Vigils

[Tender Face]

I admit I am terrified. Terrified of not being with mum when the inevitable happens .... and if I am honest a total coward that I am terrified of being there too. Every time I leave her bedside now I am clinging onto her 'last words' just in case they really are .......

On a purely practical level I cannot be with mum 24/7 and Sod's Law may well dictate that even if I could make a choice, I will be in the wrong place at the wrong time ....

I have seen so many condolences on TP where people suggest 'being there' is such a comfort ... what if I'm not?

Karen

 

[jenniferpa]

Well you know Karen, I wasn't. I wish I had been, but I took comfort from 1) shortly before she died Mummy said "I don't want Jenny to have to deal with me like this" so I actually think she chose to go then and 2) several people have posted that their loved one seemed to choose to die the very moment they had popped to the loo or something - almost as if they waited until they were alone. Whatever happens, she knows you love her and you are doing all you can -try not to beat yourself up over something, I have decided, is fairly small in a loving life and is really the last thing they may have control over - when to die.

Love

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Karen, there is nothing you can do about it. When my dad died, I am 100% convinced he wanted us to be with him. We got a phone call from the hospice at 10 a.m. to say he had been shouting for us by name (but not to worry!). I worried. My dad didn't shout for no good reason. We had been planning on setting off to visit at 1 p.m. (1 hour journey), but I rang mum and told her we were going NOW. I arrived to pick her up at 10.15 and my husband rang my mobile to say he had died. 15 minutes earlier he had been shouting for us. Nobody could meet that deadline given that we were told not to worry.

So, we weren't with my dad when he died. It is major regret of mine. In fact, I did wonder the day before when we visited if we should have stayed the night, but for whatever reason we didn't. He went into the hospice to have his medication regulated and we expected him to come home for a few more months. I just had this feeling the day before.... if I hadn't had to take mum home, I would have stayed with him. Mum would not have stayed, she needed her sleep adn routine, she would not have put herself out, but I would have done, and I wish I had been with him. But I wasn't, and there is no point in procrastinating, I wasn't there, and that is that. If there is an afterlife, dad will know I wanted to be with him.

Karen your mum will know you wanted to be there, and she will take comfort from that. Don't worry about it love.

Margaret

 

[Tender Face]

Jennifer, the word 'control' jumps out at me.

I wasn't there for my dad (long lingering complex illnesses but no prior warnings of his sudden death), I wasn't there for my beloved SIL and best friend, my MIL, my FIL, my aunt etc etc ... all because I got the call when 'too late' was the cry. It was out of my hands .... and I have felt no remorse because there was nothing I could do about it ....

I wonder I am still grieving the loss of control? For the last few /several years I have 'organised' mum .... cared for her as best I can, screamed and shouted on her behalf at times, organised other care for her whilst I tried to maintain some semblance of normal life .... tried to make things as 'perfect' as they can be ..... and now ....... no bl***y idea whether my mobile is going to ring for me to get back to the NH before I even finish this post - or whether I might be sat here still in a fortnight's time bleating on about mum still defying every prognosis .......

This is the one bit I can't plan and try to make perfect ...... and living on this knife edge is crucifying me ......

I questioned myself today - is there anything been left undone or unsaid? I don't believe so ..... we have made our peace about 'difficult times' ... we have laughed ... we have hugged ........ and I am just waiting ..... and it hurts like hell ......Sorry.

Karen

 

[jude1950]

Hi Karen

I have no words of advice to help you through this terrible time but I am thinking of you and praying for a peaceful end for your Mum after all the trauma's you have both endured.
God Bless
Judith

 

[Mameeskye]

Karen

I have been priviledged to be there with my parents. But I also made sure that in her last hours Mum had time to be by herself too, in case she wanted this to be her own private moment. To give what control I could back to her for her own life.

The fear and angst of not knowing how long it can go on for eats into your soul. There is no "not worrying" because it is all you can do and life takes on an unreal quality.

You have nothing to have regrets about. You have done everything possible for your Mum. You have given her peace, comfort, love, hugs and laughter to deal with all that life has thrown at her on these last few months.

