At the end of my tether...

[Bunpoots]

The weekend morning carer's are going well so far. They've managed to get dad in the shower both weekends - so he smells a little better now. I've bought some biological washing powder and zoflora disinfectant and a few other bits and bobs so I just need to get his laundry and carpets sorted now...

I've realised that I now go to dads with the expectation that he will be bad, confused, non-communicative And wet.... so it was a pleasant surprise when he started commenting on a news article the other day. But I can't allow myself to expect a conversation like that - it's too painful

 

[Jezzer]

The weekend morning carer's are going well so far. They've managed to get dad in the shower both weekends - so he smells a little better now. I've bought some biological washing powder and zoflora disinfectant and a few other bits and bobs so I just need to get his laundry and carpets sorted now...

I've realised that I now go to dads with the expectation that he will be bad, confused, non-communicative And wet.... so it was a pleasant surprise when he started commenting on a news article the other day. But I can't allow myself to expect a conversation like that - it's too painful

Morning! Good news about the carers; so far so good and hope this continues. I understand what you say about the conversation. My visit to mum yesterday wasn't good. No verbal communication and just staring straight ahead. This is a new and upsetting development. This wretched, wretched disease.
Good luck with the laundry and carpets! You are doing a brilliant job

 

[Rolypoly]

Good to hear the carers are working. I’m just pleased if mum knows what day it is...no luck this week!

I do much the same as you re laundry, non bio powder, fabric conditioner, dettol laundry cleanser, but I use vanish powder instead of napisan. I buy whenever it’s on special, much to my OHs amusement as I have quite a few tubs, it works wonders. I know napisan is cheaper but I haven’t seen it in my small local supermarket, plus remembering the old days of washing nappies I think vanish has the edge. I have one of those aroma sprays in mums room on full strength and, as an extra, I spray Fabreze around if needed when she pops out of the room. Mum has no sense of smell which has its good and bad points. It’s a never ending battle to get her and the house smelling sweet, or at least not eau d’urine.

 

[Bunpoots]

Dettol laundry cleaner is not moving l'eau d'urine from my dad's things hence the zoflora assault. He and his bungalow will probably smell of tart's boudoir by the time I've finished . Maybe man wee is smellier than lady wee?!

I got the napisan in Wilkos - it worked fine on my daughter's nappies back in the day. I was the only mum I knew who was using cloth nappies, but daughter was allergic to disposables. I'm glad dad's not allergic to pull-ups - or maybe he would be if he wore them all the time - as he should

I went to poundstretcher and got: shake'n'vac, pet carpet cleaner, air freshener, febreeze and 3 bottles of zoflora pet plus some bottles of water to take on my bike ride which set the guy at the til off singing "Ten Green Bottles" which has been stuck in my head ever since..
Still it got the "shake'n'vac" song out of it

 

[Rolypoly]

I now have a picture of you doing the shake n vac...thanks!

I don’t think mum gets as wet as your dad, and she will change if she is wet. Well, she does at the moment.

Happy cleaning!

 

[Bunpoots]

Dad seldom makes it to the toilet now And he's usually too late by the time he has the urge

His place smells a little better after all that shake'n'vaccing

 

[Bunpoots]

Yesterday evening was the first bedtime visit for dad. I went for 8pm as the later slots were all taken. Success! Carer texted me to say dad was in his PJs and pull-ups and happily consuming supper and a hot drink...

This morning the bed was dry!!

 

[Rolypoly]

I have the flags flying on your behalf!

 

[Bunpoots]

I have the flags flying on your behalf!

 

[canary]

Bring on the dancing girls!

 

[Bunpoots]

I really feel like that @canary. It feels like a light at the end of the tunnel .

I suspect that dad is feeling more secure with the extra help too.. Of course I feel slightly guilty that I can't man up enough to provide the help myself - especially as I've just been reading his diary from when my mum got dementia... And it's all so familiar - but at the time I was naive enough to not know what was to come.

