Please don't throw me away, breaking my promise

[kindred]

Here I am, bit early today as am going to little church group. Once could only stay short time, but now OH in nursing home, I can stay all the time, but I still start to get anxious half way through ...
Raining hard, but have to say the residents much calmer than when it is sunny and high light level. The resident I talked about yesterday has gone out to buy trousers with his daughter. Heaven help the shop assistants!
Fish and chips today and OH insisted on talking about a board meeting all through it, interrupted only by the odd chip ...
I took in a little bottle of 4711 perfume which I knew the ladies would love, so I went round talking to each about it and putting some on their wrists. That was nice. i always put that on OH forehead.
Nothing really dramatic, but we have had a bit of a week what with the deprivation of liberty and the phone call ... This should be a tv series. No, perhaps not! Thank you for being with me.

 

[Andyp101]

Just back from seeing my Mum at her CH. She has been suffering a little from a trough in her dementia being troubled and paranoid and frightened. However the staff there are wonderful with her. She was asleep when I arrived this morning (at 9:45) and they told me she had slept through the night. They had checked on her at 8:30 and 9:30. She was sleeping soundly and they had left her to it. She has an Activity Mat plugged in by her bed so if she wakes in the meantime they can attend. They look after her so well. They do not treat her like a child and will laugh and dance and sing with her at a moment's notice.

I am happy to make a fool of myself (I do not have far to go at the best of times) for the cause. It is rewarding to see Mum content. For me now, it is the smallest of gestures from Mum. She is incapable of great displays of emotion so when I see her smile slightly as I'm talking about the new dog I'm getting it's wonderful. Mum has always been crazy about dogs. Or spending a few hours yesterday making her a trifle like her Mum used to make. I took it this morning (she had it for breakfast!) and I asked her how it was...It could have gone either way. She would have tasted it and gone 'I don't like it' and refused any more or she could have devoured it.

So how was it?

'Bloody gorgeous.'

Made my day.

 

[kindred]

Just back from seeing my Mum at her CH. She has been suffering a little from a trough in her dementia being troubled and paranoid and frightened. However the staff there are wonderful with her. She was asleep when I arrived this morning (at 9:45) and they told me she had slept through the night. They had checked on her at 8:30 and 9:30. She was sleeping soundly and they had left her to it. She has an Activity Mat plugged in by her bed so if she wakes in the meantime they can attend. They look after her so well. They do not treat her like a child and will laugh and dance and sing with her at a moment's notice.

I am happy to make a fool of myself (I do not have far to go at the best of times) for the cause. It is rewarding to see Mum content. For me now, it is the smallest of gestures from Mum. She is incapable of great displays of emotion so when I see her smile slightly as I'm talking about the new dog I'm getting it's wonderful. Mum has always been crazy about dogs. Or spending a few hours yesterday making her a trifle like her Mum used to make. I took it this morning (she had it for breakfast!) and I asked her how it was...It could have gone either way. She would have tasted it and gone 'I don't like it' and refused any more or she could have devoured it.

So how was it?

'Bloody gorgeous.'

Made my day.

That is FANTASTIC, thank you so much. It is so lovely to have you join me in this life in a care home thread! Yes, it's great if we can make fool of ourselves, think it raises the energy for everyone. And that is lovely about the smallest of gestures. And the trifle that was bloody gorgeous!!! My OH's home is full of dogs, huge stuffed ones that is and Residents get very possessive of their dog, often sneaking them back to their bedrooms to put in the bed. I was so chuffed to read about you and your Mum.

 

[carolynp]

That is FANTASTIC, thank you so much. It is so lovely to have you join me in this life in a care home thread! Yes, it's great if we can make fool of ourselves, think it raises the energy for everyone. And that is lovely about the smallest of gestures. And the trifle that was bloody gorgeous!!! My OH's home is full of dogs, huge stuffed ones that is and Residents get very possessive of their dog, often sneaking them back to their bedrooms to put in the bed. I was so chuffed to read about you and your Mum.

Love it about the dogs!

