Counselling -any advice welcome.

LIZ50

Registered User
Mar 23, 2008
56
0
Hampshire
I have received a letter from the place where Mum went to day care for her cancer (she also had vascular dementia) asking me if I wish to attend a support evening for bereaved relatives. The evening provides an opportunity to talk to an experienced volunteer and other relatives about the difficulties we have been facing since our loss and I am really unsure about whether to attend or not
At the moment I am coping as I seem to be having a 'numb period' where I don't really think too much about things but if I go to this meeting will it bring everything back too painfully and upset me? But if I don't go, have I missed an opportunity to talk to somebody who might be able to understand some of the feelings that I am going through?
I am an only child but, fortunately, have a very supportive partner who has said he will go with me if I want to go but it's my decision.
If anyone else has been in this position and can give me any advice it would be much appreciated.
Love Liz xx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
Hi Liz

That's a difficult decision. It depends on how you feel.

Do you feel you need to talk about how you feel? Presumably there would be the opportunity for a one-to-one session? If so, that might be valuable. But a group session might be quite painful for you. Would it help you to listen to other people's stories?

If you are happy that your partner is all the support you need, then I'd stick to that. But it could be that the group is an ongoing one, where you could attend regularly if that would help you.

I'm afraid your partner's right, it has to be your decision. There's no obligation to take up the offer, it's whatever would be best for you.

Love,
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Dear Liz

I doubt that very much deep sharing would take place at a first meeting of any kind. I would imagine that whoever is leading it would need to know what each person wanted to gain from meeting and everyone would then hear the different needs. They would also need to share what they had to offer. It would be based upon information like this that everyone present would decide whether it's for them.

You could go and see what it is really all about and then decide if you are not sure. You might then find that there is something if and when the time is right for you. You could just think of it as a fact finding mission.

I wouldn't be prepared to open up my heart unless I was sure of the people and circumstances and I don't suppose you, or anyone else would be either. So it might not be so painful at the first meeting. Also, you could ring them and ask what's involved in that first meeting and tell them you are not sure.

I wish you all the very best and whatever you decide, Talking Point will always be here.

Love
 
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twinone

Registered User
May 19, 2008
269
0
england
Hi Liz

I didnt go to any support groups, but the Admiral Nurse who came when Steve was at home still comes to see me.

This really helped me as I knew her before he passed away and she had seen Steve every time she came to the house so I found it easy to talk to her about my feelings. Sometimes I felt like I was going mad but she reassured me that what I was feeling was normal. She also understood about Steve's illness so I didnt have to explain to strangers what he had been through.

I dont think I could have coped in a group with people I had never met before.

I like you, have had a lot of support from my family (and still do) which is much needed at this time of grieving.

If you can talk to your family and friends and have their support it may be better for you. Go with how you feel, grieve in your own way and talk to the people you feel comfortable with.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Love
Janet
 

Lynne

Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
3,433
0
Suffolk,England
Hi Liz

I can only respond on an "If it were me..." basis, but I would go. Bringing things up to the surface may make you cry, but that's a healthy part of normal grieving.
Burying your grief can mean that - at some unspecified time in the future - it'll suddenly reappear & bite you.

Best wishes, whatever you decide
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
Hello Liz

It depends how deep your hurt is.

A single session, whether with a group of strangers or a single counsellor, could either be very therapeutic or open a can of worms.

Only you know whether or not there are other issues in your life which might surface and cause you even more pain.
 

Margarita

Registered User
Feb 17, 2006
10,824
0
london
At the moment I am coping as I seem to be having a 'numb period' where I don't really think too much about things but if I go to this meeting will it bring everything back too painfully and upset me

From my Experience after my father died, I could not talk to people in a Group about my father death because I would get a flood of tears. I was working at the time, so was sent home a few times was it was to upsetting for me.

I did have family around me, but I needed to talk to someone that was emotional detached from me .

