Hi - I'm new and concerned that my father may have dementia

[Finlay]

I won't go into all the details of my father's erratic comments and behaviour suffice to say that, after a prompt from me, his GP saw him and referred him to some kind of memory specialist. My parents are not forthcoming with information so I am sorry to appear vague.

The outcome of this assessment was that both of my parents were angry; upset; felt that it was a complete waste of time. All that I can elicit from my Mother is that Father was asked the names of various roads in their locality. Since he has lived there all his life (75 years) this was not difficult. According to my Mother the Specialist then spent a considerable amount of time cutting up paper into various shapes and throwing it around the room!

I have absolutely no idea what this was all about. I suspect that since both of my parents were so indignant about all of this that it must have been an uncomfortable experience.

My Father was referred for a brain scan, but has refused to go - a decision my Mother agrees with.

I live 130 miles away from my parents and my sister lives abroad. The GP is as helpful as she can be, but has been specifically asked by my parents not to tell us anything as they do not wish us to worry. I don't think I could be any more worried.

My Father is articulate and covers his memory loss incredibly well. They are not the sort of people who would want to be a nuisance to anyone, but I think that my Mother needs help - she is very defensive and edgy.

I realise that I cannot force my Father to go for a brain scan, and I feel like I am treading on eggshells when I speak to my Mother as she can be so defensive, but the thought of not doing anything is also awful.

If anyone out there has any words of wisdom or advice I would be very grateful.

 

[jenniferpa]

Hi and welcome to Talking Point.

I don't know about words of wisdom but here goes.

Even if your parents were totally forthcoming, told you the diagnosis, your father agreed to go for a scan etc etc I'm not sure you'd be much further forward. While a brain scan "might" show something it might not - the dementias can be difficult to diagnose. Further, even if you got a definitive diagnosis of Alzheimer's disease there almost certainly would not be any medication forthcoming at this stage since he sounds as if, if he has it, it is in the early stages. The most likely "other" disease would be vascular dementia and there is no treatment for that at all, apart from possibly blood thinners and reducing any hypertension.

I can understand that you are worried and can really relate to the "couldn't be more worried" comment but you have to understand that both your parents are probably in shock and denial. Perhaps over time your mother at any rate will become more forthcoming, although sadly, if it is dementia it is unlikely your father will develop any insight. What I'm trying to say is - whether you do anything or not will almost certainly make no difference to his prognosis, so all you can really do at this stage is to keep the lines of communication open, because if it is dementia it is progressive and they will need you later on.


Best wishes

 

[Finlay]

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you for your response. It is so hard when you see someone who had such a phenomenal memory forgetting who his grand-daughter is and struggling to work out 3 times 20. There have been so many incidents, although he did seem more like his "old self" last weekend when I visited.

I guess that there are ups and downs. I have come to the conclusion that this is my parents' way of dealing with whatever it is. I know that I have to respect that, but at the same time I don't want to miss out on precious time with my Father - my Mother's protectionism can be very frustrating to say the least.

Thanks again - it was kind of you to reply and I understand your point perfectly.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Finlay

I don't want to miss out on precious time with my Father -

You won`t have to if you reassure your mother that although you are concerned for both of them, whatever steps they do or do not choose to take, is their decision and you will respect it.

And then you will be able to ask them not to shut you out.

I hope this strategy will keep you in contact, allow you to observe, and enable you to be there should your parents decide they need help.

 

[blue sea]

Hi Finlay
I totally agree with the advice others have given you. Sometimes the hardest thing of all is to stand back and wait, but you will be there for your parents when they are ready to accept your help.
One action that would be helpful would be to ensure that there is an EPA (Enduring Power of Attorney) in place, to allow your mother and/or you to take control of financial affairs should it become necessary. There is up to date advice on this website and Help the Aged on this. If there isn't an EPA already in place, and you are reluctant to suggest it, then the next best option would be for your parents to have joint accounts, with either signature being accepted, so that your mother can easily access money to pay bills etc. It is much better to get these things in place while your father is able to agree to them; if he is in the early stages of dementia, then a time may come when it is too late for these changes to be made. I know it can be very difficult to broach such subjects, but it is a practical matter that really does make life difficult later if it's not addressed.
Best wishes
Blue sea

 

[Lanie]

Sometimes we can only watch and wait and be there to pick the pieces up, when our love ones ask for help.

Lanie

 

[Chrissyan]

Welcome to the forum, sorry you had to join.

Finlay from what I have read on here. not my own experience, Is that if one partner develops dementia the other one, be it husband or wife will do anything & everything to cover it up, there is still a lot of stigma attached to this illness.

Work on your mum, try to get her admit they both need help and keep any eye on her. As for the specialist, I don't know what to say, it sounds very strange & bears no resemblance to my dad's experience at the memory clinic.

Try & talk your mum into letting your dad have the scan, if it is vascular dementia they can pick that up for certain. If you get a diagnosis you know what you are dealing with & can maybe get drugs & certainly get benefits to pay for help. It's a long a difficult road.

 

[Finlay]

Thanks everyone - I will be visiting my parents in a week or so's time and will see how things are....

Finlay

 

[SkiTTish]

Sometimes we can only watch and wait and be there to pick the pieces up, when our love ones ask for help.

Lanie

Yup have to agree ,thats what we had to do ,we were in exactly the same situation but it was my mum with the dementia nad dad was covering for her ad didnt want any intervention
It wasnt until after he died and mum took a steep nose dive into the disease that we were able to get any real diagnosis

Its easy to say not to worry I know ,but worrying wont change whats happening and neither will a diagnosis .Getting a diagnosis wont slow down the disease (if thats what is wrong ) as there is no real treatment for early stage dementia

Only advice I can really offer is if you beieve your dad is suffering dementia ( and even if he isnt really ) enjoy every minute you have with him ,talk about the past ,learn as much as you can about his life and childhood ,his dreams ,everything and make some really happy memories together now .