 

[kindred]

Forgot to mention. At one point, one of the Residents who normally doesn't say much and who used to be a football manager sat up straight and said I WANT TO PLAY TABLE TENNIS. Now, this is interesting and I will tell the Activity Nurses next week, but I wonder how this could be done without the ball going all over the place all the time ... I wonder if there is such a thing as mini table tennis?
Any thoughts more than welcome.
Very quiet today, as is usual on a Saturday as the Activity nurses are not in. Gives time to talk to the residents individually (although without the kind of stimulation the Activity nurses give a lot of them just sleep).
The nurses brought into the main room one of the Residents who usually stays in her bedroom. She is in a state of very severe dementia and was very distressed. It took five of the staff to comfort her, and they did it with such wonderful compassion and care.
OH in great mood today, ALTHOUGH he will not sing Hey Ho with me while I have substituted hand grenade for in the sea we wade. So I have to go back to hand grenade and whisper that to him. There's a mind at work here ...

 

[Jezzer]

Just back from seeing my Mum at her CH. She has been suffering a little from a trough in her dementia being troubled and paranoid and frightened. However the staff there are wonderful with her. She was asleep when I arrived this morning (at 9:45) and they told me she had slept through the night. They had checked on her at 8:30 and 9:30. She was sleeping soundly and they had left her to it. She has an Activity Mat plugged in by her bed so if she wakes in the meantime they can attend. They look after her so well. They do not treat her like a child and will laugh and dance and sing with her at a moment's notice.

I am happy to make a fool of myself (I do not have far to go at the best of times) for the cause. It is rewarding to see Mum content. For me now, it is the smallest of gestures from Mum. She is incapable of great displays of emotion so when I see her smile slightly as I'm talking about the new dog I'm getting it's wonderful. Mum has always been crazy about dogs. Or spending a few hours yesterday making her a trifle like her Mum used to make. I took it this morning (she had it for breakfast!) and I asked her how it was...It could have gone either way. She would have tasted it and gone 'I don't like it' and refused any more or she could have devoured it.

So how was it?

'Bloody gorgeous.

Made my day.

@Andyp101 and
Hello Andy, hope you and @kindred don't mind me gatecrashing your thread which I stumbled upon and which makes for great reading! Andy, your story about your Mum enjoying her trifle was so lovely! Aren't such rare events wonderful? Thanks for sharing this uplifting moment.

 

[kindred]

@Andyp101 and
Hello Andy, hope you and @kindred don't mind me gatecrashing your thread which I stumbled upon and which makes for great reading! Andy, your story about your Mum enjoying her trifle was so lovely! Aren't such rare events wonderful? Thanks for sharing this uplifting moment.

Thank YOU for reading and being in touch!

 

[kindred]

hello all! Just back. Got to OH home between staggering thunder storms. When arrived in road, a couple of ambulances and police cars parked opposite, dear oh dear, I started to feel really scared. But not to do with OH home, thank God, although someone obviously in trouble. Nice morning, laugh when OH does, agree with the difficulties he describes ... have no idea what he is talking about but the moods are good. I'm OK with that.
BUT the people will be saying brigade are questioning why I go in EVERY DAY. And I say, truthfully, where else would I be? It's the only way I can continue our lovely marriage. Tell me what YOU think, you guys. You are the ones I trust.

 

[Jezzer]

Hey @kindred For what it's worth, here are the results of The Jezzer Jury! Serious stuff now; I feel you should do what works for you and if that means daily visits, GO FOR IT!!!! You clearly have a wonderful relationship with your OH which - for me personally- is great to hear. It doesn't matter if the conversation doesn't make sense. You are so right when you say it's the MOOD! It also doesn't matter what others think. Only you know what feels right. As long as you are not getting over-tired it sounds absolutely fine to me. Can I just suggest every now and then you take stock and ask yourself how YOU are doing because you need to look after yourself too. There, that's my opinion and it comes from the heart.x

 

[kindred]

Hey @kindred For what it's worth, here are the results of The Jezzer Jury! Serious stuff now; I feel you should do what works for you and if that means daily visits, GO FOR IT!!!! You clearly have a wonderful relationship with your OH which - for me personally- is great to hear. It doesn't matter if the conversation doesn't make sense. You are so right when you say it's the MOOD! It also doesn't matter what others think. Only you know what feels right. As long as you are not getting over-tired it sounds absolutely fine to me. Can I just suggest every now and then you take stock and ask yourself how YOU are doing because you need to look after yourself too. There, that's my opinion and it comes from the heart.x

Oh I could cry at the beauty of this post, thank you with all my heart. Yes, I will take stock every now and then and if I am getting tired, could always have a shorter visit. To me it is what I am for, my imperative. I am so thrilled with the deliberations of the Jezzer Jury, how wonderful is that. Thank you so very very much. Thank you. I so needed to hear this.