I just hope it lasts...

 

[canary]

I just hope it lasts...

Amen to that.....

 

[Rolypoly]

Loving the dancing girls @canary

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm going to have to make a decision regarding dad's companion carer. She's been brilliant but she obviously starting to struggle now. She'll just leave him if he refuses to put his pull-ups on and he'll be soaked all day long.

I went to borrow dad's table saw yesterday and j was just leaving.
She'd given him breakfast and a drink and stripped and made the bed but said dad would probably be wet as she couldn't get him to stand up to check if he was wearing his pull-ups. He was wearing pull-ups - but still had the ones I'd got him into the previous evening on and he was saturated. I hadn't realised how much she was struggling until yesterday. She doesn't like confrontation and dad is determined not to wear his pants/change his pants.

I'm feeling very very fed up today. I don't want to look after dad anymore...

I want a normal life

 

[canary]

Oh Bunpoots, I recognise that despair and I know you have been struggling too. There comes a time when you realise that its all becoming too much.


I hate to say it, but is it time to start looking at care homes?

 

[Bunpoots]

Oh Bunpoots, I recognise that despair and I know you have been struggling too. There comes a time when you realise that its all becoming too much.


I hate to say it, but is it time to start looking at care homes?

I'm not sure about care homes yet but I'm thinking maybe by Autumn. But it is time for me to accept the fact that I need to step back and get more paid carers in to look after him. I've tried to avoid doing this as I don't know how long his funds will last once we start down that route and I certainly can't afford to pay a top up if he's in a care home and runs out of money.

 

[canary]

I'm not sure about care homes yet but I'm thinking maybe by Autumn.

In which case now is probably the time to start looking - most care homes have waiting lists and its better to organise things in advance, rather than waiting for a crisis which means you have no choice. I know its not something anyone wants to think about and even starting to look somehow makes it all more real. There is the feeling of - no, no, surely we cant have reached that stage, not just yet, Ill give it a bit longer. Seriously, though, if a place comes up at the CH of your choice, you do not have to take it if you still think it is too soon - he can just remain on the waiting list.

Asking about what happens when the money runs out is something to ask the CH. At mums CH if she had been there for 2 years before her money ran out they would not have charged top-ups, but just accepted the LA rate (actually she passed away before her money ran out) and I know that there are CHs which are covered by the LA rate.

If your dad needs more care (whether home care or residential), just go for it

 

[Rolypoly]

In which case now is probably the time to start looking - most care homes have waiting lists and its better to organise things in advance, rather than waiting for a crisis which means you have no choice. I know its not something anyone wants to think about and even starting to look somehow makes it all more real. There is the feeling of - no, no, surely we cant have reached that stage, not just yet, Ill give it a bit longer. Seriously, though, if a place comes up at the CH of your choice, you do not have to take it if you still think it is too soon - he can just remain on the waiting list.

Asking about what happens when the money runs out is something to ask the CH. At mums CH if she had been there for 2 years before her money ran out they would not have charged top-ups, but just accepted the LA rate (actually she passed away before her money ran out) and I know that there are CHs which are covered by the LA rate.

If your dad needs more care (whether home care or residential), just go for it

I second this advice. If you are thinking of autumn then that isn’t that far away so looking now is advisable (a) due to possible waiting lists and (b) to give you time to look and prepare. In the meantime you may want to up home carer visits to take the load off of you.

Hope you have a good day today and sending wee free hugs .

 

[Bunpoots]

Dad's been sexually aggressive with one of his carers. No change in medication, which was what caused it last time...

No care home will want him now. I can't cope with him like this. Don't know what to do.

 

[kindred]

Dad's been sexually aggressive with one of his carers. No change in medication, which was what caused it last time...

No care home will want him now. I can't cope with him like this. Don't know what to do.

I do not think this means that no care home will want him. Obviously document what happens, you may find this phase passes and you may also find that some care homes can cope very well with dementia behaviour. Gx