We always fear that which we cannot control, for it adds uncertainty to our lives. But whatever will happen will happen and rest certain in the knowledge that it was as it was meant to be and that you have been the best daughter you could be for your Mum.

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Watching with you and thinking of you and your Mum and your family

Love

Mameeskye

 

[nicetotalk]

H i karen

My mums last weeks in hospital were awful everytime i visited i was alone untill outher family members came, i use to dread it i could not handle being there on my own if she died i was scared becuse i did not iknow what to expect. I n the end my sisters and myself were there i am glad i was, My dad was here main carer for 8 years i wonder if he felt hurt that it was not him there. take care of ;yourself thinking of you

kathy x

 

[TinaT]

Karen, What an astute person you are! Even in the midst of this terrible, emotional time you can analyse your feelings into its component parts so accurately. The lack of control you mention is at the heart of many of our problems when dealing with being a carer and of course it is with us right up to the end.

God bless you and your lovely family. I only hope when the time comes for me to face what you are facing so bravely, I do it as well as you are doing.

xxTinaT

 

[Margarita]

The fear and angst of not knowing how long it can go on for eats into your soul. There is no "not worrying" because it is all you can do and life takes on an unreal quality.

I can relate to that .

When mum sister was put on Morphine after having a brain stroke, it surly did eat into my soul life did take on an unreal quality, because I could not put into world how I felt till I read the above.

I have seen so many condolences on TP where people suggest 'being there' is such a comfort ... what if I'm not?

How to perceive it to help you mental say to yourself also

What if I am there ?

Every time I leave her bedside now I am clinging onto her 'last words' just in case they really are

If your not then the keep on doing what your doing now . Then if you was not there your last words to her will give you comfort in the future when that strong mist of grief has left you .

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Terrified of not being with mum when the inevitable happens .... and if I am honest a total coward that I am terrified of being there too.

I have seen so many condolences on TP where people suggest 'being there' is such a comfort ... what if I'm not?

Well, to be pratical, you cannot be there 24/7. I've heard several stories of someone stepping out for only 10 minutes & their loved one dying in that time. So you can't beat yourself up regarding this.

I wasn't there when my father died because he was in Guatemala. He was alone but he had a sudden death, so there can't be regrets there - we couldn't have known ahead of time. I was there when my grandmother died but she died at home. That was also unexpected. But I was 15 and it was very difficult as I was alone with her at the time.

I was there when my favourite aunt died 5 years ago. I didn't handle it well, I wasn't a comfort to her yet I'm glad I was there.

I'm obviously not much help as I am all over the place. Based on what I know of you, it seems to me that you should be there = if you can. Because otherwise I think you will feel very guilty and waste your time beating yourself up. It may not be a comfort to you (but it might) and I want you to have as few regrets as is humanly possible.

Love,

 

[Tender Face]

Thank you all so much for words of wisdom and comfort. Joanne:

I didn't handle it well, I wasn't a comfort to her yet I'm glad I was there.

I think that is what is terrifying me most if I AM there .... I'm going to fail her at the final moment. Right now she is surrounded by her 'friendly voices' - why should I spoil things for her if she is aware her blubbering wreck of a daughter is going to pieces? Might it be best that I am NOT there?

I guess I just have to be realistic - spend as much time as is practically possible with her and accept there are times I need to be home too (or like now when I am waiting for St Sis to vacate the scene!).

Mameeskye:

But whatever will happen will happen

I can't tell you how much that helped. One of mum's favourite sayings was 'Que sera, sera." She astounded me only the other afternoon when she whispered "Don't be late getting back for Sonny" So yes, she understands I can't be there all the time ..... and so I guess she will accept whatever comes to be ...... I guess I need to get myself more in a 'Que sera, sera' mode?

Love and thanks all - everything you have shared has helped. Karen, x

 

[ROSEANN]

Dear Karen

Just to let you know I am thinking of you.

You say that you have made your peace about difficult times with your mum and I think that says it all.