 

[Jezzer]

Oh I could cry at the beauty of this post, thank you with all my heart. Yes, I will take stock every now and then and if I am getting tired, could always have a shorter visit. To me it is what I am for, my imperative. I am so thrilled with the deliberations of the Jezzer Jury, how wonderful is that. Thank you so very very much. Thank you. I so needed to hear this.

Ah, I'm SO pleased this has helped! You are very, very welcome.

 

[carolynp]

Agree totally with @Jezzer. Brilliantly and astutely put. Love and hugs to you both.

 

[Jezzer]

Agree totally with @Jezzer. Brilliantly and astutely put. Love and hugs to you both.

love and hugs right back @carolynp

 

[carolynp]

Oh I could cry at the beauty of this post, thank you with all my heart. Yes, I will take stock every now and then and if I am getting tired, could always have a shorter visit. To me it is what I am for, my imperative. I am so thrilled with the deliberations of the Jezzer Jury, how wonderful is that. Thank you so very very much. Thank you. I so needed to hear this.

Thanks so much for hugs @Jezzer!!!

Just want to add, @kindred, that recently when @amethyst was being informed she must be relieved now her OH is in care, it was in fact you who saw that this type of comment, which upset her deeply, was a reflection not on her relationship with her OH but on their own relationships. Very astute, we all thought at the time!

Is this the moment perhaps to say this back to you, about the so called well meaning advice you are having bestowed upon you???

I do know that, in the past, especially when devoted to the care of my two boys, I was thrown off balance by people who took it upon themselves to tell me I was obsessed and should be spending time away from them.

Not for quite a while did I realise that this time away was not to be time alone! No, it was to be time devoted to the well-meaners instead! In other words, they were jealous of my devotion to my boys, wanted that for themselves - and did not hesitate to call up the Guilt Monster from the murky depths to help them.

Could this be true of your well-meaners also?

 

[kindred]

Thanks so much for hugs @Jezzer!!!

Just want to add, @kindred, that recently when @amethyst was being informed she must be relieved now her OH is in care, it was in fact you who saw that this type of comment, which upset her deeply, was a reflection not on her relationship with her OH but on their own relationships. Very astute, we all thought at the time!

Is this the moment perhaps to say this back to you, about the so called well meaning advice you are having bestowed upon you???

I do know that, in the past, especially when devoted to the care of my two boys, I was thrown off balance by people who took it upon themselves to tell me I was obsessed and should be spending time away from them.

Not for quite a while did I realise that this time away was not to be time alone! No, it was to be time devoted to the well-meaners instead! In other words, they were jealous of my devotion to my boys, wanted that for themselves - and did not hesitate to call up the Guilt Monster from the murky depths to help them.

Could this be true of your well-meaners also?

Do you know, I think you are right. I think you are RIGHT. I loved to hear about your devotion to your boys, people are envious of deep, committed relationships, I know that. It is the old what are we missing out on business. AND I SO AGREE with what you said that it was about time committed to the well-meaners instead! Oh marvellous. It has been suggested that I:
join the University of the third Age
volunteer at the local charity shop
come to coffee mornings
book up for a cruise (I mean, a self-funder?!!)
All of which pale into comparison with being with my OH.
Someone once asked me if I married for love? And I knew in that instant that she didn't.
Thank you I am so thrilled and encouraged by your response.

 

[kindred]

Hello all and thank you for being with me. Nice morning at OH home. Did a few mad things with the activity nurse, pretended to be FM and sun I WANT TO BREAK FREE and those who could joined in. Later, sang tulips from Amsterdam because we were doing a quiz. OH talking and tapping his feet and generally being happy. Did I mention that yesterday he said to me I AM HAVING A FANTASTIC TIME. Big contrast from last week and the deprivation of liberty and other stupid things. I can see how much he loves the sense of activity and company. Looking round and thinking today, I now see that the majority of the residents are late stage and I marvel how their individuality is thought about and fostered. Now I'm home and it is so quiet and I wish I could bring the love of my life home with me. I am so grateful for you being here with me.