So I ask my doctor to send me to a grief counsellor. he sent me to a Cognitive recognize physiotherapy, I did find that very help full, as he would guide me with my emotion , explaining things to me .

an experienced voluntee

I would be inclined to go, seeing that it’s been lead by someone who experienced. Knowing other people there can relate to my feeling would make me feel better in being in a group with them.

You don't have to talk if you don't want to, I hardly talk to my physiotherapist in the first few sessions , because I could feel tears walling up inside of me . if it got all to upsetting for you, you could always leave. I am sure everyone in the group would understand .

The worse that could happen is that the tears would over flow out in fount of every one & you may feel in embarrassed, but then others may feel like crying also . Am sure the experienced volunteer can guide you back into your hear now . They can't ever take the pain away from you, all they can do is help you learn to live with it .
 
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LIZ50

Registered User
Mar 23, 2008
56
0
Hampshire
Thank you

Thank you all for your replies on this subject of counselling. You have all given me really good advice and plenty of things to ponder over.
Lynne - your comment about burying my grief struck a chord as I think that's what I'm doing at the moment and so I really should deal with it sooner rather than later.
As Helen said 'look at it as a fact finding mission' and that's what I'm going to do.
I've decided to go to the meeting to see if this therapy can help me in any way. Hopefully, I'll be able to sit there quietly listening and observing but if I can't, then to be on the safe side, I'll take a box of tissues with me!
Will let you know.
Love Liz xx
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
Hi Liz

I've decided to go to the meeting to see if this therapy can help me in any way.

Sounds pretty sensible to me and then you can make an informed choice.

Whatever happens, Talking Point will always be here for you and I am sure everyone will be wishing you well.

Love
 

Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
5,379
0
NW England
But if I don't go, have I missed an opportunity to talk to somebody who might be able to understand some of the feelings that I am going through?

Dear Liz .... just my own humble thoughts for what they may be worth .... group counselling can be intimidating .... or enlightening and empowering ..... and I think that very much depends on timing. I would hate you to see this as a missed opportunity but perhaps it is not quite the right timing or even the right 'group' for you just now? Perhaps you could ask 'If I don't attend this particular evening, when is the next one planned, or what alternatives are there for other therapeutic help as and when I feel I need it?'

Counselling on any level can bring out a lot more pain than it first heals (wise words from Sylvia, I note) ..... having support is crucial (it's ironic to me that many people see counselling as a substitute for support when in fact it often places huger demands on our 'fallout' safety nets, supportive partners being just one of them for some of us 'lucky ones')....

It is only right you decide what is right for you ... but please don't feel pressured that this will be a one-off opportunity and take it under duress rather than meeting your own personal needs,

As for 'numbness' .... I reckon it took me at least six years to come out of that period after my dad's death .... but I wasn't in any race or challenge .... just how it was for me ... and you must respect just how it is for you and take on board the help, the challenges as and when you feel ready to accept and embrace them. That may be tomorrow, it may be in ten years. But only you can set the pace for you.

Whatever you decide to do for you, you have of course, my hugest support, Karen, x
 

Helen33

Registered User
Jul 20, 2008
14,697
0
asking me if I wish to attend a support evening for bereaved relatives

A support evening is not going to involve deep emotional counselling. It probably won't involve counselling at all.

Love
 

Norman

Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
4,348
0
Birmingham Hades
Dear Liz
I found the best therapy for me was talking to people who had been there.
It is now 13 months since my Peg died,I am still in the numb period,more like waiting for something,don't know what.
If you feel that I can be of any help don't hesitate to PM me
Norman
 

Taffy

Registered User
Apr 15, 2007
1,314
0
Dear Liz,

I hope that you benefit from the meeting.

Caring Thoughts,

Taffy.
 

Cate

Registered User
Jul 2, 2006
1,370
0
Newport, Gwent
I am still in the numb period, more like waiting for something, don't know what.