You have made your peace and your mum knows it.

You will handle it when the time comes and if you fall apart so what, you have done such alot for your mum it will only be natural.

You have been strong for so long Karen so just be there as and when you can your mum will go when she is ready.

Hope I am not speaking out of turn Karen I do admire you.

Love Roseann

 

[JulesLK]

Hi Karen

I know exactly how you are feeling ... my wonderful mum died last month of cancer (my dad has dementia). I was scared and it was so very hard to watch someone I love dearly dying. But at the end I held her hand and told her I loved her ... and I thanked god I was there for her as she was always there for me when I needed her.

Jules x

 

[BeckyJan]

..... we have made our peace about 'difficult times' ... we have laughed ... we have hugged ........

- this is what matters more than anything Karen.

It is a fact that many people wait to die on their own If this happens to you and your Mum, so be it.

Your Mum will be very aware of your love and understanding - you need to just let her die in peace in her time, not yours. Truly, Karen, you are thrashing yourself over this. There is a limit to what you can do - she knows you love and care for her.

My thoughts are with you at this very very difficult time.
Love Jan

 

[suzanne]

being with them at the end

I have been in the nursing profession for 30 yrs, there is no right answer as to whether or not you should be with someone when they die, it is an event[for want of more elegant words] that we witness,it can be cruel, kind,quick and easy, long and hard and a test of our stamina and the only solace to be found in my opinion[humble] is that the ordeal is over and they are now at peace. Have the nurses asked if you want stay? have they talked to you about death at all and what to expect? I know when it is my mother's turn it will be very hard to handle as I think I know too much.My thoughts are with you.Suzy

 

[Cate]

Oh Karen love you can only do what you can do. And yes I was terrified, I did feel so alone watching and waiting. Mum wasn’t conscious for the last 24 hrs or so, but I knew when I told her I needed to go to the loo, or I was gasping for a cigarette she would wait for me, we did everything together, and I just knew it would be just her and me at the end. I saw the dawn rise and I opened the curtains and window and told mum it was ok for her to go to dad, he was waiting, and I was ready, and she took that last breath.

But Karen honey the huge difference is I had no other call on my time, I could stay with mum 24/7, I didn’t have a youngster to consider, and you have, and mum knows that.

You have been her rising star, always ready to do everything for her and more, in the end it makes no difference if you are with her at the end, she knows you love her and she is in your heart for ever, and she loves you and really that’s all that matters. You have said all that needs to be said, so you be kind to yourself. You have always had amazing insight, trust to that.

My heart goes out to you.
Love
Cate xxxx

 

[Norman]

Dear Karen
Two things happened that we( the Sons) did not want to happen.
My Peg died in Hospital and I was not there.
I was with her at 8 o'clock on the evening and she died at 3 am .
I take comfort from the fact that she is at peace,
and free from her cruel illness.
The last words that she she spoke to me were "I don't care as long as I have you".
I am convinced that they "check out" when their time is over and they have suffered enough.
No way can we know when that will be.
Norman

 

[sue38]

Hi Karen,

I can't really add to what has been said above. You have made your peace with your mum over any difficult times in the past and you seem ready to let go, when your mum decides the time is right.

You may be there, you may not... you may be there and wish you hadn't been... it's not something you can control. I am sure it seems like a huge issue at the moment as it's all you can focus on, but in the future its importance will diminish.

Just to let you know I am thinking of you at this awful time.

Love,

 

[Lucille]

Hello Karen

So sorry to read your posts. (Haven't visited for a while). Sue is right, I think, in that the importance of it will diminish in the future. When my dad died (having been in a coma for months), I can remember getting a call from the hospital and running all the way there As fate would have it, I was too late. At the time I felt empty. But what I remember now is the person he was and the times we had (good and bad).

You've done loads for your mum and fought so hard for her to live her life. I'm sure she'll forgive you if you "pop out of the room" at the same time she does. Draw strength from all you've achieved, many of us in your shoes, would have thrown in the towel.

Dear Karen, thinking about you and your family.

Love
xx