 

[Jezzer]

Hi @kindred
What a superb observation from @carolynp. Sounds spot on to me. We can't always spot when we're being "led astray" can we? I hope you don't mind me being a downer on such a beautiful day but I just need to share that our (my lovely brother and I) visit to mum earlier wasn't very happy. She suddenly took a turn for the worse on the 20th whilst we were having lunch at the NH with her. She hasn't bounced back this time like she usually does and it looks very much like she's dropped a notch (she is late stage mixed dementia). She was sleeping when we arrived and never really woke up. We know this is going to happen but as hard as I'm trying to be prepared, today I'm struggling. She is an amazing mum - nursed my dad (with the help of my then 13 year old brother) at home as he succumbed to Motor Neurone Disease back in 1966 and went on to face some awful health problems but not once displayed any selfity. When my OH died suddenly in 2000 she pulled me out of my despair. And now I helplessly watch this terrible undignified ending. She would hate it. I love her so much and dread "that" time which draws closer but equally her quality of life has become awfully low. The NH staff are wonderful and my brother & I have a great relationship with them but today the senior nurse said all they can do is make sure she's comfortable. Mum has retained her sweet nature and this is just breaking our hearts. I know this isn't the thread for this but I've felt so comfortable with the folks here so I hope you don't mind. Thanks so much for listening and "being here".

 

[Jezzer]

ps the emoji wasn''t meant to be inserted!!!

 

[kindred]

Hi @kindred
What a superb observation from @carolynp. Sounds spot on to me. We can't always spot when we're being "led astray" can we? I hope you don't mind me being a downer on such a beautiful day but I just need to share that our (my lovely brother and I) visit to mum earlier wasn't very happy. She suddenly took a turn for the worse on the 20th whilst we were having lunch at the NH with her. She hasn't bounced back this time like she usually does and it looks very much like she's dropped a notch (she is late stage mixed dementia). She was sleeping when we arrived and never really woke up. We know this is going to happen but as hard as I'm trying to be prepared, today I'm struggling. She is an amazing mum - nursed my dad (with the help of my then 13 year old brother) at home as he succumbed to Motor Neurone Disease back in 1966 and went on to face some awful health problems but not once displayed any selfity. When my OH died suddenly in 2000 she pulled me out of my despair. And now I helplessly watch this terrible undignified ending. She would hate it. I love her so much and dread "that" time which draws closer but equally her quality of life has become awfully low. The NH staff are wonderful and my brother & I have a great relationship with them but today the senior nurse said all they can do is make sure she's comfortable. Mum has retained her sweet nature and this is just breaking our hearts. I know this isn't the thread for this but I've felt so comfortable with the folks here so I hope you don't mind. Thanks so much for listening and "being here".

My darling, I am so glad you posted here. This is so so hard for you, mum sounds a wonderful woman. Of course it is breaking your hearts, of course it is. Making sure she is comfortable is vitally important and they will do that. All sympathy and love, thank you so much and please, please keep in touch. All my thoughts. This is so hard for you and your brother.

 

[Jezzer]

Hi @kindred
What a superb observation from @carolynp. Sounds spot on to me. We can't always spot when we're being "led astray" can we? I hope you don't mind me being a downer on such a beautiful day but I just need to share that our (my lovely brother and I) visit to mum earlier wasn't very happy. She suddenly took a turn for the worse on the 20th whilst we were having lunch at the NH with her. She hasn't bounced back this time like she usually does and it looks very much like she's dropped a notch (she is late stage mixed dementia). She was sleeping when we arrived and never really woke up. We know this is going to happen but as hard as I'm trying to be prepared, today I'm struggling. She is an amazing mum - nursed my dad (with the help of my then 13 year old brother) at home as he succumbed to Motor Neurone Disease back in 1966 and went on to face some awful health problems but not once displayed any selfity. When my OH died suddenly in 2000 she pulled me out of my despair. And now I helplessly watch this terrible undignified ending. She would hate it. I love her so much and dread "that" time which draws closer but equally her quality of life has become awfully low. The NH staff are wonderful and my brother & I have a great relationship with them but today the senior nurse said all they can do is make sure she's comfortable. Mum has retained her sweet nature and this is just breaking our hearts. I know this isn't the thread for this but I've felt so comfortable with the folks here so I hope you don't mind. Thanks so much for listening and "being here".

My darling, I am so glad you posted here. This is so so hard for you, mum sounds a wonderful woman. Of course it is breaking your hearts, of course it is. Making sure she is comfortable is vitally important and they will do that. All sympathy and love, thank you so much and please, please keep in touch. All my thoughts. This is so hard for you and your brother.

@kindred Thank you so much. Moved in with my brother a few months after mum went into care. A good move as we support each other x