Norman I can really relate to this, its 9 weeks since mum died, and I just feel in limbo most of the time.
Love
Cate xx
 

janey21

Registered User
Mar 11, 2004
29
0
sunderland
limbo?!

hi there,

i havent been on here for a while. i cared for my grandad with my mam at home since i was 17 im now 25. he had alzheimers and vasular dementia. he was a father to me bascially and was very close to him. he died 10 weeks ago and i am feeling very strange. for 24 hrs a day (apart from 4 hrs a day at work!!) i was with him and my whole routine feels like it has been snapped. he was very poorly for about a week before he died with pneumonia and i cried alot but when he was in my arms ans he passed away i couldnt cry. we had the funeral a week later and i couldnt cry then the only time i did was when his coffin went in te grave and i knew that that was it. the coffin was me hanging onto him. i went back to work two days after the funeral, a week after he died and now im having moments of crying at random moments and cant help but walk along our hall at home at least ten times a day to check on him even though he not there. is this normal?? my most upsetting thing i have is that i was due to get married next year so that he could be there but you never know what is round the next corner and its so upsetting that he wont be at my wedding. ive put it back a year now anyway. i thought councelling may help but all i would do would probably sit and cry. anyone got any advice??

jane xx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
Hello Janey

I`m so sorry you are in such a bad way, but cannot be surprised.

You have cared for your grandfather for one third of your life, you lost him 10 weeks ago, so cannot possibly expect to resume your normal life while still grieving so deeply.

Can I suggest you give yourself time to grieve properly. Not going about your daily life expecting normality, but giving yourself a little TLC.

If you feel counselling would help, why not give it a try. See your GP and ask for a referral.

If you just need to talk about your grandfather, Post here. We will all understand.

Love xx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
Dear Janey

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. You are missing your grandad so much, and you haven't really given yourself time to grieve.

Perhaps you went back to work too soon, and are trying to make things normal?

You can't!:(

A whole part of your life had been lost, and you have to become accustomed to that gap.

Could you take some time off work? Time to sit in the house and think about your dear grandad?

You have to remember the hard times, the pneumonia, and how he is now free of his pain, and at peace.

Then go on to remember the good times -- maybe this will be hard to start with, but gradually over time it will get easier.

There's no easy way to get over the loss of someone you love, and you have to feel the grief and work through it. Trying to shut it out is the worst thing you can do. That gap will always be there, but hopefully in time you will be able to come to terms with it.

If you feel it would help to talk to a counsellor, then see your GP and ask for a referral.

And post here any time. So many of us know how you are feeling.

With love and hugs,
 

janey21

Registered User
Mar 11, 2004
29
0
sunderland
thanks for such lovely words. i went to my gp a couple of weeks ago and the doc i saw was a young girl and dont think she understood. i told her how i was feeling and how i had lost my grandad etc and that i was feeling exhausted and she said.......it is the weather????!!! she said everyone is feeling glum and miserable this time of year as we have had no summer. i didnt know what to say to her i just walked out.

i work for the nhs in my local hospital as a clerical officer part time but im a spanish teacher and maybe when i get back into teaching i will feel bit brighter?!

j xx
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
0
SW Scotland
Hi again, Janey. Why did you give up teaching? And how long ago?

I too taught langages long ago and in another life, French, German and Latin for me.

I don't think you're ready to go back to teaching yet, you have to be emotionally tough to cope. And I don't think it's the weather -- though that doesn't help.

Is there another doctor in the practice you could talk to? Someone older, who might understand how you are feeling?

Alternatively, why not ring Samaritans? They're not just for people who feel suicidal, people ring for all sorts of reasons, often just because they need someone to talk to. The small hours of the morning are always a busy time.

You'd be anonymous, you can choose any name for yourself, just as on TP, and the volunteers are trained to let you talk out your feelings.

Cruse would do the same, they're not just for the widowed, but I'm not sure if they operate a 24-hour telephone service.

Love,
 

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