life, and I wouldn't have believed it if I had been told! That is how good she was at hostess mode and keeping things from me. I won't bore you with the details but it was shocking. My only regret is not getting her help sooner.
Wherever your father is with his disease, the sad truth about dementia is that it will progress, things will change, and needs will increase. Nobody has a crystal ball to know what will happen when, but it cannot hurt to get plans and help in place now.
I hope you are able to find a way forward and get help and support for your dad, and for you. Please keep us posted and best wishes.
Nope, no instruction manual for any of us, I'm afraid, and it is so hard to get a grasp on. For me, the learning curve for dementia was very steep and it took time to get my head wrapped around the "strangeness" of it all. I did a lot of reading (books, all the Alzheimer's Society fact sheets and information, new and old posts on TP) and found a local support group and also attend workshops and lectures given by my local Alzheimer's Society branch. All of that helped and maybe there is something you might find useful.
From what I have read here and heard from others in my support group, usually the person with dementia is worse than we think. I know that was true for me in terms of how much help my mother needed and how bad her dementia was. I am not saying you are in denial or anything negative, just that it is hard to assess this disease in general, hard to have a complete picture without 24/7 observation, and extremely difficult to be objective. Does that make sense?
It wasn't until after my mother went into care and I took a close look at her home and finances, that I began to understand the extent of the impact of her dementia on her daily life, and I wouldn't have believed it if I had been told! That is how good she was at hostess mode and keeping things from me. I won't bore you with the details but it was shocking. My only regret is not getting her help sooner.
Wherever your father is with his disease, the sad truth about dementia is that it will progress, things will change, and needs will increase. Nobody has a crystal ball to know what will happen when, but it cannot hurt to get plans and help in place now.
I hope you are able to find a way forward and get help and support for your dad, and for you. Please keep us posted and best wishes.
So - it's been a quiet week for the most part. Dad's largely ok - well, as ok as possible, nightmare trying to make sure that he doesn't just go off walking in this heat as he never takes water with him, and never takes his mobile with him. For once I am not here to moan But rather to share one particular dad-ecdote.
I took him to get his shopping - standard. on the way he suddenly started craning around in the seat to see something that we had passed. I didn't pay much attention - usually it's as he's seen an attractive woman / a larger person / a person of colour / anything 'different' to him basically and if he starts, he doesn't stop!
So I ignored him for about half a mile. He was still desperately trying to see behind him so i gave in and asked what he was looking at.
Me: What is it dad?
Dad: (still facing the rear windscreen) It's a massive jet!
Me: Ok.
Dad: Wait! It's 2! No 3...4!
Me:
Dad: NO wait! It's 6, 7 - no there's 9! There are 9 massive jets!
Me: (bearing in mind we live in the very far west of Cornwall - not many massive jets seen round these parts) Really dad? Which way are they going?
Dad: Hang on there's two more, they're going that way (pointing behind us)
Me: 11 massive jets.
Dad: Yes! you can still see them, pull over!
Me:
Dad: You have to pull over!
Me: (nowhere to pull over)
Dad: I think it's Putin
Me: Could it be? Is he right? 11 massive jets flying over west Cornwall. Oh god, husband and daughter at work, other daughter at home with grandson, what do I do? Actually started feeling a bit twitchy. Dad still craning to watch all this going on.
Finally pulled over, it was chem trails. Not war after all.
But rather to share one particular dad-ecdote. I took him to get his shopping - standard. on the way he suddenly started craning around in the seat to see something that we had passed. I didn't pay much attention - usually it's as he's seen an attractive woman / a larger person / a person of colour / anything 'different' to him basically and if he starts, he doesn't stop!
So I ignored him for about half a mile. He was still desperately trying to see behind him so i gave in and asked what he was looking at.
Me: What is it dad?
Dad: (still facing the rear windscreen) It's a massive jet!
Me: Ok.
Dad: Wait! It's 2! No 3...4!
Me:
Dad: NO wait! It's 6, 7 - no there's 9! There are 9 massive jets!
Me: (bearing in mind we live in the very far west of Cornwall - not many massive jets seen round these parts) Really dad? Which way are they going?
Dad: Hang on there's two more, they're going that way (pointing behind us)
Me: 11 massive jets.
Dad: Yes! you can still see them, pull over!
Me:
Dad: You have to pull over!
Me: (nowhere to pull over)
Dad: I think it's Putin
Me:
Could it be? Is he right? 11 massive jets flying over west Cornwall. Oh god, husband and daughter at work, other daughter at home with grandson, what do I do? Actually started feeling a bit twitchy. Dad still craning to watch all this going on.Finally pulled over, it was chem trails. Not war after all.
Well thats good to knowFinally pulled over, it was chem trails. Not war after all.
Hi @Earthgirl72 - my husband has many visions but not as dramatic as the jets - - tv usually gives him plenty of scope - so in recent weeks we have been to a few of the World Cup soccer matches and of course we were at the royal wedding - When my husband told my brother in law (also has D) that we went to the royal wedding - he was almost accepting - "so how did you get an invite " he demanded. My husband turned to me (who knows everything) and said - "how did we get that invite" - I just smiled and said "we always were lucky". X
Well, no more massive jets, but Dad definitely seems to be taking a down turn
Last Friday he tried to refill his dossette box before I got there. Completely wrong as you can imagine. Luckily I got to it and corrected it. Dad had halved his anticoagulant, doubled the heart meds and generally made a mess of it. He tried though! He's trying so hard to maintain his independence and it pains me to have to point out that he can't quite do it anymore.
Cut to this week. Called him yesterday morning as usual, he sounded very strange. Slow, slurred and said he was exhausted despite sleeping well. Went down, thinking that it might have been another TIA. No - he'd taken all his meds for the whole day. When I asked what he'd done. He started by saying that he'd noticed that they were gone, and that I must have ****ed it up. No, not me dad, sorry. Oh in that case he must have taken them, he didn't know why, or when. Call drs etc - no real damage done, just one pill would have made him drowsy etc. Keep an eye and make sure he doesn't take any more... So - all dad's pills are here and I will start taking them down morning and night. I could have done without that but hey ho.
Seeing Mental Health team today. ASC are assessing dad next week. I know that they'll say that he doesn't need care as dad is as yet still capable of washing, dressing etc. So what they'll say - who knows. Watch this space.
Last Friday he tried to refill his dossette box before I got there. Completely wrong as you can imagine. Luckily I got to it and corrected it. Dad had halved his anticoagulant, doubled the heart meds and generally made a mess of it. He tried though! He's trying so hard to maintain his independence and it pains me to have to point out that he can't quite do it anymore.
Cut to this week. Called him yesterday morning as usual, he sounded very strange. Slow, slurred and said he was exhausted despite sleeping well. Went down, thinking that it might have been another TIA. No - he'd taken all his meds for the whole day. When I asked what he'd done. He started by saying that he'd noticed that they were gone, and that I must have ****ed it up. No, not me dad, sorry. Oh in that case he must have taken them, he didn't know why, or when. Call drs etc - no real damage done, just one pill would have made him drowsy etc. Keep an eye and make sure he doesn't take any more... So - all dad's pills are here and I will start taking them down morning and night. I could have done without that but hey ho.
Seeing Mental Health team today. ASC are assessing dad next week. I know that they'll say that he doesn't need care as dad is as yet still capable of washing, dressing etc. So what they'll say - who knows. Watch this space.
I now have to dispense the pills for my OH because he forgets and muddles up morning and evening. Otherwise he can take care of himself with reminders to shower and change his clothes, drink water occasionally, avoid alcohol, take his sweater off in this heat, and not wrap up with winter bedding in July. With all these bits of help, similar to a young boy, he can function quite well on a basic level.Well, no more massive jets, but Dad definitely seems to be taking a down turn
Last Friday he tried to refill his dossette box before I got there. Completely wrong as you can imagine. Luckily I got to it and corrected it. Dad had halved his anticoagulant, doubled the heart meds and generally made a mess of it. He tried though! He's trying so hard to maintain his independence and it pains me to have to point out that he can't quite do it anymore.
Cut to this week. Called him yesterday morning as usual, he sounded very strange. Slow, slurred and said he was exhausted despite sleeping well. Went down, thinking that it might have been another TIA. No - he'd taken all his meds for the whole day. When I asked what he'd done. He started by saying that he'd noticed that they were gone, and that I must have ****ed it up. No, not me dad, sorry. Oh in that case he must have taken them, he didn't know why, or when. Call drs etc - no real damage done, just one pill would have made him drowsy etc. Keep an eye and make sure he doesn't take any more... So - all dad's pills are here and I will start taking them down morning and night. I could have done without that but hey ho.
Seeing Mental Health team today. ASC are assessing dad next week. I know that they'll say that he doesn't need care as dad is as yet still capable of washing, dressing etc. So what they'll say - who knows. Watch this space.
That's dad down to a tee Grahamstown.
Well, they're going to stop all the evening medication. I think that's a good thing. It does mean that dad will no longer have the simvastatin, but the lovely eldercare Dr who I totally wasn't expecting to be present, thinks that it is pointless and will not sufficiently reduce any further strokes so may as well take it out of the equation. He'll also lose the terazosin, which dad is convinced is for late night weeing but is actually for blood pressure and - it appears - the one medication that might have caused all the dizziness in the first place!
They have recommended carers are put in place, dad agreed - well, he said yes while they were there. He now says that he didn't hear a word that was said. Too late dad - you have verbally consented to ASC intervening
Today we are trying daycentre again. I am crossing all my fingers that that goes well, with a dream of building the one or two days a week in the summer to 5 in the winter. Probably never going to happen, but a girl's got to have hope!
